to be a sham even though I can't afford it?

[Picoo]

I would really like to stay at home with my DS I don't really enjoy my job and I would like to be a full time mummy. The thing is we could only just about afford it. We would have to pay interest only on our mortgage, give up insurance such as health and maybe house insuranc my husband would have to work longer hours, etc. We would be pretty poor, and we have zero savings, but at least I would be with DS.

Is it crazy to live a poor existence but be there for DS, or should I go back to work and be more financially secure?

Amazinggg, I am a higher earner than my husband. We couldn't afford for me to give up work work work- if we had a SAHP it would have to be him. My job when full-time is all-consuming and very stressful. I am not prepared to give up my time with my son in order for my dh to SAH. Instead we have made financial sacrifices for me to work p/t. Dh works f/t but it's 9-5 and he brings no work home. This way we both see plenty of ds. Our childcare is a mix of grandparents and a lovely childminder. In our circumstances, a SAHP is not the best option for any of us!

Agree with amazinggg :)

Bonkers.

You can't afford it. Not as in "won't be able to do Boden/Ocado", but cannot.afford.bills type can't afford it.

It's also quite extraordinarily selfish to want your husband out of the house working longer hours so that you can be home. Does your husband not deserve to see your children? I'm gobsmacked frankly at how mean your suggestion is.

Your marriage will fail because your husband will view you as lazy and reckless.

You will find yourself as a single mum with outdated work skills and you will find yourself either i) doing shit jobs for shit money or ii) on benefits - although I get the impression you'd enjoy the latter.

Grow a backbone and set an example to your family.

scottishmummy hit the nail on the head when she said that money fills fridges, not sentiments.

NandH not quite the same thing when you're on maternity leave, is it?

I also wonder where the op went.....

HalfPast That last post is a bit strong. I know a lot of people who have felt conflicted regarding returning to work, it doesn't make them lazy.

There are different ways to organise finances, yes you have to make ends meet, but there is no one way to do this.

If you are happy to live a pared-down lifestyle in order to SAH with your children, that is your choice and good luck to you.

BUT: does your DH agree? If he agrees that it's important to both of you that your children have a parent at home, and is genuinely happy to "take one for the team" by working longer hours and seeing less of your children, then go for it.

If, however, he isn't happy, then I think you are playing a very dangerous game.

Children thrive whether at home with parents or in childcare. At the end of the day, SAHPs do it for themselves, even though they'll try to tell you (and themselves) it's for the children. But it's a selfish decision if it has a negative impact on your family overall, and it's a luxury that most people in this world can't afford. Makes no difference to the children, honestly it doesn't.

So, be honest with yourself that you want to do this for yourself. If you end up losing your home because you can't pay the mortgage or insurance, your DH is resentful and exhausted of the extra work he has to do and the small amount of time he gets to spend with his family - will it all have been worth it just so that you got to do what you wanted to do?

However, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Will your current job let you go part-time? If not, have you looked into local part-time work like your corner shop, supermarket or pub? Or, as someone else suggested, childminding works well for a lot of people as a way to SAH and still cover the bills.

Annie My husband does not 'take one for the team' by working. That is a terribly old fashioned view that devalues what I do in the home and for my child and him.

We don't live a pared down lifestyle either. Our material wealth is comparable. We have made money buying and selling properties in the past.Yes we don't run 2 cars, but we don't need to. Where we live is suitably placed for this. I take on a lot of the responsibility regarding supporting my child in school work etc and have volunteered at his school.

We don't live near our relatives, the free childcare is off the table. My husband is quite ambitious regarding work, spends time away at conferences and on courses etc. It is good not to have to negotiate this with managing 2 busy diaries.

All in all sensible decision, not about laziness or selfishness.

The decision for one partner to give up work (for any reason, not just to SAHM) needs to be jointly made.

And it needs to be made with a firm undertanding of the household finances and the impact upon the household (both short and long term).

Very true wordfactory

Daftdame, helping children with homework or doing housework are things every parent do whether they work or not. I agree with Annie, expecting to not work whilst making the other adult in the house to does mean one adult gets the raw deal and "takes one for the team".

I also believe that children thrive either with parents or in good childcare. Lots may state they do it for the child but its usually as they dont want to work or dont fancy juggling both. However, given its usually the woman, it does mean that men get no say and are expected to work all hours so that their wife can have the choice not too. I wonder how many would swap roles and let their husbands quit work, after all the child still gets a parent at home?

daftdame whilst your DH might not mind being away from is DC, many men don't feel the same.

They might not want to work longer hours and see less of them, to facilitate the other partner not to work (and thus see more of them).

It'd be difficult for them to breast feed though!

Not all working parents do spend as much time doing supporting school work as I can either.

I could say mothers are selfish for working, they are board at home with their (clasps pearls) own children. However I won't because I don't believe staying at home or working is a moral choice. Different people have different skills, have different interests and are good at different things.

If we enjoy it does it make it selfish? What if you enjoy it because it is just right (for you and your family).

if you are prepared to struggle financially and not turn to social assistance then go for it. wish i could afford to.

Hey, daftdame, I wasn't talking about you!!

And where did I say that going to work was taking one for the team? How ridiculous. I was talking about him increasing his hours.

The OP wants her DH to increase his hours so that she can stay home. I would say that is a negative impact on him in order for her to realise her wish to stay at home. So if he's not happy to make that sacrifice, then she is being selfish.

Don't turn this into SAHP-bashing because it's not. It's about each family working out what is best for everyone, not what's best for one person and the rest have to deal with the negative consequences.

It never fails to amaze me how defensive some people get on these threads when no-one is actually talking about their lives or their own personal family set-up.

Daftdame - If you are not in the situation of the op then what on earth does it matter what your doing.

It's not simply a case of whether the father 'doesn't mind' working longer hours, jet setting off to conferences and 'taking one for the team'. How about we put the children at the centre of all this? They quite like spending time with both parents, and having one parent around 24/7 at the expense of the other parent isn't necessarily putting the child's interests first.

Oh and the bf thing is a red herring tbh because ML is so long nowadays that a child is weaned long before the mum returns to work usually. And of course bf can continue long after returning to work anyway.

And please don't anyone make the judgement mistake of thinking WOHM are bored with their children... We love being with our children just as much as SAHM. It's just we like our work lives too.

Annie petey It doesn't really matter what I am doing. I commented because the later posts seemed to be worded a little too strongly and if taken in isolation could be offensive to SAHMs generally.

I am pleased that you have clarified that you were not talking in general terms.

However I do not think the OP is way off just to be considering this. She probably wanted info as to how people manage, whether there was anything she'd missed. Or she could be just using mumsnet to justify her decision to go back to work, in a roundabout way.

janey Didn't you spot the sarcasm? 'Clutches pearls' was a clue...

I think op is way off. How can cancelling your insurances, not paying your mortgage down and making your dh do extra hours when he doesnt want to is a ridiculous idea.

I think most people have responded very reasonably and rationally to the OP actually. She is talking about a situation where the family would no longer be able to afford basics like house insurance. She is also suggesting the idea that her husband increases his work hours to facilitate her doing less. Neither of those options seem sensible or particularly child centred tbh.

What wordfactory said is spot on: absolutely fine for one parent to give up work if it is affordable and if both parents agree and if it's done from a realistic perspective taking into account the long and short term impacts. It doesn't sound as if the OP has considered any of those things tbh

The consideration is just that and not way off. A bad outcome would be way off.

Do you not ever consider pipe dreams of yours, however unrealistic?

Sometimes, if they are really important to you you find a way of achieving them and a good outcome.

Why doesnt op do childminding? Then will get a good income and free childcare and be with her child.

I always love the "why not just become a childminder". Never mind that the house mught not be suitable, pets may not be suitable and even more importantly the person may not be suited to childcare. Childcare is a profession where you need the right temperment and the love of doing it, not something you take up just so you dont have to leave your own children. People put their utmost trust in childminders as they work alone in most cases.

'At the end of the day, SAHPs do it for themselves, even though they'll try to tell you (and themselves) it's for the children. '

You may like to think that but it is merely your opinion (and not a very -good objective one at that!). I am doing it because I think it is best for DC and also as my DH couldn't work his job unless I was here. Hardly just a 'luxury' for myself! Having previously been a f/t WOHM, I know which I prefer and the DC benefit from but I wouldn't say ALL WMs should quit to stay home or that they are working purely for 'themselves'.