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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking it's not the same thing?

29 replies

WestieMamma · 29/06/2013 00:31

MN has already helped me establish that my mum, much as I love her, is most likely bonkers. Does her latest gem confirm this or is she right in thinking it's just me failing to see things from someone else's perspective? (I have AS so can have problems with this.)

My mum is currently visiting me for the first time since I emigrated nearly 10 years ago. I was opening up and telling her how difficult it has been over the years and how sad I think it is that people like my husband have to leave their country in order to find work. She said she understood because she went through it when my dad had to relocate for work when I was little. I don't know why but this really pushed my buttons and I got quite cross and told her that relocating 150 miles within England is hardly comparable with relocating thousands of miles away to a different country with a different language and all the difficulties emigrating entails. She's stropped off to bed.

Please tell me IANBU and she is indeed bonkers.

Goes off to scoff son's chocolate in a revengeful huff

OP posts:

SuckAtRelationships · 29/06/2013 00:34

Well my family moved within Britain to an area that is very very different and there was MANY challenges... It depends but actually I think you may have been looking for ALL the attention in this case. Even if it not the same there will be similarities and it sounds as if your reaction was OTT.

So, I think YABU

Alambil · 29/06/2013 00:34

it's not in the same league, I suppose but having to make new connections and fit in to a new society is the same, staying in England or not...

you're not ENTIRELY unreasonable, but maybe taking it a little to heart

Original poster

WestieMamma · 29/06/2013 00:42

I think it's because we were talking about family connections. When we moved when I was little we went back several times a year to visit family and friends. They came to visit us just as much and within a couple of years my nan and one of my uncles also moved to the same town.

I've lived here for nearly 10 years and this is the first time my mum has been to visit. None of my siblings, family or friends have ever been out to visit and I only get to go back every 2 or 3 years. It feels like I moved to a different planet.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/06/2013 00:43

She isn't bonkers at all

If she found it hard for her then she found it hard for her

You're finding your situation hard too...but for different reasons.

It's not a competition and there are no prizes at the end of it

It sounds to me as though she's just trying to empathise with you.

Myliferocks · 29/06/2013 00:52

Funny, I was talking to my friend via Skype about this just the other day!
She emigrated about 20 years ago and she was saying back when she first moved it was hard because contact with family and friends that she left behind was only through letters or very rare phone calls. These days she is in much more contact with people via Skype, email, various forms of messages and even phone calls which are a lot cheaper.
Yes your mum 'only' moved 150 miles away and returned to visit a few times a year but that's not the same as having constant day to day contact which she feels was hard for her.
It is possible for you both to find your own situations hard. It doesn't mean one of you has/had it harder than the other.

Original poster

WestieMamma · 29/06/2013 00:54

She isn't bonkers at all

I suggest you read my previous thread where I said she'd accused me of being PFB because I wouldn't grate up the chocolate she brought over and feed it to my 8 week old son, before you say that :o

I am taking on board the rest. You're right, it's not a competition but often it does feel like it is with my mum. Although I don't think she does it on purpose, that may be why I bit this time. I've reached saturation point with me telling her about some difficulty I'm going through and her turning it around to be about her.

OP posts:

Original poster

WestieMamma · 29/06/2013 00:58

And in my defence, I've never been so sleep deprived in my life. Baby has been up wanting to be fed ever hour for the last few nights. (That'll be the wind )

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 29/06/2013 01:00

It's not a competition and there is no need to try and win. She's trying to empathise with you.

Emilythornesbff · 29/06/2013 06:39

Based on this post I agree with worra

Emilythornesbff · 29/06/2013 06:41

Yes. Being that tired is horrible. It will get better

LindyHemming · 29/06/2013 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IWillStartOnMonday · 29/06/2013 07:31

I agree YABU. It sounds like she was just trying to empathise. It's the first time she has visited you in 10 years.... Just go away and enjoy your time together and stop talking about her on mumsnet.

digerd · 29/06/2013 08:32

Give her the benefit of the doubt and take it as her sympathising and empathising with you. Could be she really has missed you but can't actually say those words?

Roshbegosh · 29/06/2013 08:37

YABU
She was isolated and struggling just like you when she moved. She is saying she understands ffs. You might not see her for another ten years so lighten up and don't end up regretting how this time together went.
There is obviously baggage about you feeling listened to or something but you won't resolve all that during her visit so bite your tongue and be nice. Make a nice memory for you both.

BoundandRebound · 29/06/2013 08:41

She is trying to empathise and share a connection.

I think it is similar

I think in he nicest possible way yabu. You would not have reacted to a friend for saying that

PrettyKitty1986 · 29/06/2013 08:43

Yabu.

She was trying to empathise. It's not a competition.

I am also wondering why on earth your dh 'had' to leave the country to find work. Sounds a bit woe is me tbh. Emigrating is a choice. Don't make out you're hard done by because you 'had' to.

theodorakisses · 29/06/2013 08:48

It's always the same for me. I talk to her most days on the phone, count the days until she visits (am also abroad) and then after about 2 days revert to teenager/mother relationship. Don't worry, you are normal, the smallest thing can piss you off in that situation, it doesn't mean either of you are wrong or bad people. Thank god for dogs, I take mine for some very long walks when she is here!

Justforlaughs · 29/06/2013 08:50

I have no idea about any other reasons you have to think your mother is bonkers, but in this instance I think YABU. If you think about it, when she moved 150 miles away from everything she knew, she probably ha less contact with loved ones than you do. 30 years ago, there was no internet, lots of people still didn't have phones, main way of staying in touch would have been by letter, traveling 150 miles would have been very difficult and expensive. etc. She was trying to empathise and say that she understands. She has probably been very excited to be seeing you after 10 years apart, enjoy it. Don't waste the time reading conflict into perfectly simple comments. Go and take her a

Nagoo · 29/06/2013 08:51

This time YABU.

marriedinwhiteagain · 29/06/2013 08:58

YABU but you are entitled to be YABU with an 8 week old and sleep deprived. remembers own mother suggesting ds's dummy could be dipped in honey to make it nicer for him Times change - things move on. Nod and smile, nod and smile.

theodorakisses · 29/06/2013 09:08

My mum drives me crazy but I try to remember that she has spend a lot of money coming and that when she leaves I will feel bereft (and a tiny bit relieved to get back to normal). She at least makes the effort to come and I know that if I needed her, she would be on the next plane out. doesn't make her any less annoying though!

threefeethighandrising · 29/06/2013 09:09

I can understand how this would be upsetting. Moving within the UK is hardly comparable, if your point was how isolated you feel and that's partly because your family - including her - don't make the effort to visit as you're in a different country.

I don't think YABU to feel upset by her lack of understanding.

It is possible she was trying to empathise however and I agree with the poster above that it's important to make the stay a nice experience for you both.

So yes, she was insensitive, but it might have come from good intentions.

How's it between the two of you today?

Original poster

WestieMamma · 29/06/2013 10:06

How's it between the two of you today?

Fine. We're off to the annual strawberry festival today. Hard to have the hump when there's mountains of free strawberries and icecream and the fair is in town.

Just go away and enjoy your time together and stop talking about her on mumsnet.

What else am I supposed to do at 3.00 am when the baby thinks it's time to get up and the rest of the world is tucked up in bed?

I am also wondering why on earth your dh 'had' to leave the country to find work. Sounds a bit woe is me tbh. Emigrating is a choice. Don't make out you're hard done by because you 'had' to.

He's a research scientist. The UK government is no longer investing in this. University research labs are being shut down. He had to go where there's funding.

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BalloonSlayer · 29/06/2013 10:18

Well I agree with you WestieMamma.

I would cheerfully relocate 150 miles away with DH. There is no way I would relocate to a foreign country where I couldn't speak the language.

The two situations are very different, IMO.

My sister emigrated to an English speaking country over 20 years ago. I know she found it hard. If I told her that I understood because it was hard when we moved to our village and didn't know anyone she would tell me to Fuck Off, as it's not the same. And I wouldn't blame her.

Original poster

WestieMamma · 29/06/2013 10:21

Sorry I should have explained better, but when I said it's sad that my husband had to leave the UK to find work it was more a general statement than a specific one. I was talking about how it's sad that the country invests so much in educating and training people like my husband but then doesn't invest in holding on to them so other countries get the reap the benefit of that investment. That's the bit I find sad.

Sometimes I'm so rubbish at explaining.

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