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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Raging with DP - am I allowed to be?

73 replies

TheDudeAbides · 02/07/2013 10:03

Have namechanged but am a regular. Need your consensus MN.

DP rang yesterday and asked if I would mind if he went for a few drinks after work with some mates who were then going on to the cinema so he'd be leaving at 7.30pm-ish and heading home (he works in a different city).

All fine with me. I told him to have fun.

By 10pm I was a bit so text him. No reply. Rang him. Phone was off.

I then saw that he'd been on FB and added 2 new friends (presumably from the group he'd been out with) so I sent him an arsey message telling him he was a thoughtless prick eejit sometimes.

He gets on the train at 11.30pm, utterly hammered, and falls asleep going past our city and onto another city 30 miles away .

I ring him on the train back to our city (at 2am - he gets up for work at 5.30am) and admittedly I was angry. He curses at me, tells me I've overreacted and am far too inflexible and instead of coming home he stays on the train, goes back to his work city and kips on a mate's sofa.

AIBU to be annoyed at him? He's 30 fecking years old. It's a Monday night ffs.

OP posts:

Mycatistoosexy · 02/07/2013 10:26

If there were, my DP would be there a lot

There's probably underground 'strip' clubs with lots of nerdy beardy men watching high spec PCs being taken apart and put back together again.

Mycatistoosexy · 02/07/2013 10:30

My DP does this sort of thing too. Goes out, started drinking, thinks 'I'll have another' then gets wandered an loses all track of time.

I get annoyed as he never answers his phone or texts to st he'll be back late. He would if course go mental if I did anything like that.

He only does it a handful of times a year so it's not a deal breaker but I still call him a cock every time he does it.

Feelingood · 02/07/2013 10:30

My DH did this along with a load of workmates.

For two hours I waited for him to come home after he said he was I was beside myself thinking something had happened as he should only have been 30 mins and it was early hours.

I went ballistic when he came in drunk - he could nt understand the fuss thought I was well OTT. When he went to work all his colleagues DP's were the same and he grovellingly sent some flowers.

It has not been repeated. It was a work event but they don't normally go out for drinks normally just a meal (quite conservative)

Its irresponsible IMO and disrespectful.

Give him hell.

Mycatistoosexy · 02/07/2013 10:31

Bloody iPhone, damn autocorrect, stupid sleep deprivation.

Too many typos to correct

reggiebean · 02/07/2013 10:34

TheDude they all do, something to do with a damaged ego I think

Also, just as an aside, just because it shows he's now friends with ppl, he could've sent the requests earlier in the night/before they'd gone out. It doesn't show up in the news feed until they've been accepted, so it wasn't necessarily him that was doing the accepting, IYSWIM?

YouTheCat · 02/07/2013 10:42

Annoying.

How hard is it to make a quick call/send a text saying plans have changed and he's staying out?

And how would he react if you did that?

Original poster

TheDudeAbides · 02/07/2013 11:04

I don't know You.

I'm out this Friday - maybe I'll test it out

OP posts:

FizzyPiglet · 02/07/2013 11:53

Yeah, super annoying when Peter Pan emerges - my DH has done almost exactly the same (without the train sleep) and it does make you mad, especially as a text would have done the job and you might have got a better nights sleep.
Personally I'd stay neutral & see if he's sorry & repentant when he gets home (I'd milk it if so: 'I was so worried!' etc) but if he's still being a cock, then I would unleash the seven plagues of Egypt (or similar).

Original poster

TheDudeAbides · 02/07/2013 13:58

Thanks Fizzy.

I'm going to do exactly that. I know he feels like shit and is sorry. I'll let him prove it.

I just don't get how he can do it again after me almost throwing him out last time

I imagine he'll go to bed at the same time as DD tonight which gives me another night of me telly and, tonight, definitely

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LouiseSmith · 02/07/2013 14:02

I would be angry that he didn't respect you enough to atleast text and let you know he was going to stay out later. I presume if his mates where going to the cinema, he thought he would be home at a reasonable hour!
x

UC · 02/07/2013 14:18

I'd be angry at no text/message to say plan had changed, and at the millions of calls when he realised he had overslept his stop. After not calling you to say plans are changed, did he seriously think you'd help him out when he fell asleep on a train in the early hours?!

If you're out on friday, maybe the only way he's going to get this is if you do it back at him. Not very mature, but might work.

CheeseStrawWars · 02/07/2013 15:39

You need to not make it about "you went out drinking on a school night, you shouldn't have done that, you're irresponsible" and make it more about how it impacts on you.

feeling anxious about his safety.
depriving you of sleep through phonecalls
impact on your relationship - e.g. introducing trust issues, you feel you can't trust what he says ("I'll head off at 7.30" - this is effectively a lie.)
Impact on the family - has his hangover/state of drunkenness impacted his ability to do his job today? Also should something happen to DH, some accident say, which his inebriation was likely to have contributed to, I don't think his life insurance would pay up. What position would that leave you, as a family, in?

He is clearly an alcohol abuser, you could go so far as to say an alcoholic. One definition is: "An alcoholic is a man or a woman who suffers from alcoholism - they have a distinct physical desire to consume alcohol beyond their capacity to control it, regardless of all rules of common sense" from here. Most alcoholics are in denial, however. Your DH will cast you in the role of the "boring" grown-up, spoiling his fun. Because then the problem is yours, not his. One of the signs that you have a problem with alcohol is that it impacts your relationship. Maybe sit down with him and go through one of the online tests like this test to identify how problematic his drinking actually is.

Original poster

TheDudeAbides · 02/07/2013 15:46

Thanks for the post Cheese but he's not an alcohol abuser or an alcoholic.

Nothing like MN for dealing in extremes.

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AugustaProdworthy · 02/07/2013 15:49

Not U at all but I've been there too, in the past with my ExH and now think 'it's up to him' if my current DH does anything mad. I've put myself in all manner of stupid situations in the past but no one knew. If someone did and went on at me I think I'd get a bit annoyed with them. However I would be pleased that someone did actually care enough to be cross with me.

CheeseStrawWars · 02/07/2013 15:55

"Alcohol abuse is defined as a pattern of drinking that is accompanied by one or more of the following situations within a 12-month period:

?Continued drinking despite having ongoing relationship problems that are caused or worsened by the effects of alcohol..."

As you were then.

CSIJanner · 02/07/2013 16:25

TBH, I don't think you would have been more than narked had he not verbally lashed out when you finally spoke to him. That was twattish. Going out again all night after January and no doubt having words then, YANBU. See if he comes to the same conclusion tonight. If not, let it rip and let him know how twatty and sad his behaviour was last night.

reggiebean · 02/07/2013 16:26

Cheese

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/07/2013 17:14

So he has form?

Yes I would be pissed off.

He clearly has a drinking problem.

DIYapprentice · 02/07/2013 17:16

Was your message on FB public or private? I think if it was public then I cans of understand some of his reaction.

You probably need to send him a message saying something like 'Going out on a work night was a bit of a daft thing to do. Not warning me that it was going to be a late one was irresponsible and quite selfish. Turning it on me and making ME out to be the bad guy here has pissed me off to the extreme'.

Because that's the whole point, isn't it? If he hadn't been so immature about the way he went about it, none of it would have been a problem!

Oh and YANBU - If I'm not expecting DH to be late and he is late then I worry too. It's normal, isn't it?

ilovexmastime · 02/07/2013 17:27

My DH used to be in the habit of going awol occasionally. After a particularly bad instance, I told him (and meant it) that if he ever did it again then he could move back in with his parents.
After talking about how it made me feel he admitted that he hadn't been texting/calling me to let me know where he was or what time he'd be back because he thought it was better to get it in the ear the next day rather than there and then.
I told him that I wouldn't have a go over the phone if he rang to say he was going to be late and since then we've been fine (because I genuinely don't care what time he gets home so long as he's back roughly when he says he's going to be, so that I don't lie awake worrying).

Ilovemyself · 02/07/2013 17:29

Did his mates get him so drunk all reason went out of the window? If so then I guess he may not have been thinking straight and may be why he wasn't acting rationally ( by letting you know when he was able to friend people on FB). If so then he really needs to give his mates a good kicking as it wasn't fair on him or you.

If that was the case I would say you should be pissed with him for not realising how drunk he was getting but the other things are just a byproduct of the situation.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2013 17:29

He's old enough to know his limits by now. Go out and have a drink or 3 with your mates but stop whilst you are still in a fit state to get yourself home.

I thought binge drinking was for teenagers.

Does he have trouble with stopping drinking once he has started i.e. does he reach a tipping point where more booze seems like a good idea.

Original poster

TheDudeAbides · 02/07/2013 17:37

To answer questions.

The FB msg was a private one. I'm not a drama llama!

He doesn't drink habitually. A few beers on a weekend or a bottle of wine with me. 99% of the time he's a sensible social drinker.

Twice this year and maybe 3 other times in our 12 years together he's done this immature irresponsible disappearing act.

He is a hardworking high earner. Long days plus a 4 hour commute daily. He goes out maybe once every 2 months.

I'm not excusing it. I just think it's the fun of a rare night with mates plus him thinking he can drink whiskey like Johnny Cash. He can't.

Also, we have no family nearby and no babysitters so our socialising is largely done separately .

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/07/2013 17:41

On a serious note - if this has happened twice this year is he under a lot of stress right now?

Original poster

TheDudeAbides · 02/07/2013 17:45

Short answer Chaz - yes.

We're working to improve things and DP is in the process of finding a contract in our home city so the commute will disappear and hopefully he'll have a better work/life balance.

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