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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of these comments about my parenting?

38 replies

Jane04 · 22/06/2013 21:52

I feel like it is me against my family all the time. They feel the need to comment about my parenting all the time and I am getting sick of it! Some of the things include-

"He needs a nappy change, I am going to change his nappy" - He doesn't as I have already done this.

"I wouldn't feed him that, he doesn't seem to like it" - He has had it plenty of times before and loved it, I'll cook my DS anything I want to.

"I would put him to bed now, he looks tired" He goes to bed at 7 and wakes up at 8, I think my routine is working well for me.

"I hope that if DS does have a violent moment that you will smack him otherwise he will never learn and will turn into a nightmare" Repeat at least three times a week, I WILL NEVER SMACK MY CHILD.

"He doesn't need a coat on, he will get too hot" I know when my child is too hot and when I am going out with him for a walk and it is raining he needs to wear a coat.

"He looks hot, you need to give him some calpol" He is fine, has been fine all day.

When DS is crying and I am comforting him- "Give him here, I'll get him to stop" I am fully capable of comforting my child thank you.

These are very few examples of what has been said over the last few days.

Every time I say something like "I will parent DS how I want" to let them know that I am getting annoyed at there criticism they get extremely annoyed and ignore me.

I am fucking sick at the end of my tether with this now.

AIBU? I am getting more angry when I hear a comment being said and I am extremely close to telling them all to fuck off stop belittling my parenting.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 22/06/2013 21:54

Who are "they"?

JazzAnnNonMouse · 22/06/2013 21:54

Yanbu- this happens albeit to a lesser extent to me on occasion.
Some people think they know how to do things better.
Ignore as much as possible.

RiotsNotDiets · 22/06/2013 21:54

Just tell them to fuck off. You'd only have to say it once!

I do wonder how they worked out that you teach kids not to hit by hitting them? Confused

IneedAsockamnesty · 22/06/2013 21:55

Yanbu.

Unless your clueless about child care the sentence you need is...

"If you continue attempting to undermine me I will cease to visit or welcome you here"

WorraLiberty · 22/06/2013 21:55

YANBU

Do you live with them? Or do they come to visit you with their little pearls of wisdom?

MadBusLady · 22/06/2013 21:55

YANBU, as you know.

I think you are sort of left with the Fuck Off option now.

Grin at "He looks hot, you need to give him some calpol". What if he actually looks a bit peaky, emergency mouth-to-mouth?

MadBusLady · 22/06/2013 21:56

In fact you are the Queen of Not Being Unreasonable. Feel free to order yourself a custom printed t-shirt.

Oldandcobwebby · 22/06/2013 21:57

Well I reckon your parenting is exemplary, even if some stupid people think otherwise.

MummyAbroad · 22/06/2013 22:03

YANBU. I have had this done to me and its bloody annoying, not to mention sends a bad message to your kids (that you are not competent)

Is it your MIL by any chance?

Whoever it is, have you got the energy to have it out with them? I like Sockreturningpixie's approach.

Original poster
Jane04 · 22/06/2013 22:04

I get the pleasure of hearing these comments from family when they visit, I visit them or if we happen to run into each other in town. A swift "fuck off" is so very tempting.

Thank you for the replies, I feel a lot better being told that IANBU!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 22/06/2013 22:06

Smile, nod, ignore- they can't argue their case if you don't engage. If you need to say something a vague, mild, 'really' is a good one.

JackieTheFart · 22/06/2013 22:12

I like to say, 'I'll take that under advisement'.

It's not rude, but it leaves the giver of advice under no illusions about what you will do with it!

HairyWorm · 22/06/2013 22:16

Is it one particular person in the family or a particular branch of family. Can you reduce the amount of time you spend with them or is there someone who could back you up when they're around?

I think your current response is great but if you have to tell them three times you will not smack your child without the subject being dropped then it doesn't sound like they're going to change any time soon and you might have to find some way of managing how you react to them for your own sanity.

Not sure how I would deal with it (without snapping or completely avoiding them), but I would definitely carry on being vocal that I don't agree and It's my child not theirs. i.e.
"He needs a nappy change, I am going to change his nappy"- 'No he doesn't!'
Give him here, I'll get him to stop - 'No'
Put him to bed he looks tired - 'No, its not his bed time'
I wouldn't feed him that, he doesn't seem to like it - 'Yes he does!'

But I guess you're already doing that?

EmmaBemma · 22/06/2013 22:23

exoticfruits I've heard similar before, and it's still the best advice I've had about this kind of thing. Don't engage, don't dwell.

PeppermintCreamsSaga · 22/06/2013 23:00

What about undermining the comments, in a passive aggressive sort of way by talking about them to your child? "oh dear, silly grandma, forgetting what i've already told her."

rockybalboa · 22/06/2013 23:09

No, YANBU. At some point you will snap and tell them to mind their own bloody business. Would piss me off monumentally.

BriansBrain · 22/06/2013 23:14

How old are you and is this your family or your DCs day's family?

I would give the look -> Hmm and then the snide smile with "I don't need your opinion but thanks any way"

Disclaimer: I don't talk to any of my family anymore.

BeaWheesht · 22/06/2013 23:15

Yanbu BUT

A/ stop letting it get to you, just have confidence in your parenting.

B/ stop spending so much time with them.

My mum, lovely as she is, is a bit like this - we see her about 10 times a year.

ChasedByBees · 22/06/2013 23:22

I had comments from my family - particularly the food ones "She doesn't like that, you can tell". Angry

I was tired and I'm generally abrupt so I issued a death stare and a sharp comment. You said they get annoyed and ignore you if you comment? Sounds like a result to me!

You could try, "Did your parents tell you how to raise me/DH? Did you find it helpful or interfering?"

But then I'm a bit of a cow. Grin

musickeepsmesane · 22/06/2013 23:24

if DC has a violent moment hit him Confused
cos that will work
Ignore

Boomba · 22/06/2013 23:26

who says these things to you?
All members of your family?
What are they like, besides giving unsolicited baby advice? Do you have good relationships with them generally?
How old is your dc?

exoticfruits · 23/06/2013 07:35

People really underestimate the power of 'smile, nod, ignore'. They have to have the last word, they have to 'win' and all they do is give the other person a way in.

'He needs a nappy change, I am going to change his nappy'

Answer - smile -'thanks but he is fine' - immediately change the subject.If they go back to it just look mildly baffled and repeat- change the subject.

'I wouldn't feed him that, he doesn't seem to like it'

Smile, say 'really' in a very vague, mild way. Change the subject. If they repeat say , in a baffled way 'yes you just said so' and change the subject.

'I would put him to bed now' - smile, say pleasantly 'he goes at 7' and change the subject. If they repeat just repeat the 'goes at 7' in a very mild, slightly baffled, way.change the subject.

The smacking one- stick with 'really'- in a mild way and change the subject.

The coat- smile not and put it on him while doing so. Talk about something else.

The calpol one - another case of 'really' and change the subject.

The 'give him here' when crying- just hang on to him and change the subject. If they carry on just say mildly, but firmly, 'I'm fine thank you'.

It will take time for them to get the message but eventually they will realise it is pointless. The trick is not to engage and not to give them a way in.

littlestressy · 23/06/2013 08:01

I agree don't engage. Just ignore, say no and if they continue just carry on saying no, do as you want. They should soon get the message

HabbaDabbaDoo · 23/06/2013 08:08

OP - are you by any chance a young single mom? If not then YANBU to be pissed off with people treating you as someone who needs constant parenting advice. On the other hand, if you are ....

MrsMangoBiscuit · 23/06/2013 08:17

I'm no god at biting my tongue, or trying to ignore and rise above. I try, I do, but I just end up as a big seething ball of resentment. Blush

Depending on who is doing the commenting, I would try try to come up with a stock line for when things started to get to me, such as "That's enough thank you, you've had your turn at raising children, I'll raise mine how I see fit." I would then have to practice saying it out loud several times, so when they're really starting to get my back up, I can still come out with it in a calm manner. If I was trying to be extra polite, I would drop in "... you had your turn raising children and did a brilliant job, but... "

They key is not to respond to retorts such as "well we'll have to agree to disagree!" by hissing "You're damn right we will as I'M her mother, NOT YOU!" BlushBlushBlush Having a stock line does help with this though as I know I only have to say my line, then change topic, not get into a full blown arguement conversation over it.

I also like chasedbybees idea! :)