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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this colleague could be a SAHM if she wanted to be

147 replies

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 11:26

I work part time and a woman I work with is always sighing and saying 'Oh you're sooo lucky you get to stay at home with your children.' Oh, I'd love to be a stay at home mum', 'oh sigh' 'oh woe' etc.

I have every sympathy with mothers who would love to stay at home but can't afford to, and equally no problem with mothers who would go demented at home and prefer to go out to work.

But this woman, constantly moaning about 'having to go to work' is taking the whole family to Florida this Summer, drives an expensive car, arrives in every monring with a takeaway latte in hand, buys her lunch every day at a costly deli down the road, and thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a hand bag or a pair of shoes. It's her money, she can do what she likes with it, but I'm fed up of her doing a martyr act and making out I'm much luckier than her. No, I'm not. We will be sharing a house in the country with my sister and her family for our Summer holidays; we drive an old car; I make my own sandwiches for work and have never owned a really expensive bag or pair of shoes. That's why I can afford to work part time.

AIBU to think this woman enjoys coming to work but just wants to make out it's a huge sacrifice to get sympathy and attention?

OP posts:
MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 16:21

it's the moaning and martyring about something she has control over that's annoying me and the refusal to recognise that the people who 'are so lucky' have actually made sacrifices to get to do what they want, they didn't just 'get lucky'.

But how do you know she has control over this? Why can't you accept that her circumstances may be different and mean that it's hard for her to live her life in the way that she wants to?

I know you make sacrifices, but choice for many people particularly when it comes to work is a luxury.

VivaLeBeaver · 25/06/2013 16:22

Tell her. Grin

Though there's always the chance her dh is a total tight arse who would never give her a penny so she feels (or indeed does have to) she has to work.

DuelingFanjo · 25/06/2013 16:26

" my problem is with her implying that I have it much easier than her when I don't"

well then, tell her.

She says: 'Oh you're sooo lucky you get to stay at home with your children.'
you say: Well I have had to take a pay cut to do it.

She says 'Oh, I'd love to be a stay at home mum'
You say 'Well have you looked into part time hours?'

I don't see why it's so hard.

MrsDeVere · 25/06/2013 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 16:38

The thing is people who go into an office 9-5 every day will always think that people who don't have to go into the same office 9-5 everyday are lucky and have a slightly easier life, even in the greatest of jobs.

In the vast majority of cases I suspect that they are not judging you or your entire life circumstances and the choices you have made, or giving even the slightest thought to your homelife. They are simply thinking 'I wish it was hometime' or 'I wish I didn't have to come in tomorrow' they then see a part-time colleague who's about to go home or who doesn't have to come into the office tomorrow and just think 'wow aren't they lucky' they have what I was just wishing for.

They most likely follow the same thought process for people leaving early to go to the dentist or people who are about to go on holiday.

mrsjay · 25/06/2013 16:59

I do work very part time I work 6 hrs on a wednesday somebody once said oh is that even worth it, well yes it is thanks

becscertainstar · 25/06/2013 17:05

I wouldn't bother MrsDeVere I tried telling the woman I worked with but she could only relate to it as it being us competitively moaning - ie her saying 'oh I wish I could work PT' and me saying 'Well these are the disadvantages of PT', and her relating to that as me moaning about my life and really getting into her stride ready for the 'oh life is awful' schtick where we bond with each other by moaning about how awful it all is. Which I can't abide.

I went the other way and starting saying 'Oh yes, it's FABULOUS. I feel so sorry for you. It's terrible for you. What's worse is that you have no choice at all. Like prison. Just sitting there like Rose West in prison... while I'm free to leave. That must be awful. I'm really sorry for you. Yes, I'm so lucky. Right, I'm off. LOVE the new handbag by the way. Fendi is it? Very nice.' It seemed to work better for both of us. We were never going to relate to each other anyway. She was working all hours. I work just enough to keep the wolf from the door. She went shopping as a leisure activity and loved her brands. I'm a minimalist and strive to own less than 100 things. Just as examples... but we were never going to be friends. You can't get along with everyone - it's just a shame when they're at the same desk!

mrsjay · 25/06/2013 17:06

OH Miaow becs Grin

MrsDeVere · 25/06/2013 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/06/2013 17:21

See, in my mother's culture, the "Oh you're so lucky" is just a conversation piece. It's deemed flattery, making the person feel good about themselves and their choices. I'm halfway between the two, understand both and truthfully, I find it a bit annoying like most of you.

Not as annoying though as my mother's incredibly irritating habit of, when I ask her if she wants me to do anything for her, says "No". Then expects me to ask again another half a dozen times before she gets to the point and says, "Yes please, I really need..."

Now that's annoying. Shock

HoleyGhost · 25/06/2013 17:25

I reckon she is trying to make you feel good, but you feel patronised instead

StealthPolarBear · 25/06/2013 18:24

Arabesque, presumably the womans other half benefits from the chikdcare, cleaner etc

Dozer · 25/06/2013 18:39

Yanbu to be irritated by her comments, but yabu to assume that she could easily choose to work PT or to SAH, and yabu to assume that she's working because she's materialistic and could afford not to if she gave up her handbag habit.

There're loads of potential reasons, eg partner won't agree to her not working (not everyone is willing to be the sole earner) or he has an insecure job, relationship problems, debt, fear of not being able to get a job in the future if she has a break, family history of financial problems or a SaHM relative being left financially insecure, putting high importance on earning her own income....

StealthPolarBear · 25/06/2013 18:49

Arabesque, presumably the womans other half benefits from the chikdcare, cleaner etc

sweetkitty · 25/06/2013 18:53

YANBU I had a friend who said this to me almost every week, how lucky I was to be a SAHM, how she couldn't afford to, how hard it was to juggle childcare etc.

The childcare was her aunt and Mum and free, although she would moan about them daring to take a holiday or have an appointment on one of her work days as it meant she had to make alternative arrangements.

And yes this year she has had a new kitchen, bathroom, decorated her living room with new floors and been to Florida and who knows what else.

Instead of saying I wish I couldn't a SAHM but I can't afford it what they should say is I don't want to downgrade my lifestyle to become a SAHM.

Of course it's completely different for women who genuinely need to work for the essentials but you tend to find they just get on with it and don't complain whilst going on about their holidays.

MrButtercat · 25/06/2013 19:02

Yasooooonbu

This irritates me big time.

Sick to death of it. Sahp make huge sacrifices,very few are sahp and leading expensive lifestyles such as that in the op.Most of the time there is severe penny pinching involved and sacrifices.

Fine if it isn't for you but whining when it's more than possible for many so a choice thing really gets my goat.

Xmasbaby11 · 25/06/2013 19:24

It may seem that she has an extravagant lifestyle compared to you, but she may not feel that way. Unless she has relatives looking after her DC, she is likely to be paying out £800+ a month for a young child at nursery. This is a massive cut in disposable income for the family, and I'm sure they have had to make cutbacks to afford it.

I also think that if both parents work full time, it's quite normal to feel they deserve a few luxuries eg holidays, bought lunches, in compensation for what she presumably feel is a compromise.

Having said that, YANBU to find it annoying! It's likely she feels it's a compliment and she is jealous that you (in her eyes) do not 'need' the luxuries that she probably sees as necessities.

Arisbottle · 25/06/2013 19:31

Yes she shouldn't be moaning, but why is it an insult to be told that you are lucky . I think women who get to choose to be a SAHM are very lucky, that is not a dig at them in any way. I am lucky to have a job I enjoy, if someone said that to me I would agree and certainly not be insulted.

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 19:43

There is something very smug about deciding that you haven't been lucky to get where you are. Of course hardwork and sacrifice matter, but so much of life is beyond an individuals control that to imply nothing in your life is down to luck good or bad is a big claim.

Also arabesque this thread is related to women in the workplace, the implicit assumptions many posters seemed to make about work for a woman being a choice implies a natural order of a household with a male breadwinner. It just makes me a bit sad that in 2013 so many women view theirs and other women's income as 'pin money'

morethanpotatoprints · 25/06/2013 19:56

MrsLyman.

I would hate to think of any part of my life being out of my control, what a weird concept. We mostly all have the same choices in life, yes almost everybody, apart from obviously those who have had a most disastrous event befall them.
Well I must be smug then because the choices I have made in life have "Luckily" given me the life I wanted. Nothing to do with making sacrifices, good management, and working hard to get there. Its not all about working for an employer, sometimes working on your own situation and planning helps just a bit Grin

Arisbottle · 25/06/2013 20:01

Morethan I have worked hard most of my life and that has been a factor in the fact that I have a food standard of living but it is luck that turns that hard work into financial or emotional gain.

I am also lucky to be born clever , lucky that whenever I have applied for a job there has never been a better candidate . Lucky that I was born in this country when I was. Lucky that my children have been born healthy.

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 20:10

morethanpotatoprints not being able to control something is very different to being out of control.

No one is in control of every aspect of their life, you can work hard and position yourself to take advantage of opportunities when they come along granted but unless you're a hermit then you are always somewhat dependent on others. Even running your own business won't make you immune to this, there's the big client that goes bust, the employee that may let you down, markets heading in unexpected directions etc

morethanpotatoprints · 25/06/2013 20:13

Arisbottle.

It was looking after our money and learning how to manage it that turned it into financial gain, I haven't worked post dc. Emotional gain was knowing what sort of man I wanted through trial and error and working at the relationship. Neither of those were down to luck. The mistakes I have made in life were either ill informed decisions, wrong choices etc. Not bloody bad luck. Personally imo believing in luck good or bad is the reason so many people feel they aren't in control of their lives. But as I say just my opinion

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 20:17

Thinking you are in total control of your life is just a fool hardy as believing everything is down to 'luck' there is a middle ground.

Arisbottle · 25/06/2013 20:18

I feel in control of my choices but acknowledge that luck is a factor.

I chose my husband and he was a good choice , I was lucky that he felt the same way as me and that he was single .

We have made prudent financial decisions but we are lucky that we earn enough to have the freedom to save.

If you say that your success is purely down to your wise choices you are saying that those who have less than you are in that predicament because they are lazy or stupid.