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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the inlaws to make an effort?

44 replies

SouthStar · 24/06/2013 00:59

We live about 2 hrs away from the oh's side of the family and back in January after all of them (nan, step grandad, stepnan and grandad) not making contact on our daughters 4th birthday I asked the oh to have a word with them about making more of an effort with me and in turn the kids (4 & 5yrs old).
The oh works away and only gets home on the weekends sometimes not at all. so I thought it would just be nice once in awhile for them to drop me a text asking how I'm doing or how the kids are coping with their dad away etc.
The oh made a good point that as they are all on my fb they prob feel they know everything going on anyway... To prove his point I came off Facebook!
Now in June and still not one single text or call.... They speak to the oh about once a week as he rings them and they always ask him about me and the kids. We have also been down to visit so its not a case of no contact at all.

So anyway oh isn't home this weekend and last night we are texting away and I bring up the fact that his parents know our daughter is poorly so why haven't I heard from anyone to see how she is!?
This resulted in our first big bust up in 7yrs!
Me asking why they haven't contacted me translated into they are bad parents and do not love their grandkids...
I didn't back down, wether I was right to or not as oh is away with work for 9 months soon, so what then? Are they just not going to know how the kids are for 9months.

They are actually amazing grandparents despite me no doubt painting them in a bad light, the kids adore them, when we visit they always have days out planned and the fridge is stocked with the kids fave foods so they are in no way not interested in the kids.... So why no calls or texts when we go months without seeing them!?

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or am I right in saying they should atleast text once in awhile just to make contact if nothing else!?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 24/06/2013 01:09

Are you unable to contact them then?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 24/06/2013 01:10

Two things:

Your partner is in regular contact, his family get updates thataway

Do you ever ring them, just for a natter? They might think the status quo is what you want, and are reluctant to impose on you

Alternatively they could be ignorant gits, I kinda doubt it though

Er, gang on, that was three things, oops

missingmumxox · 24/06/2013 01:15

because they talk to your Dh, My In laws don't speak to me either, but they know what is going on through Dh, I am fine with that, I don't really dislike them I just don't know them and we all feel awkward, we live 8 hours away from them and I have been married for 15 years,. let it go, you will not be the Walton's at a 2 hour distance, remember the important relationship is your children and their Dad's family and they seem to have that.

Original poster

SouthStar · 24/06/2013 01:16

No, I do text. I'd say about once a fortnight. Example, last week the oh asked me to set up a fb profile just for family to be able to see the kids videos from school plays and sport days. Obviously as the school has rules on posting videos with other children in he suggested making a profile purely so family could see them. I text the mil to let her know and the reply I got was "ok".

OP posts:

Montybojangles · 24/06/2013 06:23

Why are you making this such a big deal? All families have different dynamics, and different ideas of what constitutes regular contact. I speak/txt/FB my close family daily, OH speaks to his every 1-2 weeks. Neither are wrong, just different.

If you want contact with them then I think you need to be initiating it. Or speak to them about it, why do you keep hassling your OH? he is not responsible for his families contact habits.

Finola1step · 24/06/2013 06:29

I think the level of communication sounds fairly normal to me. They speak to oh regularly, get updates from him etc.
They have access to your fb newsfeed.

They just don't see the need for anymore. It's nothing personal to do with you, it's just the way they are. They have contact, they make an effort but just not in the way you expect. So yes, YABU.

Wishfulmakeupping · 24/06/2013 06:36

Yanbu in my opinion I think it's nice that you want to kids to see more of your in-laws. They do seem like they are not putting in enough effort to me

littlestressy · 24/06/2013 06:40

You could ring/text them. My ils don't phone/text me, my oh speaks to them regularly so they get family updates that way. Think YABU about this.

Roshbegosh · 24/06/2013 06:43

But why should it be an effort.
They love the children and vice versa you say, and they make a big effort with them when they meet. They do have their own lives though and if they have to be cajoled to contact you it just becomes a tedious chore and they do speak to your OH anyway. You sound a bit precious to me.
You are making it into a problem when they have a healthy relationship already and as I said, lives of their own.

exoticfruits · 24/06/2013 06:47

Maybe they are not into FB and texting. Why not just phone them up for a chat or invite them over or suggest an outing together? Maybe she reads MN and is frightened of being seen as 'intrusive' or 'interfering'!

bragmatic · 24/06/2013 06:52

Do your parents have a phone/text/FB relationship with your husband?

My MIL used to give me a bit of grief about me never calling her. I pointed out that there was no societal expectation that her son phone or drop in on my mother.

NewAtThisMalarky · 24/06/2013 07:35

Bragmatic has said what I was going to say.

It strikes me as reasonable that they communicate with your family via their son. It's nice if dil develops strong relationship with the in-laws so that both sides communicate with each other, but it isn't essential.

I would love to know if your Dh communicates with your family independently of you.

CloudsAndTrees · 24/06/2013 07:58

You sound needy. If they are speaking to their son every week and finding out how the dc are trough him, why do they need to text and ask you as well just to get exactly the same information?

You have said they are good grandparents, what more do you want?

YABU to tell them to make an effort. You do not get to boss them around just because you are a mother of their grandchildren.

Justforlaughs · 24/06/2013 08:08

I'd make the most of the fact that if they don't contact you, you can't row! I admit that if they have a great relationship with your DCs then it might be nice if they had more contact, but they do live 2 hours away (what joy that must be!! ). Why not encourage your DC's to ring them up every now and again?

I've just had a thought, I don't suppose you are my SIL, are you?

jessjessjess · 24/06/2013 09:07

You sound a bit passive aggressive. If you want to speak to them more, why don't you call them or invite them over?

ssd · 24/06/2013 09:11

do your parents contact your oh regularly?

thought not

TwasBrillig · 24/06/2013 09:14

Sounds quite odd that you'd expect them too to be honest!!

CadleCrap · 24/06/2013 09:23

I would cringe if my FIL phoned for a natter. The conversation would probably go

FIL "Hi Cadle"

Me "Hello FIL"

FIL "How are you?"

Me "Fine. And you?

FIL "Fine"

FIL "Ok bye then"

Me "bye"

We're not chatty people on the phone

Original poster

SouthStar · 24/06/2013 13:53

Wow, there are some pretty spiteful ppl on here isn't there! Maybe you could tone down your craziness and try replying without the judgemental bitterness!

Those non crazies ty for the helpful replies.

Firstly yes, my husband talks to my parents, brother, aunty and nan, every other day I'd say.

I honestly don't consider asking my husband why no one called on my daughters birthday and 7 months later why no one has asked how she has recovered hassling him. I think it's strange that when your daughter in law tells you your granddaughter is seriously ill that 5 days later you haven't checked in to see how things are. And that's without hubby speaking to them.

Fair enough I don't call as much as I should, im a texter but I atleast make the effort.

Maybe if my oh was home every night it wouldn't even enter my mind but like at the moment he hasn't been home in two months so surly it would be better to speak to me to see how the kids are.

OP posts:

HappyAsEyeAm · 24/06/2013 14:09

Is your relationship (and your children's relationships) with your side of the family different? Do they see more of them, are they more involved in your children's lives etc?

Because if that is the case, you may be comparing the involvement and interest your side of the family take in you and your DC and thinking that it doesn't compare well.

I find that my own parents are much more involved in mine, DH's and our DC's lives than my ILs are. Which doesn't mean that they don't care, or that they don't love us/them. Its just different.

A lot of what you're saying rings true to me, and I could cite you some examples along similar lines. But don't torment yourself. People don't change, and I would imagine that they wouldn't see anything remotely strange about their behaviour. Everyone is different.

I know what type of person I would like to be though, and what I would like to be able to offer my future DIL (long way of!) and GC, for their benefit and for mine.

Original poster

SouthStar · 24/06/2013 14:09

Sorry just re read a reply, I did get the kids to ring the mil but she said it was annoying so i havent done it since lol I totally get why as my kids can talk the hind legs off a donkey.

OP posts:

Original poster

SouthStar · 24/06/2013 14:12

Actually you could be onto something there happyaseyeam. We brought our house a few yrs ago and moved closer to my family due to the difference in cost with the two areas.
I've never thought of it like that as i can't remember being bothered about it when we lived away from both sides.

Thank you, that has certainly given me food for thought.

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 24/06/2013 14:21

You DO sound a bit needy, telling your husband to tell them to make more contact. Why on earth would they need to check up on an adult just because their partner is at work over the weekend? Just because you don't like to be told these things doesn't make them nasty.

2rebecca · 24/06/2013 14:21

Did they send your kids presents/ cards for their birthdays? In our family it's usually the present recipient who phones the giver on their birthday, so as kids we had a list of relatives to phone. This wasn't necessarily done on the day as that was sometimes chaotic. I rarely phone my nephews on their birthday as I know their parents have enough to do.
If they don't even bother with a card or present then they sound uncaring.
In some respects you sound needy expecting them to keep phoning and asking after you if they are speaking to their son weekly.
Do you need to find more friends? My inlaws rarely phone me in particular and my dad rarely phones to chat to my husband. I'd find your family's daily contact OTT and oppressive.
Do you phone them and ask for updates on their minor illnesses ?
I dislike phonecalls so don't phone more than I have to.
You sound a bit lonely but this isn't your inlaws problem, it's yours.

jacks365 · 24/06/2013 14:22

At 4 & 5 your children can't really have a meaningful telephone call with grandma so it would be annoying, couple of minutes chatting in the middle of a call to another adult fine but not just them on the call. I wouldn't expect a phone call for a 4th birthday it would be added into regular calls which they do with your oh.

You come across as the children being yours and only yours. I assume your oh is fully up to date with them even when working away so why is he unable to keep them updated? Why does it have to be you?

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