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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel completely gutted?

37 replies

Bambi27 · 28/06/2013 23:49

I have been friends with someone since primary school we lost touch for a few years over a silly argument but reconnected after a few years when we had children. From then we remained friends for a few years (very close friends would see each other at least once a week) I even made her my child's godmother. Then she became pregnant with her second child and became very distant and now we don't see each. I tried to text and ask why she was ignoring me and she just brushed it off but still made no effort to see me. Impartial friends and my husband feel I'm better off without her and feel me 'stupid' if I tried to make contact again as its only been me for months but I literally feel like I have 'split' up with someone, I miss her and her son so much and am missing out on her new child. Just feel gutted....sorry just venting really!!!!

OP posts:
pictish · 28/06/2013 23:54

Oh I'm sorry. You've been phased out. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to continue the friendship, and that does hurt.

I don't think you'll get to the bottom of this. I think you'll have to respect her stance and move on.

It is shit though. xxx

Original poster
Bambi27 · 28/06/2013 23:56

Yeah thanks Pictish! I completely agree with you and tbh I sort of 'know' the reasons why she's phased me out! I can only really guess but I know her pretty well and know how her mind works...just hurts! Just needed to vent! Thanks for the reply! :) x

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Roshbegosh · 28/06/2013 23:57

There might be any number of reasons why she doesn't want to see you and it might be something that is nothing to do with you. Could you let her know that you miss her, you hope you haven't inadvertently upset her and you will be there if she gets in touch. Then just leave it to her. If she doesn't make contact then you have to just move on.

TheYoniWayIsUp · 28/06/2013 23:59

No advice, sadly. Just empathy as I've been through similar-except mine was a falling out rather than drifting. I totally get what you mean about the 'splitting up' feeling.

Maybe just give it a while and then try again. The early years with a young family are hard, I know I've lost friends over the years just due to lack of time/energy. Hope you sort it out.

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:02

I did that roshbegosh...she turned it around...then when I said I was just sad I didn't see her etc etc, she ignore it! I really do need to forget about it but its hard! But thanks!! X

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Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:03

Theyoni.. Sorry you've been in a similar situation it sucks!! Hmm

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AgentZigzag · 29/06/2013 00:06

It's going to hurt like fuck if you're on the level of being gutted, but she's so removed she's brushing you off.

Why is it you think she's done this?

Is it the future you're missing her more in IYSWIM? That it's only been a few months, but you're thinking about the gap she'll leave long term?

Could you contacting her after she's hinted she's doing other stuff/friendship might have changed, put her off a bit? And she feels a bit oppressed by it? That you're thinking because you've been friends for so long, she kind of owes it to you to be like that forevermore?

I don't mean that to sound harsh, just can't be arsed find another way of saying it

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:15

It's difficult to say this without sounding big headed so here goes anyway...basically I know her very well, she's a very jealous person, likes to feel the 'best' in every situation. She had to go back to work after she had her lo and I didn't. She hinted a lot about wanted to know how I afforded not to go back to work...until she out right asked me and I told her how much husband earns. She was put out as it was more than her and her husband together. Anyway a year later I mentioned how proud I was of hubby as he had managed to double his earnings in a year as he had dropped partner blah blah blah...just in convo without thinking or mentioning figures without remembering previous convo regarding earnings with her...anyway this seemed to begin to annoy her. We then moved to a new house which was very much her taste but she failed to be pleased for us and then I got a new car and she wouldn't even say it was nice (I have never had a new car in my life) anyway....I feel our family doing well may have annoyed her knowing what she's like????

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aldiwhore · 29/06/2013 00:19

If she's having a hard time, a text saying "why are you ignoring me" will not go down well, at best it will be ignored!

How about a phonecall, a positive one, one that says "I miss you, lets meet up" one that may make her think she missing something too.

I mean that nicely. When I was having a shit time I needed friends to be forgiving, I needed cheering up, although it's not 'nice' I didn't have time for more shit on my shoulders... just a cheery face, a few giggles a cup of coffee.

I have one friend who's life is far far more cause for complaint than mine, but she never complains (unless I really turn the screws on her) and wants the same as me - a mate to chuckle with. Because she is like this, we've lasted, and because she TRIES to always be positive, I always listen when she isn't. I think that's the crux of it, if you're not seeing each other often, make it happy and fun, something to look forward to. Over time, you will be able to offload your woes (I have been able with my friend) but if from your friend's PoV all she's getting is woe, why are you ignoring me? She's not going to look forward to seeing you.

On the other hand, maybe you've outgrown each other, or more sadly for you, she's moved on from you? It could be salvaged, it could be the natural kind person's break up... if it's the latter, you will hurt, but you HAVE to move forwards. What else can you do?

YANBU to feel it's like breaking up with someone, love is involved, just because it's not sexual doesn't mean it isn't love, and heartbreak is normal. x

aldiwhore · 29/06/2013 00:25

Not annoyed her, maybe just depressed her.

Seeing someone living the life you'd love is a hard biscuit to swallow.

BUT... it's her biscuit, not yours. Maybe she'd rather distance herself than feel resentful every time she comes to yours for coffee?

If that's the reason, I actually feel for you both, and it's a conversation that would be very difficult to have without you sounding like a twat, and her sounding like a jealous deva.... actions can speak louder than words, so perhaps, turn up at her door with flowers, tell her how wonderful she is, how much she means to you, is there anything she is/does that you're proud of/in awe of?

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:25

Definitely I know I do just needed a vent as husband won't listen! I don't text a message like 'why were you annoyed' it was very much 'I miss you I want to be there for you' so I know I defo need to move on but just needed to vent and know its normal to feel gutted as husband feels I should feel fine about it!

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Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:26

Didn't even not dont!

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Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:27

I struggle to believe that you forgot the convo about how much your dh earns. You know that she financially cannot afford to make the same decisions that you can yet you felt it appropriate to mention hat your dh had or led his income?
You do know exactly why she has dropped you so let it go and think twice before bragging about your dh's salary in future.

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:30

Casmama...i really want bragging, it's difficult to relay situation basically my oh had had a difficult year as had to part with partnership (which was difficult decision which caused tension with his partner) take on a apprentice, basically a lot of decisions, we were discussing this and I said well I'm v proud of him for finally doing it as it had meant he doubled his income (didn't mention earnings) it was only later I thought f when she asked about income previously that I thought this would have annoyed her...

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Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:30

Or led = doubled
"I want to be there for you" I'm not sure how you could be more condescending!

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:31

And 'I want to be there for you' I meant helping with her child and new baby. Wow I don't see how that's condescending...

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Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:33

You were - nobody says "doubled their income" no matter what the circumstances, without knowing they are bragging. If you can't admit that you have no chance of getting this friendship back.

Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:33

It implies she can't cope- condescending.

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:34

Casmama I feel you enjoy being mean...if you can't admit that perhaps you will struggle

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Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:35

To a degree I'm playing devils advocate as if you want to retrieve this then you need to try to see it from her POV but I do think you would possibly rb me up the wrong way too.

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:35

Every one needs help with a child/baby I certainly do!!

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Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:36

X posts but actually prob appropriate response.

gobbynorthernbird · 29/06/2013 00:36

And some people enjoy being patronising...

Original poster
Bambi27 · 29/06/2013 00:36

Amazingly well of I'm rubbing you up the wrong way then please feel free to stop commenting. I understand playing devils advocate but not pulling apart everything someone says!

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Casmama · 29/06/2013 00:38

I totally agree and I did too (need help with a child)but if things are awkward between you then she is likely to be defensive and construe things the way I suggested