Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To cancel DD's birthday playdate? WWYD?

28 replies

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 12:49

It's approaching DD's birthday & my friend & I decided to hold a joint birthday celebration for her DD & my DD as they are born 5 days apart.

The trouble is my friend is heavily pregnant. I had a MMC in Feb & found out she was pregnant 2 days later & due 10 days after what would have been my EDD. It's only lately I find it very difficult to be around her. Guess its cos I keep thinking "I should be at that stage".

I really don't know what to do. I love my friend & her DD & I know my DD would love their joint celebration but whenever I see her I go home & cry. It's playing ony mind so much I even dreamy I was pregnant last night & obviously I awoke feeling shit when reality hit.

WWYD? I feel like a bitch :(

OP posts:

persimmon · 20/06/2013 12:51

You're not a bitch, MCs can take a long time to get over. Could you be honest with your friend about your feelings and see what she suggests?

MorganMummy · 20/06/2013 12:53

I don't think you would be unreasonable as I think this is understandably upsetting. I wouldn't want my child's birthday to be potentially upsetting to me and not enjoyable. I think it does depend how old your Dd is (so will she notice a change in plans?) and how good a friend this lady is - a good friend you could speak honestly to but a less good friend might be less understanding and make you feel worse. I've not had a MC but do have serious fertility issues and am finding all the second-round of babies from my 'mummy friends' hard to take. Nothing wrong with being kind to yourself but I try to be as magnanimous as possible to others as you sound like you are doing.

imnotmymum · 20/06/2013 12:54

A very difficult time for you and I am so sorry. OK do not want to blunt but your DD is looking forward to her party and it is her special day. I agree talk to your friend about how you feel it may help.

megsmouse · 20/06/2013 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Northernlurker · 20/06/2013 13:17

Well of course your friend's pregnancy is very painful for you. That's absolutely understandable and you are grieving for the baby you lost.
However you also have another child who needs to have her special days celebrated.

For me the critical issue is does dd KNOW about the joint party plan? If she does then I'm sorry you've got to find a way to go through with this and paint a smile on your face. If she doesn't know then fine, talk to your friend, explain, apologise and make another plan.

xylem8 · 20/06/2013 13:20

If you have made arrangements you should stick with them.It is hard when you lose a PG but life goes on! This problem isn't going to go away when the baby is born, I think you need to grit your teeth and face up to it.

thebody · 20/06/2013 13:26

Much sympathy op. can completely understand how you might feel but this is your dds treat and its her day. Please go ahead and make her happy.

Put it this way, if you cancel I bet you will feel exactly the same about your friends pregnancy but also bad about your actions.

There are pregnant women everywhere so you can't really avoid this.

Best of luck to you xxx

babyhmummy01 · 20/06/2013 13:28

as others have said, your feelings are perfectly understandable and I am sure if you explain to your friend she will understand and do everything she can to make it easier for you. However, if you cancel you are punishing your DD for something that she has no control over.

As xylem puts it (a little harshly perhaps) but you are always going to have situations where you feel like this and you cannot hide away from them all unfortunately. Maybe the party will be a good thing and give you a distraction - IME kids parties never give parents a moment to stop and think about anything other than what the next game will be.

NatashaBee · 20/06/2013 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 13:52

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

She is a good friend & in some respects that mkes it harder as if I were to be honest I know she'd be hurt - that's why I'm so torn! The last thing I want is for her to feel uncomfortable because of my issues.

thebody you have made an interesting point. No matter what I do my feelings won't change but if I don't go through with it I'll have added guilt. Our DD's will be 3 so not really old enough to get excited about a planned party but once there it would make their day.

I know I'm being pathetic. Women get pregnant all the time (actually 5 of my friends are pregnant but that's a whole other thread about how crap I feel!) & unfortunately women miscarry, I know I'm not the only one. I know I've got to deal with it, I just don't want to get teary on the day.

OP posts:

thebody · 20/06/2013 13:55

You are not at all being pathetic but perfectly honest and that's very brave of you.

You can shed a year at your child's party, I always do.

Best of luck to you op xxx

Viviennemary · 20/06/2013 14:03

I don't think that I would tell the friend how I was feeling because it will make her feel awful. But that's up to you of course. It is sad this has happened and there is nothing anyone can really say to make things better which makes it all the more difficult. You aren't being pathetic. I really don't know what I'd do in your situation so I'm afraid that's no help. But my sympathy.

Nat38 · 20/06/2013 14:08

Could you not try to pass the tears off-if they come at the party!-as happiness to a certain extent that your DD is so happy??
If anyone delves a bit further than admit it`s also due to your MC.
Sorry if I seem insensitive, just trying to help with suggestions to help you cope.

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 14:40

Thanks everyone.

Nat, no you don't seem insensitive. A few tears I could pass off as a misty-eyed mother, I'm worried about a full on sob fest. I've been bottling up everything for so long (no-one talks about the MC, almost like its never happened), that I'm worried that all the emotion will come out in one great flood. Don't think that'll go down well over birthday cake & presents.

OP posts:

imnotmymum · 20/06/2013 14:53

Talk about it. Bring it up I am guessing your DH is feeling as bad but does not want to bring it up in case he upsets you. We were tetchy after our MC and one day all came flooding out . YOu need to talk x

WilsonFrickett · 20/06/2013 15:01

I think you should talk to your friend before the party and actually let it all out. This happened to me, except friend was also my boss. We were pg at the same time, she lost her baby then she had to do all my 'pregnancy admin' for my mat leave etc. It was really hard on her and I still think she is one of the bravest people I know.

But we spent a lot of time crying, and I was super-sensitive to the fact that sometimes when everyone was coo-ing over my bump it was hard for her. we had a wee code word that we used in that situation, so she knew I knew sort of thing. I'm not expressing it very well! but talk to your friend, tell her you're finding it hard and give her the chance to put her arms round you. Just do it before the party!

I'm sorry for your loss x

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 16:08

Wilson you sound like an amazing friend.

I really don't know what to do. The consensus seems to be continue with the celebration which I'll think I'll do. I'll just have to put my energies into the kids rather than the other mums & pending baby talk.

Not sure I can talk to my friend (as awful as that sounds). Wouldn't know where to start & really don't want to upset her at 8 months pg. Besides everyone assumes I'm okay. I only had time off to recover from ERPC & have never cried on anyone's shoulder. Think it would come as a shock if people knew how much of a mess I am in private.

OP posts:

PicaK · 20/06/2013 18:32

Hmm, i've done the grit my teeth thing and then found myself having a small breakdown after the event. I've done the not talking about it thing too. As determined as you can be to not let it win and ruin your friendships sometimes you just need to give yourself a break.

Go ahead with the party. Wouldn't you invite her if you had a different party. Recognise it will be hard and make sure you have someone there who knows how you feel. It's enormously reassuring just to get the nod that says U are doing well, girl.

Counselling helps - it really does. Even just one session to rant and wail and yell "i want my baby" without anyone trying to fix the problem just hear you out.

Have you been on the mc board here. Very supportive and heartbreaking as it is to read it's also a relief to realise so many people have the same reaction.

Be kind to yourself. The most common advice and also the best.

thebody · 20/06/2013 18:46

Ickle, agree so much with picaK. Keep posting and honestly pick one of your friends you can off load to and do it.

Bet they are all trying to help but won't bring it up if you seem like you are coping.

Telling people you aren't is ok you know. Xxx

WilsonFrickett · 20/06/2013 19:02

Thanks ickle, my friend is pretty special so that makes it easy

. If you can't talk to your friend, is there anyone else? As thebody says, I bet all your friends are thinking 'wow, look at ickle, she's coping so well...' you do need a shoulder to cry on I think x

Mindyourownbusiness · 20/06/2013 19:16

I agree with those who say don't say anything to your friend, a good friend who knows presumably about your mmc is surely already aware and conscious of being a constant reminder to her friend and would hope doesn't 'flaunt' (sorry sounds awful but cant think of a better expression) her pregnancy too much around you.

But a heavily 8 months pregnant lady can hardly hide her condition either , so you would put her in a very awkward position where she was pre - analysing every pat of her bump, every little smile to herself and every comment or conversation relating to her pregnancy or baby in terms of whether it would upset you, her friend. It may even make her feel guilty about her own happiness and l am sure you wouldn't want that as you sound a lovely friend.

I think from personal experience that every time you are in one of these situations you get a little stronger, almost like aversion therapy and as others have said there are always going to be milestones. situations like these on the horizon, so going ahead with it might help you in a very small way in the long term. Sometimes the 'fear' of these situations becomes all-consuming yet the actual situation itself turn out not too bad after all.

So sorry for your loss.

HorryIsUpduffed · 20/06/2013 19:27

A friend and I were pg at the same time. We both mc - but I lost a singleton and she lost a twin.

It was very hard for me at first, then ok for a bit, then bad when she had a massive bump. Now even though I have another child I still look at her DS (that is, survivor DTS) and feel resentment or something, because he is the literal embodiment of "what might have been". So yes it is very hard and unpredictably so.

But you see her anyway. Why will the party be worse than other meetings? Celebrating the miracle of your DD's birth can be a very affirming thing.

Good luck but be kind to yourself.

Original poster

icklemssunshine1 · 20/06/2013 20:00

Thanks everyone.

Mindyourown that's exactly how I feel. When I MCed it was a mutual friend who told me she was PG. I texted her to say congratulations & she replied saying that she wanted to tell me but felt guilty! I know she's sad too about what's happened to me. It would've been lovely to see the pregnancies through together like the first time. I take an interest in her pregnancy as its exciting, it just hurts too.

PikA, thanks for the advice. It would be nice to talk to someone who can just listen. I feel I can't talk now as time has lapsed & I just don't want to bring my friends down. I'm the one in my circle of friends who people go to for support, I'm known to be strong, so it's hard to break that role.

I do hover around the MC boards & I've posted on AIBU a few times before & have always received much welcomed support.

I feel much better than I did a few hours ago. The "should I/shan't I" was making me feel guilty. I'm going to go & focus on what I have (my super gorgeous DD) & for one day) not focus on what I'm missing.

Thank you to everyone for your advice & support - you've all made me feel a little better.

OP posts:

Dh2812 · 20/06/2013 21:17

I'm so sorry for your loss op. It is an awful situation.
I would really think long and hard about talking to your friend about this and ask yourself if it will actually make you feel any better? Yes, your friend will understand why you will find the party hard and why you might cry, but ultimately there is nothing she can do to hide her pregnancy and will make her feel really guilty.
Are there other friends you can talk to about this? Send you husband if you will find it too hard.

shewhowines · 20/06/2013 21:23

I think you should try to go ahead but I would understand if you couldn't.

If I was your friend, I would feel more hurt that you felt that you couldn't talk to me, than if you did and explained how you felt. Are you sure you can't talk it over with her, and then make a decision how to proceed?

Flip

1 2