To not want a church wedding to keep the peace

[Cheeseatmidnight]

Just that really! A little pressure from in laws but I am not religious and although they say everyone lies and marries in church for the 'church wedding' dream I am not really prepared to.

I don't mind what other people do but it makes me uncomfortable. I err heavily toward the pagan, Buddhism type religions and would like a wedding which is non religious as I do not practice anything.

Am I being too analytical here? Should I just go with it?

No, I wouldn't.

No.

You're the one getting married. Discuss with to be h and decide together, but don't do a church wedding if it's not what you want.

Yanbu, your wedding should be what you and your df want.

It's your wedding. Do what you want!

Well if you're paying for it yourself you should do whatever the hell you want. If in laws are contributing a lot it may be less clear cut.

Don't do it to please your ils. First the wedding. Then you'll be compromising on your views on everything from childcare to where to go on holiday.

YANBU.

If they are religious, perhaps the vicar can say a prayer for you, in your absence.

Make whatever you do a joint decision between you and DP. It's his wedding too.

But be clear it is your joint wedding and not the ILS'.

Unless it us an arranged one between families....which doesn't sound likely.

Thanks all! Dp is happy for no church but he is more likely to just go along with it. He has said that he is happy for somewhere else, doesn't overly bother him.

Re pagan and Buddhist religions, I like parts of both is what I meant really, have always been interested in both.

If you do this to please your in laws now, how far is this going to go.

Why aren't THEY compromising to keep the peace?

This isn't about the wedding; this is about how your relationship with your ILs goes in future full stop.

Agreed, I need to do this for us.

Sorry to drip feed, mil is paying 100% hence my guilt

Why do your inlaws want you to make wedding vows you don't mean? Point out that it is a matter of conscience and you intend to take your marriage very seriously. You are starting as you mean to go on by making solemn promises that you intend to keep for the rest of your life.

A church isn't just a building. It's disrespectful to the institution and the congregation to treat it as just a pretty venue.

That's the line I'd take...

Is it a gift or a way of controlling you?

If its the later, don't take the money. There are ways to have a magical wedding on a shoe string with a little bit of imagination.

Again, is the money going to be used in the future as a way to manipulate you?

NEVER feel guilty over money.

Sounds like they are offering to pay so they have some control.

How much do you want the whole meringue dress dream? If you aren't bothered, and your DH isn't bothered then just book a Registry Office wedding ( there are some picturesque ones about ) and book a local pub/ restaurant for a family party ( which will cost you less than booking it for a wedding).

Work out who you really want there and just invite them, you don't want to look at your wedding photos in ten years time and realise that you only saw half the guests more than once since the wedding.

Or elope.

Seriously do what you both want to do and not what others want you both to do! The only things me and dh regret about our wedding is the things we agreed to as to keep others (mil) happy! We don't even see mil now but she made a fuss over a few things we just agreed but wish we hasn't now!.....4yrs later we still think about the things we 'gave in' to!

I got married in a church but it was deconsecrated. We had a humanist ceremony. It was fantastic.

Don't get married in a proper church if you're not religious. Not all people do it, only hypocrites do.

Find a beautiful venue and get a humanist celebrant and have whatever the hell you and your dp like. Then do the paperwork bit with a quick registry office do with two witnesses.

Echo everyone else - it's your wedding, you have it where you want!

They are of the opinion 'we pay,we say'.

Don't let them pay.If you do let them pay,and go against their control plans,you will be starting a long simmering grudge.

It's difficult. Why get married in a church if you don't believe...
However if the ils are paying, it's fair enough that they have a say. I'm Christian and if my dcs get married and we're paying, I'd expect it to be a church wedding. However it doesn't sound as if they're that observant and only want the venue for show.
Pay for it yourself and have it where you want!

So are the IL's religious? Or do they just expect you to lie like everyone else? I find this a fairly shocking statement for them to make. It is hard though when they are paying. I would suggest you pay for the ceremony and venue yourselves.

Ha ha we really aren't bothered about the meringue dress dream, we just want what we want. She has offered stately home reception too but it's just not us.

Thank you for the support on this, I have friends who would compromise anything for the money

Yes it is just for show, convenience Christianity, it fits when they want it to. Dp is similar really, likes the idea but the faith isn't important.

He says he doesn't care and wants to elope and get married by a dodgy elvis in Vegas! Yeehaa to that!

I think we will pay - wedding in a field with a hog roast