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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How would you feel about it if these were your children?

27 replies

Imperium11 · 20/06/2013 19:56

DS has a friend whose house he goes to fairly regularly and the friend also comes to ours. The mum has three boys.

As I picked DS up I went into the kitchen to have a quick chat and the mum proudly showed me her traffic lights behaviour system, with a picture of her sons. Poor behaviour is moved to red and good to green.

Fine - but my DS's picture was there as well, along with another one of their friends! Hmm

AIBU? I really didn't know what to say. DS is well behaved but even if he wasn't, I don't want him being moved to "red" - I'd like to be told myself!

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 20/06/2013 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 20/06/2013 20:00

How very odd, was your DS is the green?

teenagetantrums · 20/06/2013 20:01

Bit weird how old is your son? maybe he asked to be on there?

WilsonFrickett · 20/06/2013 20:02

Noooo, that's weird. And I am completely of the 'takes a village' mentality, have no problem with other people managing my DS behaviour when he is in their home. But no, that's weird.

Unless he is round there 24/7 and she is making some sort of PA point?

kinkyfuckery · 20/06/2013 20:02

It wouldn't bother me. If my kids are playing at / being looked after by someone else, I expect them to stick to that person's rules.

Salmotrutta · 20/06/2013 20:02

Is this woman a teacher by any chance... Grin

I could totally have seen myself using that on the "naughty" kids who sometimes came when mine were small - only I didn't become a teacher until they were much older! Grin

starlingsintheslipstream · 20/06/2013 20:04

My kids are really envious of other kid's star charts as I can't be arsed with such things! I could definitely imagine them asking to go on!

shewhowines · 20/06/2013 20:05

If he is a regular visiter, then I think it is fine. The more familiar they are in someone elses house, the more likely they are to get up to shared mischief. It's used in schools. It's a good tool to moderate the kids behaviour in her home. She's open about it to you, not keeping it secret.. If you don't like it, say something. Presumably that's why she's shown you.
Very strange for an irregular visiter though, if she does that.

BarbarianMum · 20/06/2013 20:07

Wouldn't bother me at all. She's just disciplining him in the same way she does her other children when he is at her house.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee · 20/06/2013 20:07

So what? He probably asked where his was? Unless she's beating them when they get to red what difference does it make? If your DS was unhappy about it, he'd have told you.

TheFallenNinja · 20/06/2013 20:08

I'd pay him to get to the red Smile

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/06/2013 20:08

I think it's nice she treats him like part of the family.

Nonsensical · 20/06/2013 20:09

Maybe your little boy is always on green and she is trying to incentivise her son?

Original poster
Imperium11 · 20/06/2013 20:10

Glad it isn't just me. He's 7 - sorry, should have said that. I did wonder if she was making the point he's there too much Blush but I always ask first and give loads of get-out clauses, also her DS is at mine just as much. They mainly just play in the garden to be honest. Plus, another boy (who isn't mine!) is on there!

She isn't a teacher, she's a SAHM.

I just want to reiterate, I have no problem whatsoever in DS following someone else's rules but I expect to be the one who manages his behaviour, not someone else (obviously allowing for "oi don't do that!" sort of instructions) He's a really well behaved boy, quite quiet and shy.

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 20/06/2013 20:12

But you are not there and she is.

Original poster
Imperium11 · 20/06/2013 20:12

Chipping, he didn't ask to go on it. I asked him if he'd wanted to be on it and he shook his head fervently. I asked if he'd like me to ask Mrs X to take his picture off and he said he didn't like it being on there as it looked like he might do something bad (exact words.)

I don't think she means any harm with it. But all the same, I don't like it. Of course she isn't beating them up but some form of 'punishment' does follow 'red' and I feel uncomfortable with that being issued, same as the 'reward' when on green.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imperium11 · 20/06/2013 20:13

Katie, then she needs to send him home, if his behaviour is bad (it isn't.)

OP posts:
CrapBag · 20/06/2013 20:15

Hmm, I wouldn't be overly happy about this really. Its fine for her to tell off your son if he plays up but if it was something serious enough to go on red then that should warrant a phone call for you to pick him up.

Our school does the traffic light system, I think its really good and I am thinking of doing it at home as DS is really pushing us at the moment. I wouldn't for a second have any of his friends on it though and I think it is overstepping the mark tbh.

The school has amber for warnings as well. Red is pretty serious stuff.

edlyu · 20/06/2013 20:17

I bet she is trying to show her ds that other children behave and misbehave sometimes .The other children will be on red and green according to their behaviour and so hopefully will her ds .

Maybe her ds was getting blasé about always being on red and normalising his own poor behaviour - the other children move about and learn from their behaviours. Or something Grin

xylem8 · 20/06/2013 20:17

Maybe your little boy is always on green and she is trying to incentivise her son?

^ This^

VRBennett83 · 20/06/2013 20:18

It's a bit odd. I'd feel a bit offended that she felt my little one's behaviour needed to be monitored. If it was my little boy I would want the mother to tell me about his behaviour directly, rather than "mark him" as it were.

MarianForrester · 20/06/2013 20:20

Tbh, I would be extremely unhappy with this and would not want my child to go there. It's not the way I deal with bad behaviour and I don't want my children to think that weirdy charts are the way forwards.

Really odd to include others' children in this too.... Not her place.

cakesofcas · 20/06/2013 20:21

the traffic lights are usually in schools instead of shouting oi don't do that!
It is a little weird that shes photographed and cut out other kid's ... or she has too much time on her hands.
ii wouldnt mind my kids following other family's rules but it is only my job to punish my kids....
... i would ask if he did go on red what would she do then decide if its worth confruntation and possibly embarassing my kids

landofsoapandglory · 20/06/2013 20:23

I think it's a bit odd. I wouldn't have liked my DC to have been put on a chart like that in someone else's home. If their behaviour is that bad that it requires a sanction, surely she should be calling you to pick him up?

ageofgrandillusion · 20/06/2013 20:40

I think it's quality, quite comical. Does this lady have a lot of time on her hands by any chance?

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