Daughter lying, worried...

[JeeanieYuss]

Ok, seems all I do is call upon MN when I'm having a crisis!

Basically in brief as I have to go out soon, have a 10 year old dd, shes been through alot with me, d.v and I had issues with drugs when she was younger.

Acts way to old for her age and has started puberty, needs deo, bra, getting spots etc etc.

Anyway, still thought she was half innocent and childlike but a cpl of weeks ago (shes banned from comp e3tc for lying and being sneaky) trying to log onto a fb account and twitter, I stupidly assumed she wasn't up to anything dodgy (thought she was just being a bit sneaky n pushing her luck).

Fast forward to today, have accessed her Twitter account (that I had no idea existed) and she has been talking to men saying she's 15/17, liking porn pages?, basically doing anything a 10 year old shouldn't be doing.

I am devastated, she's always been mature for her age, guess she had to be because of some of the stuff we have been through, but we are from a respectable family, my sis is a Social Worker, always had good influences around her.

I just thought she was hitting the pre teen years with a bang with her attitude etc, but she is swearing on their , talking to some man about boners.

My first thought was groomers but she has no pic of her up (some other poor girls pic!) and she has lied about her age so technically they wouldn't think she is ten.

What do I do?

Counsellor, school? I feel sick and can't even look at her I'm so embaressed. I was abused when I was younger but have always tried to be open with her about sex etc and thought we had a good relationship but this has blown me out of the water : (

Help ...

When i realised she was trying to access these accounts a cpl of weeks ago she had a total block form comp and I spoke to her and thought it was resolved, stupidly!

She still plays her 'Pou' game fgs, which you have to feed your pou else it dies, what a leap from that to this.

Computer downstairs and used under supervision only with parental 'lock' for the pages you don't want her to see. That's a first step. Ditto her phone if she has one.

She's old enough to know that she shouldn't be doing these things and needs to know - and feel - the boundaries very firmly. Whatever she has gone through with you, she is the child, you're the parent and she needs to be kept safe. It sounds as if she's testing, pushing and seeing how far she can go. That way lies a heap of pain and trouble if you don't step in.

Talk to her and ask what is going on with her. She may or may not tell you but tell her that you love her and will do whatever it takes to keep her safe even if she doesn't like what that entails.

Speak to the school? Her teacher? Ask about counselling? All things that you could look into.

... and breathe. Many of us have gone through - or will go through - this kind of thing at some point. Do your best for her, it's obvious that she's your absolute priority so you really are acting in her interests. Good luck.

If the computer is hers, take it away permanently. Ditto phone if she has one.
If the computer is yours, turn off wifi/broadband so she has no access to the Internet at all.
If you know her login details, cancel all her accounts.
I would probably talk to school and see what they suggest.

Definitely access the school counselling service- behaving this way is a massive red flag and you need to uncover why she's behaving like this.

I hate to say it, but in my prof training we're told this is a sign that a child may have been exposed to sexual image/activities- is that a possibility?

So sorry you're going through this.

I don't have any advice but would follow lying and deadly's advice. Just wanted to wish you best of luck.

Shes been looking at it online LittleT, it's not from home, it's only us here and her younger sisters.

It's my laptop, she's already had her phone confisctated months ago as she kept breaking them! Which proved to me she wasn't mature enough for one (let alone 3, only 1 expensive one and 2 cheap ones, she used to catch school bus so was for safety but doesn't catch it anymore so not so much need).

I went up before I wrote this and kept calm but said I will be getting to the bottom of this and why had she been doing this, she just kept denying it , saying she doesn't know what I am on about and to go away.

She's meant to be camping at a friends tonight, I don't know whether to let her go or not (a younger innocent friend I may add, well I think so anyway, hell, what do I know!).

Thanks everyone.

My first instinct on reading Deadlydonkeys advice was that now allowing any internet at all will only push her into being even more sneaky, which is not what you want. It is very worrying behaviour for a 10 yr old. I do agree you need to take charge. If she has internet access on a phone i would def. take the phone away. And use the parental controls on the computer and have it in a visible place. She needs to earn your trust now. Have you spoken to her about it? She almost certainly doesn't realise what shes doing does she? If you are able to have a reasonable conversation with her about it i would say that you need to ask her why shes doing it and what she expects to happen? I would also post on any accounts she has that she is 10 .....just in case shes made any further contact with people. Good luck.

The wi-fi on laptop hasn't worked since I had to get it fixed so I shall remove yellow lead from router when ever I am not around. Think even her Dsi will have to go as some stuff on Twitter mentioned that, didn't even realise you could do stuff like chat on Twitter form a Dsi.

Am going to go and talk to her now and tell her I love her but it is going to stop and that something has to be done, i.e counsellor/whatever.

Wish me luck, I'm so embarassed to look at her : (

Windows family security settings are really good. You can limit times, block sites etc and you get a report once a week which details exactly what they've been up to (even their google searches etc.)

Echo what others say -laptop downstairs, no passwords etc.

My DS (13) lost my trust over sneaky behaviour last year (fb and twitter accounts without asking, skyping when he was supposed to be in bed, COD on xbox etc.) It took me a v long time to start trusting him again and I've become a real monster at monitoring his every move!

Wow i didn't know you could do that on windows. Excellent suggestion. And a good way for her to earn your trust.

I wouldn't let her go tonight, OP. She's broken your trust and needs to know that it has consequences.

I would also start meeting her bus or collecting her from school, if necessary.

Your daughter needs to work to regain your trust and it's important also that her younger siblings see that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

Now, who amongst family and friends can you rope in to help you with 'DD monitoring'? They will also be a solid support to you and hopefully demonstrate a united front to your errant DD.

Hope the talk is going well; if it doesn't - leave it a bit and then have another one. YOU get to decide when you've made your point, not your DD. Take your time and don't be afraid to take a step back to regroup your thoughts. Proper intervention now will save you a great deal of trouble n the long run.

Good luck!

I think you need to find out where this has come from. I'm sure there is someone in her social circle who is encouraging her. Older cousins? Someone at school with older siblings? I just can't imagine a 10 yr old, no matter how physically developed, waking up one morning and deciding to set up a twitter acct with a false photo.

Yes - talk to the school. I'm sure you don't need telling, but this isn't just being sneaky but there is something very serious in the background here.

That is very sexualised behaviour for a 10 year old,and I'd see it as a major red flag.I think you (and she) need outside help for this....you've said a few times you're too embarrassed to look at her??If she has been exposed to any sort of abusive grooming,that really isn't the attitude she needs to help her open up.

You say your sister is a social worker,what does she advise?

If you have a Bt. router you can block the DSi on it through the settings on the computer so she can still use the DS, just not go online with it (had to this when my then 14 yr old was sitting up to 3am playing Xbox live).

I had big issues with him and honesty, and he has been living me through DA and it's aftermath. We had an amazing children's worker, who has made a huge difference, just by giving him someone else to talk to who isn't his parent. I would see if school have a councelling service, or if they can point you in the direction of someone who can help.

I meant by looking at her as I'm in total shock and it's not like looking at my little girl anymore...

My sister is on holiday atm, back tommorow so I shall talk to her then.

So, some good news, I have gone through all the messages again and the 'man' is actually a school boy on closer inspection of his twitter page (I don't use it so wasn't sure how to get on it at first through the direct messages bit).
So even though not great he doesn't appear to be over 14/15 I'd say, I have sent a message saying that my friend doesn't believe how old he is so can he tell her to prove it ( I posted as my daughter), so hopefully I shall find out. I'm just so relieved it wasn't an older man.

She swears blind that the porn bit wasn't her and that her twitter got hacked , not sure I believe her and I shall still be speaking to the school so they can talk to her and all her friends about it, just in case any others are doing this.

Thanks for the advice Lying, I was calm when I spoke to her and told her I loved her and that I'm not angry just disapointed and feeling let down, but also worried, and that we will be getting to the bottom of this.

One more thing about the embarrassment factor, I was abused myself when I was younger.. I have been open with her about sex etc though and we have chats about anything she wants to know about and we've done basic sex ed ( which she is also doing at school atm), all about periods etc, her boobs growing, so it hasn't been an issue before, but for some reason it did make me embarrassed. Whether it's brought it all back for me I guess, I can't help my feelings though!

I'm sure it's just as embarrassing for her too, who would want to get caught out by there Mum. I'm just so glad I have and hopefully I can try and get some control back on the situation.

Thanks froggies we are with Sky. I have confiscated her Dsi now : )

That sounds good, she has been through alot and it would be good for her to let off steam else where I expect.

She is very clever which doesn't help, as she has an answer for everything and is very quick of the mark!

I a dreading when she is a teenager, lol... I know it's not funny , If I don't laugh I think I might cry...

Sky Though. *

Echo lyingwhitches post.

Op you are doing it all right. It is a bloody minefield and you arnt alone here. 10 is so young but puberty starts so soon now childhood ends quicker than ever.

Good luck.

I don't want to alarm you when you're obviously very upset already but I agree with LittleT in that it is not usual for a ten year old to seek out porn images or speak to older men like this unless she has been exposed to some inappropriate sexual content somewhere else.

Does anyone else look after her for you? Where does she go alone? Relatives? Friends? Does she play out or visit friends after school?

Even with sky you can make changes on the router. If you contact the IT department they will talk you through how to put restrictions on things like the ds etc... Also if you have xbox, ps, wii etc these can also access the net. You can put restrictions on them as well.

My first thought also after reading the op was that 10 is very young and who introduced her to this type of behaviour. Who is she mixing with to know but porn, sexual language etc?

My second thought was that you need to put a cap on it and get it sorted before she moves up,to senior school.

Have you looked at the Childline site. It has a lot of useful info on it.

All the best to you in sorting it out.

I comment about the way she seems to know too much because I have a 9 year old DD and she is SO far from that kind of behaviour that this is like something alien....her friends are mostly already ten and they're like her. The most daring thing they do is wave to people from the back seat of the car or shout "Woooo!" to passers by when they play in the garden.

They play on Moshi Monsters and stuff....but it's always heavily supervised. How on earth does your ten year old know this stuff? I am not suggesting you're to blame OP honestly...I just think you need to look hard at who she is spending time with.

But, OP, you don't know he's not an older man. It works both ways. If your 10 yr old can fool people into thinking she's 15/17 using a fake photo, why can't the 'boy' she's been talking to do the same? You've just pretended to be your daughter. And how will you know he's answering your question truthfully?

If there's one lesson your daughter needs to learn from this is not to trust what people say online. After all, she isn't who she was pretending to be.

Not sure what else to advise but wanted to add some support.

She's 11 in september so that is a bit of a difference from a 9 year old and she is in the yr5/6 class so with kids older than her at school... I'm sorry but most of the kids I know around our area are effing and blinding from about 5 ( no joke ) , she doesn't go out to play or go to local school, goes to a 'vair' middle class school with good morals and mostly nice kids!

Not saying what she has done is right, not in the slightest but kids grow up a heck of a lot quicker than they did in my day and isn't so easy to keep them innocent with all the outside influences.

It's ok I'm not taking offence Neo, like i said previously she's been through alot and had to grow up fast (not sexually obvs)...

V.good point about how he could be fooling her about his age!!

Thanks TheBody and Shagging : )

Thymeout, I've had the chat with her, in fact drummed it into her that you have to be so careful on the internet as nothing is as it seems, def time for another chat tommorow regarding that...

I shall speak to her again tommorow, last conversation she was still denying looking at the porn, so I said I can show you the links on the twitter page and she looked horrified and said she didn't want to see it either. I did notice on all the pms that she had been spamming everyone (had been hacked) and that twitter had asked her to reset password so maybe she is telling the truth.

I'm trying to look on the worse side but also the best side, earlier I was so panicked. Got my thoughts together now and am thinking more logically.

I could tell she was blatantly lying when denying twitter but wasn't so sure about the other..

Will update tommorow. Thanks to all