To try to resurrect this friendship...

[englishbreakfast]

Sorry, this is quite long, but I'd like some thoughts please regarding a situation with an ex-friend. I've been close friends with N for about 14 years, we'd meet as couples with her DP and my DH, celebrate most birthdays and Christmases together, go on holidays etc. I initiated most of the contact, but she was like this with all her other friends and even family, so I didn't mind. She's had on /off depression for years and lots of issues with her mum from when she was growing up, so I kind of thought that maybe that was the reason she wasn't great at keeping in touch with people generally. Just over 2 years ago we had our DD, and gradually our friends started distancing themselves and there would always be a reason why they couldn't meet up with us. I had PND and DD had some issues in the first few months, but when I tried to talk to N about how I was feeling a couple of times, she seemed quite dismissive. During that time I'd kept in touch with her through occasional calls and texts and we saw them a few times, but when I invited them to DH & DD's joint birthday party (DD's 1st birthday so a big deal for me), she didn't respond to my text for a week and then when I gently prompted by another text to check if they'd be coming, she just replied to say they couldn't.

Several months later we saw them at a mutual friend's birthday and N was really off with me but won't tell me why. We saw them twice after that and things seemed better so I thought we were over whatever the issue was. However, over the following 4 - 5 months they'd again be busy every time we'd suggest to meet, and would never call us themselves. They have a very small social circle and we were their closest friends, so it just didn't feel right. In the end, I texted N to say that I felt like we were becoming distant and that our friendship was disappearing. She replied to say that yes, the friendship was not the same as we've both changed and maybe one day she'd talk to me about it. This really upset me as I had no idea what the issue was, so I emailed her and her DP basically saying that we were very upset that they didn't want to be our friends and that they have distanced themselves from us with no explanation, and if there was something that we did to upset them, we wished they'd have told us. They did not respond and we have had no contact since then. I know that she has since told a mutual friend that yes, she was off with me at the birthday party but wouldn't say why, but that she did not mean that they never wanted to see us again and I misunderstood.

I still feel sad about the loss of this friendship. I think that maybe I over-reacted (well, I'm pretty sure I have and probably shouldn't have sent that email but I was feeling really hurt). However, I also can't help thinking that if things were the other way around and my best friend misunderstood me to such an extent, I'd have let her know and tried to talk to her to resolve the misunderstanding! So, AIBU to consider making contact with N again to see if anything can be salvaged of this friendship?

Um, I don't think you overreacted.

On the one hand, I would struggle to let this lie as I'd be desperate to know why, but on a more grown up level, do you really want this person in your life?

You say you have to do all the chasing, she was unsupportive when you had PND and most of all she is capable of just cutting her closest friends out of her life without explanation.

I can understand your temptation, but if you do it, please tread carefully.

I don't think making contact again would be beneficial- It sounds like you did all you could at the time to try and save the friendship and they weren't interested.

Sorry, I don't think that was the answer you wanted to hear, was it?

Well I'm sure it's very sad and I don't suppose you are over-reacting but I do find it so odd that this whole business has been conducted by text. Really? Why on earth wouldn't you pick up the phone and TALK to a good friend? Honestly - if someone I considered a good friend wanted to discuss serious friendship issues by text I would assume that the friendship was in fact nothing more than an acquaintanceship.

Thank you for your responses. I did try to talk to her by phone and called, but she wouldn't answer so hence the texting and then email. One of my friends suggested I go around to hers, but that seemed like quite an intrusive thing to do so I didn't. Maybe I should have waited and called again to try and talk, but I was upset so fired off that email. I know that it's not the best course of action to do something when feeling so emotional... lesson learned I guess.

I'd leave it.

You may or may not have done something wrong. They are not going to discuss whatever it is with you so there is nothing you can do about it. And I don't think I'd bother with people who thought so little of me that they didn't want to give me a chance to sort out the issue.

She wasn't there for you when you needed her either.

So apart from the fact I would be desperate to find out why, I'd walk away.

This level of pettiness (from her) would have made me not want to see her ever again a long time ago. Reminds me of my "friends" when I was 12/14... I'd have hoped most people grow out of that type of behaviour when they're adults!

I mean really, obviously being "off" with you without wanting to tell you why so you can actually talk it out or do something about it? What did she really want, for you to beg for her friendship back? Argh!

You're well rid of her, I think, although the way she has treated you must have been very confusing and hurtful...

I don't think you overreacted. In your place I think I'd have done the same. Perhaps you should just leave it, or at send a final email saying you're sorry you've grown apart and asking why she distanced herself. Of no replay then leave it as you've done all you can.

You say it started after you had your DD, does she have DC? If not is it possible she's been TTC and not been able to and hasn't felt able to discuss it? If so it could be hard for her to be around your DD.

TBH though if this were the case and you were as good friends as your OP suggests I'd have thought shed have felt able to tell you. Perhaps not though as she may be too shy / find it too painful to bring it up.

I would say that since it all started around the birth of your DD that is the cause. I would say that she wants children and it isn't happening and she can't take being around yours- therefore she has cooled it and can't take things like your DDs birthday parties.
Even though you are a best friend it is very difficult to admit to the problem because she knows that she ought to be happy for you. She probably would be dismissive if you have PMT and she can't even have the child.
I would just contact her once more, say that you are very sorry that you are not the friends you were, you value your friendship and you will be happy to hear from her when she is ready.
The only other avenue is to get you DH to chat to her DP and see if he can explain it.
(I could be completely wrong of course- maybe she just doesn't find you the same with a child and it is a natural parting of the ways)

I agree with exotic and crazy give her some time, space and send some sticky baby dust and you might find yourselves wandering the shops looking at kiddies clothes. Or maybe she doesn't want dc and finds it hard being into your new life. Unfortunately although your child's first birthday is such a milestone for you, it's not for others. I would keep sending birthday, christmas cards etc. Suggest occasional child free nights out 'like the old days' with babysitter if you want to go as a couple. Also get yourself out to parent & toddler groups, make new friends then you won't miss her so much. From what she said 'maybe one day she'd talk about it' there is something in her life that she needs to work out before things get back to normal.

its an awful feeling chasing after a friend who doesn't reciprocate - as well as the loss its a blow to your pride which I think only gets worse the more you do it. You've done what you reasonably can to find out the problem & I think all you can do is leave it, hard though that is. I'm afraid that at some level your distress is feeding her behavior - withdraw that oxygen and her behavior will gradually reveal itself to her and others as petty & actually a bit pointless. Whatever the reason is, it can't be that big, otherwise you would already know about it.

TTC was the first thing i thought it could be, but it could also be that people change when they have children. If maybe she doesn't want children she just might not be interested in your daughter and thinks she will cool it till your children are older and then maybe you will be freer.

I would email again to say the door is always open and you are sorry she feels she can't talk to you at the moment. Did she ever chat about having children in the future?

Course it could be nothing to do with babies!

englishbreakfast I really wouldn't make any more effort with her,I am in exactly the same situation as you with someone I classed as a very good friend.
She became very distant during my pregnancy,despite saying how great it would be all going out together,she was very excited at the start and this then turned very cool.
During my year off work she visited me once,and even that was her responding to another friend coming to see me.I told her how lonely I was and that I needed my friends but she told me how busy work and family was.
After I returned to work she rarely contacted me so I just stopped bothering,I asked her a number of times if she was ok,had I offended her etc but always an excuse from her.
She continued to see another friend of mine so this proved her issue was with me,if we attended work events together she would previously phone so we could meet and get the tube together etc but again this all stopped.
Numerous other hurtful things including not coming to my dts first birthday,not even putting their names in Xmas cards,last Xmas we didn't even exchange cards.
Last straw was about a month ago,I conducted a very serious investigation into one of her employees at her request,I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do and her line manager also suggested I did it,I spent some of my own money on postage and then expected she would reimburse me,has she?of course not,she has sent me numerous messages telling me if I want the money I need to collect it-she owes me £4,this should have been paid out from her work site,not even from her own pocket and the cost of me going in petrol and parking would outweigh the value of the money that SHE OWES ME!!!
I have decided not to make or respond to her again,a friend would never ever treat me like that,and a friend would never ever treat you like that.
It is painful isn't it?you are left in limbo wondering what you did,personally I know I didn't 'do' anything,and think she us jealous of my stable relationship and I think getting pregnant was too much for her,when she found out it was twins she seemed to retreat even more.
You sound like a good friend,don't waste it on her,I have supported my friend through a lot but the time I needed her she basically dumped me and I have never managed to get my friend back,and now tbh I dont really care what happens in her life,the energy it uses up getting upset is distracting me from my children who are far more important.
Let it go,and let her get on with her life,you have done your bit,enjoy your family without this added stress.

Just posting briefly as getting ready for work, but wanted to say thank you for everyone's responses and opinions. I did think that us having DD may have something to do with it. They haven't got DC, at some point she was saying she wanted to, but her DP didn't and financially they weren't ready, and then she also was saying she didn't want DC so I don't know, maybe there is an issue there. It's been several months since loss of contact so while I'm still very keen to find out what caused it, I should probably leave alone as if she cared about me, she'd have been in touch to explain the misunderstanding or whatever it was....x

Yes,exactly she would have got in contact with you,she knows how to.
I think the loss of a friend can be like a relationship breakup,certainly I feel more pain over losing my friend than breaking up with some boyfriends I have previously had.I think because of the things we shared,we went on holiday,told each other everything etc.
Lesson learned,even after years you don't know the real person.I would have trusted my friend with anything,now I realise my trust was very misguided.
The fact that you are still wondering about contacting her shows that you are a good person who cares for their friend,but she has shown her true colours,and they aren't pretty are they?
My 'friend' has lost any support from me as I'm not wasting any more of my life chasing people that don't give a shit!
That is my new mantra,so if people say they want to meet up,great,but if I try and arrange it but get blown out a few times then fine,I will leave it with you as I'm not chasing!

There is a reason why you drifted apart, she does not sound very nice and I would keep that friendship in te past where it belongs

Maybe it's not you but your DH that's done something? Thought I'd throw that one in?

Exactly op she does not sound like a good friend to keep, I would not want to,b friends with someone who treated me lie that and thought so littl o me. You never know what's round the corner you might meet some reall nice friends in the future

As others have said - If you were important to her, she would have wanted to tell you what it was that was bothering her so it could be resolved. It almost sounds like she wants you to worry about what the problem could be, which is really not very nice. Definitely sounds like jealousy.

It's SO hard to let a long term friend go and in some ways feels almost as bad as a relationship break up, so I understand your predicament, but you have to see that you are putting in so many more hours worrying about this than she is? You will make (or perhaps already have) other friends that will treat you better.

I think we forget that friends are meant for support, to have fun with and enrich our lives, not drag us down. Friendships shouldn't be effort.

You've given them the option to explain, and the not knowing must be driving you mad, but don't badger them further.

It might be nothing you did, it may be a flippant remark touched a nerve, it may not be anything to do with you, it could be that if depression is the factor here, that there's something about your live that makes them feel worse? (Clutching at straws).

Much as it's difficult you need to stop wondering what you did and try to put it to the back of your mind.

It may be that one day the friendship could be rekindled, but they would have to make the first move, and you can then face a choice of whether to forgive and forget or not.

Chin up. Been there, it's tough.

I would not make contact again as she has made herself very clear. You have tried to clear the air a few times but she is not interested and I think you need to accept that hard as it may be.

Why would you want to rekindle a friendship with someone who treated you so badly and cut you out without an explanation?

I can understand "for old times sake" but if that wasn't enough for her not to treat you badly, then its not enough for you to be friends again, seriously.

I wouldn't bother. If the friendship were resurrected you'd be tiptoeing around, frightened of 'upsetting' her. She sounds unreasonable, not you.

Thank you, everyone, for your advise. I see the consensus is to let it go. It's just I saw a mutual friend recently and she mentioned some news about N & her DP, and it still hurt that we are not part of their lives any more. My DH is very unoffensive utterlyslutterly :), but N is very sensitive, so it may well be something I've said that upset her as I'm quite straight talking (but always try to be diplomatic and not cause offense), but as she didn't want to tell me, I can't rectify any upset I may have caused her. It's the not knowing part and the fact they've let us and the friendship go so easily...x

If she told you, would you really be willing to listen and understand? Would you jump in argumentatively and defensively or would you genuinely try to see her point of view without interrupting etc? It sounds like she might be afraid of trying to talk to you as she feels it may not lead to a resolution.

I don't think she'd be afraid to tell me Elquota, I'm not straight talking in a sense of being offensive, I'm mindful of how what I say might affect others. I give my opinion if I'm asked for it, but I'm not confrontational or stubborn about it, and try to understand (even if not always agree with) the other person's point of view. We've been through a lot together and I thought we knew each other very well and were able to talk about things that bothered us, but as someone said earlier, you can probably never REALLY know another person. I did ask her if I'd done anything to upset her but she said no, so I have to take that at face value.