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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need advise on grandparents involvement

32 replies

Charlietango40 · 01/07/2013 23:48

Me and my 3 children were at my mother in law's today and my son (9) took 2 biscuits out of her cupboard and sat down and started eating them. He did this recently and on that occasion I told him he was to ask his grandmother first if he was allowed one. On that occasion she said no he didn't need to ask. So I said please don't go against me I want him to grow up with good manners. Today I told my son he needed to ask first and then she said to him 'you don't need to ask, it's my house and you're at home'
My concerns are that he would not be showing her respect by just helping himself and that she is not showing me respect by ignoring my wishes as his parent.
This time I said nothing but I'm not happy with this situation. Any ideas?

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 01/07/2013 23:51

On the day he eats every biscuit in the house and she complains, look her straight in the eye and remind her that she said he didn't need to ask...
OR...
Say "he has to ask at home, we don't allow unlimited treats" or similar.

MidniteScribbler · 01/07/2013 23:55

Don't sweat the small stuff. It's really not big enough to make a case out of.

If you must, then tell your son that he must ask you before he is allowed to have any treats.

HarrietSchulenberg · 02/07/2013 00:00

Her house her rules. She just wants him to feel comfortable there. But if you really feel that uncomfortable remind him of the "ask first" rule before you visit.

MortifiedAdams · 02/07/2013 00:02

Maybe coach him to say "Just grabbing a biscuit,.Nan" or similar.

She doesnt require him asking, so at least rhis is more polite than just going and getting.

fizzbump · 02/07/2013 00:09

Understand your concerns. I'd consider it terribly rude if my kids helped themselves to snacks at grandparents... even at home they ask, so do I. Either speak to her while alone and explain that you feel uncomfortable with them helping themselves. Firstly for manners and secondly it may not be an appropriate time for them to snack. Or just ignore her "help yourself" comments and continue getting the kids to ask, eventually she'll get the hint.

Nanny0gg · 02/07/2013 00:10

If you're not there then you have to accept he can take as many as he likes as she permits this.

If you are there, then I would expect him to ask you first before having any.

TidyDancer · 02/07/2013 00:13

I'm in the 'her house, her rules' camp tbh.

Regardless of how you feel about that, I think this is a time to consider the pick your battles argument.

This is such a minor silly thing that doesn't need to be made into a big deal.

imademarion · 02/07/2013 00:17

My parents were like Victorians when we were growing up.

They now offer my DC biscuits and cake at shocking times of the day and insist they help themselves.

Sometimes they ask. Other times not

These days, I try and celebrate the special relationship they have with each other. My DC wouldn't take anything without asking in any other house.

But they know at GPs that they are adored and cosseted and spoilt silly with love as well as granny's lemon drizzle cake

And we all need somewhere like that to go.

Boomba · 02/07/2013 00:18

yep...you cant make her, make him ask her

but you can tell him, he has to ask you...

is it because you dont want him to have unlimited biscuits, or the 'manners' aspect of it?

amazingmumof6 · 02/07/2013 00:22

he has to ask. no matter what anyone says.
your opinion trumps anyone else's.

we have this problem sometimes. I told my kids that taking without asking is stealing.

thebody · 02/07/2013 00:26

He will work out how to act at different houses. Mine had nannies cookie jar and used to drive me a bit nuts as they were allowed to have one before dinner.

She's dead now and they are older but with lovely memories of this treat.

It doesn't matter really does it.

Thumbwitch · 02/07/2013 00:26

If you're there at the time, then make him ask YOU if it's ok for him to EAT a biscuit. That covers the "ask at home but not at granny's" situation. You're there, you get asked - she doesn't.

She is undermining you which is extremely annoying but there's not a lot you can do about it as far as she is concerned - you've asked her once and she's still doing it her own way - so just find ways around it.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 02/07/2013 00:28

Are you being serious or is this a wind up ??!

Boomba · 02/07/2013 00:32

toastie

Do you think OP, should cut all ties with the crazy biscuit feeding grand-parents, and just be done with it?

IneedAyoniNickname · 02/07/2013 00:34

I agree with the others, if you're there he asks you. If not then its her house her rules.

TolliverGroat · 02/07/2013 00:37

My concerns are that he would not be showing her respect by just helping himself and that she is not showing me respect by ignoring my wishes as his parent

But you aren't concerned that he'd be not showing her respect by ignoring her clearly-expressed wishes that he not ask her? Ignoring the way in which someone asks you to act in their house is not good manners, and you claim to want him to grow up with good manners.

I agree with Thumbwitch -- you can specify that he has to ask you whether he can eat a biscuit when you're there. Further than that you can't really go.

MidniteScribbler · 02/07/2013 00:55

I told my kids that taking without asking is stealing.

Yes, because taking a biscuit from a jar in a house where he has already been told to help himself is just one step away from a hardened criminal.

Splatt34 · 02/07/2013 02:24

gosh, I still ask my mum if I want something at her house!!

I would expect DCs to ask me if they want a snack. If I say yes then abide the rules of that house

exoticfruits · 02/07/2013 06:40

Children easily accept that different houses are different rules.
He knows that he asks at home. His grandmother has discussed it with him and he knows that at her house she has a biscuit tin where he can help himself. I dare say he knows that he can't just go into her fridge and make a cheese sandwich! It is a small thing and I can't see the problem.
In a similar line if a child takes off their shoes at the door in their own house but Grandma says to keep them on when they go to her house it is hardly undermining your rules. It is easy for the DC - he takes off shoes for you but not for grandma.

exoticfruits · 02/07/2013 06:41

It is a good thing for DCs to know that different households have different rules and do things in different ways.

Fraggle3112 · 02/07/2013 07:44

I always had to ask politely at home and was only allowed treats at certain times (dependent on meals etc). At Nana's house I helped myself to as many delicious home made cakes as I liked when I liked, quite often she would bake them especially for me!!
IMO parents are there for discipline and grandparents spoil DC rotten. I loved my Nana dearly and now she's gone I'm sure my mum will spoil my DS I'm exactly the same way while I try and fail to instil some order

Splatt34 · 02/07/2013 08:27

My parents and to some extent my in laws know to ask me or DH if DD can have a treat & she knows she must ask if she wants something.

heidihole · 02/07/2013 08:33

She is undermining you which is irritating.

However she may be happy not to be asked but you're not. So make DS ask you (ie it may spoil his dinner etc). Go on the basis that MIL doesn't need asking but you do, if you're there.

exoticfruits · 02/07/2013 08:36

She isn't undermining! It is her house- she merely runs things differently.
People become parents and then have the odd idea that they can order their DCs entire environment .

cory · 02/07/2013 08:38

TolliverGroat Tue 02-Jul-13 00:37:55
" "My concerns are that he would not be showing her respect by just helping himself and that she is not showing me respect by ignoring my wishes as his parent"

But you aren't concerned that he'd be not showing her respect by ignoring her clearly-expressed wishes that he not ask her? Ignoring the way in which someone asks you to act in their house is not good manners, and you claim to want him to grow up with good manners."

Agree with this. He is showing her respect by doing as she tells him. You are trying to undermine her role as a hostess.

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