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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be cross that a fellow mum is holding a school place

34 replies

wheresthebloodydogmummy · 19/06/2013 10:00

She has absolutely no intention of using it. Didn't turn up to the parents' evening last night. We're second on the list - so close enough that we'll almost definitely get a place - but are having to go through induction at another school, plus missing all the run-up at the one we'll probably be going to. DD (4, obv) is finding the whole thing a bit unsettling. It's such a major step for little ones. It makes me bloody cross.

OP posts:
Dawndonna · 19/06/2013 10:01

How do you know who it is? Perhaps she didn't turn up because she couldn't.

RoooneyMara · 19/06/2013 10:02

how do you know?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 19/06/2013 10:03

Yes how do you know? Second on the list means someone is ahead of you doesn't it? Also those lists change like the wind OP...it's not immovable.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/06/2013 10:06

Do you know for sure that she will not be using the place?

And you will not definitley get a place, if someone joins the waiting list that has a higher priority than distance.

Pixieonthemoor · 19/06/2013 10:06

Do you know the mum at all? Would it be worth calling her and explaining that if she is def not going to be using the place, could she inform the school as you are desperate for it and would like for your dd to feel a bit more settled. This limbo must be horrid for all of you - I know, I have been through the same thing! If she is genuinely not going to use the place then it's no skin off her nose. But then again, she might be waiting on her first choice too.....

doormat · 19/06/2013 10:08

Get a grip love...do you live in her shoes...for all you know there is prob a good explanation why she didnt attend parents eveningg....you are being too judgemental imho...and your dd is more than likely unsettled because you are jangling on abit too much...

Indith · 19/06/2013 10:10
  1. how do you know? What do you mean she has no intention of using it? Does she have a confirmed place elsewhere? If not then she may still need her place.
  2. Don't get cross at her because of your school place problems.
  3. Don't make it unsettling for your dd. She is 4, if you don't talk about it being unsettling then it won't be. 4 year olds IME do not tend to start discussing school places at toddler groups, it is their parents who do that. You can perfectly easily talk about starting school and if the "where?" question comes up say "I don't know, mummy doesn't choose the council does, they have a big job of finding places for all the little boys and girls. It will either b X or Y. Isn't that exciting, I can't wait to find out can you?"

I am currently officially holding a place I "have no intention of using". I accepted the place but appealed for my first choice. I found out yesterday that we got into our first choice but the official offer is not yet through.

It has not been unsettling for dd. It has not been unsettling because we have not gone to induction stuff at the allocated school. I phoned them, explained I was appealing for another school and agreed with them that if we didn't win our appeal we could organise settling in sessions for her separately rather than her have to go to stuff for a school she may not go to as that would have been unsettling for her. Simple really.

TwoTearsInABucket · 19/06/2013 10:11

i can understand that it is frustrating, but again, how do you know that she is not using the place and the circumstances surrounding why she didn't go to parents' evening?

DD is nearly 4 and starting in September. We are appealing to get her into her brother's school, although we did accept her offered place. I plan on continuing with DD's induction to the school she has been offered a place at but it will be confusing for her if she doesn't end up going there. Sometimes life is like that and you just have to help make it less confusing.
Plus I won't be able to go to parents' evening for that place because DH will have just started a new job, the evening starts at 5 pm and they said don't bring your children. So with no babysitter I can't go.

Life's unfair. Especially with schools at the moment!

TwoTearsInABucket · 19/06/2013 10:12

Although having just read Indith's post, maybe I shouldn't go ahead with the induction!

LIZS · 19/06/2013 10:14

If a private school place it may depend on funding /finances or assessment, if they plan to move that may not be finalised. You can't blame a parent for hedging her bets and I expect the school will follow up absences with letters. It will only unsettle your dd if you let it

Elquota · 19/06/2013 10:15

YABU. Is there some other reason you don't like this person? It does sound a bit like you're looking for reasons to criticise her. Presumably if she's "holding a school place" it means she doesn't have an alternative school offer at the moment.

gazzalw · 19/06/2013 10:20

I think it's more than likely that you will get a place by September. This happened to us with DS (now in Year 7) when he was due to go into Reception.... a mother with twins moved to North London and although everyone including the school knew that she'd moved, she failed to inform the local council that she was 'releasing' the two places at the primary school DS was on the waiting list for....everyone knew at the end of June but she obviously didn't write the letter until the Summer hols because we were only offered a place just before the start of term...

Unfortunately you cannot do anything but sit it out and wait....

Good luck.... I am sure you will be successful...

MNEdBlackpoolWiganandSalford · 19/06/2013 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Indith · 19/06/2013 10:21

I wouldn't TwoTears, if the worst happens and you don't get her into your first choice then just sort out some sessions with the school after, she won't know that she missed the same session as everyone else. We made that mistake with ds1, took him to the sessions as they were before his appeal for other school and he was so confused poor boy.

Original poster
wheresthebloodydogmummy · 19/06/2013 10:24

She's told me where her son is going. To the school where she teaches.

OP posts:
LilacPeony · 19/06/2013 10:25

I know someone who went private but held a place at her very oversubscribed local outstanding state school and never bothered to let them know. They phoned on the first day of school when her child didn't turn up and she let them know then. It happens at high schools too as the high schools i have looked round have said there are always a few who hold the place and then just don't turn up on the fist day. Very selfish

Original poster
wheresthebloodydogmummy · 19/06/2013 10:30

And she's really lovely! The mum, that is. We're purposely keeping it all really low key but they do discuss it with their little mates. It's the induction bit that's bothering me. It feels a bit irresponsible to leave it when we're not guaranteed a place at the other school, but she's getting so excited about it that the prospect of pulling her away at the last minute seems a bit mean. Maybe I do just need to put it all to one side but there's talk of nothing else around the mums and kids at the moment.

OP posts:
gazzalw · 19/06/2013 10:36

I'm very surprised your DD is allowed to go to an induction day if she's not yet got a place... DS wasn't and he was already in Nursery at the primary school he was on the waiting list for....

Original poster
wheresthebloodydogmummy · 19/06/2013 10:40

I mean the induction at the school that we've been offered.

OP posts:
LastTangoInDevonshire · 19/06/2013 10:40

gazzalw - OPs daughter is having to go through induction at another school !

gazzalw · 19/06/2013 10:48

Sorry Blush - that will teach me to multi-task....

MNEdBlackpoolWiganandSalford · 19/06/2013 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeWe · 19/06/2013 11:32

But they can take ages to pass the place on. She's not necessarily holding on to it. It may be that she has passed it on, and someoen else has come and pipped you to the top of the waiting list for some reason.

I couple of years ago I knew two people with reception starters. One was moving away and she turned down the place as soon as she knew they were definitely moving by September. That was in mid May.
The other had a sudden move into the area, and her children were put down as exceptional circumstance and went straight to the top of the waiting list of the same school. That was at the beginning of May.

Second friend got told she had a place after the end of the summer term at the beginning of August.
Despite being top of the waiting list, it took over 2 months for them to inform her. So she missed all the induction days, the meet the teacher days, the second hand uniform sale... despite her knowing that she definitely had a place, just had to wait to be told.
The school was sympathetic to her, but they were not in charge of the waiting lists, so couldn't just put her into the induction times.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 19/06/2013 11:54

What DeWe said.....I actually spent over a year at the top of a list and then got shunted to second as a child with more rights came along. it took 3 years to get our place. It was worth the wait though as we were in a shitty school and had to get out.

Indith · 19/06/2013 12:08

If she is lovely maybe next time it comes up just say something like "by the way did you know you have to tell them you don't want the place? I thought it was all done automatically when you accepted another place but apparently you have to ring them"

It could be a genuine error on her part. I did it myself with nursery. I moved dd to a different one as I wasn't happy with local preschool. New one said they took care of all the details and I didn't have to do anything but a couple of weeks into the new term old nursery (clearly on the ball Hmm) rang me to ask why dd hadn't been.......