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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I UR? (wedding related)

38 replies

SparklyVampire · 02/07/2013 14:46

A bit of background so not to drip feed, I haven't spoken or seen my Father in 4 years except for the occational message on Facebook, He has never met my Fiancee (together 3 years) he doesn't know the name of my children (aged 11, 8 and 1). It's always been this way since I was a child he has always been more interested in his latest woman and her children to care about me or my brothers.

Fast forward on a few years and he has another child, this one he actually raises and dotes on. Any conversation with him from then on was about his DD, I don't remember him even asking anything about me.

Now I am getting married in 3 weeks, DP and I don't have a ton of cash so decided to keep it close family only. I invited my father to the wedding, he immediately asked my stepmother (who I dislike and haven't spoken to in years) and his DD and half his side of the family. I told him I have to keep numbers low and besides which why should I have to pay for people who I don't see or even like.

He said Im selfish and that his DD will be heartbroken, ( she is 17 now). I honestly doubt this as we barely know each other. Anyway I made it clear it would be him only, now he is laying on the guilt trip. Im starting to feel like crap about it. Im 30 years old and he can still make me feel like a naughty child.

Thank you if you got this far and sorry if it makes no sence, but AIBU? because im starting to doubt myself.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/07/2013 14:48

Tell him that he comes alone or not at all.

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

NoRainNoRainbow · 02/07/2013 14:48

YANBU

Tell him it's jus it's just him, or he doesn't come. Don't get into conversation with him. Be blunt and firm, don't make excuses for yourself. Tell him that's the way it is and be done with it

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/07/2013 14:48

YANBU. The usual "your wedding, your way" mantra applies here, how dare he invite people, virtual strangers, to your wedding?! I'd be withdrawing his invite. Angry

sweetestcup · 02/07/2013 14:49

If you don't speak why do you want him at your wedding?

Original poster
SparklyVampire · 02/07/2013 14:51

I don't know really, It's like a hangover from childhood. I didn't want to upset him by not inviting him. I sound stupid i know.

OP posts:
Squitten · 02/07/2013 14:54

You don't sound stupid - but perhaps childhood issues are playing a part here.

You have been very nice to invite him at all from the sound of it. He is exceptionally rude to invite other people to your event. Just tell him, once and for all, that his invitation is for him alone. Nobody else is invited from his family and you understand if that means he is unwilling to attend. And then have no further conversation about it.

I fear that unless you disengage from him, you will end up backing down and regretting it forever

wonderingsoul · 02/07/2013 14:55

id respond with. "tbf.. you are only being invited because your my dad by blood"

QueenofallIsee · 02/07/2013 14:55

Your DF would have the right to talk invitees with you had he ACTED as a DF at any point. NoRain is right, 'this is how it is, come or not as you wish' would be my view.

maja00 · 02/07/2013 14:55

I'd take back his invite too and give his place to someone who is actually in your life!

DarkWinter · 02/07/2013 15:17

I had a similar situation with my dad, but I invited him - and my dreadful "stepmonster", too. Everyone else had a plus one, and it wouldn't have been right for him not to have one too - plus, who was he going to talk to one the day besides me in those circumstances? I had other people to deal with, tbh.

You're right to be hacked off at the invite to your half-sibling and other relatives though.

WileyRoadRunner · 02/07/2013 15:20

Retract the invitation if you don't really like him.

Or tell him the way you feel, put it out there and say you'd like to move your relationship with him forward and put the past behind you if that's what you want.

It does sound a little like you resent your half sister for a situation that is not her fault though.

samandi · 02/07/2013 15:23

Er, of course YANBU. I'm slightly confused at to why you invited him at all though.

YellowDinosaur · 02/07/2013 15:27

YANBU

YANB stupid either.

I'd go for 'it's an invitation for you and you alone and not up for discussion. Please let us know whether you'll be attending or not by x date otherwise we'll presume you won't be here'.
Then send the same message to every further attempt to guilt trip you until x date when I'd send a message saying 'given that we've not had a reply were presuming you won't be here - I'll send you a photo'

CunningAtBothEnds · 02/07/2013 15:30

Tell him not to come he sounds an utter cocklodger

LineRunner · 02/07/2013 15:32

I think the OP invited him out of the well-known 'fear, obligation, guilt' ('FOG') emotions so often seen on the Relations board when discussing 'toxic' parents.

OP, you doing amazingly well in standing up to him.

I suppose they could all come to the actual service.

memphis83 · 02/07/2013 15:32

I could have wrote this op, my Dad, his wife and kids are invited but his mother and siblings are not, he has guilt tripped me that they are not invited and he also lays it on thick that I haven't asked my half sister to be bridesmaid, I told him its not his wedding he hasn't contributed and if he doesn't like it then don't come.
I stick by the my wedding my rules view though and am not bothered if it offends.

LineRunner · 02/07/2013 15:32

Relationships board, even.

scaevola · 02/07/2013 15:34

It's not up to guests to add further guests. It's up to those invited to accept or decline as they wish.

I've no idea whether you ABU in deciding not to invite his family unit (I don't think it's necessary, but I've seen some posters on here getting very agitated about it being wrong not to invite both of the 'social unit' of an established couple and/or their children). But he is BVU in trying to change invite the non-invited.

Yama · 02/07/2013 15:35

No, you are most certainly not being unreasonable.

Onesleeptillwembley · 02/07/2013 15:36

Here's a rarity. You're getting a unanimous response (from me, too). Hope thar helps you keep your resolve and peace of mind. Happy wedding! Thanks Thanks Thanks

KatyTheCleaningLady · 02/07/2013 15:42

He doesn't know the names of your children??? Shock

Fuck him. Tell him he can go get bent.

Bobyan · 02/07/2013 15:46

Your wedding, your day.

No negotiations.

badtime · 02/07/2013 15:48

He sounds like a total knob. In your position I would withdraw his invitation as he behaved in such a disrespectful way to you.

Think about who is calling you selfish - he clearly has a different view of what that means to normal people. He thinks that everyone should behave in the way that is best for him. He doesn't deserve to be at your wedding.

MumnGran · 02/07/2013 15:51

Stand your ground.
Fathers who walk away/dont give a damn most of the time seem to become very precious about their daughters getting married, but at some point there is a hard pay-off for the years of neglect ....and your F is facing it.
He gave up the right to be considered when he ignored you for so long. He now has to realise that this also means he gave up the right to feel entitled in any way whatsoever!! those of us with really good relationships with our kids would not have had the nerve to invite people to their weddings because we felt like it

Please stop feeling guilty and stick with your original plan This is your wedding, and your choices are what count!! if the SM and SSis don't like it ....tough. If your father decides he on't come under those conditions then you have to say that is his choice ...and pretty much same old, same old, by the sound of things.

However it pans out ..... have a wonderful day, free of guilt!!!

ZillionChocolate · 02/07/2013 15:53

YANBU in inviting only people you want there.

I wonder whether you are a little U about your half sister though. She didn't ask to be born or to be treated unfairly (well) compared to you.