Do I send him to school?

[mamateur]

What has to happen for your child to take the day off school sick?

DS, Y10, has been bouncing around all weekend, now says he feels 'queasy', too sick even to get out of bed and have something to eat. We said he would have to go to the doctor if he was that sick, he says he will go. I haven't taken his temperature yet. HOping for quick responses.

Xylem, my point is that he is clearly not so ill that he couldn't get out of bed. Even when I've had flu, which is hideous, I have been able to get up, feeling awful and stagger about. He claimed he was unable to get up, which I don't believe was true and if it was, it would indicate some very serious illness which would properly freak him out and he would require assistance to get him to the car.

Yoni I will be trying that later.

I think it is very sad that your default setting is to assume your child is a liar
I have 3 at secondary school andf my default setting is to believe them unless there is evidence to the contrary.

Well, said it is then Xylem. Try taking in a school refusing teen of your own, then judge me.

Well hopefully we all know our own children best. The OP obviously thinks her son is not immune to angling for a day off, I know that DS1 only wants to stay home if genuinely under the weather even if this doesn't involve a temperature, coughing or other obvious symptoms of illness. DS2 , on the other hand, is a whole other story!

i wouldnt send my kids to school if they hated it so much they had to lie to me to stay at home..

ambersocks - and you think I would?

Some teenagers do this sometimes, it's really not that big a revelation. It doesn't mean they're unhappy at school. If he was unhappy at school I would hope I would find out about it pretty quickly because we talk.

School refusing isn't a choice a child makes, it's a cry for help. So for me he was feeling ill and so should be at home or he was school refusing and you need to be looking for reasons why that might be so.
I think it's sad though that you prefer to believe he is lying or lazy than consider any other possibility.

Well, I'm sure you think it's sad that I think that, but it is actually what I think and I don't find it all . It's a pragmatic way of parenting. I don't think he's bad for doing it, I think we all try it on sometimes.

I also disagree with your description of school refusing. DN once refused school, one morning before he came to live with us. He said he didn't want to go because he'd argued with a friend, so he wasn't made to. It was nothing terrible and he would have got over it by lunchtime. He didn't go back for days, there were visits to the school, liaisons with other children, sessions set up. Days stretched into months. He never went back to that school and his confidence suffered terribly. Since he has been with us I have forced him to do things he didn't want to do, but which were good for him. From doing them he has grown massively in confidence and self esteem. So much so that his previous school head of year wrote to me and said seeing a child change so much was what he came into teaching for. And it wasn't that he wasn't loved in his previous home, he was adored. Sometimes you have to push a child.

..and that was 4 years ago OP. And even then he was telling the truth about why he didn't want to go, not pretending to be ill.
you don't sound very kind at all

Yes, he was telling the truth - he told his parent (not me). When a child is telling the truth about not wanting to go to school, you have two options. Just let them not go to school and let the days pass, the problem worsen. Or you can deal with the problem, so the child comes out the other side with a growing sense that they can deal with whatever happens to them and that you will help them do it. You clearly have some issue with this, please don't project it on to me.

OP - For future reference, you need to make friends with your router. You can block by device (by MAC address) - so you could cut off his internet access and only his. That would soon flush him out if he is trying it on.

Each to their own I suppose, I just think there are kinder ways to encourage a child to grow. I'd hazard a guess you will be far less harsh with your own child though.

insanity that is a truly vile comment. I suggest you go out and foster some teenagers, then come back when you've learnt a thing or two.

Thanks Stealth, handy to know.

- child doesn't want to get out of bed on one Monday morning does not equal school refusing with deep seated issues, FGS.

I don't want to get out of bed on Monday mornings. I hate Monday mornings. I don't hate my job and I am not being bullied. I just hate Monday mornings. My mother used the "bore you into submission" method - if you were ill, you stayed in bed. If you were trying it on (and what child doesn't, occasionally?) you would give in and get up by mid morning.

I hope if he's genuinely ill that he's feeling better, but I don't think you should feel bad for assuming there isn't anything wrong with him. Bright eyed and bushy tailed over the weekend, plus sudden onset of a mysterious, vague, 'just not feeling well'-ness come Monday morning, plus refusal to even get up or engage with you strikes me as a bit of a faker.

It sounds as if he's had a rough time. Perhaps he feels he can get some sympathy and attention by being ill?

Thanks Stuntgirl. He has perked up this evening, have had a chat with him about things you can do to make yourself feel better if you wake up feeling a bit rough, as it is such a part of life.

I have four of my own, well actually three of them aren't teens anymore so don't need to foster any thanks. They've all turned out great though despite always being treated with empathy and respect.

I turned out great too, and my mum sent me to school come what may. She's pretty great as well, before you start insinuating she lacks human emotion too.

insanity it's hard to find more clumsy, less insightful comment than yours here "I'd hazard a guess you will be far less harsh with your own child though".

You are not willing to foster, that's fine. I don't foster either actually, I just gave a child a home. But when a teenager comes into your home, already rebellious and in great need of a guide in life then the last thing you do is follow their every whim. That is not respect and empathy. You have no idea how frightened a child can be when they think the adults in their life is following, rather than leading them.

If my child, at 15, tries it on and doesn't want to go to school, I might handle things differently, because our relationship will be different. I can only parent the best way I can, but I try to be very natural with him, because not being so will make him feel I am treating him differently, and the last thing he wants is to feel different.

Your confusion seems to be that you think empathy and respect is somehow tied up in believing everything they say. It really isn't. The conversation we had this evening, about today, will show and generate far more respect than just saying righty-ho, take the day off, this morning would have done.

Fgs a teen trying to swing a day at home is nothing new, I did it, my ten year old has tried it on occasionally, it does not necessarily mean that there are problems at school that mean they are refusing and up you have q big problem, they can jsit be trying it on as kids do sometimes.

Op hope its just a one off, you have done a lovely thing in taking on a rebellious teen, its not sometign everyone would do and it sound smoke you have managed to forge a good relationship with him xx

My dd2 is quite fond of 'Monday-morning-itis'!