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AIBU?

to take ds away without DH?

68 replies

AaDB · 21/06/2013 20:31

I have been self employed until recently and have found a new full time job. They have been very understanding about arranging a delayed start date so that I can support my DM through cancer treatment and this also means I will have the school holidays off with DS (6).

I would love to take my ds away somewhere hot for a week. DH is gutted and doesn't want me to go away without him. We share money however, I am the main earner. My new job will mean long hours and stress and I would love to have a break with my lo before I start.

He has a few breaks away with friends arranged - this is fine by me. We have agreed to two trips away with friends a year; even if this means sleeping in a spare room in a different city.

I see this trip as one of mine. It is lovely that DH wants to go. It is easier and cheaper to arrange something for just ds and I.

AIBU?

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 21:46

My reply would be the same if it was a man.

My ex H used to go away loads with his mates and I was fine with it, but then like the OP's H would bitch and moan and expect me to "adjust" our arrangements so he could come too.

Like I said previously he could always book some time off with his ds rather than his mates couldn't he?

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JackNoneReacher · 21/06/2013 22:12

The OP's DH hasn't bitched, moaned or asked anyone to adjust plans.

That was your ex, and presumably these were some of the reasons why.

He's wants to try and arrange time off with work for a family holiday!

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 22:15

So OP can never take her child away alone then? DH must always come too?

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JackNoneReacher · 21/06/2013 22:22

Yes she can... but not if the reason is

It is easier and cheaper to arrange something for just ds and I.

Nor can she refer to it as a family holiday if one member of the family is not allowed to come.

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ecclesvet · 21/06/2013 22:25

"DH wants me to look for holiday and then go back to him so he can check if he can take time away from work. It is logistically more difficult to include him."

So you look for a holiday, which you would have to do in either scenario, then... he checks if he can get those dates off work. That doesn't seem that difficult?

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AaDB · 21/06/2013 22:34

I have lots of siblings. I can arrange my time to attend appointments with them and my DM can stay with me to recuperate.

I would like to take ds on holiday because I think the dynamic will be lovely and I'll feel like I'm making the most of the holidays and time I have off.

I don't know if DH can take time off or not. I don't think it will be as simple as finding a holiday and going. I think I will be back and forth to include him. If it was just ds and I, we could just go.

He isn't the least bit controlling. I love him very much. We have been away as a family to Wales.

This would be the first time I would go on a beach holiday without DH. It would be a very different holiday than if we were all together. I would stick more to ds's routine and would go to a family friendly complex that DH wouldn't pick. I think if we were going somewhere less interesting, he would not be as bothered.

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 22:34

Well I think she can. I think she can just not want the headache of having to accommodate him and take some time with her son without having to feel guilty about it.

They both like to go on separate trips. For whatever reason. It's obviously how they prefer to do things. So with this in mind she wants to go somewhere on one of her trips that she knows her ds will love so wants to take her ds along too.

I think it's fine to just want to only consider yourself and your child and not have to work it round her DH's commitments and dates just because that's what she wants to do. Especially as he has a couple of trips planned already. As I said before I wonder if he planned HIS trips round dates that were suitable for HER?

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JackNoneReacher · 21/06/2013 22:41

Clearly its not how they prefer to do things otherwise he wouldn't be asking to come or be gutted that he's not allowed to!

I wonder if he planned HIS trips round dates that were suitable for HER?

No idea but to be fair he hasn't asked her to plan the trip around dates that suit him, just for her to let him know when it is.

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 22:46

The OP herself has said it is logistically more difficult to include him. She says it will be a different more relaxed dynamic without him, that they can go to a place that he wouldn't really be interested in going. It sounds like its just something she wants to do. I don't understand why she should be called mean for that.

Just because it's not something YOU would do it doesn't mean it's wrong or selfish or mean. It is what it is. Time on her own with her ds after a stressful time. Time off that she will unlikely to have much of in the future.

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TigOldBitties · 21/06/2013 22:47

I don't think yabu in principle as I or DH often take the DC away without the other parent.

However, we would only do this in addition to a full family holiday, or if the one of us didn't particularly want to go.

I think if you won't be having a family holiday this year, and your DH wants to go, its rather cruel not to have him join in. I think you would be hurt at being excluded were the situation reversed, and I can't imagine one would expect to be excluded in such a way by your wife and son, it doesn't seem very kind. Especially as you seem to just be saying no because its a pain to organise.

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 22:53

They've been away on holiday as a family this year.

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seventiesgirl · 21/06/2013 22:54

I can see why DP is jealous but assume you can plan a family holiday as well as this trip? Spending time with your little ones on your own is important and your DP should relish the time on his own.

I know I bloody would!

Go for it.

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JackNoneReacher · 21/06/2013 22:56

Are we reading the same posts sparkly?!

Where does she say it would be more relaxed or he wouldn't be interested in the place?

On the contrary

I think if we were going somewhere less interesting, he would not be as bothered.

It seems he particularly wants to go to this place because it sounds interesting.

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TigOldBitties · 21/06/2013 22:57

Where does it say that, I'm struggling with the OP. She keeps saying family holiday but seems to mean not the full family.

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 23:03

Yes we I believe we are reading the same posts. Why don't you read them again if you've missed the bit where it says it would be a lovely dynamic to be alone with her son and they would choose a family friendly complex that DH wouldn't choose.

I honestly just do not see the problem here. They've been on a family holiday this year, DH has a couple more planned with mates. OP wants to spend some time on her own with her ds, on what would have been HER holiday alone. DH has chosen to spend HIS holidays with his mates. She has chosen to spend HER holiday with her son. I am just not seeing why this should be considered mean or selfish .

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 23:03

In her last post she said they had been away to Wales as a family.

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CalamityGin · 21/06/2013 23:04

Hi

so your mum is about to start treatment for cancer? it must be a really worrying time for you. Do you think that you wanting to go away with your son without your DH has anything to do with this at all? I mean, are you looking to make some special mother/child memories?

I personally do not think YABU

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TigOldBitties · 21/06/2013 23:10

Sorry I didn't identify that as a holiday because of it being in the UK.

I thought she was talking about going abroad on holiday with her DS, if not then fair enough to go with the DH. If she is, then massively unfair, because he's been to Wales and now its a good destination he isn't allowed to come. Just thinking of the weather we've had this year.

Still stand by my thinking you would be hurt at being excluded were the situation reversed, and I can't imagine one would expect to be excluded in such a way by your wife and son, it doesn't seem very kind. Especially as you seem to just be saying no because its a pain to organise.

As I said we often do separate holidays and I have no issue with it but it seems very sad that he wants to go on holiday with his family and apparently isn't invited. I'd love to see a mother post in aibu that she wasn't invited, she would be urged to insist on going.

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Sparklysilversequins · 21/06/2013 23:19

I honestly would not be hurt if it was reversed. I would booking somewhere for myself that wasn't particularly child friendly pronto . Maybe that's just me though. I would like to think I would be able to deal with the other parent and our child having some bonding time together.

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HappyGirlNow · 21/06/2013 23:22

Really odd. Nothing wrong with holidaying seprately but I can't imagine leaving a family member out of a holiday because it's cheaper/easier to do so... Particularly when they really want to go! YABU.

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TigOldBitties · 21/06/2013 23:27

I think you're missing my point Sparkly, I doubt you would be hurt at them going away together, I'm certainly not.

I would however be hurt in a situation where they were planning a holiday and I thought actually that sounds nice, I'd like to go, and then to be told no sorry you're not invited. Your husband and child will be off on holiday to X and even though you want to go, you can't because they don't want you to. That is what would hurt my feelings.

Its like being the only kid in the class not invited to the party, which is different to not being able to go to the big class party because you're doing something fun elsewhere.

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AaDB · 21/06/2013 23:37

Sparkly, I think you are getting where I'm coming from.

I hadn't thought about DM's illness. It could be why I want to spend some time with ds. I've never been in a position that I have money and time to do something like this. I just want to make the most of this situation.

By family holiday, I mean something family friendly.

If I was going away with a friend, I wouldn't go abroad to a beach holiday.

We don't have help with childcare. We decided last year to spend two weekends each away. This is the second year and I haven't planned anything for my second weekend. DH has planned his around concerts, I have went to another city to visit a friend. If there was an issue with finances, we would go away as the three of us over weekends away with friends.

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JackNoneReacher · 21/06/2013 23:48

So is this a weekend or a week?

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AaDB · 21/06/2013 23:49

We went to Disney Land Paris in March and had two weeks abroad last summer.

We haven't planned a summer holiday. We will plan something when we get the holiday dates from school. We have decided to go to the US to see my step family.

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AaDB · 21/06/2013 23:51

I would liked to take my ds, away for 7 nights instead of having a weekend away with my friend.

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