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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to go away on my own?

45 replies

YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 09:41

DM is going abroad to see friends and because it's a special birthday I said I'd go with her for a long weekend (4 days).

I have 2 DC. Husband said I could go. Even said I could mid week if I wanted. Even during school time. Said he had the money ready for me to book.

Today is the day when he & DM book their work holidays and I apply for my passport renewal. He has text me & said that the money could be used for family holiday instead. We were already going to a caravan in July and camping in Aug but he now says we couldn't go camping (or get a new tent) if I go.

I'm so so disappointed. I was looking forward to reading in the sun for 4 days so much I was getting butterflies, thought I was so lucky.

I can still say I want to go but now it would be a selfish decision as if I'm choosing to go drinking & tanning on my own, leaving my children behind.

Am I selfish if I say I want to go? Because I really do but not if I'm a rubbish mum if I do.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 27/06/2013 14:18

You need to go or you will get resentful and he will take you for granted and eventually you will drift apart. If he spits his dummy out then maybe that would be the pint to reassess your relationship.
That said I would not go away without my DH and DCs but that is just me.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2013 14:19

Apart from all the 'should you go' 'where are the DC staying stuff' the actual thing that is weird is him saying it is OK for ages then, at the very last minute, saying that it is not. That is mean, controlling and nasty.

Unless he comes up with a better reason than the new tent, which he would have known about weeks ago if he needed to, I'd be going and not coming back.

fabergeegg · 27/06/2013 14:23

It's not about the holiday, it's about the way your DH has made this decision. He needs to take responsibility for that. The decision was made and naturally, you've become emotionally invested. It felt like a gift, and it was a gift - very kind of your DH. But it's not fair on you or your mum to get in touch at the last moment and change the agenda. I would be hurt at his lack of respect and consideration. It would be no consolation to go on the holiday now, in your shoes. And if you insist, that sets up a conflict situation in which you're both pulling in different directions. Very unfair of DH to put you in that position. If you insist on going, will he be resentful because you're being 'selfish'? Because it's pretty selfish to enjoy being Mr Benevolent and then draw back as soon as the personal sacrifice starts to shape up into a reality.

YNBU.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 14:33

OP you need to get your financial independent back, I'd use the time away to plan the rest of my life.

Can you leave your children with your family?

I couldn't live like this.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 18:13

I don't know why he's changed his mind at the last minute. He's not even saying like that, he's kind of saying 'last chance, is this what you want? To spend money on this when it could go on a family holiday, make sure you're sure...' as if I haven't already made this decision & it's like buying a house or something massive.

He said to my mum last night "Well, she'll just want something else next month, like a new coat or something" That has truly got under my skin for some reason & I haven't had a chance to think it through today.

Have I lost my right to 'want' things? Isn't that just a sign of life, to 'want' things. I don't know what he wants from me. A servant? I'm going under a bit now.

OP posts:
sameoldIggi · 27/06/2013 18:28

You need to go. Spend some time away and let yourself think about what you want. I would buy a new coat (probably in a sale!) without a second thought.
He needs to let go.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 18:33

Can't say I've only ever bought one thing a month, I buy things as and when I want/need them.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Your H sounds horrible.

ButchCassidy · 27/06/2013 18:36

Go. Book it and go.
He sounds awful :-(
God forbid you want something for youHmm

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2013 18:47

Go on your holiday. And while you're there, don't be too surprised if you find yourself thinking repeatedly about getting rid of your H, because he is abusive.

Mind you, be prepared from now on for further attempts on his part to sabotage your holiday. He may get 'ill'. He may insist that one or more DC is ill, or he may start saying things like 'Mummy's going away because you are so naughty'. Because he considers you his inferior and is deliberately, consciously trying to punish you and make you unhappy.

Unfortunately, you will now get a lot of whiners going boohoo, he's a MAN, he must be all right really, try sucking his cock more, but his behaviour is blatantly abusive and he will not change. SO really, your best bet would be to have your holiday, come home, pack the rest of your belongings, take the DC and leave him.

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 18:52

Well he's home and it's all about the money. There is no money to give me each month, he doesn't have any for himself either. It's true, he doesn't actually spend money on himself, go out (or have friends) or go away without us. He wear the same clothes (and shoes) until they fall off him (most of which I bought him when I had money).

He has now transferred the money for the holiday into my account and said 'do what you want, if you think you're a slave' Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 18:55

Oh & I need to go for drink with SolidGoldBrass. Tonight. You sound like an alter ego.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 27/06/2013 19:12

pay for the holiday ASAP, no money in your account you cant be brow beaten into not going.

He sounds generally tight fisted.

ex was like that everything he ever had had been bought by me, top of the range/designer/really lovely, whilst I made do with what I had and god forbid if I ever got anything for myself, I NEVER heard the end of it. He hates having to pay his way now...hates paying CSA even more but he has no say in it whasoever.

If you split you'd get 20% of his after tax salary on a monthly basis (CSA), you also get child benefit and tax credits. Think about it, and single persons discount on council tax...think about it.

Whocansay · 27/06/2013 19:30

So money was tight, but all of a sudden not only does he have the cash for you to go, but for him to fly the children to see his parents? This is a power play.

Book your trip and tell him to fuck off. You work at home, he goes out to work. The money that comes in is family money.

I suspect he's a lazy shit who can't be bothered to look after his own children for a few days.

Bearbehind · 27/06/2013 19:39

This thread has made me quite sad. I can't believe he told your Mum that 'you'd be wanting something else next month'. That is so patronising. It's like he thinks he knows your own mind better than you do.

Not to mention the fact he is watching every penny you spend and making you feel guilty if it doesn't suit him. I couldn't live like that.

Book the holiday and use the time to have a long hard think about your future.

sameoldIggi · 27/06/2013 19:58

If you are as broke as he says (which I doubt) then you need to reconsider being a stay-at-home mum. Will he be happy doing nursery drop-offs etc? I imagine not. Might be worth telling him you're going back to work to call his bluff.

samandi · 27/06/2013 21:09

So don't get a new tent Confused Camping isn't exactly expensive.

ButchCassidy · 27/06/2013 21:21

Solidgoldbrass has put it brilliantlySmile

froggies · 27/06/2013 23:12

He sounds like my ex. He used to do this to me constantly. Not that I ever got a whole 4 days away unless i took all of the kids with me, but did manage the odd night, and it was always the same. Starts off fine, the 'oh maybe' then every reason under the sun why it might not be a good idea until you change your mind, and tell yourself it was your decision not to go.

Go on holiday with your Mum. Enjoy yourself. Do not feel guilty.

While you are there have a good long think about what YOU want for you, your kids and from your relationship. Then talk to him. If he is willing to see things from your viewpoint and support you to make what changes you want, and to change and more importantly sustain changes, in his behaviours that have a negative impact on you and your relationship, then great. If not, I would seriously consider walking out of the door.

justmyview · 27/06/2013 23:39

I think budgets should be a joint family agreement.

But for me, the bigger point of this story is that you previously agreed that you would go and DH is now trying to persuade you otherwise. I think that's unfair

Original poster
YesAnastasia · 27/06/2013 23:57

This thread makes me cry every time I come back to check it. He's not as bad as some of you ladies paint him but a lot of you have hit the nail on the head and it's scary.

I went to a friend's house tonight with a bottle of wine I'm and TOTALLY going to go on holiday on my own!

I'm not going to leave him though but I can't be so low on his priority list anymore just because I don't earn money. I love him (?) and he's an amazing daddy but I just have to be stronger and get some independence. Can you feel the wine-boost coming through? Thanks, you inspirational ladies :)

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