AIBU to keep in contact with ex's daughter?

[Sophita]

I?m a newbie and I don?t know if posting here is my brightest idea, but I would really welcome a range of honest perspectives and the benefit of other people?s experience. Sorry that this is so long ?seemed best to lay it all out straightaway.

In April, my partner of 7 years announced that he was leaving me for his new girlfriend. She is pregnant. We do not have any children together, but he has a daughter (15) from his relationship before me.

Because I think people will ask, I might as well say now that he was still in that relationship when he met me. At first he didn?t tell me about his partner & kid. When he did confess, I was already completely smitten by him. I?m not proud of how I behaved, but anyone wishing to point out ?you lost him the way you got him? please rest assured there are plenty saying the same in my real life.

Anyway, his daughter & I have not always had an easy relationship (I think partly because I?m only 27, so the age gap between us is quite awkward), but over the years we have spent lots of time together ? every other weekend plus some holidays and as she got older she would increasingly pop round for her dinner of an evening ? and over the last year or so, we?ve actually become really close.

Since her dad left me, she has been living with her mum, and visiting her dad at his new girlfriend?s house. She is clearly feeling very upset and unnerved by all the changes. She has also made it clear that she would like to stay in contact with me ? she?s been calling / texting almost every day, she visits the house or I arrange to meet her in town for lunch sometimes.

The problem is this: her mum and dad and the new girlfriend all agree that I?m not helping. They say that if I was out the picture, then she would just have to get on with it and she would adjust to changes.

I?m reaching the point where I don?t know what to do for the best. I care about her very much, but it is really hurtful to be getting so much hassle from her parents ? particularly when I?d love to just draw a line under my relationship and move forward. My ex keeps pointing out that she?s still a child, her parents know what is best for her, and I don?t have kids so what would I know. Even my own friends and family think it is a mistake to stay too involved. At the same time, when she is calling me in tears or turning up on the doorstep at dinnertime, I just want to be there for her.

So, what would you do? What would you recommend for the best? And has anyone else been in a similar position?

sorry, I do not know why all the apostrophes have come out as question marks

Oh I dont know how sad the poor girl you were her friend and because you and her dad have split she has to pretend you don't exist Could you speak to her mum and try and say while you wont get involved as such you would like the girl to be able to call or text you now and again as friends she needs a friendly adult in her life but maybe she is relying on you a bit much but she is hurting too her feelings matter, I am not sure what you should do but maybe speaking to her mum rather than her dad would be better, and she is 15 she is almost a grown up she can make her mind up if she wants to adjust or not to changes she is not a little girl,

Gosh, that's really tough (and the question marks/apostrophe's probably came from typing it out in word and copying over, that's what usually happens to me).

I think it would be very sad if you cut contact entirely, but perhaps if you limit it? Everyday is probably too much, and it is a crutch to her. Possibly avoid seeing her in person for awhile, but make it clear that if there was an emergency that she can always contact you.

(Have no personal knowledge of this though, just my gut instinct).

Thanks MrsJay and DIYapprentice - appreciate the advice and the fact that I'm not getting instant flaming! (as probably clear from first post, have been feeling quite defensive about how history repeats itself...)

I think you are both right - that I do need to establish some boundaries for both our sake, but that she isn't a little girl anymore. I will try talking to her mum. We don't have the best history, but I think we're probably more capable of having a calm chat right now that me and the ex.

And thanks also for the tip about Word pasting - will remember that one.

I think you're really generous and kind.

I've had a similar experience and it is really hard to be forced to reject a child because adults around her have moved on.

The relationship may peter out of its own accord in future but right now I suspect the continuity and comfort it affords her is a very positive thing.

Good for you for being the grown up; she's lucky to have such a thoughtful friend.

I don't think it is as simple as 'you are not helping'.

I don't have any advice, other than it is a really complicated situation, with complicated dynamics, so don't beat yourself up that it is not clear what to do. Talk it through with as many of the people involved as possible.

Good luck.

First of all tour well shot of the tosser and of course he will leave this new partner high and dry as well.

She's 15 so I think she may have a day in this. If I were you I would text her to day she is always welcome to see you but not to lie to her parents.

Nothing to add but I hated my grandad for getting rid of my new grandma ... We were really close (she was around for 5 years) and when he split with her she was removed from the family - I still remember her and wonder what happened to her.

You seem to have beaten yourself up with the 'What he does with you, he'll do to you stick' & your post is about a confused teenager - not the rights or wrongs of your relationship with him or you sobbing 'woe is me' also, I don't think you'll be doing that again in a hurry will you!

You have been in her life for 7 years, it is not fair of them to expect her to lose you out of her life because he can't keep it in his pants - and any whinging from him and that's what he needs to be told. She is 15 not 5 - they cannot choose her friends.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say all of the adults owe it to her to have you involved in her life as much as she wants you to be and they just need to suck it up.

Talk to her Mum if you think it will help, but at the end of the conversation if she is saying you are not to keep in touch with her DD just tell her that you will take your cue from her DD - she is 15, she is NOT a little girl and you are not some seedy bloke - you are someone who spent 7 years building up a relationship with her and it is her right to continue that - it is not her fault her father is twat. Poor kid.

Thanks again for all advice - a couple of posters have used the word 'friend' to describe the relationship & that is actually really helpful - ex has said a few times now that 'you're not her stepmum anymore' (not that I ever tried to have that kind of relationship anyway) and I've struggled to explain that I still feel connected to her. So something as simple as saying 'yes, but I'd still like to be her friend'

And people are also right that 15 isn't that young. I forget that sometimes, because she is a lot younger than I was at her age, if that makes sense? But definitely old enough to have a say in who / what will be helpful for her right now.

notapizzaeater - that's really sad and something I will keep to heart - last thing I want is for her to feel like that about me down the line.

& Chipping - appreciate the honesty, and I agree that it isn't helpful for me to mix up my own daft feelings / self pity about her dad with the more important question of his daughter. I will try to channel some of that assertiveness!

Nothing to add re the daughter but just wanted to say not to be too hard on yourself regarding the he did it with you so he will do it to you thing. I've been there, got the tee shirt and its awful when you're heartbroken and everyone's queuing up to say "I told you so". You sound very grounded and nice and you're well rid.

Shit happens sometimes and relationships can be complicated. Not everyone experiences the old fashioned "boy meets girl, fall in love, marry, have children and live happy ever after" and it's not your fault who you fall for. HE was the one in a relationship when he met you and had the opportunity then to back off. But he didn't and now he's done the same again. Frankly she's more likely to be damaged by her Dad's twattish behaviour than staying in contact with you. It's up to her who she wants to stay in contact with. Can see a future where she is friends with her Dad's exes and not in touch with him at all. I still see my step-children - though they are adult now. Their Dad doesn't like it and nor does their mother (he left her for me) but tough shit.

"The problem is this: her mum and dad and the new girlfriend all agree that I'm not helping. They say that if I was out the picture, then she would just have to get on with it and she would adjust to changes."

I was just trying to think of it from a different angle. What if you weren't her dad's ex, but had been the next-door-neighbour, and they had moved house? Wouldthey object to her keeping in touch with an ex-neighbour who had become a friend? I don't think they would. They're not looking at it from the 15-year-old's point of view; they're looking at it from theirs. Your ex and his new girlfriend want to airbrush you out of their lives, and you being friends with his daughter is massively inconvenient. To them, not his daughter.

I think it's heartless of them to take the view that she should 'just have to get on with it'. They're not considering her welfare, only their own comfort.

I agree they want her to adjust and be ok with it all for their sakes not hers what a shame poor girl

It sounds to me like HE wants you out of the picture because you are a reminder to both him and his new girlfriend of what a twat he is...if you're around (ie if his daughter is mentioning you etc) maybe he thinks his new GF will keep being reminded of the way they got together. That's his issue though.

It's a tricky one, you do sound very nice and obviously care about the girl. She is 15, if she chooses to still be friends with you (I had friends in their 20s at that age) then it's up to her surely!

You sound well shot of this loser. And yes, they're doing what is easiest for them, not her. The fact he can't keep it in his pants should not mean that all contact from someone this girl has grown to care for and trust must stop.

Poor her.

You've known her for seven years, since she was young. You are part of her life, and vice versa. As others have said, stay friends with her.

I just wanted to say how much it has meant to have people agree that I'm not being silly in wanting to maintain this friendship - as I said, my own friends & family in real life have not been particularly supportive (they never liked my ex, so I think they see it as best to cut all ties), and I was really beginning to question myself and second guess my instincts as to what was best for her in the long run.

I've contacted her mum (A), explained that as much as I respect that she is the parent, I have been in her dd's (B) life for a long time now & I'd like to stay that way as long as it makes B happy. I've asked if it would be feasible for me to take over driving B to and from one of her extra curricular activities - so that it's hopefully not imposing, but is providing B with chance for regular catch up and chat -and if that worked out, then maybe B would be happy with that and not want to turn up on the door so often (which I honestly don't have an issue with myself, but A hasn't been keen on).

Fingers crossed A goes for it - she did say she would think about it and discuss with B.

I'm feeling a lot more confident at least that I am trying to do the right thing. Thank you all for helping me

If she wants to keep in contact with you, I don't see what the problem is. The only time I'd advise against it would be if she didn't seem particularly interested in doing so but you wanted to so as to keep in contact with her dad. As this doesn't sound like the case, it should be okay. However, I'd probably try to resist the temptation to discuss the former relationship between you and her dad or the new relationship between him and NW. Good luck.

I'd just say I think it's important for you to avoid using her as your support post split iyswim.

I don't agree that cutting you out would helpful. you are probably a trusted adult she can talk to openly who isn't her mum and isn't her dad. that seems like a good thing. Seems to me that maintaining a stable relationship with you would be helpful not a hindrance.

I think at 15 she can decide if she wants to maintain a friendship with you and set the pace. She has a lot to deal with having a change of step parent and a new sibling, let alone just being 15.
The only thing that is really important is that you don't vent your feelings about your ex to her. However you feel he is her Dad, but you seem like you just want to be supportive which is great.
I kept in touch with my step mum after my Dad died and my Mum wholly supported us. The only reason that fizzled was because she used to talk to me as if she knew me better than she did ( she knew me or a year or so when I was 9, not so transferable to a 19 year old).

OP - you may not be a parent, but I think you are being decidedly more parental towards this young girl than her mum and dad are. I think they are being selfish and you are putting the girls feelings as a priority, as you should. I would continue the friendship with her, just make sure you don't discuss her parents or your previous relationship with her dad with her, which I sure you wouldn't. You sound lovely!

I agree with every

...one else above.

Hope for a sensible reply from A. Well done for tackling it appropriately.