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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be unhappy that H gave up his job?

116 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/07/2013 20:12

Very long story Will keep it short as possible. He is in his second week of no job. I knew he hated his job but never in a million years did i think he would just give a weeks notice. One Friday he said, during a disagreement about something else, that he might hand his notice in on the Monday. I did go a bit berserk. Worried mostly that he won't get another job, mortgage etc. Made it clear i wasn't happy. Sunday spoke about it again, again made it clear. Didn't actually say 'DO NOT DO IT' Monday he text me to say he gave a weeks notice. So now he has been out of work for just over a week.

He has some savings so no immediate financial worry. He has blood pressure problems and was finding work very stressful (but he finds most things stressful....) but actually did nothing to try to help this - more exercise/relaxation time.

I really struggled to come to terms with him just giving up a decent wage. I have tried to 'get past my negativity' and was doing a half decent job of it. We absolutely cannot manage on my wage alone. I have kept my very elderly horse for 20yrs through very hard times (financially) and can't imagine how i Will feel if this unemployment affects that (only possibility if i can no longer care for him is put to sleep)

Last week - first week of no work, i tried and succeeded to some extent, to be supportive. But, i have got home both yesterday and today, after long busy and unpleasant days at work i(i work with homeless people) to find him chirpy, full of it, and having done sod all. Last nights washing up still to be done before i cook. No housework done and constant 'what's wrong?' i don't want to say what's wrong because i thought i would give him a couple of weeks 'off' before starting the new job campaign. For 6 months he has spoken about work to me every night for at least 45 minutes, often more and i have listened. He hasn't listened to me as he has been preoccupied with his own shitty situation. But he can't expect me to be suddenly thrilled after a hard day at work. My job can be challenging to say the least.

We've only been married two months but together 11yrs. I feel let down.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/07/2013 07:50

Keep the horse, dump the cocklodging husband

Lavenderloves · 03/07/2013 08:08

Yes the horse could be any number of things ( childcare cost for example) the issue is that he's not looking at your bigger picture.

He does sound very unhappy, i think you need to forgive this and push him to find work and redeem himself fast.

I would make him do housework as that's a great incentive to find work.

Do not get pregnant.

Lavenderloves · 03/07/2013 08:12

Btw " he has savings..."

No you have savings. 6 months of living cash is a baby fund surely?

Northernlurker · 03/07/2013 08:19

Feckless, selfish, idle - has he any redeeming features at all?

2rebecca · 03/07/2013 08:24

I would be angry with this. If you are married then giving up your job without another is a big decision that you make together, especially if he didn't even try to find another before hand. My husband hates his job but wouldn't chuck it because we have kids to help through university, he is looking for another though.
I would tell him that whilst he is job hunting you expect him to do the housework not just leave it for you when you get home, but that long term you don't want him to be a house husband but to get working again.
I would worry that the relationship isn't working with him not properly discussing the work situation with you first.

2rebecca · 03/07/2013 08:28

You must bear some of the responsibility for the poor communication between you though if when asked "what's wrong?" you don't actually tell him.
I hate being asked "what's wrong" when there is nothing wrong but I would have got home and told him exactly what is wrong before he had time to ask.

Nagoo · 03/07/2013 08:33

I have been here.

I was here before I had a baby and I was here when the baby was 8MO, but the second time was redundancy.

I still have a problem with the person my DH was at that time, even though he's retrained and in a steady job now.

You need a BIG talk.

Find out the plan. Don't speculate. Ask him what he intends to do.

If he hated his job so much that he needed to vent so often about it then he might have a fair argument for giving it up.

You need to lay it all out though.

It's only been a few days. He might pull it out of the bag yet....

TimeofChange · 03/07/2013 08:36

Get some contraception or give up sex.
Keep the horse.
Talk to him.

He has to look for a job.

He has to pull his weight at home.

My XH gave up his job 6 months after we got married, it was not good.
He didn't really get better either.

My friend spent 12 hours per day looking for work and did find it.
He reckoned he worked harder looking for a job than he had worked in his high level very stressful previous job.

Horsemad · 03/07/2013 08:48

I would go mad if this happened to me. You have to tell him what you expect him to be doing in the house whilst you are at work earning money.

Tell him 'you can't just chuck in your job when you have responsibilities'.

LIZS · 03/07/2013 08:51

You say he has a patchy employment history , has he done this before ? A week's notice would suggest it wasn't a particularly secure job either. He won't be able to claim JSA in the foreseeable and those joint savings will deplete quickly . He needs to know that you cannot possibly consider a baby with such a insecure outlook. He is freeloading, it is a luxury that he thinks can just opt to drop out for a bit, and at very least should contribute in terms of housework and active job seeking. If he does the former you will have more time and energy to assist the latter.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 03/07/2013 08:54

I honestly think you need to be very blunt and tell him that doing nothing is not an option.

Either he is working and bringing money in or he is taking care of the home while he looks for work because expecting you to bring the money and do all the house stuff while he sits on his arse all day is not an option.
you can't afford to live on one wage long term. The figures don't add up and once his savings are gone, there's a problem!

I truly would not even consider bringing a child into this situation. I think you need to sort it out before carrying on trying to have a baby. If you can't afford a horse -you can't afford a child!

melika · 03/07/2013 08:57

I have an 18yr old DS that won't/can't get a job, any job. It is so frustrating.

He really should have looked for another job before he jacked the last one in. He sounds very immature as though he needs looking after.
Big chat needed, ground rules set. Make sure he knows your point of view.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/07/2013 08:58

Re the horse - he is 32, so if i can't afford to keep him, he gets to die.

I know the communication is my problem too. I am just so angry that i don't feel able to have a sensible conversation without getting angry or crying. I was fed up last night, got the what's wrong thing. Said nothing much, he went and got in bath. I cooked tea
theres now two nights of washing up. I got more pissed off. This morning he said 'what exactly is your problem with me?' so i tried to explain. Didn't get far and now upset and late for work.

I am all too aware of my age when it comes to baby making.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/07/2013 09:02

Maybe you should give him a list of a few things to do a day - shopping , chores etc. He will probably use the last chipped mug rather than wash up the obvious dirties.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/07/2013 09:04

I just wish he would understand that i'm upset and angry because of him. That's not going to just go away and if i'm grumpy he needs to try and put things right. Or when i get in tell me what he's done to find work, or have noticeably done stuff in the house. There were new plants in the front garden yesterday. F**k the plants, do the bloody washing up!

I came home fed up then just got worse as i noticed what hadn't been done.

Apparently he is feeling the pressure. Good. And sorry but his behaviour doesn't show it.

Yes he has high blood pressure but has done nothing to help himself. I have heart problems and was in papworth the week before he gave notice.

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 03/07/2013 09:06

If you get upset and become inarticulate when trying to talk to him, write it all down and email it to him

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/07/2013 09:08

And re the wedding - were engaged for years, wanted to get a house first. Also i prefer the idea of being married before babies. It was a great day only serving to make me feel like a fool atm.

OP posts:

havingamadmoment · 03/07/2013 09:15

okI can sympathize with you although my situation was a little different.
We were happy, DH had a good job I was pregnant (planned) with dc4. One day DH woke up crying and totally unable to get out of bed, do anything or face the world - to this day we have no idea why. He quit his job before we had had ny sort of chance to talk about it. I was a 30 week pregnant SAHM with 3 older children it was a disaster.

HOWEVER, this is what you need to tell your husband - DH didnt just have a holiday off even though he was ill, he did what he could in the house at first even if that was literally just getting up and facing the day but after a few weeks and some treatment he started working freelance and actually built up the business which we now BOTH work in (along with other employees!) 4 years later.

Your dh is being pathetic, I dont care if he has quit his job, thats reallt up to him but he should be looking for other ways to make his day worth while - either he is a stay at home husband which with no children to worry about I woudl expect to mean him doign nearly 100% of the housework OR he needs to be finding work or income.

wharrgarbl · 03/07/2013 09:16

Said nothing much, he went and got in bath.

I think my head just exploded.

2rebecca · 03/07/2013 09:16

High blood pressure is often a genetic thing anyway, people with low stress jobs get it and your blood pressure gets higher as you get older. having high blood pressure means you should stop smoking, lose weight, exercise and go on tabs if necessary. it's not a reason to avoid all stress in life. He shouldn't use it as an excuse to lounge about all day.

specialsubject · 03/07/2013 09:20

do you enjoy this man's company? Does he enjoy yours? If not, why bother with any of this?

also hate to say it, but be less dependent on the horse. It is 32 and they don't live forever.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 03/07/2013 09:24

Yes write him a letter or email. You may find it helps to set it all out in black and white.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 03/07/2013 09:31

I'm not dependant on the horse, he is dependant on me. I know they don't live forever. I also know that if i have to put him to sleep before his time has come, because my husband gave his job up, that i won't be able to forgive him.

I think i Will write it down. Thank you all. Yes we do get on quite well normally.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2013 09:35

Is he getting treatment for the high blood pressure? Or has he just decided he has it after having a go on one of those machines in the chemist and is using it as a 'Poor Me, I'm Exempt from Effort' card?

He does sound parasitic: I agree with the posters who think that he has probably decided that now you are married it is your job to keep him. I wonder if he's fairly good-looking and therefore considers himself a special, valuable creature that people should feel privileged to look after.

VeganCow · 03/07/2013 09:35

The horse IS important. You have a 32 year old horse that you need to support. I would be putting the horse before him tbh. Always.

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