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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with FIL

40 replies

wealthypensioneriamnot · 17/06/2013 13:19

To not want to go on holiday for the third year running with my widowed FIL and to made to feel like a wicked witch by my husband for stating my feelings ...... after all he IS 90 and widowed . But he eats out with friends a couple of times a week , has already been on several cruises this year and is off to the states with his daughter later this year. Oh , and did I mention that he is comfortably off , very fit and healthy too ?

OP posts:
pictish · 17/06/2013 13:20

Yanbu.

pictish · 17/06/2013 13:21

Who is pushing for it?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 17/06/2013 13:23

Let your DH go away with his father and do some "male bonding" and you either stay home and do your own thing, or go somewhere you will love but DH would hate Grin

cees · 17/06/2013 13:24

Yanbu, your dh could always take him away for a weekend somewhere and go on the big holiday with you after.

ENormaSnob · 17/06/2013 13:27

Yanbu at all.

5Foot5 · 17/06/2013 13:30

Is this your only or main holiday? If so then YADNBU. But if you can maybe take one main holiday without him and then another short break with him would that be a useful compromise.

Goldmandra · 17/06/2013 13:31

I agree with 5foot5.

Offer a long weekend instead.

Dackyduddles · 17/06/2013 13:33

I'd book two weeks clubbing in Ibiza I think!

digerd · 17/06/2013 13:50

My immediate thought was, there are far more women over 80 than men and depending how long ago he was widowed, and how fit and adventurous he is, I am surprised he has not got together with any of those gorgeous lone ladies he must have had chasing him on his many cruises Grin. Does he not have a 'lady friend' he could go on holiday with?

I met a lovely 84 year-old german widowed man - a perfect

gentleman, who I saw every morning swimming several lengths of the pool at 8am. Then he would walk for miles during the day. He was on his own over a Xmas holiday week. He dressed like my dad did, always with a collar and tie in the evenings Smile.

If he's still alive he would be 90 now. He's not you FIL is he?

digerd · 17/06/2013 13:50

your

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/06/2013 16:17

Guessing from your nn that you are perhaps a senior citizen yourself, if you have any health concerns or commitments to younger family members then I might use these as a perfectly credible reason to decline a joint holiday this year. Do you see him all year round in any case? Just because you may have 'time on your hands' I don't see why you should feel obliged to jump through other people's hoops if you have gone two years on the trot already. A father-son trip away sounds like a lovely treat for them both.

Original poster
wealthypensioneriamnot · 17/06/2013 19:25

On the strength of comments on Mumsnet we have had a frank exchange of views today and I feel so much better for it . Still irritated a bit that we see his dad for more days each year than we see our own children and grandchildren . I told him that what got to me more than anything was the fact that I wasn't consulted ..... it is as if I just have to do what I am told once he has made the decision and it rankles I also told him that although I respect and admire his dad I am not married to him and don't want to spend every waking hour for several days in his company . He is a rather controlling , self centred , fussy man, used to getting his own way when MIL was alive and still at it ! We always end up doing exactly what he wants to do when we are away and he is very clever in the way he goes about manipulating the situation. The outcome of the conversation is that my husband has promised to consult me as an equal on things in the future ( hold your breath everyone ) . Also , we are going on holiday with FIL for three or four days at the most ( still too long for me ! )

We have only recently come back from visiting him ( 4 and a half hours driving there so best part of a day travelling ) , having stayed for 4 days . I have also invited him to come to us to stay for 5 days next month.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 17/06/2013 19:30

Way way waaaaay over the call of duty IMO.

Wonder how often your fil visited/went on holiday with his in laws?

I thnk you should leave your dh to it every time and go and visit your children alone.

There is nothing that says you have to spend all that time with fil.

MummytoKatie · 17/06/2013 20:28

Phrase for you "but you boys have a lovely time!" to be used as follows:-

FIL: I think we should go to the museum today
You: It's a bit hot for me. I think I'll just levy the pool. But you boys have a lovely time!

To be used throughout the 4 days!

Original poster
wealthypensioneriamnot · 18/06/2013 09:32

MummytoKatie, brilliant idea and one I shall definitely use .I had the first good night's sleep in ages last night because I thought the air had been cleared re. FIL visits etc. but , as usual I am getting the silent treatment today as my husband has had time to dwell on what I said and I have obviously been found wanting again. No doubt at some point today I shall be told what a terrible person I am. Am I ? Am really ? When MIL died we spent 5 weeks at their home to support him ( which really means I cooked , tidied , shopped , visited mum etc. whilst FIL felt sorry for himself ). When he had an operation we took care of him in our home for two weeks . We always have him at Xmas or New Year , depending on what SIL has planned. My husband phones him at least once a week and we are all on e- mail . We have always driven down to see him a couple of times a year ( by the way , he chose to move miles away to live by the coast even though MIL didn't want to move ). I have made it clear that if he becomes ill etc. that we will always be there for him. So , why does my husband feel that we HAVE to go on holiday with him..even if it is only for a few days ? I asked why I had to go and got the answer ..... Because we are married . Funny that , because it doesn't seem to stop him doing what he wants . Sorry about this , thought it was sorted but it obviously isn't .

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 18/06/2013 11:59

You're married not joined at the hip.

You can just say no, you know. You do have a choice.

Your h sounds as controlling as his father.

If you're happy with him telling you what is what wrt his dad, regardless how you feel then fine.

If you're not happy then I would be ignoring the sulks, tell him you've done enough and you're going to enjoy your holiday alone if necessary.

GingerBlondecat · 18/06/2013 12:44

Someone has to say it.............. LTB

Not sure im even joshing..... maybe.

Flowers for you sweetpea

OTTMummA · 18/06/2013 13:01

Ugh, your husband is vile!

Please do not go on holiday, go do something by yourself, or with friends.

You do not have to do as your Husband says!
He is not your master,, pfft!
Ignore his manchild sulking and repeat to yourself, IANBU! IANBU!

OTTMummA · 18/06/2013 13:04

What is the worst that could happen if you say no, I don't want to go, I am staying at home?

He sulks for a few weeks? well all the better, at least you will have some peace and quite!
The more you ignore this silly behaviour he will realise how little impact or reaction it will get.
He only does it because it has got him his desired reaction from you in the past.

pictish · 18/06/2013 13:09

Your husband is a prick then. I had hoped he was simply selfish and short sighted regarding holidays with daddy...but no, he's just a common garden prick with no respect for you whatsoever.
That's a shame.

Don't cave.

pictish · 18/06/2013 13:18

And what you listed there is an inordinate amount of time to spend with your fil, given that you did all the skivvying while your dh polished his Good Son medal.
Tell him to do one.

WinkyWinkola · 18/06/2013 13:31

Op, you have been an amazing dil. Amazing. Your dh has no idea.

5Foot5 · 18/06/2013 13:33

He is a rather controlling , self centred , fussy man, used to getting his own way

When you said this I think you were talking about your FIL, but from your later post it sounds like you could equally describe your DH in these terms.

Take a stand now

CSIJanner · 18/06/2013 13:36

So how did he react when you told him that pull both be spending two weeks with our side of the family "because you're married"?

Can I just say though, it was a touch harsh to say FIL sat around feeling sorry for himself after your MIL died, but I understand it was probably typed not felt that way. Your DH however is being a controlling twat. Silent treatment? Tell the man to grow up and if it really bothered him, he can take his dad away on a golfing/sailing/car driving holiday (delete as appropriate). And when he does, send some time with the grandchildren or doing something you want to do. Or if he does book a golfing holiday, book yourself into the spa that always seems to be attached to those places for golf widows.

pictish · 18/06/2013 13:39

I agree 5foot5.

Controlling, self centred, fussy, and used to getting his own way. That's your husband that is.

No one...no one wants to spend every holiday with their fil!! Why the hell does your dh think you should??

Because it suits him - that's why!