AIBU to keep in contact with ex's daughter?

[Sophita]

I?m a newbie and I don?t know if posting here is my brightest idea, but I would really welcome a range of honest perspectives and the benefit of other people?s experience. Sorry that this is so long ?seemed best to lay it all out straightaway.

In April, my partner of 7 years announced that he was leaving me for his new girlfriend. She is pregnant. We do not have any children together, but he has a daughter (15) from his relationship before me.

Because I think people will ask, I might as well say now that he was still in that relationship when he met me. At first he didn?t tell me about his partner & kid. When he did confess, I was already completely smitten by him. I?m not proud of how I behaved, but anyone wishing to point out ?you lost him the way you got him? please rest assured there are plenty saying the same in my real life.

Anyway, his daughter & I have not always had an easy relationship (I think partly because I?m only 27, so the age gap between us is quite awkward), but over the years we have spent lots of time together ? every other weekend plus some holidays and as she got older she would increasingly pop round for her dinner of an evening ? and over the last year or so, we?ve actually become really close.

Since her dad left me, she has been living with her mum, and visiting her dad at his new girlfriend?s house. She is clearly feeling very upset and unnerved by all the changes. She has also made it clear that she would like to stay in contact with me ? she?s been calling / texting almost every day, she visits the house or I arrange to meet her in town for lunch sometimes.

The problem is this: her mum and dad and the new girlfriend all agree that I?m not helping. They say that if I was out the picture, then she would just have to get on with it and she would adjust to changes.

I?m reaching the point where I don?t know what to do for the best. I care about her very much, but it is really hurtful to be getting so much hassle from her parents ? particularly when I?d love to just draw a line under my relationship and move forward. My ex keeps pointing out that she?s still a child, her parents know what is best for her, and I don?t have kids so what would I know. Even my own friends and family think it is a mistake to stay too involved. At the same time, when she is calling me in tears or turning up on the doorstep at dinnertime, I just want to be there for her.

So, what would you do? What would you recommend for the best? And has anyone else been in a similar position?

Don't forget as well that her mum may still have her own agenda, however much water may have passed under the bridge since your affair.

15 is a pretty vulnerable time - she's obviously unsettled and feels like she needs to see you. It may fizzle out as she comes to terms with all the change, but a long as she is the one instigating contact I think it's fine. I think defining your role as a friend rather than a parent is right - more like a young aunt or teacher.

By the way, are you ok? Don't forget to look after yourself.

*Fingers crossed A goes for it - she did say she would think about it and discuss with B.

I'm feeling a lot more confident at least that I am trying to do the right thing. Thank you all for helping me*

I think you have done the right thing you sound lovely and want to do right by the girl, she is lucky to have you I hope her mum goes for it for her DDs sake I know she is only trying to protect her but she is 15 and able to make her own decisions but you have put a boundry (sp) there for you all.

By way of an update - A has agreed that I can take over the driving duties for this activity, on the condition that I try to keep contact limited to this one evening and dissuade B from additional meet ups. Seems like best chance of being able to support B without causing further arguments between her and her mum or being seen as imposing on family life, so I'm hopeful this will work out. Have spoken to B and she's happy enough with the compromise. She really is a lovely girl, and I'm glad that I'll get to see her on a more stable basis.

Ex is Not Amused, but that's just tough. I've told him that I've got no intention of trying to undermine him / discussing him with B - if she's cross with him, it's on her own terms, not because I'm putting her up to it - but I think he would prefer to blame me for her current attitude towards him.

AView - I am surprisingly ok, thank you for asking. Am seeing things clearly and trying to use this as chance to get my act together in general - new job, new gym regime, positive attitude etc - sure there'll be some crashes and bad days ahead too, but I know I'm better off single.

I'm glad you've got something sorted that seems to keep the important people happy. Who knows, maybe once more time has passed, the mother might be more comfortable with you seeing her more often. Once she's 16 she doesn't really have a say, but at the same time, I imagine you won't want to be causing drama and trouble for B at home.

I'm also glad you're doing OK

OP, I had a similar situation when I was about your age, which a 'step' daughter who was the same age.
I split up with her Dad - but no one else involved, although he starred saying that now he was 'free', he would move abroad which he then did a couple of years later, so she was quite unsettled

I hadn't ever positioned myself as a stepmother during my relationship with him, so we had much more of a friendship than any other sort of relationship. We went out for girly days and I took her out to the village pub for illegal drinks in the pub garden on sunny days!

When I split up with her Dad, she was initially quite 'clingy'. Not in an annoying way, but she was definitely in touch more than when I was with him. I think she just wanted to check she was still wanted.

The way I saw it, my loyalty was with my friend above with the man who had dumped me and kicked me out of my home at a few days notice. Why should his wishes count above those of someone who has been nothing more than a good friend and asked for nothing more than friendship in return?
The unwritten agreement was that we didn't discuss him, or our relationship. I didn't want to slag off her dad and she didn't want to be put in a position where he could ask her about me and what I was up to.

I'm sure there was an element of attention seeking on her part, because he paid her a bit more attention knowing we were in contact.

Within a few months, the contact reduced and eventually fizzed out.
10 years on, we are still in touch and are friends on Facebook, so we get to see what we are up to. Touchingly, she got quite cruelly dumped by her boyfriend of 3 years, and I was one of the first people she got in touch with, so we had a day out which turned into wine and a night out.

So what that little essay was supposed to say is she will be hurting a lot and doesn't need to lose you as well. Her dad is the only person who should be punished by losing friends.

Don't be surprised if it is a bit of a phase, but hell, you spent many years seeing a lot of this girl. Why should you both just forget that ever happened to make it easier for you bastard ex to cover up his cheating?

I still think A is being unreasonable in her demands, but it's a starting point isn't it - see how it goes.

It sounds like you are well shot of this twerp too.

I agreed need more distance but she's almost an adult so if she wants some contact I think that's ok. I would say to her that need boundaries - maybe spend a couple of hours together once a week and gradually over time she will be able to move on, as will you.

sophita That seems a really sensible compromise the mum is just wanting to protect her dd and if you just have that evening when you meet her to take her to her thing then all is good,( you can work up to more contact) and as for dad PFFT he is just feeling guilty and looking for anybody else to blame

sparechange thanks for sharing - I can definitely recognise some of that dynamic!

am just really looking forward to seeing her next week & knowing it's been sanctioned by at least one of her parents - be able to actually relax a bit, instead of feeling like I'm acting out of order.