Wish people would think before they speak!

[icklemssunshine1]

Need a vent. As its AIBU I'll word this as "was IBU to not say anything?".

At work today in Staffroom colleague looks at cover board & sees a member of my dep is out today (on course may I add). He says "bloody hell, there's always someone away in your dep". Not I was off sick for the whole of last half term (in hospital, quite serious medical problem). I said "oi, you directing that at me?". He then said "no, just meant you lot always seem to keep going off & having babies". He knows I lost a baby in February. This really pissed me off. Didn't k ow what to say to that but also didn't want to cause an unnecessary scene..

So what should I have done? Can't stop thinking about it.

Thank you Fite. It sounds wrong to say that I'm glad others know how I feel. But I'm sure you know what I mean.
My sister was the best person I ever met. I feel robbed of a lifetime with her. Sounds like yours was the same?

It's the kind of thing that people say all the time in a lighthearted way, and he probably realised what he'd said after he said it, but didn't want to say anything in case it was the apologising that hammered the point home as it were.* I would probably have a few seconds of panicking about which was best to do and then either slink off or try and bluster on, not knowing which was worse.

I like to think that I am a nice enough person otherwise that anyone who I manage to accidentally offend with a foot in mouth moment would consider it in the bigger picture of whether I'm usually a spiteful arse, decide that it was probably just a temporary glitch and forgive me. Is this guy someone who you can imagine saying something like that if he thought for one moment that it would upset you? Or is he generally a nice guy who would be horrified to hear that you were upset? Because that should give you your answer.

*For context, I always find that someone using an unfortunate turn of phrase in a difficult situation is easier to bear than an apology - something about the combination of their embarrassment, the attention and someone being kind makes me much more likely to lose control of my emotions than an off the cuff remark, so I am only going on personal experience here.

And sorry for your loss OP and others on this thread.

I go with you DoJo, id rather it be glossed over than an apology, easier to deal with.

I'm sorry for your loss OP but apart from how his comment was insensitive to your situation it was still a ridiculous thing for him to say. Blatant sexism. Women have babies and require maternity leave to look after them and recover. Men require paternity leave to help their partner recover and bond with their new baby. Why would he have an issue with this? Unless he'd prefer all the mothers jump out of the birth pool, strap the newborn into a papoose and hop on the tube back to work. Does he have children of his own?

I should have said YWNBU to be upset and YWNBU to not say anything. It's not your job to educate him but perhaps HR could have a word?

I can understand how sensitive you are to comments like that. A week after I returned to work after my miscarriage, the charmer from another department kindly dropped in to show us the pictures of his newborn.

Post it on everyday sexism.

email colleagues with "can you believe anyone was so insensitive"

I think if he'd realised what he'd said, he'd be kicking himself.

I'm sure it was an off the cuff, thoughtless remark and I'm sure it stung but try to let it go, unless this is something that occurs frequently.

If that's the case, I agree that a quiet chat with him about his tactless remarks might be in order.

Sorry for your loss

And YANBU to think people should think before they speak but in reality, it's not something the majority of us do when making chit-chat.

auntm what a crass remark from your colleague and even if you hadn't just lost someone dear to you, I think that's a very upsetting remark to hear.

Please accept and my sympathies.

YANBU. Some people just don't think before they speak. Idiot.
I had a similar experience recently (not about pregnancy loss) and realised that the person making the remark is actually utterly self-centred, and that bringing it up with them would not resolve anything. Crossed them mentally off my list - won't be doing them any favours for a long while!

Even leaving aside the offence to you OP, he was being sexist which funnily enough is not acceptable in the workplace anymore.

I would like to think I would have thought of a really good comeback - like "Did you get special training to be such a tactless twat, or is it natural talent?" - but I would probably not think of it until much later, and would be kicking myself.

Unless he's constantly making insensitive remarks I'd give him a break. You've probably unknowingly upset someone yourself without realising it. We all probably have.
Most people don't do it deliberately.

Thanks for all the responses. After a sleep I felt a bit better & just didn't want to re-visit it by mentioning it to him. I do think it was insensitive but as someone in my department pointed out to he today, this guy generally makes outrageous comments purely for effect rather than malice. For want of a better cliche I'll just let sleeping dogs lie but will raise it if he makes another remark that's too close to the bone.

As always thanks for the advice!

YANBU to be saddened and annoyed, unfortunately some teachers seem to use as much tact and diplomacy when talking to colleagues and parents as they do to pupils.

The pupils don't like it and you certainly don't have to, but he won't change.

I know retired a teachers who's manner is still utterly thoughtless, her lovely DH (also a retired teacher) is forever smoothing things over and deflecting trouble.

OP and Auntmargaret, you poor things. Having suffered a miscarriage and the death of a parent in the last couple of years, (as well as being rather oversensitive!), I've had lots of comments from people in the know which I've found bloody insensitive. I think most of the time people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don't think before they speak. On a couple of occasions when it has really upset/annoyed me, I've just said quietly what my situation is and they are usually embarrassed but frankly I don't care about that as they might not do it again (if you're lucky!).

But sexist comments about 'all you women having babies.. ' are annoying for various reasons. Although I've heard women say the same thing I should point out.