Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit hurt? / feel a tad excluded? (please be kind if I am :p)

32 replies

JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 20:34

Basically......

I am at uni and was asked to be involved in a piece of work to discuss a current affair that has exploded nationally and potentially will affect how the course I am on is run.

There are 5 of us students in the group.

I said yes straight away (as was interested) but when the first meeting was arranged I was on holiday (it was the Easter hols) - I explained that I was disappointed and gave my apologies. These were noted.

The second meeting was then arranged for the very first day I was sent out on a new placement by the uni - I explained this quandary straight away and asked if they wanted to contact the placement and sanction me some time off but they said no, placement comes first (you need a certain amount of hours)... again, apologies noted.

So, today was the third meeting... of the 5 students and the person leading the piece of work. I was able to attend as it was my only day off placement.

Through the process, I have been sending in my work via email / my contributions which has taken me quite a bit of time. Prior to today, I double checked that it was still relevant that I should come and I was told, yes please.

ANYWAY.... we as a 'group' have to present at a conference in August, and the lecturer said today that the students that have managed to attend at least two of the meetings will have accommodation provided. She then named them by name. By default, it was clear that this meant I would not have accommodation provided - only me out of 5 participants. It is a two day conference with a dinner the first night and then accommodation - followed by the conference the next day. I will need to find some myself, away from the group as a hotel was mentioned and that is defo out of my range.

I feel a bit naffed off -am I being unreasonable to?

I am very involved in the uni and help with tons of stuff so it is not like I am a consistent poor attender to commitments that I make. I work with this lecturer arranging this 'group' a lot and give up my spare time for quite a few projects.

Please be kind, I may be being an idiot I know Grin

OP posts:
BridgetBidet · 17/06/2013 20:39

I think they are definitely being unreasonable. Contact the lecturer and explain to him exactly why you missed the other meetings and stress that you were specifically instructed not to attend the second session or make arrangements to be able to attend.

If she still refuses ask for this in writing and see if you can complain to someone higher up.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 20:42

really? thing is, she is high up / heading it - her word is final.

The childish part of me thinks - you want me on your terms, stuff it, Im out.

But that is childish isn't it?

OP posts:
marriedinwhiteagain · 17/06/2013 20:52

You have reasons to mitigate the decision. Evidence them.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 21:01

do you not think there may be a reason I am not being included. am feeling a bit cynical?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 17/06/2013 21:03

Do challenge it. It sounds like quite an arbitrary rule. I guess if you had known that before, you would have made sure the meetings were at times you could attend. Good luck!

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 21:19

yes, If I had known that before I would have made sure I could have attended the second meeting!!!

The woman who leads it is a bit of a bully - am not sure I feel like I can challenge her.

Hmm, dilema

OP posts:
Liara · 17/06/2013 21:25

You definitely need to ask her to tell you explicitly why she is not including you in the students with accommodation provided, given that she told you not to make changes in order to attend the second meeting.

Preferably in writing.

Stay polite, but do make her spell out that she told you not to change your placement but that the fact that you didn't is ow meaning that you will miss out.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 21:31

The problem is, that I dealt with her secretary on her behalf (as is always the case).... it was not directly her (though I presumed that the instruction was from her).

I feel inclined to say nothing, see it through and never help on anything else tbh.

She is not a very nice woman tbh and I do not want to make an enemy of her. I suspect she would stick to her guns rather than bend anyway as she 'sets' the rules.

It has done nothing but make me feel like, whats the point in contributing? Uni course work is quite enough.

Strange she invited me on the the group though - perhaps it is because
I am (not boasting in the least) an A grade student, I think she wanted my skills rather than me (and a disabled student)... if that makes sense. Feel a bit used tbh.

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 17/06/2013 21:34

DH teaches at University level. Challenge it with copies of your supporting emails to the group plus replies. The lecturer may be high up, but you have lecturer, senior lecturer, programme manager etc etc who can all look into the decision. Complain hard enough, and they will listen. As it involves placements, you probably will get the benefit of the doubt. Write an unemotional, concise and factual appeal letter and submit with evidence.

iamadoozermum · 17/06/2013 21:37

My guess would be that the budget doesn't extend to all of you having accommodation paid for and this is the way she has decided to do it.

I think it would be worth reminding her of all the work you have done and that you were specifically advised about it being OK to miss the second meeting. As Liara says, do this in writing and get a written reply. Then, take it from there.

iamadoozermum · 17/06/2013 21:39

Don't forget you can also go to your Students' Union for help and advice.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 21:44

Thanks for your reply.

Problem is, I am not sure I have the balls to 'fight' against it. Nor the energy (busy mum too!)

Would feel foolish perhaps as it is her 'baby' (this group I mean) and she is a very influential university lecturer / popular. If she does not deem me
worthy of accommodation I am not going to raise the issue / make her aware of my displeasure.

I just wanted some reassurance that I was not being unreasonable I think.

Now I know I am not, I think I will finish what I said would do (ie contribute to the group) and learn from it!

OP posts:
Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 17/06/2013 21:45

I do feel a bit sad though / undervalued.

The uni is funding about 20 service users also so I do not think sadly that £ is that much of an issue..... think there is a decent budget for it as the conference looks set to be impressive too .....

OP posts:
CSIJanner · 17/06/2013 21:56

Then don't roll over.

Write the letter and once you have your reply, thank them, gracefully accept whatever decision and keep your head down and work.

She's doing this because she isn't seeing the bigger picture. Make your point. There's money in the budget - she's just being an arse. She won't like the powers that be slapping her but sometimes it has to be done. She can't take it out on you later as it will be noted and deemed unprofessional.

wouldliketobethere · 17/06/2013 22:09

Are you on friendly terms with any of the other students who are going? Will they all have their own rooms - if so maybe one of them would be prepared to share? Can you at least contact the hotel and find out the likely costs, how many rooms there are available etc?

If you have someone else in the group on side you might be more confident in challenging the selection or presenting this bully with a viable way for everyone to attend. If not, and you would end up stuck with a resentful group even if you were successful in challenging it, then I guess it might be that this battle is not worth fighting.

iamadoozermum · 17/06/2013 23:08

Hmm, if there is plenty of budget then I would be inclined to think that she's trying to prove a point and reward those she sees as being more committed. It may well be that the secretary didn't consult the academic - I have seen that before, the secretary thinking they know what the answer will be and not checking, or the academic doesn't remember what was agreed about the second meeting.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 20/06/2013 20:24

am proud of myself.

emailed the secretary detailing my position and asking why (in a nut shell) I would be excluded from the team accomodation?

She is a nice lady. I actually don't give a toss if I am on the project or not now, it has taught me that I must speak up when unhappy and

yay I did it!!!!!

OP posts:
Liara · 20/06/2013 20:41

Good for you.

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 20/06/2013 20:45

really bloomin pleased with myself.

can you tell I am working on my assertiveness?

I just feel so proud of myself haha, hope this feeling lasts LOL

OP posts:
Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 21/06/2013 22:10

sooooooooooo

does anyone want an update Grin

OP posts:
whattodoo · 21/06/2013 22:14

Oh go on then ...

Original poster
JesuslovesmethisIknow · 21/06/2013 22:25

emailed the secretary.......

explained my position (very nicely) ........

was told basically that no, accomodation was only for those who 'attended the two meetings'. I am saying this poorly as have been on the voddy btw Grin,,,,, sounds like I was shitty but I REALLY wasn't...

Explained that I felt devalued with this as felt an imbalance in the team would be evident, so would let the other students see this project through but do let me know of other projects starting and if I can make all the meetings I will defo help them out.

Am so bloomin chuffed with myself!!! I stood up for myself!! Grin

OP posts:
whattodoo · 21/06/2013 22:34

Ha! Good for you. I veg it's a good feeling to know that she knows you've got her number (iyswim) and she's not going to be able to walk all over you. Well done.

whattodoo · 21/06/2013 22:34

veg bet!

Finola1step · 21/06/2013 23:17

Good for you.