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aibu to consider leaving DH because of his ex wife?

20 replies

namechangeforaclue · 22/06/2013 12:30

She is trying to making his life miserable and vicariously mine.
He is the nicest kindest man I have ever mety but I am really not sure that I can takdon'tmuch more of this.
It is damaging my mental health.
DH seems to deal with everything in a better way, when we first met he struggled, ironically I helped him come to terms and put plans in place to avoid him ending up feeling like shit.
But she doesn't stop. We took her to court to address the issues with contact.
Now she is saying that in the court order we agreed that my children would not be present during contact...we did not agree to this.
This is their home they should be able to be here when ever they or I or their father deems it necessary.
She is threatening to take us to court to ensure that only children from his first marriage should be around at wrekend contact.
She disagrees with us having students, were they sleep, what we feed them, what we do with them when they are here.
We leave her to get on with her life and we just want the same.
But I realised recently that this is never going to happen. She is never going to stop the harrasing emails, texts and phone calls.
She doesn't care if the children are present when she lays in to him or myself.
We instigated a contact book so that all communication can go through that.
She doesn't want to use it.
I am at my wits end and frankly horribly depressed.
Everytime something new happens it is like a nail in the coffin.
We have successfully built a happy family over the last 4 years everyone (ie the children) are happy, surely yhat is the most important thing.
I just dont understand the mentality of someone trying to be so destructive.

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 22/06/2013 12:47

Let her go to court hun, they will laugh her out the building for being a petty vindictive bitch.

Refuse to deal with anything other than written comms so u have evidence
Is there a family member who could act as intermediarywith contact weekends so u don't have to see/speak to her


faeriefruitcake · 22/06/2013 13:15

Why leave him because of her?

Minimise the damage. Have no contact accept through a third party such as a solicitor, get a restraining order so she cannot come onto your property and block her from contacting you through social networking. In effect delete her from your lives.

Just accept she is bat sh*t crazy and walk away.


RandomMess · 22/06/2013 13:19

How old is the youngest child of the former marriage?

I too would let her take this back to court she will come across as barking mad, which she is being.


MammaTJ · 22/06/2013 13:36

How old are the children they share?

It will not last long. The years go by so quickly, it is not worth giving her the victory of ending your marriage over.


NynaevesSister · 22/06/2013 14:11

Honestly I could have written this. It will pass. The youngest will be 16 and it will end. She only has as much power as you let her. As said let her take this to court she has to justify why.


namechangeforaclue · 22/06/2013 14:53

The youngest is 5.
Her reasoning is over crowding and her children not getting the full attention of their father when they are there.
My children use to go to their dads every weekend but he is suffering some health problems and is unable to have them every weekend now also it is nice for me to see them at the weekend and do fun things with them not just school runs and dinner.
The kids all get on really great and love playing together.
They all love the baby and my rational brain says that the court would not get involved. But because we stated my children would not be there they may veiw this negatively and change his contact.
I think about leaving him because, it is not his fault there is nothing he can do about it but it is always there.
Every week and it is taking it's toll on our relationship.
She wants my phone number, my email, to know what school my children go to, the details of one of my childrens special needs.
I don't know this woman she is not my friend, she has no right to this info.
But if she came to me in a friendly nice manor I would share it is better for everyone if communication is free open and respectful.
She will not do this she demands it like it is her right to know these things. To meet me when she wants to discuss her childrens needs and to yell at me when she turns up at the house.
I thought she would calm down, this isn't a new relationship now it has been going on for nearly 3 years.
She has a bf so I know it can't be about her not moving on or whatever.
I think she just likes to hurt people.
Thanks for advice and support.
It is just hard when you have social services round your house. Not because of your children but because she called them about her children but they still go through it all and ask about my children. My eldest daughter was so angry, she isn't just hurting me or him she is hurting her own children and mine and it is hard to take.

OP posts:

namechangeforaclue · 22/06/2013 14:54

Also love your name nynaevessister. Best books ever.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 22/06/2013 14:59

Did he leave her for you? This might explain the vindictiveness.

Is your children not being there an actual condition of access? Can you get this changed?


namechangeforaclue · 22/06/2013 15:08

It is not a condition of the access but is mentioned in the preamble of the order and our solicitor is talking about the spirt if the order being focused on my DH and his time with his kids.
No he did not leave her for me.

OP posts:

IAmNotAMindReader · 22/06/2013 15:39

Let her have her rants. The courts and social services will soon get to know her as a vindictive time waster.

Keep a log of incidents from her and get advice from the police and a solicitor with regards to harassment.

It may actually work in your favour to go back to court as things are not working the way they are. You may be able to arrange a neutral drop off point or a 3rd party handover so there is no actual contact and all other contact be handled via email or text.

Don't bad mouth her in front of any of the children (not saying you do but it can be hard not to when frustrated by this level of interference) she is doing a sterling job of ruining her relationship with them without any input from you. In short let her run on ahead with the rope she will hang herself with. You can't change the way she handles her relationship with her children but you can always be a constant for them. They will know what's going on soon enough.

A lot of people get caught up in their rights in a situation like this when all that matters is the children's rights and what is best for them. Foster a good relationship with them and its there for life. Treat them as pawns in a power struggle and as soon as they reach adulthood the parent child relationship will be in tatters.

She will lose out in the end and for a lot longer, as others have said this childhood phase flies by so quickly and as soon as they reach their teens any orders have to take their wishes into consideration.

Concentrate on fostering a good relationship between them and the rest of the family to show them that there is another way to be.


LEMisdisappointed · 22/06/2013 15:53

Sorry, i didnt mean that to sound harsh, just trying to get a full picture. I wouldn't be leaving him because of it, unless of course he is not doing his bit to sort it out.


HerrenaHarridan · 22/06/2013 16:54

Not a mind reader has pretty much covered the bases there Smile

Refuse all contact except written (ie provable)

Allow her enough rope to hang herself an ALWAYS be the better person. Never bitch about her in front if the children. It will just make them uncomfortable.

If the court order does not specify
their step siblings MUST not be there then It's irrelevant.

Easy to say but dont worry about ss most social workers have seen enough horrors to know a happy family when they see it.

Don't leave your husband over it there are plenty if ways of getting her out of your life without losing your family. Especially if she thinks its acceptable to stand in your house shouting at you in front of the children etc a restraining order is the way forward. Keep a log


EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 22/06/2013 18:20

She is threatening to take us to court to ensure that only children from his first marriage should be around at wrekend contact.
Even though you stated that the children to to their dad's that wasn't a condition of contact and the court cannot specify that they aren't present during contact - they live there, where are they going to go all weekend if their father can't have them? And what does she expect you to do with the baby? Let her take this to court if she wants, it will make her look insane.
Also re the students - it isn't overcrowded, nothing wrong with the kids sharing rooms and she knows it. And if you agree to take on the majority of the student related stuff on contact weekends she can't argue that it impacts on their contact with their dad. It's only making breakfast and dinner! You do that anyway!
I'm sorry to hear things are that bad (it's me by the way, you should talk about it more if it's that bad //❤ ) it sounds like you need to learn to detach. As you know she's a crazy person and a controlling nasty woman and she won't ever stop. So you need to learn to care less. I know it impacts on you when DP is down about it but really it's his battle to fight. By which I mean you need to stop feeling so rageful when she comes up with some new bullshit. Offer advice if he asks but otherwise keep out of it. I know that's easier said than done xxx


BatwingsAndButterflies · 22/06/2013 19:18

Can you get a restraining order?


celestialsquirrels · 22/06/2013 19:25

I promise you that any family judge would say that it was important that the step siblings all get on together and they can't be expected to blend as a family if they don't see each other. In fact I doubt it would even get to court if she is represented, because her solicitor would say she is on a hiding to nothing. Unless the step siblings are actually a threat to her children, she will not be successful


Iactuallydothinkso · 22/06/2013 19:28

Seriously? Don't let her win if you love him.

Tell her to return it to court if necessary because you won't be doing whatever the hell she demands. Don't be afraid. Don't allow her to have the impact she is having on your lives.

If you do love him, and be honest with yourself, then let her pick up the £200 quid application fee to vary an order and see how far she gets. It won't be anywhere.

I had the same with my ex and it was an utter nightmare. How me and my husband got through it I can't say but eventually I got a vexatious order against the fucker and he's now not allowed to take me back to court without permission from the court and I get demands all the time from him and do you know what? He can go fuck himself and when he gets there he can fuck himself some more!

Go forwards with your life and don't allow her space in it.

This kind of shit makes my blood boil. Can you tell? I've been there and I know how awful it is. You are your own person only dealing with you, your husband and your children and his children when they are there with you. Nobody else. Not her.

Keep going. Xx


VBisme · 22/06/2013 19:36

No, YANBU, I nearly did the same. I found a support group called the British Second Wives Club that helped me out no end.


iheartdusty · 22/06/2013 19:52

just a thought...

is it possible that she thinks your DH does not involve himself fully in contact with his own kids and lets the children just all hang out together?

does she think he 'opts out' when it's time that their children should have with him?

would she be right in thinking that?


ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 22/06/2013 20:01

Don't let her win!!

The stupid batshit woman needs telling. Next time she threatens to take your DH to court, tell her to knock her socks off - she wont get anywhere and her solicitor should tell her that.

Make sure your DH doesn't tell her anything she doesn't have an absolute right to know.

Set up third party handovers and give her a single pay as you go mobile number and a new email address set up solely for her and tell her that any other contact will result in you taking her to court for harrassment.

I'm sorry she's doing this to you :(


snooter · 22/06/2013 20:30

She sounds like a real bunny-boiler. Don't let her win this - I bloody wouldn't.

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