Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go away on my own?

45 replies

YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 09:41

DM is going abroad to see friends and because it's a special birthday I said I'd go with her for a long weekend (4 days).

I have 2 DC. Husband said I could go. Even said I could mid week if I wanted. Even during school time. Said he had the money ready for me to book.

Today is the day when he & DM book their work holidays and I apply for my passport renewal. He has text me & said that the money could be used for family holiday instead. We were already going to a caravan in July and camping in Aug but he now says we couldn't go camping (or get a new tent) if I go.

I'm so so disappointed. I was looking forward to reading in the sun for 4 days so much I was getting butterflies, thought I was so lucky.

I can still say I want to go but now it would be a selfish decision as if I'm choosing to go drinking & tanning on my own, leaving my children behind.

Am I selfish if I say I want to go? Because I really do but not if I'm a rubbish mum if I do.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 27/06/2013 09:43

Well, for a start, you don't need his permission to go away. He has already said that you can so you know it is do-able on his part so just tell him it is too late, you have told DM you are going and he can't change his mind.

Of course it isn't a selfish decision, we all need some time out.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 09:49

It's not selfish at all, do it.

Tell him its too late ot back out now and well you can get a new tent next year, one camping holiday instead of two shouldn't be the end of the world.

Out of curiousity do you often go away on your own?
Does your husband go on holiday on his own, does he ask your permission first, do you make last minute excuses to prevent him?

Book it and go

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 09:50

He's paying. I'm a SAHM and don't even have £50 to may name at this moment.

If I insist, he'll compare me to some horrid mum & I can't stand the guilt.

I think I've been in this role so long that I don't feel like I deserve it, in a way. Would I be annoyed if husband went away with his family? I honestly don't think I would.

He's going to make it like I'm taking fun away from the family and keeping it all for my selfish self.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/06/2013 09:54

Book it and go. Any comments he makes (or attitudes he takes about it) say more about him than they do about you.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 09:55

You are not taking anythjing away fmor the family at all in any shape or form.

Tell him oh gosh, if you'd said from the start I'd have not made plans its far too late to back out now, mum's going to think you're a controlling dick if I tell her you've made last minute unilateral decision to stop me going, I'd hate her to think that of you

Does he have control of all decision maknig in your household?

Whilst on holiday, have a long hard think of where you want your life to go and how to get back in control of your life and finances, I'd be looking to getting back in the job market personally.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 09:56

I haven't been away on my own since have the DC. I used to go a lot before when I had a job & could pay for it myself because DM lived abroad.

I don't even go out very often. My youngest DS gets anxious at bedtime when I'm not there so I often don't bother. They are young. Nearly 4 & 2.5.

My instinct (and he knows it) is to be a martyr and say 'nevermind, I just won't go' plan my revenge for a few days then forget I was angry. I just really, really want to go. I'm so tired & feel like this will recharge me, help my confidence and even make me appreciate DH... I don't need to convince myself (or you) do I?

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 10:03

Look at it factually;

You have the funds
H was fine about it
You've made plans with DM, it would be rude to back out so last minute
One camping holiday instead of two in consecutive months is hardly a sacrifice (I don't do camping!)
Your H does not get to dictate

Book everything, go and give serisous thought to returning to work on your return or making practical moves to do so, if your H can guilt you into being the household drudge with no say in your life then you need to get back some autonomy and get financial independance ASAP.

BrianTheMole · 27/06/2013 10:26

What Fuzzy says.

sameoldIggi · 27/06/2013 10:43

Do you. Not have joint access to the household finances?
Sounds like you are being kept short of money in general. It is very mean to say yes to something and then make it hard for you to actually do it. Maybe the reality of you being away has started to sink in for him - but tough! I believe slavery is now illegal.

fackinell · 27/06/2013 10:58

OP you DO have a job, you care day in day out for your children. I'm assuming your H has paid holidays? See it as this.

You aren't going on your own, you are going with your DM, and would be letting her down.

You may need his financial backing (which he agreed to) but you do not need his permission!!

Go and have a guilt free four days. It's probably just hit him how much work it's going to be (which is no bad thing as he will appreciate you more, with a bit if luck.) He's a big boy, he will cope.

A wk in the (probable rain) in a tent v four days of sunshine, reading and girlie shopping?
Hmmmmm Grin

diddl · 27/06/2013 11:06

He's trying to guilt trip you into changing your mind by the sounds of it!

It's only four days-he'll cope!

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 12:57

He's now saying we should fly from an airport 200 miles away so he can take the children to stay with his family while I'm away. He know's I won't like that.
He keeps saying it's about the money but I'm starting to think maybe something else. Of course he won't tell me anything simply or tell me how he feels. He exhausts me.

OP posts:
diddl · 27/06/2013 13:00

What's wrong with him going to his family?

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 13:01

He doesn't want to take care of the kids, sounds like he either considers it your job or is scared.

Tell him you've made plans you're flyign out fomr the airport nearest you because thats what you and your DM have decided motnhs ago!

Squitten · 27/06/2013 13:03

Why don't you want him to go to his family? Are they not nice? Unless there's some terrible objection, I would call his bluff and tell him to have a lovely time with his folks!

It doesn't sound like it's about money. Why does he exhaust you? What else does he do?

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 13:03

If he wants to leave the chidlren with his family let him, its his decision as a co-parent. Unless you bleieve they will be at risk?

CajaDeLaMemoria · 27/06/2013 13:03

You have given him far too much control.

He is now throwing anything he can at you to try and get it back.

Do not back down. Take back some control and power over your own life. He'll be fine. Your kids will be fine. You'll be refreshed and happy.

If you don't go, you let him control you again, let your DM down at late notice and will be upset.

Don't even think about not going.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 13:04

Just book everything and smile and nod at whatever he says.

Let him get on with it, really.

redskyatnight · 27/06/2013 13:04

I couldn't go on holiday if it meant the rest of my family didn't get a holiday. Sorry.

But I do think you and DH should look at your family budget together and see where you are spending your money and if there's anything you can do.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 13:08

redsky her husband said they had money, he's backing out now last minute. Also OP's family were going on two holidays, they will still go caravaning in July but not camping in August (if I've read that right).

The more OP posts the more controlling her H sounds.

pinkyredrose · 27/06/2013 13:09

redsky the family have 2 holidays booked. Sounds like the OP is financially abused, she says things like 'his money', 'he's paying'.

redskyatnight · 27/06/2013 13:26

It's not at all clear to me whether OP knows nothing about their financial situation from choice (fine) or because her DH is being controlling (not fine).

Reading the post entirely at face value he is saying that there is either enough money for her to go away or for the family to go camping.
Which is why I suggested that she and DH need to look at their budget together. I'd assumed when he'd previously told her to go and the money was no problem that he hadn't thought about it properly (something my DH is always doing when he says we can easily afford x,y and z).

I'd rather forgo a personal holiday away than disappoint my DC, but there's a whole other thread already running about whether one should put one's DCs first.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 13:43

He is very controlling, that's why he exhausts me. BUT I'm not very independent & I've kind of allowed him to be this way. It's just got worse now I'm at home with DC. He is a bit of a dick though.
I don't have my own money, I don't drive, my children are very dependent on me & I might make it worse because I worry about them so much (maybe because they are - literally - my life).

There's nothing wrong with his family, DC are not at risk but they're not very relaxed people, rather controlling and the children get told off A LOT by them when we're there. They're too on edge about their house & their stuff - DC are like little bulls in a china shop. Anyway, it's fine when I'm there but I wouldn't be able to relax if they're there.

fuzzy I'd love to be able to do that and not care about the consequences. It's just not me.

OP posts:
amazingmumof6 · 27/06/2013 13:53

you have to go.
that is the kind of "selfishness" that is ok.

I'm coming too, shame it's only 4 days..

trackies · 27/06/2013 14:12

i'm going away for 4 days for the first time with a friend (i have 3.5yo and 5yo). I reall,y really, really need this and am guessing you do too.
You are not being selfish. I am a SAHM too and i really agree that you need to recharge batteries with time away.

Why has he changed his mind ? really odd to be saying it's ok one min and then not ok when it comes to booking it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread