to be unhappy that H gave up his job?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Very long story Will keep it short as possible. He is in his second week of no job. I knew he hated his job but never in a million years did i think he would just give a weeks notice. One Friday he said, during a disagreement about something else, that he might hand his notice in on the Monday. I did go a bit berserk. Worried mostly that he won't get another job, mortgage etc. Made it clear i wasn't happy. Sunday spoke about it again, again made it clear. Didn't actually say 'DO NOT DO IT' Monday he text me to say he gave a weeks notice. So now he has been out of work for just over a week.

He has some savings so no immediate financial worry. He has blood pressure problems and was finding work very stressful (but he finds most things stressful....) but actually did nothing to try to help this - more exercise/relaxation time.

I really struggled to come to terms with him just giving up a decent wage. I have tried to 'get past my negativity' and was doing a half decent job of it. We absolutely cannot manage on my wage alone. I have kept my very elderly horse for 20yrs through very hard times (financially) and can't imagine how i Will feel if this unemployment affects that (only possibility if i can no longer care for him is put to sleep)

Last week - first week of no work, i tried and succeeded to some extent, to be supportive. But, i have got home both yesterday and today, after long busy and unpleasant days at work i(i work with homeless people) to find him chirpy, full of it, and having done sod all. Last nights washing up still to be done before i cook. No housework done and constant 'what's wrong?' i don't want to say what's wrong because i thought i would give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign. For 6 months he has spoken about work to me every night for at least 45 minutes, often more and i have listened. He hasn't listened to me as he has been preoccupied with his own shitty situation. But he can't expect me to be suddenly thrilled after a hard day at work. My job can be challenging to say the least.

We've only been married two months but together 11yrs. I feel let down.

Look, this man is a parasite. I agree that the timing is NOT a coincidence: as soon as you are what many people would consider 'tied' to him, he downs tools. This is entirely in keeping with his history so far; and his behaviour since quitting also echoes it perfectly - sitting on his arse, happy to watch others slog away to keep him.

If you can't speak without getting upset/angry, write him a letter. Do it now.

Point out that as you are married, they aren't HIS savings (oops, nice little twist there that he may not have considered!) - they are BOTH of your savings. And you have no intention of seeing them spent on an extended period of loafing for him. So...

-There will be NO dipping into savings without agreement from you both.
-Condoms will be used until he has another job and has stuck it for 3 months.
-His actions are a betrayal of what the marriage vows are supposed to mean. He made a unilateral decision which has thrown your whole lives into jeopardy. If he doesn't make every effort, EVERY EFFORT to get a new job as soon as possible, you will look at having the marriage anulled.
-For his information, he needn't think that because he knows you want to start a family, that you will put up with the situation as you need him/the marriage to remain in place. Point out that if he's going to turn into a lazy cocklodger, then you'll split anyway, and you might be better off right now making the decision to dump him and start a family through sperm donation.

Now, getting a letter outlining that is going to make him shit his pants.

Which is exactly what you need - not only to stop him WASTING your savings now, but to knock any further nonsense on the head.

Take a hard line, and you might, might be able to curtail the worst of this guy. But you'll always end up carrying a dead weight, it seems. Is he worth it?

"Yes we do get on quite well normally."
Sorry, but the phrase "damned with faint praise" sprang immediately to mind .

I have a nasty feeling he would consider your potential ml on similar terms .

Would you be able to afford the horse if you were single though? Whilst I think he shouldn't have just chucked his job and that he should be doing the housework if he's at home (and you should be able to tell him to do the housework if he's at home without turning it into a drama) he never chose the horse and having it wasn't a joint decision.
There are no kids here and bills for a house for 2 aren't usually much more than for one so I wonder if he feels he has been doing a job he hates to pay for a horse he doesn't want anyway if you can't afford the horse on your salary alone.
The relationship sounds very poor though.

LIZS fair point not thus considered.

The comment at 13:03:24 was so dense you could pour it on a desert and call it custard.

Well, for mat leave, she could cheerfully compile a bill for a live-in, 24 hour nanny who charges double time for doing washing, ironing and cooking - and present it to him for payment of his half of the cost of raising their joint child.

Does he realise what the employment rates are right now?? I would be furious

Sorry i didn't understand LIZ last comment.

The horse is mine, i had already owned him for years before H came along, and have always paid for him myself without help from H. Although he would have helped if i asked him. We share mortgage and bills equally though i often buy all the food and heating oil. This was because i earn more although since the last job was better paid he has bought more food - we had started taking it in turns to shop.

I have to admit to being a bit peeved that he gets to not work.

I wouldn't have bought this house on my own. I couldn't afford it on my own horse or not.

Imnotmymum - that's something that really concerns me.

I bet it does Notta what does he say about it I mean this cannot go on and it is a shame your savings are being used for no good reason.

What I meant was that he could equate his choice not to work, do as much or little around the house as suits and have a "career break" with your potential maternity leave - even though having and looking after a baby is a full time job in itself let alone managing a home day to day. He has a distorted sense of entitlement.

There was another thread recently about the financial implications of one partner being economically inactive and supported financially by the other. Do you have a joint account ? Maybe he will yet surprise you by job hunting and cleaning up.

Oh i didn't catch on about what 'ml' meant. I hope i will get home and find the washing up done. We have a joint account that we pay an equal amount into to service the mortgage, council tax, water, elec, house insurance etc.

Do you think he is deliberately trying to wind you up? Is he playing some silly mind games with you?

Resigning from his job to pursue his leisure, not pull his weight at home, and innocently ask his fuming new wife "whats wrong?" seems not just strange but highly manipulative to me!

What is he trying to prove? What is he trying to achieve?

How come he does not realize that as an adult, in a committed relationship, letting one party work her arse off, earning money, and cooking and doing domestic chores is not only out of the question! It is downright cruel!

" I hope i will get home and find the washing up done."
Did that happen, OP? And if it didn't, what did you say to him?

It did happen. He was just finishing it when i got home at 7.15pm. And he had bought me a dvd which he left in the place where my post goes. Trying to make casual conversation with me. It only serves to not miss me off further though rather than make anything better.
I don't know if he's trying to wind me up. Cap at communication as i am, i have made it clear that i am upset and angry. I think because i managed to put it to the back of my mind at the weekend he stupidly thought that was 'it' and was somewhat surprised to find me grumpy again.

Ffs stop all the being grumpy. He won't get it. SPEAK to him.

I agree you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel.

I know i need to speak to him but to be honest i HAVE spoken to him, not in the last few days, but i HAVE made it perfectly clear how i feel which is why it infuriated me when he starts the 'what's wrong' crap So i have to tell him again, and again? Everytime i'm feeling pissed off, or upset or just bloody fed up with it all?

Well give him a grumpy look then and say everything is fine.

Then you need to tell him to fuck right off

I don't see where else this is leading, tbh

Firstly I understand your anger, frustration and fear.

Second.... may take longer. When I was 10 my dad 'gave up his job', he was a director in a big corporation, Mum was a part time 'something' (her career was in radiology but she'd given it up/taken a break because of Dad's job - rightly so, from a 'pot o money' point of view) it came out of the blue for us kids (again rightly so, why heap worry on us) but I suspect that after months and months of my Dad stressing and (badly) vocalising his Distress, suddenly Dad was unemployed.

My dad is a good man, who reached his limit FAR before he handed in his notice.

Anyway. Mum gave him a month to 'de-stress' and he did the garden, and played darts, went fishing and was utterly miserable.

He then got another job.

Here's the relevant stuff. Mum really DID allow him (what she called) Healing Time. He's a good man, a provider, he loved us kids (still does) but he'd reached his limit. He needed his healing time (Mum refers to it as moping time, he did fuck all around the house during this time which must have really pissed my mum off...)

End of story - he eventually got another job. We as a family moved 250miles from home (I was 15, not to be recommended) and started over. It was difficult, major sacrifices had to be made, my mother's frustrations and worries were completely valid BUT... looking back, we all acknowledge that although it was shit for all of us, my Dad simply would not be here now if he hadn't walked. He's a Yorkshireman, proud, strong, a fervent provider, a work addict (so long as the family are ok) and if he walked, we have to trust that it really was a make or break situation.

Your DH has left his job, and that's not easy. Not if you have any pride. You're right to take the stance that this isn't acceptable, BUT... you're a couple, and sometimes you have to soak up the shit of the other and life doesn't work to order. Telling him you're pissed off every time you see him adds no value, nagging him to get work adds none either. If you can mange for a couple of months, then dig deep and manage. He will also not turn into a perfect housewife overnight, especially give the circumstances.

Roll with it. Live to necessity only. If you have no children, and you do have an old horse, what is it that makes you not be able to manage? Outgoings? Slash them. If you cannot survive on just your wage AND keep the horse/child (I mean that respectfully, your horse is important and you can't just get rid) then you need to show your DH the facts... move home, somewhere smaller, somewhere that can be supported on just your wage alone, somewhere that he has no say until he earns.

YANBU in your worry. YABU to think he should just put up and shut up. Shit happens. Believe me it happens big. May as well accept it.

OP, just wanted to check - you said you were waiting for your cycle to come back - is there any chance you could be pregnant now? Because of course you would ovulate before your first period.

While he's not working, he should absolutely be in charge of the bulk of housework and cooking. If I were in your shoes I would go on strike domestically, even if it means taking his clothes out of the wm to wash only yours, and heating up a ready meal for one instead of cooking for you both - just until he understands that you shouldn't have to carry the full weight by yourself.