To tell the inlaws to make an effort?

[SouthStar]

We live about 2 hrs away from the oh's side of the family and back in January after all of them (nan, step grandad, stepnan and grandad) not making contact on our daughters 4th birthday I asked the oh to have a word with them about making more of an effort with me and in turn the kids (4 & 5yrs old).
The oh works away and only gets home on the weekends sometimes not at all. so I thought it would just be nice once in awhile for them to drop me a text asking how I'm doing or how the kids are coping with their dad away etc.
The oh made a good point that as they are all on my fb they prob feel they know everything going on anyway... To prove his point I came off Facebook!
Now in June and still not one single text or call.... They speak to the oh about once a week as he rings them and they always ask him about me and the kids. We have also been down to visit so its not a case of no contact at all.

So anyway oh isn't home this weekend and last night we are texting away and I bring up the fact that his parents know our daughter is poorly so why haven't I heard from anyone to see how she is!?
This resulted in our first big bust up in 7yrs!
Me asking why they haven't contacted me translated into they are bad parents and do not love their grandkids...
I didn't back down, wether I was right to or not as oh is away with work for 9 months soon, so what then? Are they just not going to know how the kids are for 9months.

They are actually amazing grandparents despite me no doubt painting them in a bad light, the kids adore them, when we visit they always have days out planned and the fridge is stocked with the kids fave foods so they are in no way not interested in the kids.... So why no calls or texts when we go months without seeing them!?

Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Or am I right in saying they should atleast text once in awhile just to make contact if nothing else!?

Firstly you ask AIBU, but when people do have a different opinion to you- you call them spiteful!
secondly, I think you expect far too much of people.If your dh is ringing his family every couple of days, surely they think he will update them on a condition of a sick child.
Finally you say they didn't call on your DDs 4th b/day - so what about all of the 8 other b/days she and her sister have had? Did they acknowledge them, did they not at least ask you dh to pass on their best wishes?

No, they don't send presents. They keep them at their house until we can visit. My husband had a relationship with my folks before me and him got together so their contact is their contact.

If wanting to have a better relationship with my inlaws makes me needy and and lonely then I guess so lol.

Just to clear up two months is slightly different to a weekend. Yea It would be nice for them to say how are u getting on but that's not the point I am making. And it's not being told something I don't like, it's the way in which people word it like they are something special. Why should I have to deal with crappy comments because they are incapable of replying in a decent manner. Others have managed it just fine.

They are just different from your own family.

I probably phone my parents and sister once a week or two. My brother a couple of times a year if that. I visit 3 times year. My parents never phone me. My sister only texts me if she has a specific question. For whatever reason it's 'my job' to phone. It is how it is and why would I bother my arse getting worked up about it. Birthday cards are regularly late. We all get on fine. No fall outs. We enjoy each other's company etc.

I'm godmother to a friend's children. Her family are on the phone to each other every day and then some, usually driving each other mad and arguing. I think she imagined that I'd change to be more like her and on the phone all the time. I'm not. I've got my own time commitments and other things I need to do for me. And I just end up resenting the little comments etc about kids asking when they are going to see me and feeling guilty all the time.

You can't force people to be closer or feel differently from how they do.

If you didn't have your own family for support then I could understand you feeling put out that they don't offer support with your DP being away a lot but it sounds like you do. It would drive me mad to have as many phone calls and texts as I have the impression you get.

I honestly have no problem with being told I'm wrong. The reason I posted this on here is because my husband is a very fair man so the fact that I wasn't seeing it from him pov made me think yes I'm making a big deal out of nothing but when your both close to a situation it's hard to tell iykwim.

If I thought I was right end of I wouldn't have even asked for advise so I wasn't expecting oh yes ur spot on etc etc. but seeing how I didn't slate my in laws I explained they are great grandparents I'm not doubting that I don't see the need for people to be so flipping rude in their replays, like they get off on trying to make someone feel small.

My parents never ring the DC on their birthdays (it would never occur to them do so).

They would never ring up to see how they were if they were ill.

They are not uninterested, just don't go in for the day to day "Niceties" that some families do.

My in-laws, on the other hand make a big deal of everything.

I expect that your family are like my in-laws so you expect the big deal of everything. As DH doesn't find it unusual, I'm guessing that he understands this is just how is parents are.

And as some PPs have said, if you want to talk to your in-laws then ring them up and speak to them!! They could as equally be mumbling that you never make any effort to speak to them - it's always via DH (neither my family OR my in-laws would consider the odd text to be keeping in touch).

My mil defiantly wouldn't offer support with regards to my oh being away, not in a bad way but I have a good support network around me who lives the same with their oh's being away so she knows I wouldn't need that sort of support from her.

I guess because I know what my oh is like on the phone, it's like talking to a teenager with the grunting and talking to ppl in the back ground so in my mind I'm thinking he doesn't tell them the important things or anything at all lol, maybe he does.

Anyway thank you for all the advise, I guess the oh is right for once and I just need to accept that they just do it differently wether I agree with it or not.

I guess it's also worth point out that you are obviously a person who likes texting, so you consider texting to be like chatting.

I'm not a person who likes to text. I reserve texting for short practical messages. People who know me realise this and don't attempt to send me chatty messages. IF they don't, they will get the shortest possible polite response. I would never send anyone a chatty text or a "how are you" type text.

Sounds like your in-laws don't like texting either. So they treat your texts as "SouthStar has sent us some information" rather than the start of the conversation you may have meant them to be. And it wouldn't cross their mind to text you, because there's no practical info they need you to know - and if there were it would go via DH.

The keeping presents until they see the kids would piss me off. That's OK with adults but kids like to have stuff on their birthdays and I think it's quite selfish not to post presents so they get their in time.
ON MN others have disagreed with me playing the "oh I want to see the expression on their ickle faces" card, but to me the present should be about the recipient not the giver.
Their way seems designed to manipulate you into visiting.

I don't see where anyone has been rude, and you do sound a bit needy and precious TBH and I'm sorry if that offends you but you asked for opinions. Not everyone wants to live in each others pockets so to speak.

No I didn't ask for opinions I asked whether I was making a big deal out of nothing! Not whether i sounded needy or lonely lol. But if you picking at ppl on a forum gets u through the day then so be it!

2rebecca The present thing doesn't really bother me tbh as we have been living abroad so even family members who have posted stuff, 50% of it turned up late or not at all. I guess it's also the same for the grandparents, as they brought the presents they prob want to see their faces too.

Redskyatnight, I think your spot on about making a big deal of everything. As the oh misses so much, he asks me for a play by play of the kids day and what he most likely thinks are the important things to know are no doubt mind numbing to everyone else! Oh god I'm one of those parents... claps erratically at ds blowing his nose with a tissue

' I think it's quite selfish not to post presents so they get their in time.'

It's strange actually that the present thing doesn't bother me but a phone call does lol. Maybe it's because when they didn't send presents while we were abroad they would call on the day instead but just didn't bother with either when we moved home for whatever reason.

I think you're over thinking it and expecting too much. My PIL tend to just dwaddle along with life and then their other DIL explodes because she thinks they aren't doing enough to make her feel important. Results in an upset MIL and dh gets annoyed because his mum is upset.

My MIL usually just replies to my texts with information with "OK" My mum would write a spiel, but they are different and at least MIL has acknowledged me.

Yes you do sound a bit needy. Are you maybe a bit bored? That can make you over think stuff and without other interests we can lose perspective a bit about what's important and how important our family is in the wider scheme of things.

I mean that in the gentlest way possible.

My DP works away quite a lot.
I'd generally expect DP to keep his parents updated and me to do the same for my DM, if either side ring for a chat they speak to both of us and they always address emails to us both but I'd be quite surprised if they just called me to see (for example) how this pregnancy is going. They always ask DP how I am and if I needed them they would be there.

So I think YABU here.

Could you suggest Skype rather than phone calls, with grandchildren scattered across the globe I know that DPILs find this a nice way to catch up and not as pressured as a phone call.

Yea you could be right, see there are nice ways to say it lol.
Unfortunately having one child still in pre school and running a business life is boring at times. My circle of friends aren't at the children stage in life yet so although they all pile in for Chinese night it's not like I can go out as much as I'd like. Otherwise there would be a thread on here by my mum saying my daughter dumps her kids on me.

Parttimer, trying to set my mil and fil up on Skype is a whole other thread lol! We brought them all web cams, oh spent an hr n half trying to teach his dad then I tried for an hr.... Mil picked it up while we were there but as soon as we were gone she got confused lol.

I don't think you sound needy, passive aggressive or precious. As I said before, I understand where you are coming from. Are you a thoughtful person? I wonder if you are, and if you are a giving person, interested in other people and their lives. Because if you are, it can be really hard to understand how anyone, let lone, GPs can allow themselves to not to involved in their family members' lives. Especially when their son, and point of contact about them, is way. I think your DH's family sound thoughtless, selfish and inconsiderate. But I completely get that I am in the minority in thinking that.