to be annoyed with dh for throwing out some dd's stuff as punishment?

[needtochangenow]

DC had a fight this morning, and DD (10 years old) ended up shouting. All very loud and unclear who did what. DH goes ( I was in shower) and takes away DD's stuff...some craft stuff she had been using to make presents for her class as they are all moving onto secondary school. He has put it in the bin. Gone. It was worth about 7 pounds.

He has done it before, I have told him I do not agree with throwing stuff away. Once or twice before he has then rescued it, and eventually given it back.

AIBU to think this is not a good way of punishing the dc? I'm okay with confiscating but not with throwing away. grrr....

Depends.

Once when I was young (10 in fact) I had a huge argument with my mum about tidying up some stuff I'd been recently given for Christmas. I ended up telling her "I didn't want it anyway" [ungrateful brat emoticon]. She said 'fine' and took it away. I waited for it to return after a period of confiscation - I never saw it again.

It was one of the most effective lessons of my childhood - appreciate what you've got and never say things you don't mean.

I would not hesitate to do the same to my own children in a similar situation. Confiscation isn't much of a punishment if it's something kids only use occasionally (tho I'd give not throw away).

Also, its not just about what you believe as a parent but what your other half believes. So you need to agree this (privately) rather than assume he'll just do what you say.

I think your DD is far too old to be treated like a toddler tantruming over sweets.

At 10 years old she needs to be spoken to and an appropriate sanction applied - apologising for shouting, for a start.

Chucking valuable craft materials in the bin is not great parenting, in my view. And then having to take said stuff out of the bin is just another mixed message.

YANBU. Maybe your husband was just at the end of his tether and acted in anger but chucking out stuff that she was using to make presents was wrong. Also, if he regularly does this and then takes it back out of the bin what is the point? If he lets it be taken away by the binman what message is he giving - it's okay to throw away good things because you're annoyed with someone?

Confiscation is fine. You did x. When you think about it and apologise its returned in x timeframe.

Throwing away is not. That's no different to a smack really in as much as the adult is acting like a toddler. It's controlling and intimidating to dc.

Frankly do it to her at 15 when she's 5ft 5 or more and you might get a very nasty argument ensing. I slapped my dad once for doing similar. Not proud. We were both at major fault. Just showing where it can go though. Obvs all fine shortly after but was massive check for both. I really don't recommend it.

He needs to start parenting how he will continue in her teens not like he did when she was 2.

I would/do hate anything like that. It's too spiteful, rather than being a logical consequence of their actions. Unless they were arguing because the craft stuff was all over the dining table and had been there for a week, in which case it's sort of logical but still OTT and bullying.

I was 'disciplined' like that as a child and I am a pretty bad bit of a hoarder these days, hate anyone messing with my stuff .

Barbarian - I think your situation is different, in that you said that you did not want it. I agree: parenting is about what we both do. I don't believe in throwing toys out. He sometimes does and sometimes does not...when we talked about it before he seemed to agree not to throw out (which is why he got the toys out the bin). I find it hard to see the compromise situation here, and I do normally compromise.

LineRunner- I agree she should be spoken to. I also think that at 10yrs simply chucking their stuff (some of which they have bought with their birthday money) is a lack of respect. DD is hard work at times (like they all are) and we find her hard. But shouting back at her and throwing stuff away isn't going to improve her ways.

BTW my dad did something similar to my Dsis as a teenager. He cut all the plugs off her electrical items in her bedroom (TV etc) after rowing. I would have called the police for criminal damage myself, but he is a massive twat.

YANBU
She will now absolutely hate her Dad, will focus a great deal of, pretty justifable, 10y rage on him and totally forget why she was in trouble.

Had I deliberatly damaged anything DD2 was doing for her friends last year year she would have walked out the door and not come back.

Yes, they were a very close knit group, who knew they were splitting up to different schools, but it's a very emotional time for all year sixes.

Your DH needs to appologise and replace things very promptly.

I'm all for disapline and boundries, but throwing away things is generally OTT and in this case down right mean.

9-12 year-old DDs appear very grown up. They are not, they still see the world in a very black and white, fair, not fair, simplistic way.

They desperately need to feel in control and have their wishes respected. Understanding that parents also have feelings takes a bit longer.

Also with SATs and the social pressures to be the grown up oldest members of the school. Y6s need the release of being big kids at home.

Without knowing why they were shouting, and you say yourself you are unclear, it's hard to know whether he was unreasonable.

If he had asked her to put the craft stuff away, warned her of the consequences of not putting it away and asked again, and this has happened several times, well I feel he wasn't unreasonable to bin it. I've done similar with a (admittedly cheap) toy wand when dd was marking the walls with it.

If the shouting was completely unrelated to the craft project then he was being unreasonable. There are other punishments that wouldn't have affected the nice thing she was doing for her friends.

Sorry, xposted. I do feel particularly bad because she was using it to make gifts.

He was probably at the end of his tether - is often with her at the moment. I am not the calmest of mothers but do my best as I realise she reacts much better to calmness than to rash actions.

The teenage years are going to be tough if he keeps up this line.

sokmonsta- no, no warnings. It is unclear what happened. DD says: Ds took something from dd, dd wanted it back, ds would not give it back, dd shouted at him (real shouting which I also find unacceptable) and then dh stormed in and took the craft stuff as a punishment for the shouting...

xpost
Yes OP your DD will see, DHs action as a lack of respect gor her and especially her friends.

Chances of her seeing beyond that and thinking about why she was in such trouble are zero.

So now DD will feel she got in trouble because DS was a pain.

I'm glad I haven't got this one to unravel.

Oh dear, no that sounds like the adult got out of control and just went off raging and destroying, fails in that it's modelling really unproductive behaviour, and as a punishment as it will breed anger at him vs seeing the punishment as fair.

Unless the argument was directly about the craft materials? But even so, am failing to see how it could be seen as a positive step.

So your daughter invests time, emotion and money into making presents for friends as she moves onto the next stage of her life - and her father deliberately destroys it and takes away her means to make those presents... What will she be feeling now? Humm.

Better to agree specific sanctions and impose fairly and consistently.

What will you/ dh do now to resolve the situation? It's obviously not ok to take away her ability to give her friends presents, to celebrate and mark a change in her life....

Oh dear, just saw the last post, so your dd will see this as

1. Favouritism - ds gets away with stuff and she's marked as the 'bad one'
2. Unfairness - she gets blamed for ds actions, and gets an excessive cruel punishment
3. Loss control - She cannot protect her own valuable possessions (however bad the strategy of defending them!)
4. No respect for her
5. No respect for her friendships
6. No respect for her big life step

Eeek!

I think that was an awful way for your H to react. It appears as though he acted in spite rather than assessing her behaviour and reacting appropriately. A 10yo is old enough to be cross that she is being disciplined but understand that her actions deserve a consequence. A 10yo is also old enough to recognise that her DF is simply acting in anger and grasping at any old thing to show that he is cross. She will be very hurt by this.

By doing this all be has expressed is his own anger a d frustration. He is not acting proportionately to what she has done. If she had been found stealing, smoking, hitting etc then losing his temper would demonstrate how out of line her behaviour was but for something minor like this he needed to be very calm, discuss her behaviour and explain a reasonable consequence. She is not a toddler, she understands emotions, grasps that when her things are taken by Dad they don't just vanish from the face of the earth but have been thrown away, discarded with rubbish. That he chose something precious to her, that she was using to make gifts for friends is even worse. Her obvious kindness and willingness to spend time crafting personal gifts for friends should be encouraged and commended.

He needs to apologise. He can explain that he shouldn't have reacted in that way, that he will replace the craft materials. He should also explain why he lost his temper, that her behaviour want acceptable and discuss with her what a reasonable consequence to such behaviour would be. Then she knows what to expect if she misbehaves, he has a consequence to stick to rather than flailing about for some way to punish her and things will be more consistent.

BTW my dad did something similar to my Dsis as a teenager. He cut all the plugs off her electrical items in her bedroom (TV etc) after rowing. I would have called the police for criminal damage myself, but he is a massive twat

Assuming your dad had pr its not criminal damage, someone with pr has rights and responsibilities over the child and their property.

But your right it is a shit thing to do

And everything DoubleLife has said with bells on.

Well, if it were me, I'd rescue the craft materials from the bin and put them in DD's room. I'd ask my DH next time to focus on the behaviour, not the punishment.

I would sit everyone down at the table this evening and make a prepared speech along the lines of, 'Well, that wasn't very nice this morning, was it? I want you all to feel sorry for letting your emotions run out of control and making me feel upset on top, and so let's draw a line, and move on. In future, however, there will be consequences for shouting and poor behaviour, including listening to me make speeches like this for hours on end when you could be doing something far more interesting.'

Thanks for your thoughts, and for helping me formulate what I thought.
off to battle it out with dh.

I've done this with felt tips for drawing on own clothes (after clear warnings). I've also taken a toy to the charity shop because it was being used inappropriately (damaged). But I felt that was actually quite appropriate to the crime.

But I think you're saying he just threw some of her things away due to an unrelated incident. Which sounds a bit silly and petulant. And wasteful.

OP, you don't have to 'battle it out'. You could give him some clear, calm suggestions, though.

'If she shouts, please keep clam and say to her, "Please don't shout," and repeat.'

Poor DD with a Dad who loses control like that.

DH should look into some parenting classes, anger management or at least read some parenting manuals. He is going to need to raise his game for the teenage years if he is to have any sort of relationship with DD once she is an adult.

We have two teenage DDs, I often have to breathe deeply and think of the positives when stuff happens I am not thrilled about. Listening to everyone's point of view calmly and fairness are essential.

clam? I think I mean calm

So from your DDs POV, she got a horrible punishment for shouting and her brother has potentially got off scot free with theft. Yes she is really going to have more respect for Dad's authority after this little episode (I don't think)