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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To judge these parents, even while trying to make excuses for them

41 replies

Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 15:21

My DD was in hospital last week. On her ward was a young boy, age 3. He was brought onto the ward at 2 o'clock by 3 nurses. He spoke no English. No sign of his parents. All day, no sign of any family. All night, no sign of anyone. He sobbed on and off all night, "Mama, mama, mama". I kept getting up and rubbing his back and he would go back to sleep for a while before starting again. He cried all morning, still "Mama, mama", we left at 12 o'clock, still no sign of any parents. Nurses were waiting for them, they had (apparently) gone out for a meal the night before and promised to come in early in the morning. Nurses ringing them, still hadn't left home by 11. He was gorgeous. He tried to climb into MY arms, but I was not allowed to pick him up - understandable rules, not blaming nurses at all. They had to pick up the pieces, reorder their rotas etc, so someone was with him exclusively. Poor little mite! I've tried to justify this by thinking "everyone needs a break at times", "maybe they hadn't been out for ages" etc. I have no idea how long he had been in hospital for, but I cannot imagine any situation, where there were two parents in a family, that would mean leaving a child of that age, distressed like that, without keeping the hospital informed. AIBU?

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 15:23

Would like to add that the nursing staff, doctors paramedics etc who dealt with us were absolutely outstanding, and we are so lucky to have people like them working in our NHS. A huge thank you to any such people on mumsnet!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/06/2013 15:24

Yanbu at all. So,their meal was far more important than thir little boy in hospital Sad, geese the mentality of some people. I would judge too

Sparklingbrook · 29/06/2013 15:25

YANBU, I would have been itching to comfort him. Maybe there were circumstances that meant they couldn't come in/transport etc?

ParadiseChick · 29/06/2013 15:25

You say they were apparently our for a meal. Why?

Thereonthestair · 29/06/2013 15:25

Please don't judge. I personally wouldn't have done it, but having known a few parents with very very very ill children in hospital for weeks on end sometimes the staff even tell you to treat them as the world's most experienced and expensive babysitters. When ds has been in hospitals for weeks I did once or twice do just that, once I knew he was fine as I would need my strength for when he was discharged,
.

secretscwirrels · 29/06/2013 15:27

Hope your DD is ok. Maybe there is more than you know about?
I was in hospital with DS1 16 years ago when he was a baby. A baby in the next bed was left alone much of the time because his single mum had 2 other children and not much help.
He cried all night while the nurses chatted at the nursing station. I was not allowed to pick him up.

HeySoulSister · 29/06/2013 15:29

Brought onto the ward from where?

Sparklingbrook · 29/06/2013 15:29

Ds2 had an Op at 5 weeks old and we ended up on a ward for babies with Heart problems as that was the only cot available.

Some parents lived a long way away, and didn't/couldn't visit every day.

It's such a shame you couldn't give him a cuddle.

Thereonthestair · 29/06/2013 15:29

I should add it's also common advice for parents when their babies are in nicu, when you may be in this for a very long haul. It s a very different experience is hospital can provide some respite for looking after seriously ill and disabled children.

I am not saying this was what was happening here, but until you know it wasn't try to give people the benefit of the doubt as it can be very hard caring for a seriously ill and disabled child with often little or no help.

Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 15:30

Paradisechick why what? I don't know why they were out for a meal, but that was what the nurses told each other during handover.

Thereonthestair I know that the nurses did their best, but he wasn't very well supervised tbh. They didn't have the staff to watch him every moment. He was bouncing on the bed at one point and I literally caught him as fell backwards over the side. I do understand why they might have needed a break, but 22 hours without anyone coming in at all seemed a long time, and as I said, the nurses were expecting them to show up any minute, for hours.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 29/06/2013 15:30

I felt guilty for leaving my ds in hospital last year.... Lone parent and 4 other dc so I was torn! He cried in the night too. The nurse told me she had been comforting him as he was worried about his arm and the next days op. but what could I do??

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/06/2013 15:31

It sounds awful :( but maybe help wasn't available so they could be with him. If their other children were sick they may not be allowed in to see them. There are also rules regarding number of visitors. Eg two at a time. If ones at work and there are two children both of which r to young to wait outside the doors alone.....

The meal may well have been boomed for weeks. Relatives flying in or driving down from miles away to be there and they were meant to be putting them up etc.

Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 15:36

Heysoulsister I don't know where he had been. He had canula's (sp) in his hands and a carrier bag with some clothes in. His bed didn't have any personal items by it, before he arrived so I didn't get the impression that he was a long stay patient, but he may have been moved from somewhere else. I am genuinely trying not to judge, but it broke my heart. I just wanted to take him home, he was absolutely beautiful, huge brown eyes etc (not that his eyes would make any difference as to whether his parents should have been there IYSWIM Grin). Nurses were definitely talking about "parents" - plural, not single mum.

secret, thanks, she is fine now - until the next time! (Just hoping there won't be a next time though)

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/06/2013 15:37

But the arents were out for a meal, is that more importand!

Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 15:38

wheresmycaffeinedrip it was the fact that they had rung and siad they would be in early, nurses had rung and been told they were on their way, but still didn't show up. Right - benefit of the doubt it is! still want to go in and see if he's ok!

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 15:39

pigletmania I really do think that going out for a meal could be classed as a priority in certain circumstances, but 22 hours! That was what amazed me.

OP posts:
TabithaStephens · 29/06/2013 15:40

Some people don't deserve to have children. Sad

VelvetSpoon · 29/06/2013 15:42

I don't think you know enough to judge tbh.

If he'd just been taken ill, and they went out rather than coming to see him - pretty shocking.

However if he had been in hospital for a long time, or was far from home, quite possibly they just couldn't be there all the time. When my DS was a baby and had to go into hospital, he was on a ward for children with stomach/ bowel problems. Some of those babies had been in hospital since birth as tube fed etc - one was over a year old and a dear little boy who I used to sit and play with when DS was asleep. His mum was a single parent, working FT, other kids at home. She used to visit him once a week as that was all she could manage. I didn't judge her, because she was clearly doing her best in difficult circumstances.

pigletmania · 29/06/2013 15:42

Sorry cant we accept tat some parents are shit.

HeySoulSister · 29/06/2013 15:43

Was it a specialist hospital in any way op?

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 29/06/2013 15:44

You said that the boy didn't speak any English? We're the parents able to speak well enough? Is it possible they didn't understand or that they didn't explain what they meant very well?

You could well be right. But depending on the dads job he could have got called in for something during/after Meal. It's not just fire fighters and paramedics that get emergency calls. If he had to go to work maybe the mum was unable to leave the other children.

No one knows

bishboschone · 29/06/2013 15:44

My ds was in scbu for 4 weeks , I only saw him for an hour out of every 24 . I had a dd and I had a c section so couldn't drive . My dh had to dive me a 3 hour round trip at lunchtime every day so we could see him and get back for my dad . There were some first time mums that were there 24/7 . I felt judged when I went and left but honestly he was asleep most of the time so had no idea I was there. On the other hand if it was now and he was in hospital at 2 I wouldn't leave him.

TheOneWithTheHair · 29/06/2013 15:44

Velvet I wouldn't have judged her either. How sad for all concerned. :(

In this case it appears on the surface to be a case of shocking parenting but you never can tell.

pigletmania · 29/06/2013 15:45

They told the nurses that they would be therest a certain time, 10 hours later tey still were not there, op heard nurses say tey had gone out for a meal Sad

BrokenBanana · 29/06/2013 15:46

A couple of years ago we spent 2 weeks in hospital in intensive care with ds, it amazed us how many children were left with no one to sit with them at all! There were 3 kids who didn't have anyone come in for a good few days, it was Christmas time as well :(

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