Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Newbie needing to vent

62 replies

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 13:03

I'm new to Mumsnet but really need both to vent a bit and some totally impartial advice.

3 months ago my brother announced his engagement to his girlfriend of 10 years. Then let us know the wedding date for us to keep it clear. After my Father spending yesterday with them (after a large, but nice hint from me as Dad mentioned he'd not seen them on Father's Day for 4 years).

Dad then arrived on my doorstep this morning very upset as my brother mentioned to him in passing that my two daughters will not be invited to the wedding. Which he has contributed a fairly large amount to. My brother had not previously mentioned that the girls would not be invited so I stupidly told them about it 3 months ago, as we were all excited that they were finally getting married. My girls are aged 14 and 5 and both very polite and well behaved.

They aren't the only children not to be invited but girlfriends son who is younger than my eldest is obviously going.

I feel very hurt that they're not invited and although I understand that it's not my decision to make, I feel it's very short sighted of them. The wedding is 130 miles away from us and involves an overnight stay and as my Dad will be there we obviously can't ask him to have them and DH's parents have recently booked a holiday so won't be available to care for them overnight. I am not willing to leave them with anyone other than Grandparents.

My brother regularly forgets my girls birthdays totally but on one occasion (two days after giving birth to my daughter) I had a call from him saying that his girlfriend was upset that I hadn't remembered his girlfriends sons birthday! (Which i had never done previously or since). He has never sent my husband a birthday card despite knowing when his birthday is. I understand that the card thing may sound a bit petty but I feel it's all a bit too one sided.

In short what the bloody hell should I do?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
GlitterFingers · 17/06/2013 13:07

Ask him why they aren't invited? If the excuse isn't good enough don't go either

squeakytoy · 17/06/2013 13:11

Does the bride have siblings with children?

pigletmania · 17/06/2013 13:11

Yanbu that is rude and unacceptable. I personally would not go, well you can't any way if there is nobody to look after them. How awful fr you op Sad

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 17/06/2013 13:12

I agree with Glitter, you need more details and to hear it from the horses mouth as it were

sparechange · 17/06/2013 13:12

That is a bit rubbish, but it sounds like his girlfriend is the one controlling things here.

Can your Dad ask them why they aren't invited?

Crinkle77 · 17/06/2013 13:16

YANBU. They are his nieces so does seem a bit strange that they are not invited and he does seem to have double standards with regard to forgetting your girls birthdays but then expecting to you to remember his step son. I do think you are being a little petty about him not getting a card for you husband. Blokes just don't really do card giving to each other. I would tell him that if you will do your best to find a sitter but if you can't then you won't be able to attend the wedding and see what he says.

cathpip · 17/06/2013 13:17

If it were me, I would mention to your brother that clearly you are delighted for them, but, you could possibly make arrangements for the 14 year old to stay at friends but you can't for the 5 year old as she is to young, and you have no one that you are happy to leave her with. So sadly will have to decline the invite. If he says that the youngest can come then just tell him that you are still sorry but its unfair to just take one. I do understand no children weddings ( I had one) but then none of my immediate family had children, so it was an easier decision to make.

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2013 13:17

I think that it would be acceptable for them to ask that children leave, at say 9pm, i have been to family parties/weddings were this has happened, no one minded.

There is no reason why the children of siblings cannot be invited to the day time do and your eldest is old enough to mind your youngest.

If they were paying for the wedding in full and the bride didn't have a child, then fine for a ban, but it becomes (or should be,anyway) a family celebration, when you have had contributions from the grandparents of the children you are banning.

You need a family discussion, surely your Mum will be very upset at this and it will spoil the day.

Birdsgottafly · 17/06/2013 13:20

I meant that the eldest could mind the youngest, if staying somewhere close to the wedding.

Unless the wedding is a meeting of family/friends, it good to have an excuse to leave handy.

cees · 17/06/2013 13:21

Ask him why they are not invited. I have 1 nephew who although i love him, he would have made me very weary of having at my wedding, he behaves terribly and is generally a little shit, his parents just sit back and watch him go off on one, they seem to think it's not their problem if he bully's, pushes or hits someone.

Not saying you let your dd's behave like this but my sister wouldn't think her son behaves badly either.

Original poster
Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 13:33

His girlfriend has a sister with two sons, who are much less well behaved than my children (who my brother's not a huge fan of to say the least) I don't know if they are going but know that the bride would want them there.

The last thing I want is to start a family feud but I fear that's what will happen.

Incidentally my Dad will have the trauma of attending on his own as my parents split 20 years ago when my mother ran off with his best friend (we're really not Jeremy Kyle material although it must sound that way) they are attending the wedding together so my Dad will be left feeling very uncomfortable, he dotes on my girls and they should have taken his mind off things a bit.

I've decided to give my brother a call as despite thinking it would be better to wait until I calm down I'm just getting angrier. Will try my hardest to be calm..

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/06/2013 13:36

Yes, calm down and then speak to your brother and find out if it is a blanket rule that no kids are coming. Obviously the brides child is different but if no other children are invited then you can decide what to do from there.

somewhereaclockisticking · 17/06/2013 13:41

I would refuse to go unless your girls are invited. I can understand some people saying no to small children when they invite friends and work colleagues but family should always be allowed to take their children. Weddings should be family affairs. I think you need to stand up to your brother abit more because it sounds like he never questions his own behaviour like when forgetting his own neices' birthdays etc.

Original poster
Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 13:53

Well, after being calm and ringing him, you'll never believe the reason he gave me, bearing in mind both he and his girlfriend are both earning triple figure salaries and my dad is contributing a fair amount to the wedding.. He begrudges paying £50.00 for a kids meal..!

Suffice to say I will not be going to the wedding or sending anymore cards with birthday and christmas money in for girlfriends son..

I am quite ashamed to call him my brother.

OP posts:
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 17/06/2013 13:56

Poor you Motherhen x

sweetestcup · 17/06/2013 13:57

But he doesn't begrudge paying for his sister in laws children's meals, something not right!

elinorbellowed · 17/06/2013 14:00

Yeah, I would feel that way too. At least he was honest with you. Now you know where you and your children figure in his priorities. I also think it's really shitty to let your dad contribute when they are rich. Sorry.

CaramelLatte · 17/06/2013 14:00

If a family feud does ensue remember you are NOT the one who caused it.

arabesque · 17/06/2013 14:04

If they don't want children at their wedding that's fair enough. I've been to loads of weddings where children, even nephews and nieces, weren't invited.
I think they could have invited the 15 year old but maybe they felt, when you only have two children, that inviting one and not the other would be unfair.

arabesque · 17/06/2013 14:05

Sorry, 14 year old not 15 year old.

MaxPepsi · 17/06/2013 14:08

Well done for asking him.

And shame on him for being so tight.

I really hope your dad hasn't actually contributed hard cash yet.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2013 14:12

That's bloody depressing. I'm horrible so I would make sure your DF knew the reason...

Original poster
Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 14:12

Next chapter.. He's just called my Dad and yelled down the phone at him for mentioning to me that the girls aren't invited.. Very upset for my Dad now. Dad explained that he hadn't realised it was a secret and only told me so that i could arrange for in laws to have the kids, and is utterly disgusted and disappointed in him too. Maybe I should call Jeremy Kyle after all!

My brother has always been selfish and rather squeaky in the wallet department but.. This goes far beyond anything he's ever done in the past.

I think the reason he was so cross was because he knows it not the right thing to do either and probably regrets the meal cost comment.. But there is nothing on this earth that will get me to that wedding.

I hope he feels as terrible as I do though.. Very sad indeed..

OP posts:
Livvylongpants · 17/06/2013 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 17/06/2013 14:24

I bet he would have a different attitude if your dad said "invite your nieces or I won't pay for anything!"
I think when a parent contributes they should get some say in the guest list (within reason - obviously not all their friends etc), and saying that 2 members of the immediate family should be there is fair enough.

That said I don't think I would Want to attend, even if he did change his mind about your children attending.

But I had loads of children at my wedding and loved seeing them dancing the night away.