Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To think this colleague could be a SAHM if she wanted to be

147 replies

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 11:26

I work part time and a woman I work with is always sighing and saying 'Oh you're sooo lucky you get to stay at home with your children.' Oh, I'd love to be a stay at home mum', 'oh sigh' 'oh woe' etc.

I have every sympathy with mothers who would love to stay at home but can't afford to, and equally no problem with mothers who would go demented at home and prefer to go out to work.

But this woman, constantly moaning about 'having to go to work' is taking the whole family to Florida this Summer, drives an expensive car, arrives in every monring with a takeaway latte in hand, buys her lunch every day at a costly deli down the road, and thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a hand bag or a pair of shoes. It's her money, she can do what she likes with it, but I'm fed up of her doing a martyr act and making out I'm much luckier than her. No, I'm not. We will be sharing a house in the country with my sister and her family for our Summer holidays; we drive an old car; I make my own sandwiches for work and have never owned a really expensive bag or pair of shoes. That's why I can afford to work part time.

AIBU to think this woman enjoys coming to work but just wants to make out it's a huge sacrifice to get sympathy and attention?

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 25/06/2013 15:12

Lasvegas.

You can see that you don't need all the money you earn though. You know how much your essentials cost. There are many who believe they need 50k when they only need 25k and then moan they have to work all these hours to survive, which isn't what you are saying at all.

Doingthesplitz

I too don't understand why the lifestyle choices you make suddenly make you lucky. I hear that I have a life of luxury because I choose to be s sahm. We would be a lot worse off financially and personally if I worked.

jellybeans · 25/06/2013 15:13

YANBU I get this all the time off a couple of people. Both own two houses, holiday abroad many times a year, posh clothes, 2 or 3 cars etc whereas DH and I share a car, usually holiday in the UK etc. I don't get it really but just nod and look sympathetic. Maybe they genuinely believe that they cannot afford to give up work? Maybe they are in debt or poor at budgets? Or maybe their husband/partner is reluctant to scale back the spending to allow them to stay home. Or maybe they feel it is more socially acceptable than saying they don't want to stay home (one admitted that was the case when drunk). Maybe also in their circles they are the 'poorer' ones. In any case it is annoying!

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 15:18

Hi, I'm happy to be brought up on what I've posted by name, you don't have to refer to me as a 'certain poster'.

My problem with your initial and subsequent post is that you are making a lot of assumptions about this woman. I have no doubt that her moaning to you is annoying, but you are fortunate that your current circumstances have allowed you to make the choices that you have made. Whilst she may have the same opportunity as you for part-time working, the circumstances in the rest of her life are no doubt very different to yours. So in short, YABU to assume that she could be SAHM if she wanted to be just by cutting down on foreign holidays.

My problem with a lot of the other posters on this thread is the sanctimonious 'we do without so I can look after our children' tone that they take.

HazleNutt · 25/06/2013 15:19

I earn more than we really need, but as some others have said, there really isn't a part time option. Either I work full time and yes, also have nice cars, holidays and other luxuries, or I don't work and we would not be able to afford the essentials. With some jobs, there isn't really the "work only the hours you need to earn enough to live on" option.

becscertainstar · 25/06/2013 15:20

I understand how annoying that must be doingthesplitz. With my annoying colleague (mentioned upthread) I came close to yelling at her. I'm so relieved that I don't work with her any more.

Original poster

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 15:24

Eh, where did I say she could be a SAHM 'just by cutting down on foreign holidays'.? I have listed just 'some' of the things she spends money on that are non essentials (and for which you also criticised me) but there are loads more.

As I said, I have no problem with how she spends her money, my problem is with her implying that I have it much easier than her when I don't. I don't know if she's working full time because she doesn't enjoy being at home; or because she really likes her job; or because she wants to have plenty of disposable income and treat herself and her family to nice things. All of them are valid reasons to work, but it doesn't make her a put upon, forced to go out and work even though she'd much rather be at home person, while her part time colleagues are all lucky ducks who have the easier life. That is the point I'm trying to make.

OP posts:

louloutheshamed · 25/06/2013 15:27

My pil are v wealthy and gave us a large sum towards a deposit for a house when I married dp 6 years ago. As a result, we live in a house that other people on our salaries could not afford. They also stipulated as part of the 'deal' that we had to get a mortgage for x amount so that we had an 'incentive to work hard'.

This means I live in a large house, but I work still need to work full time. I know people sometimes judge me thinking why don't you downsize and go to 3 days a week or whatever, but they don't know the situation.

There might be all kinds of reasons she isn't a sahm, as people have pointed out.

Maybe she actually enjoys work and wouldn't like to be a sahm but feels she has to pretend she would. I have felt like this in the past too tbh.

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 15:29

Eh, where did I say she could be a SAHM 'just by cutting down on foreign holidays'.?

In the title of this thread and then in your first post.

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 15:30

Actually I'm sorry you may have also said she need to spend less on lattes and handbags.

Original poster

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 15:31

No, I didn't.

OP posts:

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 15:34

Seriously?

The title of this thread is To think this colleague could be a SAHM if she wanted to be you then go on to list all of the things that you think she could do without spending her money on as you have so that she could be a SAHM.

What am I missing?

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 15:36

Sorry that should read

...her money on, same as you have, so that she could be a SAHM.

janey68 · 25/06/2013 15:40

Maybe she doesn't deep down want to give up her career... Maybe she's happy overall with the status quo... It's annoying when people moan, but frankly people inclined to it are just moaners generally and their complaints are rarely about a specific issue but more that they are one of life's glass half empty people.
I would ignore or change the subject, certainly not agonise over her lifestyle or choices

Original poster

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 15:41

MrsLynam

I'm really not going to argue with you anymore. You seem to be deliberately misinterpreting my post in order to get up on some hobby horse you have about women in the workplace, which is a totally separate issue.

OP posts:

morethanpotatoprints · 25/06/2013 15:48

MrsLynam.

Yes people have said they do without things so they can choose to be a sahm, what is wrong with that ffs.
The OP was pointing out that if it was that important to her colleague i.e moaning about her life, then she could do something about it by cutting out none essential items. That is just fact and nowhere has the OP or anybody else been judgemental about peoples choices to work or sah. The main comments are about people moaning and those believing they NEED more money than they actually do and then moaning.

shewhowines · 25/06/2013 15:52

FGS, listen to what the op is saying.

People can make whatever choices they want and may have to make sacrifices of some sort - but in this case the ops choices involves sacrifices too.

If you have to work for basic essentials then you would be entitled to think that other people are lucky to have the choice. Like wise, if you are a SAHM and still you able to maintain a similar lifestyle as someone else who is working, then that person may be justified in saying you are lucky.

But in this instance there is a definite difference in lifestyles so the op is not "lucky". It is a choice she made involving sacrifice and it appears the colleague could do the same. (good point about only needing a % though and earning more.)

I also know a lot of people who "have to work" because their partner would not be happy to let them SAH.

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 15:54

doingthesplitz how am I misinterpreting your post you asked if you were being unreasonable to

To think this colleague could be a SAHM if she wanted to be

And why start a thread about women in the workplace if you don't want to have a conversation about women in the workplace

Original poster

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 15:54

Thank you shewhowines

OP posts:

MrsLyman · 25/06/2013 16:00

Look, I get that the OPs colleague is annoying, moaners are annoying.

But, the OP is BU to think that her colleague could become a SAHM simply by making the same choices that she has done, because the OP knows nothing about the rest of the OPs circumstances.

Yes, everyone has a choice, but not everyone has the same choices.

becscertainstar · 25/06/2013 16:02

I don't think it is a thread about women in the workplace at all, it's a thread about people who moan.

It could have read..
AIBU to think this woman could go skydiving if she wanted to?
My colleague says I'm so lucky because I go skydiving. But she spends loads of money on lattes and handbags and cars and holidays in Florida, so she could afford to give up some of that and go skydiving. And my company runs a skydiving scheme so she could do it. But she never does, she just goes on and on about how lucky I am that I go skydiving.

or it could have read...
AIBU to think this woman could be a WOHM if she wanted to?
This woman at the school gates goes on about how lucky I am because I work. But she's well-qualified, has family nearby and the school runs and after school club. If she doesn't want to work, fair enough, but she just goes on and on about how lucky I am that I work, when she doesn't.

or it could have read...
AIBU to think that this woman could run a marathon if she wanted to?
This woman keeps going on about how lucky I am that I've run a marathon. But she doesn't have any disabilities, has childcare after school, and could run one. She'd have to make sacrifices and train every day but she doesn't do it. She just moans on and on about how lucky I am.

Correct me if I'm wrong OP, but that's how I read it. (And YANBU because as mentioned above, such people annoy me so very, very much).

Original poster

doingthesplitz · 25/06/2013 16:07

You are not wrong becs, it's the moaning and martyring about something she has control over that's annoying me and the refusal to recognise that the people who 'are so lucky' have actually made sacrifices to get to do what they want, they didn't just 'get lucky'.

OP posts:

missnevermind · 25/06/2013 16:08

My sister is envious of the fact I am a SAHM.
She has a car, lots of weekends away a year, 2/3 foreign holidays a year. Out every weekend partying and eating out. Buys food at M&S.

I haven't had a foreign holiday in 12 years, we live on Tesco value food, no car. Didn't even go out for a meal on my birthday. The last time we went away was to Butlins for a weekend 2 years ago.

She wouldn't swap with me for the world. But it doesn't stop her being envious of the fact I am a SAHM

arabesque · 25/06/2013 16:16

Mslynam

The Op didn't start a thread about women in the workplace. She started a thread about someone whining that they couldn't work part time like the OP when actually they have lots of stuff they can cut back on including foreign holidays, not 'just' foreign holidays.
It is an interesting point. I have a friend who absolutely has to go out to work so that she and dh can pay the mortgage and feed their children. She hates it and would love to stay at home and she gets really annoyed when people who are working because they want to and like having a certain lifestyle put themselves in the same boat as her.

She has all the disadvantages of going to work, (leaving the children, long commute, job she doesn't really like) but none of the advantages such as purchasing nice things and treats for herself and her children or being able to afford extra classes and activities for them.

That does not mean that she disapproves of women who can afford to stay at home going out to work; she just feels it's a different situation to hers because they have a choice in the matter and she doesn't.

ColinFirthsGirth · 25/06/2013 16:17

This used to annoy me too OP. A good number of people use to say this to me too when my husband was bringing in a low wage and we scrimped on lots of things. The people telling me this were often earning double or tripple what we were living on. Yes we don't know peoples full circumstances but many SAHM have had to make large sacrifices in order to stay at home with their children.

Squitten · 25/06/2013 16:20

If she's continuously saying that kind of stuff to you, why don't you reply with "Well, shy don't you be a SAHM if tht's what you want to do?"

See what she answers you with. It might surprise you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6