To be upset that I didn't get a Get Well Card?

[PavlovtheCat]

Or any kind of 'good wishes' message from my boss (indeed any message at all in any way from him!) or from my 'team', following surgery to remove damaged lumbar spine disc? It was planned, but the timing was short. I am off for 4wks plus, depending on recovery.

I know cards or good wishes are not compulsory, but, they are good for morale aren't they? It just tells me, which I suspected, that my team are pissed off with my absence, as I have had time off already due to long term back problems. But, it's been no secret, I also go into work in agony sometimes to try not to let my team down, I know I am a burden not an asset, but that is the point of this surgery, to improve my health so it no longer controls my life - so, although not just done for work purposes, they will of course benefit as I will in time have less time off due to back problems (here's hoping).

I have just received my payslip in the post. It get's sent to my place of work, and has been forwarded on to me, put in an envelop. So, someone put it in the envelop, sealed it, wrote my address on it. Not even a scrap of paper inside with good wishes. So, they have my address, so it's not that they don't know where to send it either.

I have felt the crisp atmosphere of my 'team' already, but hoped maybe, maybe my 11 years today service would mean I was missed a little bit. This used to be my career and now it is pretty clear it's just a job.

AIBU to be sad? DH says I should not have expected one, and, I didn't really, I am not surprised. I was hoping I would be pleasantly surprised. But I still can't help feeling a bit sad about it.

[magso]

YANBU Glad to hear you are making progress, and I hope your recovery continues smoothly and steadily.

It may not be that people are being thoughtless (except your manager) but the new atmosphere of confidentiality may be blocking communication.
A colleague of mine was missing from work for months. In the past the information vine would have worked and a large multi signed card and collection for gift would have been sent off to cheer up our colleague. On this occasion I kept asking where/how he was but all I got was vague replies, which indicated he was possibly ill but it may have been anything and that due to the secrecy I should not enquire further. It seems that no one from the management team could tell me or my colleagues why he was away (or give me his address) because of information governance and confidentiality. It turned out he very much wanted communication from his colleagues and was holed up for weeks with a major injury requiring a long recovery and extensive therapy in a specialist hospital not far from where I live! Everything changed when he wrote in (months later and back home) with his address for the staff noticeboard. This was him giving us the details so no breach of confidentiality.
I wonder if dropping a note to your collegues would be helpful. I know it sounds the wrong way around, but I expect they are thinking of you.

[Harryhairypig]

I expect it's E, people don't understand back pain until some of them get it themselves, then they get it and start being a lot more sympathetic! If people bitch about you being off a simple 'I'd love not to be off because that would mean I'm not in this massive pain all the time, which is spoiling a lot more of my life than just work' is what you should think about saying.

You've had surgery FFS, they don't do that for no reason. As its a long term condition, you will be entitled to adjustments and it sounds like you can do the job withthese adjustments. Make sure you take enough recovery time and do not rush back if not ready. You won't get thanked for it.

I have detached from work somewhat since I had health problems as even surface sympathetic people there, resent it deep down and I don't even have absences now, just a few adjustments. I have been hurt by some comments so try to put it in perspective and make it by clear when I think someone is being an arse over it unnecessarily. Hope your recovery is swift. Take care.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I'm so sorry to hear this op. Health problems can strike at anytime and to anyone. I also love my job and not being able to be there when I am ill has caused me huge unhappiness and frustration. I totally understand. It is not as if you asked for this to happen. I really hope your surgery goes well and that you feel better really soon. I don't blame you for feeling let down by your colleagues.

[toomanyfionas]

I felt like this when my sister died and I didn't even get a card from my colleagues/employers. Been there 4 yrs in senior role.
Then a week after I'm back i get asked to controbute to flowers for someone whose father died. Fuck the fuck off I thought meanly.

[PavlovtheCat]

hairy you are right, I think they just see it as a pain, with no real understanding of what back pain means. Higher up, it's not a problem. My last line manager was a star (not my team, but the manager was) apart from being a bit too honest about what my team thinks. She has worked with the HR manager to help me stay at work at a time when I probably would have lost my job with a private company due to inability to do my job well. I have had two stage 1 meetings due to meeting and exceeding by miles the trigger points for sickness, and have had the trigger points extended for my disability. The outcome of both of those meetings were No Further Action and more than that, that they fully anticipated and accepted that I will likely be off sick again a few times before I had the surgery and that would be managed (I had two days off since that meeting 4 months ago, followed by the last bout of absence, which was only two days before I was called in for surgery, so nowhere near what they had prepared for). I have lots of adjustments made, including a very expensive ortho chair, a headset so I don't have to reach for the phone and lean with it in my neck, files have been moved to waist height which has meant moving files of others around, and I get allocated an interview room for whole blocks of time if I have back to back appts so I don't have to keep getting up and down and going through heavy fire doors every 30 mins. I also have flexible working place that my HR manager has told me to take full advantage of to manage my pain levels, so sometimes I come in late, sometimes I leave early. I always work my hours though, as I often will make missed hours up on a friday which is my half day. But I expect that doesn't get noticed, only everything that has been done to keep me at work, and me coming in at 9:30am sometimes, or leaving at 3-4pm sometimes.

There has been a LOT done for me to keep me at work and honestly without the support of the HR Manager and my old boss, I would not have a job to be going back to now. I very almost quit about 6 months ago, and my old boss said 'you can't, you will regret it, don't stress about work now, you are doing what you need to sort your health out, that's all you can do and you will be able to work well again in the future'. But, now she has left, there are no allies!

[PavlovtheCat]

toomany I am so sorry to hear about your sister . I feel like that too, like, I am not signing any more cards. And that makes me sad that my own natural way of being has been altered a little. I would like to think I would sign a card still, but, I won't!

[PavlovtheCat]

MrsDeVere WHAT? How horrible. No wonder it affected you so you couldn't send your boys there. That's just the lowest. At a time when you need something more from people, when your DD did. School is such an important part of a child's life, they spend so much time there.

A text/messages would be fine. A reply from the manager to my email updating him on how surgery went would be nice, with a 'good to hear all has gone well, team say Hi' or something, but I didn't get that. I don't need flowers, I got bought lots of those by DH and some friends - ran out of space to put them all! You were thoughtful by staying in touch, that's what it's about.

[strawberrypenguin]

Hopefully that should be him 'fixed' now but he will have regular check ups with his consultant until he's about 10.

Hope your DS is recovering well starfish

Reading this makes me realise how bloody great my work were when DS had his op. they have me a month off with no argument including a weeks compassionate leave an sent DS a teddy bear. I was really touched at the time but appreciate it all over again now, can't believe some work places and schools can be so callous.

[xylem8]

YANBU miserable gits!

[starfishmummy]

Thanks strawberry. It will be slow going and he's bored. He's been home less than a week and tomorrow I am going to ring the dept that come out and do home ed to find out what has been organised - bet its nothing. Heads will roll at his school......

[toomanyfionas]

Thank you pavlov
The grief counsellor said that my sister's death had changed my lif e and that I may find my relationships change, too. Some for better, others for worse. And this has happened.

It sounds as though serious illness/injury - like yours - has the same impact.

It sounds really crap and it is no wonder you feel hurt.

mrsde that is just appalling about your daughter's school and I am so sorry for how hurt you have been.

[PavlovtheCat]

toomany I agree with what your grief counsellor says, and I think that some parallels can be made with my condition, as my life has literally been turned upside down and I have had to take a big hard look at my life as it was, as it is now, and how it might be in the future, as the way it was won't ever be again. So, it makes sense that relationships will change around me as I have changed.

[PavlovtheCat]

I think you know, this whole No Card business has just re-inforced that change in me. It reminds me that I need to move forward. It is reminding me that my moving forward might not include this career. Maybe it's not the card that upsets me; maybe it's what is symbolises, the loss of my career...oh, too deep for 10:30!

[toomanyfionas]

I think you are right. You are dealing with a lot of change which involves loss, always painful. You are also dealing with major physical pain which must be very difficult. I think it highlights what is and isn't working for us and yes, probably it is time for you to move on from those bastard colleagues. X

[toomanyfionas]

Oops, that was to OP.
thank you mrsdevere.
Can I ask, did you find out who your real friends were after your daughter died? I feel as though I have found out I don't have any friends whereas before I thought I did.

[PavlovtheCat]

toomany i am working on my exit strategy it's just not going to be imminent - hopefully this time next year. I need to do enjoy my life. All of it. I don't need to not enjoy 25-35 hours of it a week, surrounding myself with people who don't give a toss about me. I can do better than that. Just going to take a little time to make that happen.

[toomanyfionas]

pavlov that is an excellent strategy. In fact, I think I shall have to steal it for myself.

[MyBaby1day]

YANBU OP, when it was my Birthday (bit more of a thing as I have an illness ) we gave a neighbour a BIG piece of cake and he was fine with my Mum when she went to see him, told her to bring me up another time and everything (I was busy getting ready for a Birthday trip) BUT, no card when I got back! . You need me as a friend OP, you don't only get card but GIFTS too!!!, don't ask why but it's just a thing with me!!. You've not lived if you haven't had a gift off me!! . I put it down to plain old selfishness OP, nothing malicious, just selfish!. Hope you're better . If you're still upset PM me and I'll send you one!!.

[PavlovtheCat]

thank you mybaby that's very kind of you! I feel ok about it all at the moment, having purged my crossness on this thread.

[Vixx82]

I'm really glad I've found this thread. You tend to end up thinking your on your own and that makes the 'no one cares' feelings worse....
About 3 years ago I started having major soft tissue surgery on my hip. Cut a long story short - it was a botch job which has meant in total 3 operations to try and correct the issue. I've been back to work for long periods in between and worked at home to keep my job. Needless to say it's been extremely hard on me and those around me. I'm 3 weeks post surgery no 3 and I'm struggling to cope emotional with everything.....again on top of that I have not even had an email from any work colleague to see how I'm doing. My first op; I did have some flowers and a card which was lovely but my last op and this one it's like their annoyed with me (even though they know it's not my fault). I'm not after any gifts; just a 'how are you doing' text or email would be lovely. I have to say even some of my friends have surprised me with their careless nature and attitudes. This is getting me down a lot, do I say something directly to these 'coworkers and friends' so they know how I feel or just bottle it up and put it down to being emotionally drained and run down?

[ittakes2]

It's interesting as when I had surgery it did not even cross my mind to expect a card or wishes from work colleagues. Asking how I was when I got back was enough.