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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you want children, but fiance doesn't you are asking for trouble getting married without resolving first?

44 replies

YellowCanary1 · 01/07/2013 17:40

Some very good friends of ours getting married this year. I am particularly good friends with him and have been since childhood. He has always wanted children for as long as I can remember, his fiancé has always been open and honest, and is adamant that she doesn't.
They've been together for 11 years and up until 2 years ago she was also adamant that she would never marry. When talking to him today he confessed that because she changed her mind about marriage, he thinks once they are married she will change it about children. I said that I thought if he marries her it has to be on the basis of how she feels now not on a hope she'll change her mind. He is convinced she'll come around and is marrying her based on that. She thinks he has accepted she doesn't want children and is happy with that.
AIBU to think this is a potential recipe for disaster and to be very worried they may both be heading for a lot of hurt. I know it isn't my place to get involved but I also feel awful standing by and watching two people I love in this situation.

OP posts:

josiejay · 01/07/2013 19:50

YANBU. This scenario has happened with a few couples I know and always ended badly. You can't interfere but you can strongly encourage your friend to talk honestly with his fiancée before they get married.

BABaracus · 01/07/2013 23:15

I also knew a couple in a similar situation. They broke up for a few months then got back together on the understanding that they would try for a baby. They now have a lovely DC. I know he would like more but she won't agree to that. It might work out for your friends too but honestly, I think the odds are against them.

messalina · 01/07/2013 23:24

what about couples who get married thinking they both want children or don't want children and marry each other on that basis...and then change their mind? Getting married doesn't mean you are 100% committed to having children if that is what you loosely agreed before you had the ceremony. I think if one part of the couple is absolutely adamant and has been for years and they are of suitable maturity then probably their declaration that they don't want children should be taken seriously. So in this particular case, it doesn't look good, but I don't think people should be absolutely held to having children just because they said they wanted them before they got married. Things change, people change and that position seems rather inflexible.

treaclesoda · 01/07/2013 23:48

In theory I would say yanbu but that would make me a hypocrite because I was in a similar situation when I got married, but the thought of splitting up from him was more painful than the fear of never having children. We did have children in the end and I didn't force him into it, so people can and do change their minds. But its certainly not a situation I would recommend, it is best avoided.

All you can do is be a good friend and be there for them if it doesn't work out whilst hoping that it does.

missingmumxox · 02/07/2013 00:40

up until i met my Dh I was not really anti children or marriage, just could not see what they would add to the fab life I was having anyway, met Dh and he added to my life, so children who did not materialise was not an issue but then was ended up having IVF after realising I had gone 5 years without contraception and yes that is possible, forgot to tke when my Mum was dying, thought what the hay! became a carer for my Dad and didn't have time to check back into my life for 5 years.

because I realised marriage had never hit my radar until DH I decided Children could be the same, and I am a real suck it and see type of person and pissed off the clinic royally as I wasn't actually that arsed if it worked or not, turned up for both egg implantations with the hangover from hell, first because it was the day after my 33 birthday second because it had taken 2 days from harvest to implantation first time, so I planned a blow out that time a full 48 hours before, loads of friends invited, rude not to, to get the call the next day! that one! we where doubly successful that time.

I would say I love my children with a vengeance, they make me sooooo happy, but I will be honest I think they are the cherry and a generous load of chocolate on the top of an amazing cake, if they where not in my life I would still have an amazing cake, but with the extras I am not willing to share a slice with anybody else with my time, my extra slices are all for me and Dh, hand off they are delish :)

So lives can change but I was ambivalent, sound like the lady in question is against, but really you don't know what she really thinks, but if she really does not want children then it could be a mess.

I have loads of intentionally childless friends (modern hippies not wanting to drain the planet, some materialistic and some not interested, they are all happy and to be honest I find them happier than those of us with children, not that we are unhappy just we have stresses they don't, I love my childless friends they keep us sane and all make allowances for us, and pour attention that only people without children, can on children.

it may work for them either way, if there is love they might be a way, all you can do as a friend is be there for them and support when needed.

GoshAnneGorilla · 02/07/2013 00:47

YANBU, but there is nothing you can do.

lessonsintightropes · 02/07/2013 00:48

My DH doesn't want kids but has agreed to TTC. Behind that bald statement is a lot of work and a lot of hurt and a lot of love, none of which we'd share with other people. I laud and love your care, OP, for the couple you're posting about, but think that it's down to them and how they deal with it. One of our most bonding moments came from some interfering friends who didn't realise how inappropriate some of their questions were. Things like this are sometimes private - I have no intention of talking about TTC with my sister who is my closest friend - but I realise others are different. They might be trying but not wanting to share it; one of the reasons we don't is because my darling cousin had a stillborn girl at 7.5 months. So my family is circumspect about these things.

TheRealFellatio · 02/07/2013 05:34

YANBU. Utter madness.

resipsa · 02/07/2013 07:49

YANBU, can't get involved but shouldn't despair. DH and I have been together since 97, agreed no kids years ago, he changed his mind, I didn't then did. Now have DD(2) with another to follow, I hope. People and their ideas change, even about the fundamentals

Curioustiger · 02/07/2013 08:12

People do change their mind and at least it is the man in the couple who wants children... He has longer, biologically, to find the right partner and settle down. However I agree with all previous posters who think it's a recipe for heartache. YANBU

samandi · 02/07/2013 09:29

Why on earth would you stay with someone for 11 years when you have such different outlooks ... YANBU, it sounds daft.

breatheslowly · 02/07/2013 09:58

I wouldn't have been happy to marry someone who didn't want children, however it can work out. My father didn't want children, but clearly changed his mind and is a wonderful father and grandfather. On the otherhand I know a man who didn't want children and had them on the basis that his wife did all of the work for the children. The have since divorced and I am fairly confident that the children know that he didn't want them which I find very sad. I'm not sure if there is a difference to how it turns out if the woman doesn't want children rather than the man.

EatingAllTheCrumpets · 02/07/2013 10:46

Whilst I sympathise that you want the best for your friend it really isn't your place to get involved. She may never want kids and all might end in disappointment. Or it may not.
I have never ever ever wanted kids. If you asked me 5 years ago I'd have poked your eyes out for asking. I was very prepared to be child free all my life, I'd made plans for it. I wanted a boat, to retire at 50 and never have to deal with smelly nappies and screaming children

My DH did want kids, always wanted kids. Wanted the chance to be the father he never was. He still married a child hater like me as he felt he was prepared to be child free as long as we were happy. We got married 3 years ago, and the baby questions had dried up by then, everyone knew we weren't having kids.

About 6 months ago walking around homebase with DH and I suddenly realised I would like kids. 2 of the buggers to be honest!
Once our ducks are in a row we're going to give it a go

There is always the chance she may change get mind, after all she changed her mind about marriage.

All you can do is be there for them and encourage them to be open with each other.

nenevomito · 02/07/2013 10:49

She won't change her mind and its a recipe for disaster, but you can't change it.

KitchenDiscoDancer · 02/07/2013 11:05

Hmm tricky, my sister was married to a man who desperately wanted children and she didn't. I sat her down per-wedding and said that hey really should talk about it, he thought she would change her mind. They never did talk about it and eventually my sister half-heatedly ttc with him. Nothing happened, they stopped and both started to resent each other leading to divorce. He immediately met someone else and had a child with her. My sis still has no children and no desire for them either (but is an amazing aunt).

Crinkle77 · 02/07/2013 11:09

It does not always a recipe for disaster. A couple I know were in the same situation. He wanted children, she didn't but in the end they reached a compromise that she would go back to work and that he would go part time and look after the baby. It seems to have worked for them and she is now very happy with her little girl.

AndHarry · 02/07/2013 11:17

:) crumpets. Best of luck!

YANBU OP and I think your friend is being incredibly selfish by trying to trick his fiancée into marrying him

IamMrsElf · 02/07/2013 11:49

YANBU. This is a tricky one. I agree with others above that you can't really say anything, unless it's brought up again and then encourage him again to be truly honest with her.

I do have a friend, she did not want DC, he did. They got married. Over time he became used to their lifestyle and freedom. She decided in her mid 30s that she did want DCs and by this time he did not. She had to do a lot of arm twisting before he agreed. She is not a mumsy mum and has gone straight back to work and the DC seems to be left alone whilst they carry on with their lives as normal. Sometimes it is best to go with your gut feeling. Your friend may find that his DW is not the mother he hopes for.

badfaketan · 02/07/2013 20:31

YANBU ,can understand why you want to look out for your friend though.
When I read the title I thought it was almost certainly about a woman who did and a man who didn't.
As it's the other way round once she's in her 40's,if she still hasn't changed her mind at least he's got an answer and still will be able to have children with someone else.No doubt that would be really painful for all involved and probably better not to get married in the first place.
People do change their minds though.My friend's (slightly older)husband was convinced he did not want children with his first wife and left when both in 40s but now has a daughter and would like another.

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