To wish my 5 year old DD was able to stand up a little bit to other little girl?

[Lionprince]

Or to want to learn some ways in which I can help her feel that she can not feel so sad about it?

My DD has always been very sociable, easy going and caring towards other children. She's also sensitive and can feel hurt quite easily but she internalises this. If another child really wants their own way, she will always concede rather than fall out with them.

I'm quite upset about something that's been going on with her best friend. The other little girl has begun not being very nice to my little girl, and my DD is so upset she has burst into tears on a few occasions and no longer wants to go to school unless I stay with her. Obviously not possible and I feel concerned about how much her feelings are being hurt and how she's dealing with it, which seems to be wanting the other girl to like her even more.

It's as though the more the other little girl pushes her away, the more she wants to be her friend. I know they are only 5 but I am concerned and would desperately like to hear some other views on how I can best get my daughter through this difficult time with her friend. I've been talking to her and giving her lots of reassurance but she still just wants to be and do what her friend is, to the point where she won't enjoy anything unless it's the same as what X is doing.

Just as an example of what's been happening, this dialogue is pretty typical of their daily exchanges:

DD: (excited) look X, we've got the same hairstyle today!
OG: well I don't want the same hair as you. And I am going to play with XX today and not you (turns and walks off).

When my DD last went to other girl's house for a play, she came home and told me she hadn't let her touch any of her toys!? They've always shared really well beforehand.

When the other girl last came to our house, she came to me to tell tales on my DD on 5 occasions. The first time she came to me and said my DD. had hurt her "on purpose" (!!!) and in fact I'd seen what had happened, my DD tripped over and fell on her arm and said sorry immediately without being asked. The other girl shouted at her "you hurt me!" and I mean she really shouted, and my DD just looked upset and a bit worried.

Today at school the other girl came over to say that she had another friend coming over to her house. My DD just burst into tears. My DD also had a friend coming over but didn't say so. I asked her why she didn't say and she said she didn't want to because X would not say nice things and that would make her feel sad.

I don't think the other girl has a spiteful streak, I have known her since age 2. I would like to understand better what's going on though, and how I can help my DD not be the 'pleaser'. It's odd because my DD is quite popular in the class and wouldn't let any of the other children talk to her like this. She would and has told others she doesn't want to play with them unless they're kind and not naughty.

I remember as a kid being horrible to kids who were trying hard to be my best friend. It's a kind of power thing. Not conscious, just happens. I think kids just like being bossy.

DD was like OP's DD in y1, and school moved her to another class where she had no friends. Best thing ever. The OG in that scenario is now just a friendly acquaintance, no long term bad feeling.

It must be hard seeing her upset, but I think you need to take this as an opportunity to teach her skills for the future, as this kind of situation is going to come up again. Do sympathise, but resist the urge to swoop in and fix it.

You say your DD is quite popular. I'd suggest encouraging her to nurture other friendships. Do listen to her, but with a sense of proportion in mind.

Thank you very much for all the posts full of good advice and reassurance.

I have decided to speak to the class teacher, just for her to keep an eye on this and make sure she's aware of the background in case it gets worse.

We had the other little girl over for tea today. I was with them for the first hour while they played downstairs. The other little girl was giving her usual replies to my DD's efforts to play together. Ie:

DD: Would you like to do some of this princess puzzle with me?
OG: No. And well I had a princess puzzle before you did.
DD: I like doing these kind of puzzles. I've done it 3 times.
OG: No you haven't done it 3 times.
DD: I have, I really have.
OG: Well if you keep saying that I won't be your best friend.
DD: Then I don't want to be friends with you.

(I think this last comment from DD is a direct result of our latest conversations about friends).

So, I felt glad DD was asserting herself but then it backfired spectacularly as the other girl burst into tears and was very upset that DD had said she didn't want to be friends.

DD was distraught and immediately told the other girl she would be her friend after all.

When the other mum came to collect her daughter, she ran over to her mum and again burst into tears because 'my DD hadn't offered to share her snack' (which they both had the same of, neither shared and they had eaten 2 hours ago).

What is this behaviour about? Is the other little girl trying to get my DD into trouble?

Throwing these latest events into the mix I think I should speak to the class teacher. I would be very upset if DD got into trouble for something she hadn't done or that was not quite as portrayed. I know DD has said she's done something in the past when she hasn't. Don't know why, I think she gets confused and thinks she should just agree.

Other little girl does tend to say other children have hurt her on purpose when they are usually just typical accidents, children tripping over themselves, etc.

If the other child has form for this kind of behaviour, the teacher may well be aware of it already. Definitely talk to her and see if she can help.

It's impossible to say what is actually going on here without knowing both children, but it may be just a phase and it will probably pass. Girls' friendships are very difficult, I'm afraid! :)

Ah, remember it well "I'm not going to be your friend!"
It's a power thing.

Girls do it all the time. They are very young and have to learn how to be a good friend. It comes easier to some than others. Your DD seems a lovely, kind, thoughtful child- she just needs some strategies to deal with the mean ones, without becoming mean herself. It isn't easy.

Hi OP, I know it's really hard to see your little girl upset, but I think this is more normal than you realise. My DD is 5 too, and your description of the conversation about the princess puzzle sounds pretty harmless to me. If my DD had a friend over to play, I wouldn't be very surprised to hear a similar conversation - and my DD might be taking either of the two roles! A good teacher knows this sort of thing is very common and won't be quick to blame your DD if the other girl tells tales about a small incident - although I agree it could muddy thread water if your DD owns up to something she hasn't actually done!

I agree with the poster who suggested the other girl is trying to withdraw from the friendship but doesn't know how to do it sensitively. I don't think she's necessarily a 'mean girl', they are still developing social skills at this age.

The not thread

I think maybe the other girl is finding your DD a bit suffocating.The other girl has moved on and made new friends.It is hard, but I think this is just a lesson your DD has to learn .You are doing the right thing by encouraging her to form new friendships.

They don't have the emotional maturity that you are expecting - they get it through experience.

I had this too, also five.

A strange friendship dynamic going on.

I spoke to the teacher and asked her to split the girls up, They are very close friends but the friendship seems to be causing more problems than happiness.

They still usually play together but they now do not sit together in class, and are encouraged to do things with others as well.

Its been a slow process but she now has other peripheral friends . She has started to do other activities after school which has helped as other girls from class are in there too.

This all sounds familiar, I was good friends with the other girls mum but that has sadly been a casualty of this unpleasant stage. I hate seeing my child so upset and felt really anger towards the 'wrong doer'.

I let the school deal with in school stuff but flagged it up with the teacher that we were keen to broaden dds groups. Lots of effort outside school, different activities, maintaining a link but providing a greater variety.

What differed between my friend and I was that she felt its a stage they go through and let them get on with it. I felt we needed to teach them about friendships. So DD has bourne the brunt of my 'lifeskills coaching'

• how to be a good/bad friend
• lots of focus on the best bits of school, identifying what it was and why eg everyone took turns in the game,
• role playing, I'll be the mean girl, you be the nice girl, what would you say.
• placing importance on being a good friend and moving away from someone who is n't

DD has grown up a lot over the last year, the other girl is still really quite unpleasant, DD finds her unpredictable nature hardest but accepts that somedays X will be nice, somedays not and evidently just moves away and plays else where.

Goodluck, this stage was much easier to deal with when I was n't close friends with my DD1's group, nightmare this time round.

Having been through the vile stage in year R & 1 I'm hoping we'll sail through years 4-7

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