Holiday with FIL

[wealthypensioneriamnot]

To not want to go on holiday for the third year running with my widowed FIL and to made to feel like a wicked witch by my husband for stating my feelings ...... after all he IS 90 and widowed . But he eats out with friends a couple of times a week , has already been on several cruises this year and is off to the states with his daughter later this year. Oh , and did I mention that he is comfortably off , very fit and healthy too ?

Yes, if you do go on this holiday, research all the things in the area that you would like to do/see, and go off by yourself! Even better, spend DH's money and treat yourself. He should not begrudge you some time without FIL and a reward (new shoes or bag or jewellery for example) as you are coming on a holiday that you didn't really want. Do not agree to any kind of break that involves self-catering (meaning you do everything) it has to be a nice hotel and restaurant for meals.

Any chance you will be staying near any of your DC and DGC? Could you then engineer a visit to them alone or with DH and FIL? I imagine FIL would be put out by such a spectacular hijack of his holiday!

Or there are always the standbys: become suddenly 'ill' before you are due to go away, or get one of your DC to phone saying they really need you to come because little DGS/DGD is poorly.

Yes, I do feel bad about saying FIl felt sorry for himself when MIL died. That was unnecessary and a bit cruel . They were married for a very long time and I'm sure he misses her company . So, sorry for that comment .

Husband says that he will simply tell his dad that I don't want to go on holiday with him then it will be sorted. Not as simple as that though is it ? Once again I shall be the bad guy , the bad daughter in law who is too selfish to spend time with FIL. The thing is I DO feel selfish and guilty . Just wish I could get to the bottom of why my husband feels we should do this each year . Guilt ? Actually wants his dad's company's ? Duty ? When we do spend time with him it is always me that has to chat away or instigate any conversation. We would all sit in silence ... particularly during meals if I didn't , so it is hardly that he wants his company . So.... duty perhaps ?

The one positive thing to come out of all this is that when I told my daughter about it she immediately booked us into a spa for two nights . I asked if he minded me going..... what could he say ? He blanched a bit when he saw what it was going to cost ... but can hardly complain as I have always earned my own money .... and anyway , we can afford to go on holiday with FIL can't we ? It doesn't clash with the FIl holiday so I can't be accused of being difficult can I ? I have also said that after this year I am not going on holiday with FIL again . I hope I can stick to it ... time will tell .

At the risk of sounding like a right cow I have to tell you I am dreading FIL becoming ill or infirm in the future as I know we will be travelling hundreds of miles back and forth or I shall be expected to live for weeks in his home to care for him . I really must stop trying to tell the future!!

Thanks for all your comments and the time you have taken to respond.

But if FIL falls ill when you and your DH are both retired why should you be the one who does the caring?
My DH seems to be trying to turn into his Dad at the moment, starting to get a taste for getting his own way. I am having none of it.

"as usual I am getting the silent treatment today "
As usual? Then your husband's a selfish, childish dickhead. Sorry, but he is.

"Just wish I could get to the bottom of why my husband feels we should do this each year"
Perhaps because your FIL is "comfortably off", comfortable enough to be able to "[eat] out with friends a couple of times a week , has already been on several cruises this year and is off to the states with his daughter later this year" ? Yes, I do see your husband as that selfish/grasping. After all his dad is 90, got to dies sometime, huh? He's keeping his nose clean to get his inheritance. Plus you've described your FIL as "very clever in the way he goes about manipulating the situation", I'd expect someone like that, someone controlling, to enjoy having people (sons?) dance attendance on them.

It sounds like a total shitfest, and there's no way on earth I could be bullied into going on awful stilted holidays with my fil every year, just to please my husband.
My husband would never ever ask this of me anyway.

For fuck's sake grow a backbone and tell him NO. If he runs to dada to tell on you...well so what? Let him!

Are you such a pleaser that you would rather back down and have a crap time on holiday??

There is nothing stopping your dh from going away with his dad on his own. There is no reason for you to have to go as well. None.

Stand up for yourself!!!

As for "as usual, I'm getting the silent treatment today" - words fail me!
As usual? As usual??

Tell him to write whatever his grievance is on a slip of parchment, roll it up tight, and fasten it with a ribbon. Then tell him he can insert it into his anus for all you care.

We can see where this is going, God willing your H lives a long and happy life, but if his dad is anything to go by your H will reach 90 and still expect you to fall in meekly. By then he might have your children dancing to his tune too! It is very easy to persuade himself he knows best, it is 'what people do when they are married', when it suits himself. Sometimes we think it's not worth making a fuss, anything for a quiet life, actually it just reinforces a bossy individual's determination to rule the roost.

AFAIK there are two people in a marriage, is it a democracy or not?

Glad your DD is on-side. Why not drop FIL a line saying that this year you think it will be rather nice to let DH have FIL to himself on holiday.

Oh and btw - him saying he's going to tell his dad the holiday's off because you don't want to come, is an idle threat - he knows you're a pleaser, and will cave rather than be seen as the bad guy. He's trying to bully you into conceding, the prick.

It is absolutely NOT ON for your dh to make these holidays hinge on YOU. They're HIS idea...it's HIS father, and it's HIS fucking problem.

I agree with not wanting to spend every main holiday with him.

But my goodness, when you have a father on their own it isn't half a pull to want to be with them.

However, I don't force everyone else to come with me!

Are you both retired?

In which case, can't your husband see enough of his dad without it being on holiday iyswim?

To clarify - I don't see anything wrong with the odd jolly with the in laws.
Every single year though - it's a life fucking sentence.

Good for you for getting a spa break!

It sounds to me as if your DH and his dad are too alike to enjoy each others company. It does seem as he is doing it from a sense of duty, but also this might run deeper. Does he resent FIL for some reason, does he make DH feel 'not good enough' in some way or bullied, and therefore having you there dilutes the unpleasantness? Some parents cause their adult DC to revert to insecure kids again, a learned pattern of behaviour just like all the self-centred stuff.

I think if this is coming between you in your marriage, the answer would be to see less of FIL. You can honestly say that you need to see more of your own DC and DGC now. If FIL becomes ill, being there for him could mean organising carers, home help, or a nursing home. Doesn't mean he comes to live with you or you spend weeks at his home.

If your DH won't change the situation or his own behaviour, then I'm with everyone else who says he should be left to it with FIL.

So you don't want to go holiday with fil. It's true. That doesn't make you the bad guy at all. Erm, it makes you normal.

I couldn't imagine anything worse but we go on holidays with my in laws every 3 or 4 years.

Stand up for yourself.

You could suggest that while you are away with DD he takes the opportunity to spend some more time with his Dad!

Or next time you are spending time with FIL, deliberately avoid taking the lead and starting the conversations, cooking the meals etc. but sit back and wait for DH to do it. "What time are we eating?" "I don't know dear, what are you cooking for us anyway?" If he is so keen to spend the time with his Dad make him take more of the responsibility.