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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it me or Mum?

38 replies

CuppaSarah · 17/06/2013 09:39

To give a bit of backstory, my Mum has a fully paid off house, but she left it to move in with her partner a few years ago. She intended to sort it and rent it out, but years wet by and it sat empty, slowly getting in worse and worse shape. When I fell pregnant me and DP asked if we could rent it from her, since we couldn't normally afford a house round here and it was just costing her money. We did, with the agreement we'd help her sort it and redecorate etc. But with the plan to get most things done before the baby arrived.

Well DD has been here for 4 months and almost nothing has been done. While it's annoying, we just about have enough space between our stuff and mums to live comfortably. One of the big issues is, she refuses to let us touch, let alone sort her things for her. But also refuses to come sort them herself.

This has all come to head this weekend, when I told her we had to get the box room sorted that week, because DD has outgrown her Moses basket and the cot bed won't fit in our bedroom. I told her all that needed doing straight away was moving the bed into the spare room. That we'd move it there for her and we'd find a convenient time to sort the other bits in their together. For some reason this is absolutely unacceptable. To the point she bought a travel cot for our bedroom for her. She had mentioned it before and I said that we don't know if it would fit and we'd have to buy a new mattress and bedding etc. We really can't afford it. But Sunday night she calls me telling me she got one with a used mattress. I thanked her but explained about why we couldn't use a second hand mattress again and she went mental. Shouting about how angry she was with me and how I should just suck it up.

Sorry this is so long, but I need to clear this up. She's BU right? But at the same time am I being at all U too? I need to be clear next time I see her.

OP posts:

yaimee · 17/06/2013 09:49

Are you paying for the house? If so, I suggest you start looking for somewhere new and tell her that you are doing so and why. Explain that the situation is becoming difficult and that it will only get worse as your dc grows.
Ask her if she would be happy for you both to set aside some time to have a clear out together and let her know that if not, you will have to move. I don't think you can spend your life tripping over someone elses stuff.

aldiwhore · 17/06/2013 09:49

Your mum is being U, BUT she was happy to let the house stand in a state for a long time, now you're in it, she's out of her comfort zone and actually has to sort it. She couldn't have said no to you, but obviously doesn't want to do anything about it.

Could you reach a compromise so that one room is 'hers' and all of her stuff can go in there?

You are paying rent aren't you? If so, it's unacceptable. I would be seriously searching for alternative accomodation.

My mum and dad's house is still on the market, has been for 4 years, we could have lived there during this time but the hassle factor just made us seek a home elsewhere. x

sweetsummerlove · 17/06/2013 09:50

no, if you are paying reasonable rent she is BU.

Id consider moving. Stuff like this never ends well.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/06/2013 09:52

Yeah we are paying, but not as much as a house costs around here. She already has two rooms for her stuff. The box room and spare room. You're deffinatly onto something about the comfort zone.

My DP is being interviewed for a new job that pays alot better, so if we get that i think we'll be leaving. Problem is when i told ehr we were going to look for somewhere else asap she got really funny and kept telling us we can't leave. I think she's stuck, shes become dependant on us for an income, but doesn't want the responsibility. She also loves that her grandaughter is in her house.

I wish we'd never bothered to be totally truthfull.

OP posts:

ilovechips · 17/06/2013 09:53

If possible I would just look for somewhere else - it sounds like the longer it goes on the more it will just sour your relationship with your mum.

oh, and if you're paying her rent then (unless it's massively discounted) she is unreasonable. If it's a freebie, then i think you are unreasonable!

redskyatnight · 17/06/2013 09:54

I don?t think either of you are BU tbh.
Your mum may not be physically living in the house, but she is definitely living there emotionally and she is basically working on the premise that it?s her house to do what she wants with (as if she was living there physically).
You either have to accept her ?rules? or move out.
Re the new cot ? it sounds like she felt she was trying to ?fix? your problem of not having anywhere for the baby to sleep, and felt your rejection of it was a bit precious ? so I can see why she was upset. Yes, I?m aware that guidelines suggest using a new mattress for a baby, but plenty of people do use second hand mattresses - and you were quite happy to ignore the guideline about having your baby in your room for the first 6 months ? not sure why one trumps the other really.

ilovechips · 17/06/2013 09:55

Cross post! Bit unreasonable on both sides, you are getting a discounted house. However, it's unreasonable of her to dictate in such detail how you live! I still think get out as soon as you can before it damages your relationship with her.

Nagoo · 17/06/2013 09:56

I think you are going to have to ask the question, are you a guest or is it your home?

If she says she wants it to be a home to you, then she's going to have to let you move things.

YouTheCat · 17/06/2013 09:56

Tbh, I'd be moving out as soon as possible. What if her relationship turns sour and she decides to move back for a start? If she's that much of a nightmare as a landlord, imagine how bad she'd be if you had to live with her.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/06/2013 09:58

I hadn't thought about that redsky and it's a very good point. She does try to fix everything for everyone, but gets carried away and forgets to listen since she's so excited about fixing the problem.

You've started me thinking about moving DD out now too. I had completly forgotten about the 6 month mark.

OP posts:

helenthemadex · 17/06/2013 09:59

move, its just not worth the hassle and upset its causing and going to cause

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/06/2013 10:01

They say never live with friends. I think renting from family will have to go on that list.

I think when I see her next I'm going to ask about if she sees us as guests or tenants. I don't want to come across as agressive, I just want to see where we all are. Any tips for not coming across as passive agressive when talking about it?

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 17/06/2013 10:03

I don't think it's so much about either of you being unreasonable, so much as you having different expectations of what this meant. Your mum was probably picturing you accepting everything about the way the house was, and 'camping out' without changing much. OTOH you thought the plan was for you and DH to sort the place out and get it how you would want to live in it.

I think continuing is just going to put stress on your relationship, so you'd be better off finding somewhere else and getting back to being mum/daughter and not having this arrangement confusing things and making them difficult.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/06/2013 10:04

Also I think we'll wait to see if Dp gets the new job to see if we can afford a house or just an apartment. Then talk to her about possibly moving out. Problem is I don't think she wants us too, becuase she's so scared about sorting it for private tenants. We'll sort of be dropping her in it since she depends on our rent for an income. If we just give her lots of notice do you think that will be ok?

OP posts:

Nagoo · 17/06/2013 10:13

It's not your problem that she has issues sorting her house out for a private tenant.

If you leave, she'll have to do it. Maybe she needs to think about that.

YouTheCat · 17/06/2013 10:16

It sounds like she'd have to do a lot of work to it for it to be up to the minimum standard to rent out privately.

Do you have any kind of contract with her? If not you don't have to give any notice if you don't want to.

digerd · 17/06/2013 11:13

OP
So, it has been years that her house has been empty and fallen into disrepair and she has had no income from it. Surely she had to pay rates, heating in the last years' winters etc?

Then she has benefitted from your rental and you had a house to live in, albeit a run down one which she was supposed to improve and hasn't.
Your low rental is likely to be an appropriate one for the bad condition the house is in. IMO your DM has benefitted more than you from this arrangement and added to your stress

digerd · 17/06/2013 11:23

Also just noticed that you have only one bedroom for the 3 of you, as DM's stuff is occupying the 2 other bedrooms and she won't collect it to give your DC at least the boxroom!

She is being VU . Wonder what her DP has to do with her attitude?

DawnOfTheDee · 17/06/2013 11:30

The problem is that at the moment you fall somewhere between guests and tenants and are therefore getting the worst of both worlds.

If you are guests you don't have the right to move anything but shouldn't be paying any money.

If you are tenants you have the right to move her stuff into the designated 'storage' rooms and should be paying rent.

In a lot of ways I think you'd be better moving out but if you are game for trying to make it work you calmly need to ask your mum which of the two above options she wants. There is no middle ground. If she doesn't accept either then you have no choice but to move out.

WilsonFrickett · 17/06/2013 12:01

I think you have to lay it on the line tbh - 'if DP gets this job we will move out and you'll have to move all your stuff out to let it to a private tenant. So what do you want us to do? Move out, or sort out your stuff.'

ceebie · 17/06/2013 13:24

I'm sorry, but I think you are being U - simply because she seems to have been happy to 'not deal' with her house. Although it made sense for you to move in and pay her rent and sort out the house, in fact she simply wasn't ready for it. It wasn't your fault either, it was a sensible idea, but it just turns out that it was a mistake because she simply wasn't ready for it.

I don't think the answer is to get her to see your point of view. I think her attitude is your answer. You are better off moving out - or putting up with the small amount of space you have there.

In terms of moving baby out, you do it when you feel that you and your baby are ready. For us, that was around the 4-month mark.

arabesque · 17/06/2013 13:33

Well, your mum can't have it everyday. Either she's happy to leave the house in a mess and not rent it out. Or she needs the income and therefore has to tidy it up and make it acceptable for you, or other renters, to live in.
She seems to be seeing you as a way of making an income from the house but not having to do anything to sort it out and that is unfair.
YANBU.

Dackyduddles · 17/06/2013 13:36

I'd book a firm of professional sorters and just get on with it. Dump all if necessary. Nasty and dirty!

5Foot5 · 17/06/2013 13:40

We'll sort of be dropping her in it since she depends on our rent for an income. If we just give her lots of notice do you think that will be ok?

So what did she do for income before you rented it from her?

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 17/06/2013 15:50

She was on benefits living with her partner who works. She came off them when we moved in. It really is an awkward one. I don't mind that much about her stuff in the house, like I said we're pretty comfortable. DP hates it though, really stresses him out. I don't mind not having the spare room at all either. infact I dont mind her stuff being in the box room while DD uses it. I just want the bed out so the cot bed will actually fit.

I do want to move out now. It's not worth the stress on both sides. I just know I'm dropping her in it. I don't think she'd be entitled to any benefits now either. I just don't know what to do. Talk to her, try and fix things and come to a compremise. Or tell her we intend to leave once DP hears back and enjoy the inevitable guilt trip. I suppose it's worth trying to fix things first.

OP posts:

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