Ex wants to take DD to Australia

[skippy84]

Looking for some honest opinions on this please. Ex and I split this time last year (his decision) we have a daughter who is two (three in October) since the split I have tried to facilitate as much contact between them as possible he has her a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week. It has been hard for me to have this much contact with him particularly early on when I was very hurt over the split but I have always been very conscious of not letting my feelings get in the way of them having a great relationship.

My dilemma is this; his only sister and her family emigrated last week to Australia for work. Since he found out about their plans he has been asking to take DD to Australia for two weeks in the winter to see them. I have told him from the start that I am not comfortable with this. I think she is too young to be away from her main caregiver for that length of time. The main reason is that it's too far away and I am terrified that i wouldn't be able to get to her in an emergency. Also I think a flight of that length is too much to ask of a very active toddler for the sake of a two week holiday. He is taking this badly and keeps pushing the subject. I wouldn't mind but when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year so it's not like they're particularly close. I have tried to be reasonable and even suggested if he was really set on it I would fly out with them and visit friends in another part of Australia for the two weeks just to get over my fear of her being so far away. He said he didn't want this either.

He brought this up again today and said he feels I am
just saying no to get at him or punish him for breaking up with me when this is really not the case at all. I feel like I have been so accommodating to him in all this and he just throws it back in my face because he can't get his own way in this scenario. I just wish he would accept my decision and stop pushing it.

AIBU?

[dopeysheep]

I think it's weird he wants to deal with a huge long haul flight with a toddler to visit a sister he has only seen a coupke of times a year when she lived up the road.
For two weeks,which is no time at all given travel times and jet lag.
Odd.


And OP I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It

[skippy84]

It's just so interesting the division of opinion when this was so black and white in my own head.

I did and do think I was saying no to put DD first but I think I may well it be as amicable as I thought and that certain things about our arrangement need to change. I don't think I would be hurting their relationship by making it more formal and regular as opposed to what we have at the moment. It really is like I've been trying to keep everything normal incase he changes his mind which is so sad and embarrassing

[thebody]

He sounds the selfish one here determined to get his own way and controlling to the extent of not being happy with your plan to go to Australia as well.

He fucked off, don't let him whine in your sofa till 11 pm, he has list that right.

Just say no she's too young and stop being always available for the twat.

[skippy84]

Zipzap they are going for the foreseeable future so she will obviously visit but just maybe not this year

[skippy84]

Also sorry for all the typos, am not illiterate just on the phone and a bit wound up

[HopHopHopSplash]

If she was school aged and not very clingy with you, then I would say YABU, but I agree 2 is too young. You have been very reasonable to offer to go and stay elsewhere but he seems to be too set on getting his own way to look at what will work best for DD.

I don't know your DD, or what her relationship with her dad is like, but practically is he used to doing sole care for long periods? If not then a huge flight and foreign country would not be a good place to learn this. What happens if after a few days she is hysterically missing you? it's too far away and she's too young to understand the concept of how long it will be until she sees you.

On a separate note, personally I'd be worried (probably slightly irrationally) about all the poisonous things living in Australia with my ex, as he takes a fairly none existent view on supervising!

[mummytime]

Could you make him a book of key phone numbers (Doctors, Creche, Dentist etc.)?
I would also make a regular arrangement of contact which needs to always be outside your home. He collects from the step (or front gate) and drops off there too. Do this as it is "less confusing for her". He needs to build up to 2 weeks contact and care giving for her full-time before he takes her for a 2 week holiday.
Keep a diary of how this goes. Yes to some flexibility in a real crisis, but generally he needs to be taking charge and she needs to be getting used to "being with Daddy".

You could even discuss issues such as "What happens when she is invited to a party on his weekend?". This is a real issue for a lot of children I know at school.

[BitOutOfPractice]

I don't think "formal" is the right word skippy. But I do think more strutured is the way to go.

exH and I have a very long-srtanding, very regular routine with the DC which everyone knows and suits the DC and our respective jobs. Not to say we don't play tunes on it. We do (for holidays. work committments, whatever) But it is agreed and settled and structured and it suits everyone well.

We get on very well and go out for dinner twce a year for the kids' birthdays and do each other little favours if we can. For isntance, he's got me an item from his work at trade price. I gave him a lift last week when his car was at the garage.

But we are not each other's emotional / practical first port of call if you know what I mean.

Good luck OP you sound like a lovely mom x

[skippy84]

Structured seems to be the way to go. I feel so lost in all this. My parents are still married and none of my friends have kids, really miss having a frame of reference sometimes

[happyhev]

I think you've been more than reasonable. 2yrs old is simply too young to take a child so far from it's mother. I would say the same if the genders were reversed. Perhaps you could offer to let your daughter go in a year or two, in the meantime perhaps her Dad could take her on some more local holidays.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

skippy honestly,she will be fine. Separated happy parents are better than miserable together parents. My brother can't even remember my parents living together and finds the idea laughable (they are very very different people)

I can understand it feels daunting, it's all a learning curve. But it's not as though you're saying he can't take her to Cornwall or even that he can't take her to Australia ever,just not this year.

[skippy84]

Thank you

[Goldmandra]

None of that is remotely relevant to the emotional or physical well being of the child when on holiday with her other parent.

No, of course not unless she needs those things on holiday. They are, however, a clear indicator of who is there for the child as the primary person who cares for and supports them on a daily basis and the person the child is most likely to rely on emotionally.

You can't claim to be taking equal care of a child of this age or be equally able to meet their needs alone for two weeks if you don't take on any of these responsibilities. That isn't to say that the child won't be fine with you of course but the experience would not be the same for the child at all.

[harverina]

In theory I suppose you Abu - but in practice there is no way I would be separated from my dd for 2 weeks at this age so I actually don't think that you are being unreasonable at all!

I think you have been very reasonable offering to go along too. I'm sure he perhaps likes the idea of having her to himself for the two weeks but in practice if you are the one who looks after her all the time she may not take a long separation away from you too well.

[allnewtaketwo]

"You can't claim to be taking equal care of a child of this age or be equally able to meet their needs alone for two weeks if you don't take on any of these responsibilities. That isn't to say that the child won't be fine with you of course but the experience would not be the same for the child at all".

The experience does not need to be the same for the child when with each parent. Mums and dads are different, do things different ways. My way is different to DH's way, and I do more of the tasks you describe, but it would be extremely arrogant ans misplaced for me to assume that DS wouldn't have as good a holiday with DH compared to with me. And the fact that I do more of those daily tasks in no way means DH wouldn't be able to take care of DS for 2 weeks without me. To think that would be more about how important I view myself rather than what DS needs

[TwinkleSparkleBling]

My DD is the same age (3 in December). She is not clingy and although she spends a lot of time with me, she is also frequently cared for my GP and DH.

However, there is NO way she would cope with not seeing me for 2 weeks. On this basis alone YANBU.

Do set some new boundaries with ExP though. He sounds like he's got one foot in with you and one his new single life. That's not fair on anyone.

[ChippingInWiredOnCoffee]

Why is he so keen to go and see his sister so soon when he barely saw her when she lived here?

Why only two weeks?

Why does he want to take DD when she doesn't really know his sister anyway?

It all seems a bit odd.

I've done the flight many times, there's no way in hell I'd want to do it with a 2/3 year old, for a 2 week holiday unless there was a bloody good reason for going and it was completely impossible to extend it.

Has he any idea of how long that flight seems with a small child and how patient would he be with her?

Would he leave her with people she doesn't really know to go out with his sister etc?

[Tooearlyintheday]

I'm wondering if perhaps I'm very naive but to me it genuinely sounds like this man dotes on his DD, is trying to be as decent a NRP as he can be and wants to take his DD on holiday with him. I'm not saying the OP is being unreasonable to object on a practical level to a 3 year old travelling so far for a relatively short stay but I'm surprised at the posters who are trying to attribute sinister motive to this man. Maybe he just genuinely, albeit without considering the full implications of an Australia trip, wants to share a holiday with his DD to visit family? Sure a shitty parent would just have told the OP that he was away on holiday and would be missing contact for the duration?

[Talkinpeace]

Once parents have split up they have to accept that they may not see their children every day.

So long as she knows she'll see mummy when the adventure to Australia is over, she'll be fine
you are putting thought processes into her head that do not exist

apparently when Mum and I arrived in this country I asked to see my Dad for a few weeks and then got on with life
when I was away for the summer I knew I'd see her come term time so did not worry at all.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Skippy we are feeling our way through this and yu sound like a really grounded, reasonable, lovely person and you'll make it work x

[HappyMummyOfOne]

He is an equal parent, he trusts you but because of his sex you dont give him the same credit.

Why should he not be able to take his own child on holiday, would you be happy if he refused you permission.

The default should be 50/50 shared care and holidays, men and women can be equal parents despite what some women would have you believe.

[AnneElliott]

OP I do not think UABU. It's a long way and she's so young. Why does he not try a week a bit closer to home and see how he gets on?

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

I went to NZ with work for 2 weeks when my youngest was 2. He stayed here with his dad. He was absolutely fine and so was I. We prepared him for it well in advance and I spoke to him every day. Every situation is different and my DS was in familiar surroundings but being apart from mum who was off having an adventure and who would be home soon was not an issue.

And we have been to NZ a couple of times with the kids for 2 week periods and it's fine. The jet lag is ok and it's not too short a time to bother.

I agree with you that you need to make your arrangements with you ex more structured and that there's too much having of cake and eating it going on if he feels he can offload till 11pm. Separated is separated. He needs to know this.

[Goldmandra]

men and women can be equal parents despite what some women would have you believe

Absolutely! Men can be primary care givers too just as easily as women.

There is absolutely no reason why the OP should have had to even remind her ex to phone the creche to let them know he wasn't bringing her in the next day, let alone have to provide the number for him to do so. He is perfectly capable of taking on that role but he hasn't because he is not the primary care giver or even an equal care giver. He is happy to allow the OP to take on that role.

She takes on the bulk of the responsibility for their child's well being and spends the majority of the her time with her. Therefore the child will rely on her more for her emotional and physical well-being and struggle more being away from her for two weeks than she would her father.