AIBU or is she being as manipulative and scheming as I think she is.

[Giraffinalaugh]

And if so what do I do?

DP and I have a 3, nearly four week old son. His mum lives in the same road and I did make a point of saying to her when we got home to pop in whenever, which so far has been about twice a week for 5 or 10 minutes and doesn't really pay so much attention to the baby. She doesn't always hold him or seem that fussed by him (when I found out I was pregnant she said she was shocked because I'm not maternal, but she doesn't seem that bothered with him really).

Getting to the point, she spends the time when she is here telling me, not suggesting.. Actually insisting on everything I'm doing wrong in her eyes. She came up twice this week and on both occasions told me the room was far too hot because the gro egg room thermometer was orange and about 21 or 22 degrees. Using my common sense straight away I checked the back of his neck when she mentioned it and he felt neither hot or cold to me so I thought nothing of it. Would have opened a window or taken his blanket off if he was warm, but when he was born he was in Scbu because he was so cold so regardless of room temp I'm more bothered about his temp.
He's also significantly tounge tied and until he has it snipped we have been using bottles, she made a point of telling me that if he's struggling to feed I'm probably holding the bottles wrong. And that she has never heard of a baby being unsettled and crying for hours (this has only happened once so far and I know it was down to the tounge tie and wind, there was a midwife here at the time who wasn't concerned) but she is really really concerned because babies just don't do that and she's never heard of it.
I was having a nap yesterday and I woke up to her screaming at DP in the hall (well I've raised kids, I know!!!) and then slammed my front door almost off its hinges. Is it me or is this just not normal behaviour?

She also takes issue with the fact that I have spent the last three weeks sleeping on the couch with him in the Moses basket next to me.. It works for me for now as one of the windows in our room is jammed and it gets very hot in there sometimes, I've had a c section and its just easier for me staying downstairs close to the kitchen and with all if his stuff in one room than being upstairs and cgoing up and down all night. I'd rather save my energy for getting out for nice walks with him in the day. But I'm wrong and I can't give him a proper bedtime routine if I'm not carrying him up the stairs at three weeks old.

The shit hit the fan yesterday when after a series of texts saying how concerned and worried about him she was.. She sent this beauty.. Nt to me though but to DP behind my back

"Hi, how is baby this morning. I am working close by today if giraffe needs me so tell her to ring me if she needs someone. I am really worried about how she sits in the front room when it's hot and doesn't seem to look at the temp egg, you need to keep the door open to keep some air flowing. I wonder sometimes if she does it deliberately. Please make sure she opens windows. I know I go on but I think it's because she either doesn't want advice or doesn't listen to it and baby is very precious and needs proper care xxx"

I confronted her about the txt last night, her only defence was that it is a private txt and none of my business. My issue is that she never bothered touching baby to see if he was hot or cold, yet is so so worried by the temp on a gro egg that she can insinuate I would neglect my child. When I confronted her about this she said that she has raised babies and she knows and then started literally screaming "cot death, giraffe, cot death!!!" I my face like I was stupid. I spent four years training as a nurse, I can gage a temp for gods sake.

I wonder how you can be not worried enough to reach in and check baby, yet worried enough to tell my DP things like that behind my back.. It doesn't feel genuine to me, it feels really manipulitive, like she is interfering and trying to break us up or see me fail or something. She's very bitter in general and always slating some one but to cause all of this over something so trivial.
Understandably I was very angry but couldn't even justify myself as a parent as she was standing there smirking and rolling her eyes saying to DP "see, look what she's like, see you weren't raised to be a drama queen like that" all very patronising and school playground behaviour. I ended up walking out and telling her if she didn't change then she wouldn't see me or baby again. It's out DP in a horrible position but I feel like I have to make a stand. I know this was really long winded but what would you lot be doing? She doesn't have a lot of friends and doesn't speak to a lot of family other than her daughters and just poisons people against each other, I don't want it to spoil these early days for us and really don't want ds hearing it all. Wwyd???

Well as the situation between us (me and MIL) became increasingly tense, it became impossible for him to keep making excuses for her.

As I wasn't willing to back down over how my child should be raised (my MIL also spouted the line about having had her own children so obviously knowing better and was eventually doing it anytime I would say anything) she became so frustrated by my inability to bend to her whim that one day she just lost it and started screaming at me and DH. She really couldn't stand being challenged! And I didn't even do anything except stand my ground in a polite manner whenever she would act like your own MIL is in your description.

For example:

MIL: Are you giving grandchild a bath?

Popping: Yes...

MIL: Is that flannel what you are using to bathe her with?

Popping: Yes...

MIL: And do you really think THAT is going to be able to clean grandchild properly?

Popping: Yes.

MIL: Harrumph (combined with a shake of the head and frown while pointedly looking at me).

Many other times the controlling behaviour would be much more obvious than this example and more like you have described.

Anyway, after she eventually erupted, DH could no longer excuse her and had to acknowledge that she was trying to bully me into submission and was trying to control everything. By then there was already damage to our own relationship because I felt he had not done his job of supporting me properly (we are getting past it now but it affected my trust in him). Plus because of it not being dealt with in the early stages and consequently ending up in a full on screaming match, we ended up having to cut her almost completely out of our lives. He also has a lot of angry feeling towards her now because he feels let down and humiliated by her after seeing how she behaved.

So now I spend my days warning other couples of the perils of controlling MIL's because it can really get out of hand.

Sort it in the early stages.

Everything you wrote is so familiar and it can really affect a relationship. So sorry to hear you are having these problems, it is a bitch.

I'm sat here feeding my DD and the gro egg in her room says 21.1. Do I open her window onto the main road for her to be woken up by the birds in the tree outside her window which I can already hear the feckers chirping and the traffic? Nope, I go on the gro bag website and dress her in the appropriate clothing for the room temp and the correct gro bag . If you're dressing your LO correctly for the temperature in the room and checking where you are doing on their body then there's nothing to worry about. I keep DDs window open as much as possible during the day except naps because if I've managed to get her down dammit I don't want any yappy dogs or honking horns waking her and I'm sure you do the same, it just hasn't happened to coincide with MIL being around for 5/10 minutes. You know you're doing the right thing by your LO. Good luck with the c-section recovery (wish I'd thought of doing what you're doing!) and in no uncertain terms ITB (ignore the bastard)

Film her on your mobile the next time she is ranting like a psycho & play it back to her when she is calmer. She might be shocked at how she comes across to others,.she is so self absorbed in her madness that she hasnt considered how she appears to other
I'd wind her up by saying you've shown the clip to the hv & she's advised you to keep.her away as her madness is harmful to the baby. Seriously all that ranting is not a healthy environment for a child.

I am not being serious about the filming but its tempting to show it to lots of people who think she normal!

Congratulations on your lovely baby.

Does your dh support you in this?
I agree with smiling and nodding

Failing that. Move away.

What are you meant to do in the height of summer?
Have air conditioning fitted?

I've never owned a room thermometer.

Miraculously, all three of mine seem to have survived.

Oh popping.

Are we all doomed to make the same mistakes with our future DILs?
Please say not. Please.

I would tell her every time 'oh the midwife/health visitor says its fine/ normal' and then change the subject. She obviously has no idea. You could always ask midwife if you need to put less layers on? I'm know they do need to have less layers slowly.

Christ on a bike- she is completely barmy!

I think you and DH need to strategise and I think you need to come up with a one liner that allows you to reply (and quite likely repeat until insane) to each of her "observations" without being drawn into her personal drama.

As for screaming at you - that is harassment and Id recommend you logging it for possible future reference.

I hope after realising she us nite getting the desired effect of everyone jumping to attention and aquiescing to the queen bee that she will give up and find a new target to use in her games of finding self-validation.

Next warm humid day of around 22 degrees drop her a text, reassure her you took her advice on board and you've popped baby in the fridge.

Seriously, it sounds like you are doing a grand job. Congratulate her on bringing up Dh so well when she mentions it, then ask, or should I be thanking Dh's grandmother?

I think new mums are all to be a little bit precious, but you really aren't. You've had made surgery, you sound like your going great guns recovering.

As long as you dh and you are in this together let her visit when you are both in and deal with her together.

I can't believe some people on here are so accepting if this behaviour. It simply isn't on!
I'm a gma and would never speak to dil like that, I bite my tongue and if its something I must say I say it tactfully.
My ds would never allow me to slag off his dp because I brought him up to be loyal.
Your do needs to lay it right on the line and tell her to keep her beak out it it gives her the message she can still bully you.
How you raise your child is only the business of you and your dh. Tell her she is welcome to visit but if she's bossy or rude then it will stop.
I'd have booted her out a long time ago.

Am I the only person who had a mental image of Patsy from ab fab crazily shouting "cot death, giraffe, cot death"? Your MIL sounds just as out of touch with reality.

I don't think smiling, nodding and humouring her is the way to go. She needs to be politely but firmly told that she is a)wrong and b) out of order, and it needs to be your DP who tells her so.

I think that until she sees that you are a united front on this she will keep chipping away. It may be that in her subconscious she sees the birth of your son as something possible of taking her own child away from her, as now he has a full on family of his own, which may become his number one priority when before she could always claim that spot

I really hate this saying, but it seems appropriate for this situation. your DH needs to "man up" and lay some rules down for her.

Oh! Glad to see page two brought some normal reactions

Ledkr

Sensible mnetters sleep later

Have to add that's its taken dh to see his dm in her true light.
Understandable as she's his mum and he loves us both.
It was me pointing out how scared he was acting when we were late for an enforced meal we had tried several times to refuse as bad timing, for him to finally decide to stand up to her and her controlling behaviour.
What us it about a new baby that makes some sane intelligent women lose their minds?

Your MIL sounds utterly deranged! I absolutely would not tolerate that sort of behaviour from anyone in my family, blood relative or in-law.

Your DP needs to step up here and tell her in no uncertain terms to back the hell off. You are 3 weeks into recovery from major surgery at the same time as getting the hang of caring for a new baby. You sound like you've done a lot of research and have a good grasp of common sense. That is a fuck of a lot more than could be said for me with ds1 at 3 weeks post-partum! As long as YOU know her "concerns" are bullshit and you know your partner knows it too, try not to let her get to you. Keep her at arms length until she can behave properly - and I'm sorry, but no grandmother has the "right" to see her grandchild if she's going to treat the mother so appallingly.

The more MIL threads I read here, the less intolerant I feel of my own MIL, who is a saint in comparison and that's saying something.

I'd get rid of the gro-egg & tell her to butt out. She sounds awful

You know you said she sent a text saying she had an issue with your baby's name - you didn't change it did you?

I wondered that too ChocolateBridesmaid. I do hope not.

First of all, sympathies. You do not need this sort of shit 3 weeks post cs.

To cut a long a long story short my MiL is similar to this. Wanted everything to revolve round her, her terms, never mind anyone else. It has always been this way in their family with everyone complying. It started during our wedding plans. DH just didn't/couldn't see it and constantly tried to keep the peace. This resulted in me feeling very unsupported as popping said.

There were lots of other incidents and each time resulted in me and DH having huge rows. Then she did something that DH could not fail to see it for what it was. He realised I had been being reasonable all along and that she was being manipulative and controlling. She forced him to make a choice and he did.

I got no pleasure from this at all. DH suffered as Zigzag said it's hard to see faults in a loved one.

You and your DP need to be united. He needs to support you and tell her what she is doing is not acceptable (especially at this time). He needs to say that he has complete faith in your abilities and will not have you questioned whilst pretending it is "concern". Faber sets out some good ideas. It shouldn't be you doing this as it creates a you and her role.

However you need to acknowledge to your DP that this will be difficult for him.

My relationship with MiL is much better now. I feel more comfortable that if she gets out of hand DH will sort it. I think she knows this too and is less critical/ rude(to my face anyway!)

I hope it goes well and you nip it in the bud.

Oh god yes next time she goes on about it being boiling when it's 21 tell her she must be having a hot flush because it's really not THAT hot. Then step back as the fireworks erupt.

Seriously she sounds dreadful & you do have to stand your ground unfortunately or she will be interfering forever more & it will cause huge problems between you and your partner.

Looking on this as an outsider....always remember that advice etc tells you more about the GIVER than the RECEIVER..

Yes, she seems irrationally obsessed with temperature etc...where has this come from..?

Is there family secrets you don' know - or just family details..?
Has she lost a baby to SIDS (and maybe never talked about it)
Has someone close to her lost a baby
Is it even someone at work/social group etc..?
Has she maybe just recently read a book about losing a baby...?
In the 30 years since she had babies, so so much has changed and the rate of cot death has been slashed hugely - tragically there were many more cot deaths 30 years ago.

I know at the moment you don't want to be sympathetic to her and clearly this is HER issue and not YOUR issue - but she does seem un-naturally obsesed with this aspect..

(And, in almost july, is there a problem with opening a window...._

Can your DP tell her that she's welcome to come visit etc but it is not appropriate to imply you are neglecting your baby just because you are doing things differently from her?

She seems to be making an odd and mean bid for supremacy which needs to stop!

Yes because this almost July is blisteringly hot