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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you want children, but fiance doesn't you are asking for trouble getting married without resolving first?

44 replies

YellowCanary1 · 01/07/2013 17:40

Some very good friends of ours getting married this year. I am particularly good friends with him and have been since childhood. He has always wanted children for as long as I can remember, his fiancé has always been open and honest, and is adamant that she doesn't.
They've been together for 11 years and up until 2 years ago she was also adamant that she would never marry. When talking to him today he confessed that because she changed her mind about marriage, he thinks once they are married she will change it about children. I said that I thought if he marries her it has to be on the basis of how she feels now not on a hope she'll change her mind. He is convinced she'll come around and is marrying her based on that. She thinks he has accepted she doesn't want children and is happy with that.
AIBU to think this is a potential recipe for disaster and to be very worried they may both be heading for a lot of hurt. I know it isn't my place to get involved but I also feel awful standing by and watching two people I love in this situation.

OP posts:
TVTonight · 01/07/2013 17:41

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SantanaLopez · 01/07/2013 17:41

Don't get involved!

but YANBU.

MalenkyRusskyDrakonchik · 01/07/2013 17:43

Oh, that's so difficult.

I think you're absolutely right it's potentially very upsetting, but it's their decision. It sounds as if they have both told each other how they feel, so I'm not sure what else can be done.

squoosh · 01/07/2013 17:46

YANBU.

Nothing you can do though other than the advice you've already given him. When you love someone so much it's easy to push doubts to the background rather than face them head on.

Lottapianos · 01/07/2013 17:50

YANBU. You are also right about not getting involved. You have given him good advice, I think you have to leave him to it unless he asks your advice again. Loads of sympathy for you - it's bloody horrible when you think a friend is making a mistake and you can't do anything about it.

Carmencarmen · 01/07/2013 17:53

This exact situation happened to a friend of mine except it was the woman who wanted children and she gave the exact same reasons, she'd persuaded him to marry so he'd change his mind about children- it was 10 years together before marriage then 10 years of marriage and now divorced. She kicks herself for wasting 20 years of her life waiting for someone to change their mind. She's now 44 and feels she's missed the boat.
Not sure what advice to give but maybe try to talk to him gently about what life would be like without kids- would he be happy? Not an easy situation to be in

CloudsAndTrees · 01/07/2013 17:55

YANBU.

It will not have a pretty ending.

carolthesecretary · 01/07/2013 18:04

I very much doubt she will change her mind but I wouldn't get involved. It's his life. People have to live their lives as they see fit.

Tee2072 · 01/07/2013 18:16

Total recipe for disaster but do not get involved.

Just be there when it all falls apart.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2013 18:18

That's not rocket science.

Scholes34 · 01/07/2013 18:21

YANBU - this is exactly the reason why Brenda finished with Tom.

Vinomcstephens · 01/07/2013 18:23

Just out of interest, does she know that he's marrying her thinking he can change her mind? In your OP you say she thinks he's accepted she doesn't want children - is she ignorant of what he thinks?

I agree with not getting involved....but part of me thinks, if she's not aware of his true thoughts that she should be told, otherwise she's entering into the marriage in good faith - when in reality it's all going to potentially fall apart around her. Such a difficult one!

DrSeuss · 01/07/2013 18:24

A friend had never wanted children but told his fiancé he did as he really wanted to marry her. Ten years in, no kids, he won't even discuss having them, she feels betrayed.

Viviennemary · 01/07/2013 18:28

It sounds a recipe for disaster. But there is not a lot you can do except be supportive to your friend.

Original poster
YellowCanary1 · 01/07/2013 18:30

That's the issue Vinomcstephens, sorry if I wasn't clear, she is ignorant of his belief that he'll change his mind. I tried to encourage him to be honest but he just smiles and says it'll all be ok and work out, and you can't push her into anything. He thinks he has to make her feel that having children is her idea!

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 01/07/2013 18:37

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ChewingOnLifesGristle · 01/07/2013 18:39

Yanbu but having said that you mention they've already been together for 11 years. I guess if it was going to be a major issue it would've bobbed to the surface by now (unless they got together vv young).

Actually, yes I'd stay out of it.

I do know a couple who had polar opposite ideas on chidren and they did split, but they weren't together so long as this.

EmmelineGoulden · 01/07/2013 18:42

I think it depends.

I have several friends who weren't on the same page in regards to children, but knew that staying together was more important to them. One couple have a child now and are still together and happy, two others don't and (given their ages) are now unlikely to; they've stayed together too. Other friends have been married, had planned DCs and got divorced since then. Others have married and got divorced without DCs involved. Still others have married, were on the same page and are still together. I'm just trying to say - you don't know how these things will go, it isn't automatic that they'll be better off being in agreement before marriage - people change their minds all the time anyway...

I think the fact my friends were committed to being together, and that was much more important to each of them than having/not having children was, is the key that made their relationships work. It wasn't a matter of one of them seeing DCs as essential and a spouse as a route to that. If he is really thinking she'll change her mind and, if she doesn't, he knows he'll end up leaving her and looking for someone else, then I think that's terrible. If he hopes he'll be able to change her mind but will stay with her if he can't because most of all he wants to be with her, then that's probably quite a good basis.

Regardless, as others have said - stay out!

Original poster
YellowCanary1 · 01/07/2013 18:44

Agree I need to stay out but just worried. They got together at 18, so not that old.

OP posts:
MerylStrop · 01/07/2013 18:47

YANBU
but mind your own etc
this is a long and mature relationship, they probably know each others minds better than you think

timidviper · 01/07/2013 18:47

In theory YANBU but when DH and I got married he knew he wanted children but I really didn't think I did, five years down the line I changed my mind and DS came along shortly after so he may be right after all. Although he is your friend this really isn't any of your business and if you say anything they will, probably, both hate you for it. I think you have to just support him whatever happens

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 01/07/2013 18:47

They have had 11 years to be straight with one another, communicate properly, and respect one another 's life choices. There's no saving some people from the car crashes of their own making. YANBU but remember there's little if anything you can do.

edwinbear · 01/07/2013 19:27

YANBU. Dh and I married in the knowledge that I wanted kids and he didn't. We have 2 beautiful dc and he is a great dad, but he is very angry with me for pushing him into it and it has had a very negative impact on our relationship.

specialsubject · 01/07/2013 19:32

the fact that he talks to you about such an important issue, not her, does not bode well.

this needs to be discussed NOW. Not liking the answer isn't going to change it.

megsmouse · 01/07/2013 19:42

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