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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wish people would think before they speak!

43 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 26/06/2013 20:15

Need a vent. As its AIBU I'll word this as "was IBU to not say anything?".

At work today in Staffroom colleague looks at cover board & sees a member of my dep is out today (on course may I add). He says "bloody hell, there's always someone away in your dep". Not I was off sick for the whole of last half term (in hospital, quite serious medical problem). I said "oi, you directing that at me?". He then said "no, just meant you lot always seem to keep going off & having babies". He knows I lost a baby in February. This really pissed me off. Didn't k ow what to say to that but also didn't want to cause an unnecessary scene..

So what should I have done? Can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
HesneyChalks · 26/06/2013 20:20

That us awful, what an absolute idiot. I think I would have been so shocked at his thoughtlessness I wouldn't have known what to say. Could you speak to your hod about it?

cuttingpicassostoenails · 26/06/2013 20:21

Baseball bat, head interface!

sugarandspite · 26/06/2013 20:24

My current preferred response to similar situations is to look very hard at the idiotic person and say loudly and clearly:
you do remember that I recently lost a baby?

At which point they tend to go red, stutter apologies and scuttle off.

It's a conversation killer but I find it strangely satisfying.

Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 26/06/2013 20:27

Thanks for quick reply - especially to a post that had so many glaring typos. Ouch!

I'm in a quandary about it. If I raised it (with anyone) they'd prob just say he said it without thinking & therefore didn't mean any harm. Just don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

Love baseball idea. DH had a softball bat - will that do?

OP posts:
Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 26/06/2013 20:28

sugar, sorry you're in this situation too. Like the response though.

OP posts:
PrettyKitty1986 · 26/06/2013 20:31

I think YABU and paranoid. Not everything is going to be directed at you. If you hadn't pushed for a response the next comment would never have happened.

As for the pp who seems to purposely try to embarrass people with that sort of comment...words fail me, really.

Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 26/06/2013 20:35

Pretty, that is true. Still upset me though!

OP posts:
lurcherlover · 26/06/2013 20:35

PrettyKitty, I assume you've never lost a baby.

Sympathies, op. I have had colleagues say similar thoughtless things. They just forget and are really embarrassed when they are reminded.

PrettyKitty1986 · 26/06/2013 20:37

Lurcherlover, you can stick your assumptions.

You have no idea what I've experienced or not so don't attempt to patronise me.

GetStuffezd · 26/06/2013 20:43

Yanbu because his implication is that the women in your department fanny around until it's time to pop off for another baby holiday again. Very sorry to hear about your loss.

Catmint · 26/06/2013 20:54

OP, do you think it would make you feel better if you had the opportunity to gently tell him that what he said hurt you? You wouldn't need to be confrontational, just tell him simply how his comment made you feel.

While I am sure it wasn't directed at you, I do feel that people might try and have regard for other people's feelings about sensitive things, such as illness, pregnancy and MC.

He will probably be mortified, and hopefully a bit more thoughtful in future.

OwlinaTree · 26/06/2013 20:58

He didn't think before he spoke imo. Don't take it further.

lurcherlover · 26/06/2013 21:01

If you have experienced pregnancy loss PrettyKitty I'm gobsmacked that you could reply so insensitively to the OP. Posting in AIBU doesn't mean tact and compassion can fall by the wayside.

Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 26/06/2013 21:03

Pretty, don't think Lurcher was intending to be patronising, more being supportive to try & make me feel better.

Cat, I wish I had said something. Not sure if it would have made me feel better at the time but I certainly wouldn't be stewing over it now. Then again I'd probably been stewing that I'd made home feel awkward as he would've been mortified.

I obviously over think things too much.

OP posts:
Dejected · 26/06/2013 21:07

YANBU to be upset at the comment but at the risk of getting splinters sitting on the fence I imagine he spoke without thinking and was probably thinking shit shit shit as soon as he said it.

I think Catmint has made a good suggestion.

PrettyKitty1986 · 26/06/2013 21:56

This is aibu. My feeling is that the op is being unreasonable.

I imagine that the op was open to hearing honest points of view or she would not have posted her.

pictish · 26/06/2013 22:00

I'm sorry he made you feel like that. I think I would have too.
However, being a proper clanger dropper myself, I will offer up that he probably did not take your situation into account before speaking. He will have remembered later and cringed...but by then too late...it was already out.

I really feel for you...I can see why you thought 'ouch'. People can't be expected to remember everything about everyone all the time though.

So it's a very reluctant yabu from me. Sorry. xxx

Original poster
icklemssunshine1 · 26/06/2013 22:36

Pretty you're right. I like AIBU as it can sometimes be a very much rude awakening. I like posting here, firstly you got a lot of traffic but also I get a much needed "get over it". As I said up thread I do over analyse, especially when DH works late & I'm at home alone. (Actually DH returned not long ago & he asked me what was up, told him & he said "ignore it. It's nothing". Hmm!!)

Pictish, it was prob said without thinking. It's just because I feel I'm the only one who remembers & still feels the pain (sometimes its still raw). I know "life goes on" but some days I feel I'm still in that scan room being told they can't see a heartbeat :(

OP posts:
pictish · 26/06/2013 22:43

Aw...I am sorry. Sad

JustPanicking · 26/06/2013 22:45

I completely sympathise op as have experienced similar myself but please remember as traumatic as that was for you, you can't reasonably expect it to be at the forefront of everyone else's minds. Sympathies and Thanks though.

auntmargaret · 26/06/2013 22:48

I recently lost my sister to bowel cancer. On Tuesday, a colleague told me one of our clients has bowel cancer so we don't need to worry about her case as "she'll be dead soon". Some people are just wankers.

MammaTJ · 26/06/2013 22:48

I am normally a 'get over it, get on with it' kind of person. BUT as for the people who might say 'get over it' to this, HE NEEDS RETRAINING!!!

Nerfmother · 26/06/2013 22:54

Nah I think he made a flippant remark and you made him feel awkward so he said the first thing he thought of. Depends how far ing your pregnancy was as to whether he would know or remember I think.
And yes, my credentials do include losing two pregnancies before I get jumped on.

FiteFuaite · 26/06/2013 23:01

Oh auntmargaret ,I don't know what to say Sad

So sorry about your sister,I lost mine a few years ago and I miss her every single day.

As for your colleague,that is a stupid,ignorant,crass and downright nasty thing to say,even if there was nobody within earshot who has suffered a loss,it was a horrible thing to say about another human being Sad

FiteFuaite · 26/06/2013 23:07

Sorry OP,I forgot to reply to your post.

I think he was trying to be flippant and jokey and it fell flat. I don't think YWBU to say nothing,I know I probably wouldn't've ,despite wanting to make all sorts of cutting comebacks.

If he made a similarly stupid comment again,though,I'd definitely say something to him or to a line manager.

Sorry for your loss Thanks

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