To think my birthday could be about me?

[phantomhairpuller]

Ok so it's not a milestone birthday or anything but still!

DH and FIL went to the pub this morning to watch tho lions game. MIL stayed with me to help get things sorted for the family do which was taking place this afternoon.

Picked up the men folk at 1.30 and they were both fairly well oiled. They continued drinking when they got back to our house. My family descended at around 3pm and FIL immediately started with comments about how the English players were better then the welsh players during the game (it doesn't matter that they were all playing for the same team on this occasion!) he was trying to get a reaction from my (welsh) grandfather. It worked, my 79yr old grandfather walked away from the 'conversation' saying he couldn't be bothered with it- fair enough IMO.

To cut a long story short, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife and consequently my family left after 2hrs. DH passed out drunk and then MIL and FIL left without barely saying a word.

So on my bday, I've done all the clearing up and looked after a toddler and a newborn, basically on my own.

AIBU to be a bit pissed off or do I need a good slap and to get over myself?

Would love a now but am bf-ing

[squoosh]

DH sounds like a controlling wanker. Why are you apologising to him when you know full well he's manipulated you into it??

At least FIL apologised.

[GetStuffezd]

Right, this is not on OP. why does he want to hurt you so much? He's trying to get a rise out of you so he can say what he's really thinking and accuse you of xyz. Do NOT apologise!

[Flobbadobs]

Stop apologising!! You did nothing wrong at all.
Did you tell his family why he wasn't there? I hope you did. Glad your FIL made amends though, send him round to his parents, get your MIL to give him a dose of whatever she gave his Dad.
In all honesty though it sounds like he's feeling guilty and acting defensively and childishly about it. Don't tiptoe around him, just sort you and the DC's out and ignore him, especially as he's drinking again.
Does he drink alot or is he one of those who (rather like my own DH) thinks he can hold it but can't?

[ChasedByBees]

Wow, I hope you're not apologising - you have nothing to apologise for. Your DH is being a total arse.

[peeriebear]

OHHHH DON'T APOLOGISE!

[Justforlaughs]

I really hope that you are not apologising! He needs to grow up or get out! At the very least he should be wearing the wine - not drinking it!

[ComtessedeFrouFrou]

Why is he being such a total twunt?

Do not apologise - and do not just carry on as normal either. Arsehole needs to know this is not OK behaviour.

[phantomhairpuller]

He'd called his mum to say he wasn't coming and she'd tried to talk him round but he wasn't having any of it. Obviously I don't know what else was said but she was definitely frosty with me when we first arrived. She soon mellowed once she saw how upset I was and we had quite a nice chat which made me feel a lot better - temporarily!!

Poor DS1 (2.2) has seen me cry more times today than I think he's ever seen me cry, surely that'll be having an impact on him?

I absolutely hate, loathe and detest arguments, they really upset me. If me apologising means this atmosphere between us will clear then that's what I'm willing to do. Even tho I know it's wrong.

[squoosh]

There's no point dancing to his tune just to keep the peace. It will create an unhealthy power imbalance.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

I think you have to confront him or you'll be in a tizz forever. Say to him 'look you know you spoiled my birthday, the fact that you're sulking like this means you're obviously feeling guilty and embarrassed, if you apologise like a grown up and make it up to me we'll say no more about it' or similar.

My dh is a bit like this. Totally unable to apologise if he's done something stupid, just sits and glowers with embarrassment.

Good luck.

[GetStuffezd]

So he's told his mother some bollocks about you too??
You are not happy in your marriage are you?

[JohnnyUtah]

Do not apologise he is being n arse

[phantomhairpuller]

You know what getstuffezd? I think you've hit the nail on the head

[imustbepatient]

OP I can't add anything to what the others have said but just wanted to add I'm really sorry to hear what a rubbish birthday you had but also that it sounds like a symptom of something bigger. Don't apologise. See him for what he is. You sound like a lovely person, I just wanted to say that. Best of luck.

[GetStuffezd]

So, deep breath, what next? I have no experience of marriage, but I am a big believer in everyone having the right to be happy, fulfilled and respected in their relationships. Will he listen if you try to initiate a proper conversation? If not, I'd have serious concerns.

[formerdiva]

I know we all behave like wankers every once in a while, but I'm afraid your DH really does sound awful. What's your relationship usually like?

[ENormaSnob]

What an absolute bastard.

Hope you're ok

[McNewPants2013]

what a knob head, I dont rate adult birthdays much but thats not the point of this thread.

I see it as you has no respect for you and why are you walking on egg shells, what are you scared of ( no need to answer) because you shouldn't feel scared or intimidated especially in your own home.

BTW you can have a small glass of wine while breastfeeding.

[CaptainSweatPants]

He must have had a hangover from yesterday but today he's drank a bottle of wine?

Sounds Like a problem drinker

[GetStuffezd]

IMO I don't think the drinking is the issue here. Many people can go out and get pissed during a sports event, then drink more in the evening, then drink the next day. It's not great or healthy but many people do. (I do). Don't let the alcohol obscure the fact he's being so hateful and hurtful towards you. There is something else here he's too cowardly to talk properly about.

[DoodleAlley]

How are things this morning OP?

[Inertia]

At first I was going to say that you know what to do for his next birthday - leave him with the kids, invite the families over, and piss off out for the day.

Having read your updates, that comment would be 14 words too long. Is he always this vile to you ? Why are you apologising for his foul behaviour ?

[phantomhairpuller]

Not great this morning. He ignored me for the most part. I tried to talk to him about a routine hosp appt he has this afternoon, he gave me nothing but abuse in return

I told him he can be as vile and rude as he likes, I'm not walking away until I've had a valid explanation from him. It's not fair on our boys for starters. He's acting like a child.

It is fairly out of character for him, it's not the first time I've seen him behave like this admittedly but it's far from being a regular occurrence.

There's something underlying, there has to be.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"I absolutely hate, loathe and detest arguments, they really upset me. If me apologising means this atmosphere between us will clear then that's what I'm willing to do. Even tho I know it's wrong."
Please don't apologise. It just sets the precedent, and encourages an unreasonable person (your DH) to be unreasonable again, because there's no consequences (in their opinion). You'll be making a rod for your own back.

[GetStuffezd]

Oh bloody hell. As soon as he's vile again you need to be firm and say you're NOT putting up with this disrespectful behaviour. You've done NOTHING wrong and this is not how husbands treat their wives. You want an explanation now or he can get out until he's grown up enough to do so.

Honestly. Say that. Why the actual FUCK should you be apologising when you've done nothing wrong? And you sound really lovely, but don't give him licence to keep treating you like some inferior species.