to be annoyed with dh for throwing out some dd's stuff as punishment?

[needtochangenow]

DC had a fight this morning, and DD (10 years old) ended up shouting. All very loud and unclear who did what. DH goes ( I was in shower) and takes away DD's stuff...some craft stuff she had been using to make presents for her class as they are all moving onto secondary school. He has put it in the bin. Gone. It was worth about 7 pounds.

He has done it before, I have told him I do not agree with throwing stuff away. Once or twice before he has then rescued it, and eventually given it back.

AIBU to think this is not a good way of punishing the dc? I'm okay with confiscating but not with throwing away. grrr....

Sorry, you are right "battle it out" is not what I meant: I will be calm
:-)

It's an awful lot on your shoulders, though, OP, having to be the calm one for a whole family. It can be exhausting.

I hope your DH can at least begin to understand the effect it's having on you. Might be a worthwhile place to start.

My teenagers are much more receptive to the idea of not upsetting me than they are to the idea of not upsetting each other!

Not so good to let this age group see you lose control and act unthinkingly; this is the time where you need to establish yourself as a reasonable and consistent adult (because otherwise you haven't got a hope when they reach their teens).

I feel quite sorry for your DD.

It sounds very much like she is being punished for something your DS did wrong, by your DH who can't keep his temper with her for long enough to ask what the problem is and work out who is at fault.

Her brother took her belongings, something she was working hard with and probably quite quietly with, caused an argument and instead of him being told off and made to give her the things back, she got into trouble and the things were thrown away. Your DH has punished the victim and she will be feeling very hard done by and resentful right now.

I agree with Double, she will be feeling very much like her brother is the favourite and that her feelings, her belongings and well, just her herself, don't matter to her father.

And your DS will now be learning that he can take his sisters things, upset her and then sit back and watch her get into trouble for his poor behaviour. So he may well try to wind her up even more.

what punishment did her brother get?

it is teaching terrible lessons to dd. she gets her stuff "stolen" by her brother who does not give it back. when sticking up for herself, another male of the house comes in (shouts too?) nd takes more of her stuff as punishment.

not teaching your ds to respect others either.

I hope that your influence on them is strong, and it is not a repeated pattern, as your dh is setting dd up to accept bullying behaviour from men and your ds is seeing that he can get away with it.

Good luck. It's not right, you having to try and be the bigger parent!

I'm guessing DS is younger, possibly quite a bit younger, hence shouting at him being a crime.

In this house (DDs three years apart) I simply shout seperate rooms if they are getting heated. I then go up and sort it out if, as in tbis case, there is actually a genuine grievance.

General shouting at each other and annoying each other is not worth worrying about.

In my house dd would have been sent to her room to calm down and ds would be in trouble for taking something that didn't belong to him and refusing to give it back. Did ds get any punishment for behaving like that?

So dh waded in on the situation as it stood without learning what had caused it.

I can understand the shouting causing a reaction from him. But dh is the adult here and should have calmed the situation down before acting so rashly. I can well imagine dd would have ended up shouting at him too for dh binning her things. Meanwhile ds has stepped back and let her take the flack, remaining blameless himself.

Unfortunately dh is teaching dd not to talk to him, as he clearly won't listen. And ds is getting the message that he can do no wrong. Especially if he then doesn't have to repair the damage he has done - apology and replacement of craft items for dd and a confession and apology to dh too.

Your dh's reaction will be seen differently by both children and exploited.

my mother did similar to me when I was the same age. Se also used to rip up my school work, tear posters and calendars off my bedroom wall. I felt nothing but disdain at the unnecessary cruelty.

Very difficult.
Approach to discipline should be consistent from both parents. If it isn't, there are other issues.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain
BTW my dad did something similar to my Dsis as a teenager. He cut all the plugs off her electrical items in her bedroom (TV etc) after rowing.

Many years ago after a row with XW (where once again I was at fault for everything) she said all I ever did was watch TV. I said I would happily do without it. She said fine, so would she. ... and was very peeved when she decided she wanted to watch a soap. She hadn't realised that I meant it, and had removed the plug.

Incidentally wasn't no TV (esp in your room) a classic punishment?

Your DH needs to get his temper under control for when the really serious arguments start.

Your poor DD, I hope this isn't regular favouritism.

It will probably remain with her for a long time unless you find a way to manage it and teach the chaps in your house that shouting and strop-throwing are silly ways to behave.

Good luck nipping this all in the bud!

I think that it was a really nasty thing to do tbh.

What did he throw away of your sons?

It probably won't help the kids relationship either.

what a dick head.

I suggest you both sit down and come up with an appropriate form of punishment.

Hi there, hope all went well and it's all resolved now

Made me very upset to read.

Your ds causes trouble and dd reacts so she gets into trouble.

Her craft things which she is making are binned.

Do you actually not see how mean and childish this is?

Girls at this age are hormonal, territorial and need reassurance and support.

Does your dh usually favour his son like this?

Yanbu.

It could just have been put away somewhere for a period of time. Throwing it away is wasteful and immature.

So essentially, your DD has learned that whilst she cannot let her emotions get the better of her, that her DF can? IMO, he has behaved worse than her as he is an adult and should be able to control himself better. He's not being a good role model and is being contradictory in acting the opposite to how he would like her to behave.

My DF used to do this kind of thing and I hated him for it. It meant that I didn't consider home a safe place to be. Still now, although I love him, I don't trust him not to lose control and don't like the idea of him looking after my DCs.

Jeez,just for shouting she loses all the stuff she's been making for her friends?

That's cruel,what would he have done if she'd thumped her brother?

Can't he just employ a deathstare and be done.

My Brother used to torment me and i'd shriek and shout then i'd get into trouble,small wonder he is now a completely entitled asshole.