To feel a bit let down by my friend about my son's birthday?

[Spongingbobsunderpants]

Ds is due to be 5 soon. He's never had a proper party before so we have been organising something nice for him and his friends. Cut to one of my close friends whose ds happens to also be my ds's best friend asking me at a meet up could we keep X date free for her son's party. X date also happens to be my ds's actual birthday but not hers. She hasn't done it on purpose as she's clearly forgotten it is my ds 's birthday and clearly feels a bit embarrassed about it. We don't have chance to further chat about it as she has to go.

We meet up with both ds at the weekend and we talk about it again. She suggests we do a joint party which I'm more than happy to go with as an idea.

I go home and do a bit of research for cheap venues (neither of us have much spare cash) and find a great venue which would suit what we talked about.

I text her suggesting it but she texts back to say that they don't think my ds should have to share his birthday and that they're just going to have their own party for their ds at home - effectively precluding my ds and us from going (can't expect ds to go to someone else's party on his own birthday, and we have a couple of family visiting), preventing us having our own party (we have lots of shared friends with dc the same age) and will have to explain why ds won't be invited to his best mate's party. I know he's only 5 but he's very sensitive and loves my friend 's ds to bits.

I'm now considering jacking in the whole idea of a party round his birthday and having it later in the year when he's back at school. I'm just really disappointed that my friend is so unmoveable on the date.

Weird. Have you said to her, since her plans are fluid, is she willing to change the date?

I don't understand being wedded to a specific date (particularly now that she knows the complicating factor - your son's birthday) in the absence of any plans.

Well I think YABU a bit though I understand, my DD has attended another child's party on her actual birthday....DDs own party was booked for the next week.

WHy can't your son attend another party on his own birthday? 5 is old enough to understand that this is his friend's party....just do his gifts in the morning and have the friends and family special tea at night.

My Ds had his party 3 weeks after his birthday as everyone else grabbed the dates we wanted. He thought it was brilliant..he effectively had 2 birthdays..2 cakes and extended present receiving!! (Important to a 6 year old). We did go to another party on his actual birthday and he found the whole thing hilarious for some unknown small boy reason. So please try to let it go, I bet you can persuade your ds that it's all good fun and he can enjoy parties galore! Lucky chap.

And you get the moral high ground for being so relaxed...always nice to feel a bit superior!!

If she's given her reason for saying no to the shared party as being that she doesn't want your ds to have to share his birthday, then let her know that your ds would much rather have a shared party than have to miss out on his friends party and have his own party on a different day to avoid clashes!

The easiest answer is to have your ds's party on a different day and let your ds go to his friend's party on his birthday. Then the mutual friends will be able to go to both parties. Could you maybe arrange for your visitors to time it so that he can still go to the other party?

she texts back to say that they don't think my ds should have to share his birthday

Maybe this really means she doesn't think her ds should have to share his birthday. A bit strange as she was the one who suggested the joint party.

Could it be that she didn't like the venue you suggested, or thought it was too expensive, but is making excuses?

Thanks for the replies...firstly, I think the main issue isn't the actual logistics of the party (it's not ideal but it's also not the end of the world to have a party on a different day) but the fact I feel let down by my friend- I would have expected her to be more thoughtful, particularly as she knows how close my ds is to her ds.

I think it is her husband who has effectively said what he wants the arrangements to be - at their house, with their friends and without the added hassle of too many kids (I think, on reflection, they want the party to be more of an adults orientated event than a kids party). I can fully see their point of view but, again, I'm just upset (maybe too oversensitively so) that they have disregarded my ds so easily.

I don't think my ds would cope with going to his best friend's party on his own birthday to be honest. My friend knows we have some family visiting from further afield so it's not like we can leave them for someone else's party on ds 's birthday when they've come specially.

The more I think about it, the more convinced I am to just have a small family gathering on the day, be gracious and have a separate party later on when they can all come, try to gently explain to ds why he hasn't been to his best mate 's party and learn the important lesson that I shouldn't expect as much from my friend in future.

She's being daft. I had a shared party for my DS this year and it was really helpful as lots of friends of both children were able to come.

What actual day is all this? If it's a weekend, would she have her DS's party on the Sat (for example) so you could have your DS's on the Sunday?

I do think she's being selfish over this. Have you said directly to her 'you know, by having your DS's party on that day that effectively stops my DS from having a party on the actual day of his birthday as all his friends will be at your place'. Just spell it out. If she still insists it's reasonable (which in my book it isn't, really) then you know what to expect of her in future.

elquota yes, I thought the same as you - it probably is a bit of that but more her partner vetoing it, not her. I think she shouldn't really have offered to have a joint party all along- she just got embarrassed she forgot the date of my ds's birthday, tried to make amends by suggesting a joint one but then her partner says no to it and she has to backtrack- but unfortunately giving reasons which basically mean we can't go as it would effectively be too awkward having another child who's real birthday it actually is, at their own son's belated birthday party.

Assumung his birthday is on a weekend could you not 'move' his birthday to the day before or day after? We did this for DD's 4th birthday as we were invited to child-free wedding on her actual birthday!

Otherwise, yes to having a family gathering on the day and then having the party on a different day.

I do think your friend is being odd though- unless ahe had actually booked something I don't see why she can't change her DS's party.

whose not who's

snazzy thanks for the reinforcement I'm not being oversensitive...the more I think about it, the more I reckon it is just an adults' booze up dressed up as a kids party. I actually think their priority is not their ds - ie. no party games etc, but for an excuse for a social event.

I'm just really sad to come to the realisation that things I think are important are not to them- and that our friendship isn't as good as I thought. I'm not going to make any more of a deal out if it and I'll still continue the friendship as before but with the knowledge that I shouldn't expect the same things. I can't deal with confrontation - she's quite feisty and I'd get so upset if I spoke to her properly about it that she's probably think I need to toughen up.

I think thats odd. I would never do that. I wouldn't go to the party, take your son for a nice family day out and have his birthday party the following day to make a weekend of it.

intheshed yes, that's probably what we'll do. I might leave it until school has started again so it's something for him to look forward to. I'm sure he'll love being back at school and talking to his mates about it.

I know no-one has 'dibs' on a set day for their party but I can understand why you're hurt being so close. It's your Ds' actual birthday so it's only natural you'd plan it then and as a good friend with a Ds who's best friends with your Ds of course you wouldn't expect they'd have it on the same day unless there was a good reason. It also doesn't sound like she's willing to compromise.
You'll probably have to do the gracious thing as you've said as you don't want the kids not to spend birthdays with each other and you want your Ds to have a party in his own right but I'd be a bit pissed off too.
Would you do it on her Ds' actual bday and how would she feel? Think she's a bit of a selfish twat without a good reason for picking that day.

I'd be a bit miffed in your shoes. But, assuming it's a weekend, can't you have a party for your DS in the morning? You can still invite your friend's DS, along with all their friends, then decide whether or not you want to go to the other, more adult orientated, party - I assume that will be much later in the day? DS is a similar age and often goes to parties in the morning. Two in the same day isn't that uncommon.

combine I really don't think I can take ds to their party - the text I received said that my ds couldn't be expected to share his birthday with their ds, and they know we already have family coming from the north for it. If it is not a shared party, I can't bring ds 's family and I can't leave my family here while we go to what is probably an extended drinking affair, not a two hour kids focused thing with party games. It's the assumption that "we're doing this even if it means you and ds can't come" and sours any thought of doing anything party related because his best mate and a clutch of his other mates won't be able to come. (I'm not going to passively aggressively stealth invite then before she does , although one of our mutual friends, who knows about the party, asked me if I thought it was odd)

Dt even if I had the party in the morning, I get the distinct feeling my friend wouldn't bring her son seeing as she 'll be doing lots of prep for her own party.

Hmm, maybe have your party as a more traditional, say, 10-12 or 11-1 kids party in a hall or soft play, if hers is going to be an afternoon/evening thing? I expect people would go to both, it's not unusual to go to 2 parties on one day.

You could suggest she just drops him off though - giving her peace to prep for their party. Or pick him up en route if that was feasible?

I don't think this would bother me at all. I would just work around it. Let your DS go to his friends party and arrange his family celebration for later ( or earlier) in the day and his bigger party for another day. Evenif you have family visiting I am sure your DS could be spared for a couple of hours to go to his friends party.

It really didnt bother my DCs when they had their parties even when they were little.

There could be lots of reasons why she had a rethink about having a shared party. I wouldn't assume it is because she doesn't care about you or your son.

If you choose for your son not to attend his friends party are you sure he would mind? Could you arrange something special for them to do together another time? Perhaps a special day trip or a meal out.

You know what, I think I'll just ask ds what he wants to do. If he wants to go to the party at his friend 's house, then we'll go, even if if makes my friend feel awkward. It's not about me or her, is it? I'm in danger of getting too wrapped up and precious in all of this so sod it! Let the kids decide!

Sounds like a good plan. Hope it all works out.

so....a few weeks on and ds's birthday rapidly approaching..we are going to said friend's party for a couple of hours but hardly anyone will be there as everyone will be on holiday apparently. We did try to organise a party for ds for the date but quickly realised the same thing - that no one would be able to come so we're taking ds to his favourite farm park on the day, and having his real party next month once school has started. Said mum friend has sort of apologised and realised, when we had another recent playdate, how well they truly get on (she's had a few shitty playdates recently, I gather) and suggested we all go to France next year for a holiday. Everything seems patched up, although I am circumspect about her friendship for the timebeing. Holiday in France, eh? We'll see!

This is mental. Kids' birthday party fall out to going on holiday together?

My eldest has an August 29th birthday. His best fried is July 19th. Generally, he has his thing in Juy, mine has his September.

No one has ever fallen out. We had a few joint ones when they were little in mid July.