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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Newbie needing to vent

62 replies

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 13:03

I'm new to Mumsnet but really need both to vent a bit and some totally impartial advice.

3 months ago my brother announced his engagement to his girlfriend of 10 years. Then let us know the wedding date for us to keep it clear. After my Father spending yesterday with them (after a large, but nice hint from me as Dad mentioned he'd not seen them on Father's Day for 4 years).

Dad then arrived on my doorstep this morning very upset as my brother mentioned to him in passing that my two daughters will not be invited to the wedding. Which he has contributed a fairly large amount to. My brother had not previously mentioned that the girls would not be invited so I stupidly told them about it 3 months ago, as we were all excited that they were finally getting married. My girls are aged 14 and 5 and both very polite and well behaved.

They aren't the only children not to be invited but girlfriends son who is younger than my eldest is obviously going.

I feel very hurt that they're not invited and although I understand that it's not my decision to make, I feel it's very short sighted of them. The wedding is 130 miles away from us and involves an overnight stay and as my Dad will be there we obviously can't ask him to have them and DH's parents have recently booked a holiday so won't be available to care for them overnight. I am not willing to leave them with anyone other than Grandparents.

My brother regularly forgets my girls birthdays totally but on one occasion (two days after giving birth to my daughter) I had a call from him saying that his girlfriend was upset that I hadn't remembered his girlfriends sons birthday! (Which i had never done previously or since). He has never sent my husband a birthday card despite knowing when his birthday is. I understand that the card thing may sound a bit petty but I feel it's all a bit too one sided.

In short what the bloody hell should I do?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2013 14:28

At least once a day on AIBU you get a thread about weddings and it's always from different angles. The poster always gets YANBU. Many, many people have to go to weddings and find alternate arrangements for their children. Many people get upset when some children are invited and not others. Many people can't afford/don't have the space to invite families because, for example, their one friend from Uni has turned in to a family of 4 etc etc
For me, it's their wedding, their choice. And for you, you can choose to go, or not to.

Original poster

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 14:28

My Dad contributed to my wedding and always treats us equally no matter what. He has always treated us fairly and would not be happy with himself treating us any other way. I think that is why my Dad is so upset. He's usually very calm but I can hear how cross and upset he is in his voice.

He's said that he doesn't want to go to the wedding as he feels so ashamed of him but I wouldn't want him to miss it, I think he'd regret it always. But obviously I know how hard it would be for him to go without us there..

OP posts:

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 17/06/2013 14:29

I got married before I had children but still had kids there as they make it complete IMO, I know some people can't afford it but as Littleprincess said your dads contribution could easily cover the grandkids

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/06/2013 14:30

What a tightarse, no wonder you and your dad is ashamed of him. What a piss poor excuse!!!

Original poster

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 14:39

The other thing that I find hard to swallow is that there are over 100 guests during the day and more in the evening.. Surely a few kids wouldn't rack up the bill that much.. Maybe they should have invited a few less friends if they couldn't afford it..

I know it's their day and would never wish to dictate what someone should or shouldn't do on their wedding day but just feel so hurt and angry that he thinks so little of his family.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/06/2013 14:40

I can't believe he got annoyed with your Dad for telling you... Presumably he would have had to tell you at some point. The sooner the better for childcare. In fact, had he told you earlier, your ILs might have been free.

He's a twunt.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 17/06/2013 14:43

If he really can't afford there dinners maybe they should look at scaling back elsewhere?
My wedding cost a total of £1800. And I managed to invite everyone and their kids by scaling back other areas, I didn't have a wedding car - my best man picked us up in his Audi, I made my own invites and favours etc.
Direct him to Money Saving Expert, they will help him budget better and find the spare cash for 2 kids meals!

I would be phoning my brother and saying that your Dad had every right to inform you, it affects you! And your brother should have told you himself when he told you to keep the date free.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/06/2013 14:48

The thing is, it's not just 2 kids meals. It can quite easily be 20 kids meals if a line isn't drawn.

EglantinePrice · 17/06/2013 14:49

If there is bad feeling over this OP it is not because of you its because of your tight arse brother and partner.

What a mean bastard.

Did you ask him why they could afford her nieces to go but his?

picnicbasketcase · 17/06/2013 14:50

I don't get why he'd be angry with your dad for telling you. Presumably you'd notice when you got your invitation that they weren't included? Better to find out now than after you'd bought everyone new outfits or whatever. Anyway, HIBU.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 17/06/2013 14:52

Are the other nieces and nephews going?
I think you can draw the line at nieces and nephews of the bride and groom.
But it should be all nieces and nephews invited or non at all.

Original poster

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 14:56

I think I'm just going to let sleeping dogs lie for now, and hope his conscience gets the better of him, although I'm not holding my breath! I don't want to make it any harder for my Dad. Not a good way to start the week.. Counting down the hours till I can have a large glass of red and a hug from my girls and hubby.

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 17/06/2013 15:07

What a horrible situation your brother is creating.
I also wonder how many dates and partners of friends that he hardly knows will be coming and having a meal paid for. Stupidest excuse I've ever heard.
Don't be surprised if the reason for the non invite changes to suit his needs.

curryeater · 17/06/2013 15:16

So... your dad is upset because he is paying towards the wedding and thought he was chipping in for a proper family occasion and is now upset to find it is something else?

two separate things:

wrt his relationship with you, your brother can invite whom he wants to his wedding (but then has to accept that people may not be able to come if he can't have the whole family)

wrt his relationship with his father, if he is partly financing the wedding he does actually have a say, but this is something they have to hammer out between themselves and you can't get involved.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2013 16:12

I can't understand why a 14 year old and a 5 year old can't stay overnight at a friends. I think your father has a right to be upset by this, but I don't think you do. I think you're being ott. And, regardless of how rich someone is, it's up to them how they spend their money. And 50 pounds is a lot to spend on dinner for a 5 year old who may well not eat it. There might have been lots of children of guests and they have decided not to invite any. THEIR choice.

Original poster

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 17:16

I personally think 5 years old is too young to stay with friends overnight and I'm not in the habit of dumping my children because it suits.

And as for it being their choice, Arethereanyleftatall, of course it is, but there are ways of doing things, if they had said from the beginning that the girls weren't invited it wouldn't have been such a big deal, yes, i'd still have been rather upset but i wouldn't have told the girls, got them excited and been dress shopping! But they asked us to keep the date free months ago, not once mentioning that we'd need to find someone to care for the girls. A fairly important point really.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2013 18:12

Fair enough op. I can see why you're frustrated then op. I wonder if it's a similar situation to a male friend of mine who recently got married. He's a lovely easy going chap who is thoroughly disorganised. He first said we could all bring our children, said of course, he's always,wanted children at his wedding and there was plenty of space. And then he started to write his invite list. He had space for 100 and his.list got there pretty quickly! He had to rethink and children, who made up half the guest list were first to go. I don't really blame him, because he at least tried.
Wrt your first para, I find that very unusual tbh. My 4 year old goes on sleepovers fairly often, as do all her friends, and it is without question her favourite thing in the whole world ever. Dumping her is not the point of it, she loves it.

babyhmummy01 · 17/06/2013 18:13

motherhen ur brother is a twit for not saying from the start that it was no kids so from that perspective yanbu however, it is his wedding so he can invite or not invite whomever he likes. It is an awful situation and he shouldn't be having a go at ur dad just cos his balls were too small to be honest with you.

I can totally understand why you don't want to leave your youngest with friends but does ur dh have siblings you could ask to have them for you as a compromise?

Hope you do.d an adequate resolution.

Original poster

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 18:29

DH has a sister but not particularly child friendly plus she lives in Manchester, we're in Kent so it would be a bit of a trek.

Kids locally don't really start having sleepovers until 6 or 7, so maybe I could ask them to wait another year before they get married.. It could be worth it for entertainment value at least. ;-)

Just had SiL on the phone very upset, not with me, with my Brother, she said even knowing my brother she couldn't believe he'd been so insensitive and tactless! That of course the girls are invited, she has no idea why he said otherwise and that there are 10 kids in total attending. But kids of family and very close friends only. She thinks he's getting his knickers in a twist over the cost so far..

She said that I would probably get a grovelling phone call in a few days, not prompted by her, but when he realises what an a**e he's been. Not holding my breath though as I don't think he's apologised to me once in 35 years!

OP posts:

babyhmummy01 · 17/06/2013 18:35

At least she seems to be reasonable! Hope ur brother grows a pair and apologises

PleasePudding · 17/06/2013 18:48

OP I can see it'll be bloody hard to make arrangements for your children and clearly your SIL- to-be is unreasonable.

I also think that when it became apparent to your brother snd his fiancée that children would not be able to be invited he should have rung you up, explained and apologised.

However excepting those two things I think two children - as someone said upthread - can leave you obligated to invite more if the best man has a few, maybe some if the bridesmaids - all of whom may feel that as a member of their wedding party their children should be invited and that closer to £500 and ten friends that can't then be asked. Wedding invitation lists are a total nightmare. Whichever way you cut it you will offend.

PleasePudding · 17/06/2013 18:49

Whoops didn't read recent update - glad it'll be resolved

zoobaby · 17/06/2013 18:49

Good result. I wonder if they're now scratching around looking for two names to cross off the list .

PenelopePortrait · 17/06/2013 18:56

motherhen do you think your SiL might on mumsnet and recognised the senario?

Original poster

Motherhen39 · 17/06/2013 19:04

Zoobaby, my thoughts exactly!

I know wedding lists are a total nightmare, I've done it twice! (blush) But family have always come first. At my first wedding (too young and idealistic) I had a fairly large 'do' but still invited SiL to be's son, even though he was just a baby and they'd only just got together. (She split with boyfriend while pregnant and got together with said brother) I knew he'd be upset if I didn't and I wanted her to know she was welcome in the family.

I think that goes some way towards explaining my feelings earlier.

Thank you for all your objective replies, and the sympathy didn't go amiss either.

Feel so much better now, I HATE conflict. So as I'm rather traumatised, the kids are in bed (5)/ bath (14) I'm in dire need of a (v) large glass of red.
x

OP posts:

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