Ex wants to take DD to Australia

[skippy84]

Looking for some honest opinions on this please. Ex and I split this time last year (his decision) we have a daughter who is two (three in October) since the split I have tried to facilitate as much contact between them as possible he has her a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week. It has been hard for me to have this much contact with him particularly early on when I was very hurt over the split but I have always been very conscious of not letting my feelings get in the way of them having a great relationship.

My dilemma is this; his only sister and her family emigrated last week to Australia for work. Since he found out about their plans he has been asking to take DD to Australia for two weeks in the winter to see them. I have told him from the start that I am not comfortable with this. I think she is too young to be away from her main caregiver for that length of time. The main reason is that it's too far away and I am terrified that i wouldn't be able to get to her in an emergency. Also I think a flight of that length is too much to ask of a very active toddler for the sake of a two week holiday. He is taking this badly and keeps pushing the subject. I wouldn't mind but when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year so it's not like they're particularly close. I have tried to be reasonable and even suggested if he was really set on it I would fly out with them and visit friends in another part of Australia for the two weeks just to get over my fear of her being so far away. He said he didn't want this either.

He brought this up again today and said he feels I am
just saying no to get at him or punish him for breaking up with me when this is really not the case at all. I feel like I have been so accommodating to him in all this and he just throws it back in my face because he can't get his own way in this scenario. I just wish he would accept my decision and stop pushing it.

AIBU?

[skippy84]

Thanks for all the replies, variety of responses has been an eye opener as admittedly I was feeling quite self righteous and angry when I posted.

I'm not sure why he outright rejected my suggestion that I visit another part of Aus at the same time. I would of course pay my way and to be honest it would be a very bit expense for a holiday that is essentially to facilitate his wishes. I guess he felt I would be stepping on their trip which he wants to be just their thing. Also maybe as someone suggested up thread it implied I don't trust his parenting which is not the case.

Another feature of his argument is that I did take dd to France with my parents last year. This had been booked before he decided he wanted to separate. It had been booked with the intention of all three of us going. I just think there is a world of difference between France which I could get to in a few hours if necessary and Australia. If he was suggesting a European holiday then sure id miss dd but I dont think I'd feel so unsettled.

In a couple of years I don't think I would be concerned but I'm still conscious of all the upheaval dd has been through in the last year and I feel like I've been the only constant for her and I worry she's too young to understand that that's still the case if I disappear out of her life for two weeks

[poppycock6]

Another one here who thinks she's too young for such a long flight and not to have her mum with her during it. Put your foot down OP.
I would tell him that he'll have to wait until she's older.

[JassyRadlett]

Christ, you must all think I'm a crap parent, my toddler does that flight at least once a year. In my experience kids manage the flight better than adults, and if you manage the jetlag properly you can generally be done with it in 2-3 days.

That said the flight is a hell of a lot easier with two adults, and there are many other factors at play here to make your concerns understandable. But I don't buy 'the flight is too young for a 3 year old' as a reason.

[Ginderella]

I suspect that he would like to move on with his life and create some distance from you and DD.

I also suspect he has another woman in his sights and he is deliberately picking this fight with you. He knows that you would say no to this trip to Australia.

He can then justify the lack of contact between him and DD because you "are being unreasonable" and not agreeing to his request.

[Tooearlyintheday]

I think the fact that you're not objecting to long haul flight as such since you would be willing to let her do it if you accompany her makes your position unreasonable. I don't honestly think a two week holiday with her other parent is too much to ask for at age 3 and while you may be uncomfortable with her being so far away she will be along with her Dad who presumably is a capable person. I also think you are setting a precedent for her Dad to object to any holidays you may want to take her on in the future.

[Tooearlyintheday]

Why do you suspect that Ginderella? Why can it not be a case of a decent parent wanting to take their child on holiday to visit family?

[zippey]

I don't think the comprise is that great, if it were the other way round, the OP probably wouldn't like the ex tagging along like a bad smell.

I don't think the request is unreasonable but at the same time I don't think the OP is entirely unreasonable either.

Being apart for a few weeks won't harm anyone.

[beela]

OP, my DS is exactly the same age as your DD and I would not be happy about this. YANBU.

[skippy84]

I understand my views re the flight seem contradictory, to clarify I'm sure she would survive but I think it's a lot for her to go through for the sake of two weeks holiday. It's not something I would consider doing with her myself unless absolutely necessary. The reason I would compromise and go with them on the flight is that I understand how important family is so if he was really insistent I would go along for the journey as I also think it would be easier on her with two adults, plus I have always been the calmer one and better able to cope in that type of situation my ex has a short fuse and can be quite reactionary when he's stressed.

To reply to ginderella I don't think that's the case at all, perhaps he does have another woman in his life I don't know but I certainly can't see him trying to distance himself from Dd - he really does dote on her.

[skippy84]

Also I had no intention of gate crashing their holiday I would only take the flight with them and then fly on to stay with friends some distance away. It just means I could get to her if she needed me.

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

I think a parent taking a child away for two weeks is fine. It might not be prefect, but it is fine.

If my ex wanted to accompany me on my holiday journey for no good reason I would tell him to fuck off.

[HeySoulSister]

Why do you think you will need to get to her quickly op?

[Sparklysilversequins]

I wouldn't be happy with this. Why can't he wait a couple of years till everything is a bit less raw and you and she more used to being apart, eg. When she starts school? It's not like she's going to remember the experience at that age. Two/three year olds don't care where they are as long as they are with someone they love who loves them. I think it's too young and more for HIS benefit that dd's.

[Sparklysilversequins]

I think as ever on MN it's a matter of personal opinion. Some posters would be happy to be apart from their two year olds for that length of time, some wouldn't, neither are wrong for that and I don't think OP is wrong for feeling that way she does.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, I have to say your ex's plans leave me a little uneasy. I know you say that you "genuinely don't think there is a risk of him not returning with her", but I expect a lot of other parents, mothers and fathers, have genuinely thought that too.

We've been considering visiting friends in Australia, but two weeks seemed too short to me given the amount of time it takes to get there. So him planning to go for only two weeks seems a bit 'off' to me. Then the fact that there wasn't much contact with his sister prior to her emigration ("when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year"), so this determination to undertake an expensive and frankly arduous journey seems out of proportion. And yes, I do find his rejection of your being in Australia (not with him/DD, just on the plane and then in the same country) unsettling. Why would he reject your offer when it costs him nothing, could make the journey easier, and won't impinge on his/DD's holiday?

I've got a vague memory of Australia refusing to allow children to leave to rejoin their parent, but I think it was for an Australian parent in Australia IYSWIM, which wouldn't apply here. I guess I'm thinking worst case scenario here OP; IF he decided he wasn't coming back, even with Australia co-operating, getting your daughter back could be difficult, time-consuming and expensive; especially with you on the other side of the world in a different time-zone. Whereas in the same time-zone etc - maybe more straightforward. Yes, worst case scenario, but I don't know any of the people involved so that's the way my mind runs. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.


Changing the subject - I really don't think the current contact arrangements are healthy for you. You're having to be in way too much day-to-day contact with this man to allow you to move on with your life. He sounds like he is always there - "a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week." Where does this contact take place? How is handover managed? Could you take a step back, i.e. handover handled by an intermediary so that you don't have to see him in person? IMO your being so accommodating may be part of the reason why he is so incensed at you saying no to this trip - because you don't sound as if you've said no to anything else so far. Have you?

[skippy84]

Heysoulsister I don't know possibly being irrational on this point but my thoughts were if she got sick, had an accident or if anything happened to her dad and she was left alone there or just if she was jet lagged and out of routine in an unfamiliar place and was really upset and worried that I wasn't there.

I'm well aware that these are very unlikely scenarios but the thought of being unable to get to her if she needed me just fills me with dread. I'm normally a very level headed person and am totally willing to accept I'm being a pfb on this but it just makes me so uneasy.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Whereyouleftit

The current arrangements sound healthy for the child which is the most important thing surely?

I saw my dad daily when my parents split and my mum managed to move on just fine.

[skippy84]

Whereyouleftit thanks for your post. I just want to reiterate that I'm would have close to 100% confidence in him coming back and that really dosen't feature in my reasoning for this at all. I know we can never be certain but knowing him as I do it is not at all a concern.

Regarding the second part of your post you have really hit the nail on the head though. This is what has been so upsetting for me. I really feel like I have bent over backwards to make sure he sees her almost as much as he wants and I have never once tried to stand in the way of him spending time with her even when it hurt or inconvenienced me.

I feel like he has had all the freedom and lack of responsibility he wanted from the split with me doing all the donkey work and him swooping in for fun times with her whenever it suits him. This is why I got so upset when he said I was doing it to punish him as never once in the year since we split have I tried to do anything but facilitate him. This one time where he oversteps my boundaries and asks what I feel too much and all of a sudden I'm the vindictive jilted woman in his eyes. It couldn't be further from the truth. I feel it's somewhat 'give an inch and hell take a mile'.

[LondonInHighHeeledBoots]

I'd say it is probably fine.

Personally, I think the reason he's reacted to the fact that you want to come on the flight too is, from your OP you are still acting somewhat like a single family unit many weekends - he probably doesn't actually want to go out with you at weekends or have dinner with you often, he broke up with you. He probably just wants some time just with DD without his ex. And going and seeing his sister in convenient. Also, is he into cricket? There is a big cricket thing in Oz this winter, this could be why he's so fussed to go to Oz?

Not sure how much she would get from an Australia trip at just turned three though - I think a few more years would be a better option, but on a safety note, its likely fine.

If you are seriously seriously worried about being close, go see your friends in the other part of Oz anyway, or go to Bali or something, so you can get there in an emergency (which probably won't happen anyway) but you are not in any way part of their trip.

[skippy84]

Thanks, I genuinely don't want to come on the flight to be honest it was just something I had suggested as a compromise if he was 100% set on going this year.

Also I don't agree with your point about me crowding their time together as generally when we do things as a threesome it's on 'my time' with DD and if he's at a loose end hell invite himself along to whatever were doing.

[dubstarr73]

Op i think its time to cut this relationship dead.You are hanging on going out to dinner and weekends out.You are seperated take this time to do something for yourself.

You will never move on you are still too close emotionally.
If the child goes to the dads gfor the weekend dont golLet your dc have time wiht that parent as hard as it sounds it will only get harder as the years go on.
Suggest he takes her somewhere for the weekend and see how they get on.He might realise you are right about Australia

[ZZZenagain]

I think it would be a bit hard on dd to be away from her main carer for 2 weeks at her age. If things go well, she'll no doubt enjoy it but something might happen to upset her or she might miss you and just feel homesick, even with her dad there by her side. It is all new and strange for her in Australia. A flight to Australia in itself is not too much for a toddler though the long flight/jetlage is tough on anyone. I think as others have said, he should plan to build up to it by smaller things first, go to Australia when she is a bit older.

[FannyFifer]

I wouldn't like my children to be that distance away from me for the sole reason that I couldn't get there quickly in an emergency.

[Justforlaughs]

I'd suggest that he have her for a week at his own home, with no contact (other than skype/ phone) to see how she would cope without you for longer than a night. (I'm pretty sure she would be fine with it). And go from there. He may change his mind after she wakes him up in the middle of the night!
I can see that you are uncomfortable with the idea, and it must be difficult for you; but I don't think it's a particularly unreasonable request of his.

[TimeofChange]

I agree with Dubstar: Stop being so accomodating.

He still wants to play happy families when it suits him, when he has free time.

Maybe this is the catalyst needed to stop this happening.
Stop going out to dinner with him and don't invite him along at the weekends.

Maybe the Oz trip will fade away when reality of coping along hits in.

Best wishes to you.