SIL - can't forgive or forget

[MyVeryEducatedMotherJustShowed]

DS is two

When he was born I had a horrendous time BF, never really figured out why it didn't work, but saw bf consultants ( private and at breastfeeding cafes), and many other health professionals. Also phoned LLL, NCT etc. he ended up on a drip at one point and lost and regained and lost again his birthweight over a period of many weeks

Anyway DP's older sister a bit of a militant bfeeder and couldn't - wouldn't - understand why he went on the bottle from 8 weeks and on formula from 12 weeks (couldnt keep up with expressing day and night)

She made remarks to DP along the lines of I 'obviously think formula is the easier option', 'has she really tried?', 'most people can bf with a bit of effort', 'does she know how evil formula is' etc. also quite scathing about formula to my face. She knew some of the issues I was having but not all of them, simply because she never really asked and I didn't feel I owed her an explanation anyway. DP gave the bare minimim of info as they're not that close.

She didnt know that I was in the depths of PND, completely cut up about not being able to bf and had tried literally everything. Also not living in my home country and feeling lonely and isolated ...clearly none of this helped.

Anyway still angry about it two years on but actually more so right now as turns out DS has some minor to moderate physical issues that are quite likely to explain his inability to bf (won't say here as don't want to out myself)

I avoid SIL as much as possible, won't interact with her other than being civil and won't go to smaller events where I would be forced to talk with her. She is getting married next year and I've told DP I will attend in the day to support him but am leaving as soon as meal is done. I would need to do that probably for DS anyway, but he has suggested we get a babysitter, to which I said no.

DP thinks it's time to get over it, but this latest development re DS's health issues has meant I'm all the more unlikely to.

Am I being unreasonable and petty? Or not?

If she was a nice person she would not have to have the back story of why you couldn't feed.

Nice people do not need to know all the gory personal details before ramming their ideologies down your throat.

Or rather not even nice people, but lets say someone who actually cared for you and liked you.

I think women are very vulnerable when they have had a baby, and I think do whatever it takes to get through what can be whilst a joyous time, a very dark time.

I would not forget, however, can you look on her wedding as a nice jolly for yourself and DH on her?

I had a difficult time after DD1 was born and suffered with PND. It was awful and we had issues with my SIL that made things a huge amount more stressful for both DH and me.

For a long time, I think, I blamed her for 'making it worse'. In reality, she just added to a heap of problems that would have been there anyway. I would have ended up in hospital whether SIL was being a twat or not.

It took me about two years to get over it. In the end I sent her an email (she lives on a different continent) explaining how difficult that time was for me. She replied, and had no idea that I had suffered so much or that I had eventually been hospitalised.

She's coming to visit next month and I expect things will be strained at first, but I really hope that we can be friends - she is DH's sister and she is an aunt to our DDs. It would be such a shame for me to deny them that relationship. Yes, she behaved badly, but she had no idea what was going on with us at that point.

Maybe you should be frank with her. she could be horrified that she added to your pain and you might get an apology. You might not, but it's worth a go, isn't it? Life is hard enough without holding grudges and dwelling on bad things from the past.

((())) big hugs from me for the PND and not bfing for as log as you wanted to. It's really hard at the time, but hopefully as your DS grows up, it will become less painful for you. I also hope he's ok following the diagnosis.

Thanks everyone for your messages
To the poster concerned that they were my SIL - don't worry, I'm pretty sure you are not!
I wish I could just get over it and let it go, it's not good to be seething so long after the event.
SIL has two children, all bf with ease of course!

I killed myself trying to breast feed my first three kids. Baby 1 ended up in hospital on a drip and I was told to offer her formula or they would put a tube down her nose. This tiny 3 week old sucked down 8oz of milk and pooed for the first time in a fortnight. God I cried. Baby 2 was ill and in intensive care and I tried and tried and tried to express for 10 days but never got more than a few drops out. Baby 3 similar to baby 1.

When I had baby 4 I was living next to a dairy farm. The farmer asked me how it was going on about day 2 and I said "I'm really worried because I don't seem to be able to feed" and he said "you are what we call a crap milker. If you were a cow I'd shoot you."

This made me feel so much better! It is true. Some people can produce copious milk and some are crap at it. Some babies can feed easily and some can't. You just have to do what you can and if it doesn't work, let it go.

It is time to forgive and forget.

I don't think you need to forgive or forget, you can always recognise her as an ignorant, bullying, self righteous cow who needs to put others down to feel better about her pathetic self and hope she gets her comeuppance someday (or even give it to her if you ever get the chance). Stupid people like that are best ignored, who cares what idiots like that spout?

You don't have to engage with her in any way, you don't have to like her or play nice. You shouldn't feel obliged to go to her wedding at all if you don't want to but if you want to go for your husband probably best to hire a babysitter so you can enjoy your time with him, you don't have to like the hosts to have fun at the party! Personally I'd get a little dig in by buying a gift I know she'd hate.

Bless you, you had a rough time of it.

But I don't think this is about the SIL entirely. It is somewhere for you to focus your anger and hurt but could the biggest problem be your own guilt and frustration that you were not able to breastfeed your baby how you wanted to?

Could you get some counselling to help you move past this? Your SIL was insensitive but I think your ongoing reaction is symptomatic of a larger issue.

As for the wedding, go-don't go-stay, entirely up to you to decide.

Op, you said yourself that she didn't know you had pnd, and she didn't know all the hoops you were jumping through.

It is time to get over it. It can't be a surprise that people are militant about bf-ing - and it sounds as though your own hurt with her is just as tied up with your own guilt complex (even though you know that's ridiculous).

Let it go. I'm pretty sure she isn't sitting at home seething with rage because you didn't bf. she's probably forgotten. You are now causing a family rift over something really very minor.

The early years with a special needs child are very demanding. Don't cut off available support systems because they didn't realise what was going on at the time - particularly if those support systems are family.

God I wish BF-er activist types like your SIL would just give it a rest sometimes! They do more harm than good by making people like you, OP, feel so guilty about something you have little control over.

I think if there is anything you like about her and if you got along prior to her nasty comments then try to have it out with her before the wedding. Explain how hurt you were by her comments, explain you had PND etc. she may have had no idea that she upset you that much. Or can you ask your in-laws to mediate between you?

If, on the other hand, she was always a judgy bitch (sounds like it...) and you never liked her then just keep things as they are and leave the wedding early.

I'm probably what you would call a "militant bfeeder" in that I think it is important and women should receive more (and better informed) support, but your sister is unpleasant. You did what you could and it was none of her business.

And re forgiving her, don't feel pressured to forgive her on anyone else's timetable. She hurt you, not your husband. Forgive her only when, and if, you are happy doing so.

Hmmmm. Tough one. I have several thoughts.

1. It sounds like your SIL didn't have the full picture of what was going on, if your DP only gave her minimal details. Ignorant remarks like hers are easy to make under these circumstances. Perhaps if she did have the full picture she'd realise her mistakes.

2. If your DP is not close to your SIL, then she's not really family you have to deal with often or think about particularly hard - just an annoying person you see occasionally. So it doesn't really matter whether you forgive and forget, because you don't have to prioritise interacting with her (other than at her wedding, for which your plan sounds OK). Yes, be civil when she's around, but unless it becomes a bigger issue with DP, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to mend fences. It's not really worth the effort.

By 'several', I meant 'two'. I also deleted a long paragraph with potentially libellous comments about cricket's Jonathan Agnew, by way of a ridiculous analogy I was trying to make. Oh well.

Holding grudges is very unhealthy for you, and I bet she doesn't even know her comments offended you.

She sounds annoying, but not wicked in any way.

Hope your little one will have his problems diagnosed and resolved soon.
""Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned.-Siddhartha Gautama (Buddha)"

Oh dear - have a hug - I know it's been two years but its such a primal thing feeding I'm not surprised its still touching a nerve.

I had a horrid time getting bf started (undiagnosed tongue tie) but got there in the end but i know looking back I was on the border of PND with the unnecessary pressure I put on myself to be a 'perfect' mum. Thank god for my dad who, on getting a snivelling wreck on the phone again, transferred me the money to get a private appointment the next day for DS. Didn't think it was possible to love the man more but he was my hero that day

Anyway, as someone else has said don't forget you did BF for 3 months, maybe not as long as you wanted but that's still a massive achievement with all the issues you had. Smile and nod and be polite I think and suck it up for family occasions, unlikely you'll ever forget but try to forgive her for being a know-it-all with half the facts.

Yes I think it's time to get over it. You are allowing her to affect your life and that if your family if you don't attend events she is likely to be at

If she says anything to you. Just say I Would rather not discuss bf and change the subject

I fail to see why that would be the main topic of conversation 2 years later

This will affect your partners relationship with his family and you.

Time to man up and get over it.

Celestialsquirrels

. Thank you.

OP you do what feels right for you

This woman will be

Sorry!
This woman could be in your life for ever. Reading your post it sounds a if most comments were made to dh not you.
Playing devils advocate- she breastfed successfully, you didn't; when she tried to talk to you and dh about it you didn't tell her what was going on (as if 100% your right!) and that could well have come across as indifference.
Why on earth did dh pass on her comments?
All my Sil's are v different to me- one is toxic- but I can't imagine being that bothered!. The advantages of cousins who have each other and a quiet life would trump most problems.

She sounds horrible. It's really none of her business, is it? I am pro-breastfeeding but a) I understand that for some women it's very difficult b) I would never dream of saying to another woman that she should be breastfeeding if she wasn't, because it's not anything to do with me.

Hurtful remarks can often be hard to shake off, but especially so when they are made during a particularly vulnerable time. It's easy to tell someone they should move on, much harder to do it oneself.