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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my 5 year old DD was able to stand up a little bit to other little girl?

40 replies

Lionprince · 18/06/2013 20:37

Or to want to learn some ways in which I can help her feel that she can not feel so sad about it?

My DD has always been very sociable, easy going and caring towards other children. She's also sensitive and can feel hurt quite easily but she internalises this. If another child really wants their own way, she will always concede rather than fall out with them.

I'm quite upset about something that's been going on with her best friend. The other little girl has begun not being very nice to my little girl, and my DD is so upset she has burst into tears on a few occasions and no longer wants to go to school unless I stay with her. Obviously not possible and I feel concerned about how much her feelings are being hurt and how she's dealing with it, which seems to be wanting the other girl to like her even more.

It's as though the more the other little girl pushes her away, the more she wants to be her friend. I know they are only 5 but I am concerned and would desperately like to hear some other views on how I can best get my daughter through this difficult time with her friend. I've been talking to her and giving her lots of reassurance but she still just wants to be and do what her friend is, to the point where she won't enjoy anything unless it's the same as what X is doing.

Just as an example of what's been happening, this dialogue is pretty typical of their daily exchanges:

DD: (excited) look X, we've got the same hairstyle today!
OG: well I don't want the same hair as you. And I am going to play with XX today and not you (turns and walks off).

When my DD last went to other girl's house for a play, she came home and told me she hadn't let her touch any of her toys!? They've always shared really well beforehand.

When the other girl last came to our house, she came to me to tell tales on my DD on 5 occasions. The first time she came to me and said my DD. had hurt her "on purpose" (!!!) and in fact I'd seen what had happened, my DD tripped over and fell on her arm and said sorry immediately without being asked. The other girl shouted at her "you hurt me!" and I mean she really shouted, and my DD just looked upset and a bit worried.

Today at school the other girl came over to say that she had another friend coming over to her house. My DD just burst into tears. My DD also had a friend coming over but didn't say so. I asked her why she didn't say and she said she didn't want to because X would not say nice things and that would make her feel sad.

I don't think the other girl has a spiteful streak, I have known her since age 2. I would like to understand better what's going on though, and how I can help my DD not be the 'pleaser'. It's odd because my DD is quite popular in the class and wouldn't let any of the other children talk to her like this. She would and has told others she doesn't want to play with them unless they're kind and not naughty.

OP posts:
NotSoNervous · 18/06/2013 20:43

Sorry no real advice, could you speak to the other girls mum and ask her to have a word with her DD and tell her that's she's being mean and hurting your DDs feelings and that's not very nice?

BoshBosh · 18/06/2013 20:48

I would have a chat with your DD and explain that if someone is unkind to you it's best not to play with them and to go off and play with others instead. I would also be encouraging other friendships and invite other girls round for your DD to play with.

Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 20:51

I could if things don't change. My idea at the moment is to encourage lots of socialising with other little girls in the class. So that my DD sees she doesn't have to depend on or worry too much about her best friend (not so best friend at the moment).

I am very good friends with the other mum and strangely I am finding it more difficult to speak to her about it than if we hardly knew each other.

We've never had anything but compliments for each others children, and the other mum is the type to never let it be known that her DD, for example, has had a meltdown or behaved badly.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 18/06/2013 20:52

You could speak to the class teacher or head about it. This doesn't necessarily mean the parents will become involved; it just means the class teacher (and TA's) plus the dinner ladies (MDA's) will be made aware of the situation and can facilitate nicer behaviour from the other girl, teaching her about hurting feelings, and facilitate your daughter having a good range of other friends to play with, using a buddy system in times of distress if they have one, that kind of thing. Its usually a last resort to go to the parents about it because actually the parents cant control (for want of a better word) a child who is not at that time in their care whereas staff can intervene and keep an added eye if necessary.

Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 20:54

boshbosh, thank you. That's more or less what I've done so far. DD did play with other girls at school today, but after telling me that, she said she wished she had played the same instrument as X today in music class!

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 18/06/2013 20:56

Just read your last post. You shouldn't have to speak about it if the majority of it is taking place in school. Trust me, talk to the teacher or head or pastoral care person - you can stipulate that it would be awkward to involve the mother but if they could keep an eye out for stuff at playtime and in the classroom. Raising it directly with the mum can be bad news; and because the mum need not necessarily become involved, and at the age of 5 nobody is actually in "trouble", its just a case of facilitating healthy play and relationships, the best thing to do is speak to the person that is overseeing the majority of the school day.

TattyDevine · 18/06/2013 20:57

There is a bit of "idolising" going on here by the sounds of it which is common and can be difficult. This you can help her work through, by the way.

Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 21:00

Thanks tattydevine. That makes absolute sense. I did mention to class teacher a few weeks ago because DD was so upset when I took her into class.

I really played it down though, perhaps I need to explain a little more clearly what's going on. The other little girl is coming to our house again tomorrow (arranged a long time ago, now I'm trying not to do so much with them). It's quite a good chance for me to see if things have changed at all or are still the same. My DD mostly doesn't want to talk about it with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 21:04

Idolising is indeed what is going on. Confused as to why other than the other little girl has realised she can do this. And where/why did this suddenly appear? They've had such a sweet friendship for 3 years.

They really are on a par with where they're at with friends groups, capability at school, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 21:17

He anyone been through something similar recently? More reassurance and advice needed over here :(

OP posts:
Mintyy · 18/06/2013 21:19

You might get more support/help if you post in the behaviour, parenting, or primary school topics.

Its not really an aibu question, tbh.

Jinsei · 18/06/2013 21:24

I agree, talk to the school. Teachers are usually very good at dealing with stuff like this. :)

Just to offer a different perspective, though...could it be that the other child doesn't want to be "best friends" and is trying to distance herself a bit from your dd? My own dd is a bit older but really struggles with another little girl in her class wanting to be "best friends" when she doesn't, and while I hope she hasn't been mean in any way, I know she finds it a bit suffocating at times.

The other girl is a lovely child, who has other friends, and dd does enjoy playing with her. However, she wants to play with other people too, and the other little girl doesn't like it, gets very upset and angry about it, and tries to make dd feel guilty if she talks too much to anyone else. The other child also seems to copy dd a lot, and this upsets and irritates dd too. As a result, dd is reluctant to play with the other little girl at all now, which is a pity as they do basically get on. Like you, I'm friendly with the parents and find it hard to discuss this with them.

I'm not saying that your dd is doing the same as this other little girl, as obviously, I have no idea. However, it might be worth considering whether or not this could be a possibility - she obviously places great importance on this particular friendship, so could it be that she is a little bit possessive of her friend? Or a bit too keen to be the same as her? I have discovered that it's very hard to persuade a small child that imitation is the highest form of flattery - I guess they are too busy trying to establish their own individual identities at that age!

If I were you, I'd definitely focus on nurturing friendships with other children in the class. Whatever is going on here, you don't want your dd to be too dependent on her friendship with this other child, so just point her gently in various other directions! Hope it sorts itself out soon! :)

Jinsei · 18/06/2013 21:31

I guess what I want to say is that it might be really stressful for the other child too. We have had lots and lots of tears about the situation I described above, and I eventually had to go and talk to the teacher as it was making dd reluctant to go to school.

Your daughter's friend might not mean to be unkind when she "pushes your dd away", but just dealing with the situation in the only way she can. Being "idolised" isn't always as good as it might sound.

sugarplumpfairy · 18/06/2013 21:32

My DD is also 5 and exactly the same thing is happening to her! She is obsessed by the other girl and it just seems to go over her head when she is being mean. My older DD says DD2 has loads of friends and she always seems really popular so it's not like she has no one but she is fixated on this child! I am at a loss too.

Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 21:51

Thanks for the other perspective, it has made me think about this.

The other mum doesn't seem to make as many offers for the girls to get together as she used to. I thought it might be because she realises her DD is behaving as she is, but it could well be because her DD no longer wants to be best friends with my DD.

I also recall that several months ago their teacher was encouraging me to have some other children over school, other than X.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 18/06/2013 22:07

It's very hard to see them unhappy, isn't it? :(

Don't worry though, you sound like a really caring and supportive mum, and you'll help her get through it. I think this kind of thing is very common among small girls!

CloudsAndTrees · 18/06/2013 22:31

Grab the teacher or a TA for a five minute chat as soon as you can, and ask that all the adults around are aware of the situation.

They really do want to know if there is a valid reason that you and your child are upset about school, especially when it's something they could do something about if only they knew. Please talk to them, they should be able to monitor and manage class friendship situations.

5yo children do know how to be discrete if they are saying something they don't want an adult who will tell them off to hear.

Original poster
Lionprince · 18/06/2013 22:41

How would I word this? I don't really know how to describe it to another adult.

My DD is feeling upset because her best friend is being a bit mean in the way she is talking to her?

OP posts:
Jinsei · 18/06/2013 22:51

That sounds clear enough to me, OP. :)

I don't think you need to go in with a script. Just go in and explain what you have told us on here, and ask the teacher for his/her perspective. You will probably find them really helpful.

CloudsAndTrees · 18/06/2013 23:43

That's sounds fine. Re read your OP, and say what you said in your third paragraph.

It doesn't really matter how you say it, as long as you make them aware there is a problem. They will know the children and may have an idea that something has been going on, but be unaware of how much it's upsetting your dd.

You could ask how they think the two girls are getting along at school as well.

HollyBerryBush · 19/06/2013 06:27

You say they have known each other since age 2? Is it that you and the mum are friends and it is co-incidental playing that has caused this 'brst friends' scenario.

With the best will in the world, when you only have a small preschool poll to play with, the whole dynamics of friendships and relationships opens up at primary - 30 more people to play with - those people will be more like you, you will have more in common, you will prefer them. For some this happens sooner rather than later. But at 5 you haven't got either the vocabulary or the emotional intelligence to deal with it 'nicely'. The other girl is moving on in her friendships, choosing her own.

claraschu · 19/06/2013 06:41

I would also stop using the words "best friend". I never encouraged this, and my kids have stayed away from saying they have a "best friend". I know some children are more inclined to having one best friend than others, but I do think the parent's attitude has a lot to do with it. Best friend status or lack thereof causes a lot of problems, and I think it's good to make children aware of this from the beginning of school, so they can avoid a lot of nastiness.

exoticfruits · 19/06/2013 06:51

I agree with BoshBosh.
I also think that there is a lot of truth in what HollyBerry says- preschool children are very much stuck with their mother's friend's DCs and they are often only friends because they are thrown together. They then start school and have a wide choice- the other DD has moved on but hasn't a 'nice' way of doing it. The best thing is to encourage your DD to move on too.
You could have a word with the teacher just to check that she is aware of the problem and then she could help your DD move on. The fact that she doesn't say mean things back shows that she is a lovely, kind child.

Glitterandglue · 19/06/2013 07:06

Rather than telling her what would be good for her, you might get more out of her/a better understanding for you both if you sit down with her and ask her a) what she likes about X and b) what she thinks a friend is. Usually any kid who has friendship issues will reply to b with the standard answers, e.g. someone who is nice, caring, looks after me, and you can then follow that up with who do you know who does that? Child lists names and you can give examples if you have them - "Oh yes, Y shared his biscuits with you the other day, didn't he?" - then ask if X is like that. She may already have listed X, or may say yes to this question but that's the appropriate time to gently challenge, i.e. "Yesterday though X said something which made you cry. Do you think that was kind?" At 5 this lesson will probably take a while to sink in (let's face it, it can take adults decades to realise they're better off without someone) but gentle consistent questioning and talking like this should help over time.

Dilidali · 19/06/2013 07:07

I wouldn't be too worried, this too shall pass. We had that a few years ago, us parents got involved, only for them two to become 'normal' again whilst we were banging our heads. I did talk to my DD a lot, though, listened to her and offered solutions if she said I don't know what to do, mummy. The kid is still trying it on from time to time and my DD offers her a cooling period now or plainly tells her off for being silly.