Ex wants to take DD to Australia

[skippy84]

Looking for some honest opinions on this please. Ex and I split this time last year (his decision) we have a daughter who is two (three in October) since the split I have tried to facilitate as much contact between them as possible he has her a couple of nights a week and sees her in-between we also do things together the three of us at weekends or go out for dinner during the week. It has been hard for me to have this much contact with him particularly early on when I was very hurt over the split but I have always been very conscious of not letting my feelings get in the way of them having a great relationship.

My dilemma is this; his only sister and her family emigrated last week to Australia for work. Since he found out about their plans he has been asking to take DD to Australia for two weeks in the winter to see them. I have told him from the start that I am not comfortable with this. I think she is too young to be away from her main caregiver for that length of time. The main reason is that it's too far away and I am terrified that i wouldn't be able to get to her in an emergency. Also I think a flight of that length is too much to ask of a very active toddler for the sake of a two week holiday. He is taking this badly and keeps pushing the subject. I wouldn't mind but when his sister lived an hour up the road he only brought DD to see them maybe twice in the last year so it's not like they're particularly close. I have tried to be reasonable and even suggested if he was really set on it I would fly out with them and visit friends in another part of Australia for the two weeks just to get over my fear of her being so far away. He said he didn't want this either.

He brought this up again today and said he feels I am
just saying no to get at him or punish him for breaking up with me when this is really not the case at all. I feel like I have been so accommodating to him in all this and he just throws it back in my face because he can't get his own way in this scenario. I just wish he would accept my decision and stop pushing it.

AIBU?

[Goldmandra]

Why don't you ask him what is so special about Australia?

At her age it will just be a place with people who sound slightly different and which takes a horrible journey to get there.

I know his sister will be there but maybe she'll be able to see your DD on visits back here for a year or two instead.

We took DD1 to Australia when she was 5 to see her Aunt and Uncle and packed in some fantastic touristy experiences too. She has some good memories but they aren't particularly clear. She wouldn't remember anything if she'd been younger.

We went for three weeks and about four days of that was lost through packing, travelling and jet-lag. So is it worth putting her through all that plus taking her away from her primary carer for a ten day holiday when she's so small?

Couldn't he have her for a couple of separate week-long holidays closer to home in the first year at least? That doesn't seem like a lot to ask.

[DoctorRobert]

yanbu. no way would I let a child of that age go so far without me.

[babyhmummy01]

I think your worries are valid but I don't think they are reason enough to stop her from going with him.

He is her father and if ur primary reason is she's never spent that long away from u then let her stay will him longer between now and then and see how she copes

[Talkinpeace]

Would he object to you taking her on holiday?

You are being sexist to assume that he cannot cope.

Flights with little kids are no great shakes : airlines are geared up for it

[skippy84]

I think think I'm happy with my decision to say no on this occasion and I'm pretty sure ill be sticking to it.

This thread has opened my eyes to a lot if other issues around boundaries and how it's not really normal to carry in playing happy families every so often and it's the first time I've seen it like that. I think I was so hurt and upset that in some ways I did want to punish ex for leaving us but as a reaction I went the other extreme to prove I was being the bigger person and not going to hold it against him.

I think the suggestion of setting boundaries and having minimal contact from here on in is a good one. There had been nights he's been here till 11pm telling me about his work problems. I need to cut all that out and make a clean break and maybe then he will respect me when I say I'm making a decision in the interests of our daughter

[kitbit]

Older, yes. This year, no. Too young to be away from Mum, even if exh is 'used to' every quirk of your dd and is finely attuned to her (is he?)

[skippy84]

Again it's not the holiday more the distance, I would be ok with two weeks in Europe somewhere.

If roles were reversed no I don't think he'd object to me taking her to Australia because she would be with her primary caregiver so he would know she was ok.

[attheendoftheday]

YANBU. I think 2 is very little to be away from the main caregiver for that long.

[allnewtaketwo]

Whilst I get your point OP, and I wouldn't like it either, I think your overuse do the "primary caregiver" phrase is a potential issue going forward. Whilst that phrase may be relevant when. Child is very young (as yours is now), it does become less relevant over time. Be mindful of this, it's very easy I think for PWC to fall into the trap as seeing themselves as more "primary" than is helpful for the child.

[Talkinpeace]

when I was 2 my parents separated - by 3000 miles
I used to fly back and forth on my own from the age of 5
and when I was away from my mum - for 7 weeks a year - she coped (partied actually)

[Tooearlyintheday]

I'm unclear on the usefulness of the term "primary caregiver" if the child has two involved parents. From what you've described OP your ex sees DD practically every day and has her overnight away from you twice a week. He sounds more than capable of taking over the role of "primary caregiver" for a fortnight. I mean I'm my DCs primary caregiver but its circumstantial as my DH works more hours than me. If he worked fewer hours he would be the primary caregiver but it wouldn't make either one of us more or less their parent. For that matter if a child's in full time daycare or with a CM they could well be their primary caregiver, doesn't make them parents iykwim.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I think given how much time he spends with her there isn't really a clear cut "primary care giver" in the same way there is with other people's child care arrangements.

Basically,you think you are more important because you're the mum. I'm not saying that to be unkind,but that seems to be the crux of it.

As she gets older you won't like the idea of her being away from you any more than you now but will have no even half legitimate reason to say no.

[dubstarr73]

Yes i do think you have to be so available emotionally to him.His work problems a re just that his.He made that choice.Also i wouldnt say no straight out,give them a few weekends here and there.
I bet when you realise you have a life outside your child it will make it easier about letting her go.

Also you are not more important but you are both equally important to your child

[dubstarr73]

Dont

[skippy84]

You're right I suppose. The reason I overuse that phrase is that when we split dd and I have to move house and I had to move her out of a crèche that she was very happy in into a new one. I suppose by saying that I mean that since she was born I've been the only think that was there reliably and consistently and though I facilitate access I'm still worried about her loosing that while she's still so young.

[skippy84]

Also to be honest I do have a life outside my daughter, I work full time and am currently finishing up my phd, have plenty of friends that I would live to see more of etc. I'm just trying to do what I feel is right as a parent though in many ways the break (if I could relax) would be great. I just don't think this is best for her or me right now

[skippy84]

Love not live

[Goldmandra]

I don't think you overuse the phrase, OP, unless your ex takes responsibility for arranging vaccinations, checking that her shoes fit, arranging childcare, making decisions about medication, arranging playdates, monitoring her diet, deciding on her daily routine, etc.

How many nights a week could you go out and stay out late without giving a thought as to who would be there to care for your DD and how many nights can he do that?

The picture you paint on here is of a so far very successful and positive arrangement in which you are very much the primary care giver, taking ultimate responsibility for virtually all of your DD's needs while your ex sees her lots because he cares for her deeply.

Don't do yourself down. If his role is as much the caregiver as yours he will know her shoe size, her sock size, her favourite everything, who she like to play with, which bubble bath and shampoo is used for her, what her last bad dream was about, when she last had Calpol,......

There's a big difference between a caring , involved parent and a primary care giver.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

skippy

Does the current arrangement work for you? It sounds incredibly amicable and good for your dd. it wouldn't be unreasonable of you to slightly curtail him joining you as and when he feels like. It is a fairly similar set up to my parents when they split. My brother was the same age as your dd,I was older. It was very beneficial I think,in the long run.

It's fine to say no not this year.

Apologies if I came across as rude.

[skippy84]

Not rude at all Ali, I really appreciate the input particularly from a child of this situation who came out unharmed. Gives me a bit of hope really.

This is all so new to me, I never envisaged this situation. I get frustrated for example he has her tonight and tomorrow so I text him to ask him to ring the crèche to tell them she won't be in tomorrow. His response; what is their number. I gave him the number last year when she started and maybe twenty times since when he has been late to pick her up. It makes me angry that he claims equal parenting rights without knowing these basics.

[Somethingtothinkabout]

Hi OP, I remember a recent thread on here from a man wanting to take his 2+ year old daughter to a family wedding in France for 2 days without his ex partner. He was mostly told he was being unreasonable, that it would distress the toddler to be away from her primary caregiver, etc.

Taking a 3 year old away from her mum to the other side of the planet for 2 weeks is ludicrous. I'd be telling ex than he is massively taking advantage of your good nature and throwing it back in your face, then I think you should set down some proper boundaries.

[allnewtaketwo]

"I don't think you overuse the phrase, OP, unless your ex takes responsibility for arranging vaccinations, checking that her shoes fit, arranging childcare, making decisions about medication, arranging playdates, monitoring her diet, deciding on her daily routine, etc."

None of that is remotely relevant to the emotional or physical well being of the child when on holiday with her other parent. Those things I would say are things that a parents feel makes them "primary", the "main parent", whatever. But a parent acting as though this makes them more 'important' to the child will, over time, not be good for the child IMO.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Sorry skippy but I think your 15:27 post says it all. Its about your feelings of resentment towards your ex (You "do all the donkey work" and he "swoops in")

Please believe that I have every sympathy to your feelings (I also separated from my DCs' dadwhen they were young and I know how heart wrenching it can be. But YABU here

Having said that I'd rather eat my own head than take a 3yo on a 24-hour flight!!

[Xmasbaby11]

YANBU. That is a very long time to be away from you, and the distance would terrify me too. I think your concerns are reasonable and you shouldn't feel bad about saying no. If your ex doesn't understand, this just shows he hasn't considered your DD.

Surely if the sister has emigrated, they can go in a year or two. There is no rush.

[zipzap]

Could you also soften the blow and say that whilst you think she is too young for it this year, in another couple of years you think that she will be fine to go and she is much more likely to enjoy it and remember it, if it is supposed to be daddy/dd bonding time, big adventure trip etc. (Of course by then school will have kicked in making it more difficult to take her away but hey ho )

If she went now, chances are she wouldn't remember it in a year or two, let alone when she is older. If she goes when she is a bit older she at least has a chance of remembering the trip or at least that she had an amazing time.

Just out of interest - what was the turn around time between his sis saying she was emigrating and going - did he bother to take her to see her then? And how long are they out there for - if it's just a year then I can see that he wants to go now. If it's for much longer then wait.

Persuade him to visit his sister now and do all the Oz tourist things that will be tricky to do as he'd like maybe if he has a 3 year old in tow. Then when he goes back in a couple of years time he can do kiddy-focused Oz.