To be disappointed in my dp re Nigella Lawson?

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

I told my dp about what happened to Nigella Lawson via email and said how horrible and abusive her husband is and he should be arrested.

My dp's response:

'But without knowing why he grabbed her by the throat how can you judge? It is terrible but if she did something terrible for him to grab her? What if she told him she had been having an affair?'

'I'm sure they didn't sit down, order food then all of a sudden he reaches over and grabs her by the throat, if he did that's awful, but what if she really pissed him off?

'Violence is a terrible thing but sometimes it is warranted, regardless of who it comes from'

:(

I was pretty speechless tbh and still hours later I feel really upset. Of course I said you NEVER put your hands on someone, no matter what they say or do. I'm just shocked he thinks like this.

WHBU?

I'd be sadly questioning my marriage if I were u.....

Panzee

It's not so much about reading into your father's statement (and not aimed at your father), but the difference between men's and women's attitudes - I hear/read a lot of men stating "a good kicking" is a deserved punishment.

The confusion (and it may not be confusion, it may just be scum and not-scum) occurs between retribution for a criminal act (like your father's statement: Saachi needs a kicking as punishment for a criminal act) and DV apologists (like (possibly) the OP's husband: the victim is blamed as they 'provoked' the perpetrator).

My DH was very distressed by those photographs and urged me to report to the police. However this has apparently been done already.

Violence is never warranted. However it is an 'understandable' response in the context of an emotionally illiterate, violent, aggressive total piece of shit that is Charles Saatchi. It is all he is capable of.

Think about that hand round the throat everyone when considering whether the Saatchi Gallery is somewhere you wish to visit or have your products sold in its online shop.

'My DH was very distressed by those photographs'

Exactly my DH's reaction too. Shocked and appalled.

Think the comments about leaving him etc are over the top. You know your dp,how he behaves ,who he really is etc not random people on net. actions speak. Louder than words in my opinion.

I would be nervous to be in a relationship with someone who can justify domestic violence. Keep a mental note of this incident OP, and if you end up having to add a few other mental notes maybe reassess if he's the kind of person you want in your life?

I am SO upset by those photos

she is such a clever accomplished lady, and yet.. there he is abusing her in a public place. fucking CUNT.

and in DM online, there is an older photo for him putting his hand over her mouth

I think in a way its a good thing, despite the public humiliation she can no longer deny it, there will be a major outcry of LTB

really feel for her though, not only for being abused but for the publicity

good luck Nigella

Obviously what CS did was totally wrong and indefensible but to answer the OP's DH while the first time might have been because she just said she had shagged his son/brother/nephew how does the OP's DH justify the subsequent attacks?

It is a troubling reaction. My DH's reaction was to have empathy for Nigella. Like me, he found seeing the expression on her face (afraid, but also somehow resigned) very upsetting.

Sometimes those kinds of reaction are more about distancing a thing the person finds hard to deal with than endorsing or excusing the behaviour, but it's a very fine line, and a poor reaction nevertheless.

My DH was also horrified by the photos.

OP.... your DP had an abusive upbringing so his ideas of what might be acceptable are a bit 'off' as you have identified. But you have also said that he is shocked at some things, so it might just be that he really needs to have his assumptions, challenged, and to be educated, for the want of a better word. My DMother had a terribly abusive upbringing, so her idea of what is normal is skewed.

If he's ever convicted of assault, which is what grabbing someone who's posing no physical threat is, he can tell the rest of it to the judge.

I agree with SixPack. Hopefully your counselling sessions are addressing his past as well as your current relationship, or maybe he needs separate counselling to help him with those past issues with his mother.

Not an LTB situation I don't think - he needs to understand where his viewpoint comes from, and how he can take steps to change it.

Although I am absolutely sickened by those pictures and at what allegedly happened, I can't help but wonder about this man and his age. He's 70 years old, has become a bit of a recluse and is throttling his wife in public. The way she's looking at him is pitiful. I think he might be suffering from Alzheimer's or early onset dementia. He's not young is he. If he's not, then he's an utter arsehole.

I wondered that too Fakebook, and then I thought a bit more and wondered if I was just grasping at anything rather than saying he was just a violent, abusive shit. It could be lots of things, but plenty of 'normal' men of all ages and classes abuse their wives, so the likelihood is that's what's going on here. It is amazing how horrible it is to be confronted with the stark reality of that.

I think your partner is probably confused about what isacceptable. If he was brought up in an abusive environment, he could well be extrapolating from his own experiences. He probably needs to do some more work to come to terms with his upbringing.

People can and do change their opinions on things like this all the time. As you are already undergoing counselling, he is in a better position to resolve this than most (as many DV apologists would reject the idea of counselling out of hand).

So, you're on warning.
One day you might do something he considers worthy of violence towards you.

Are you going to tolerate that?

Why are so many people asking if it could be dementia? I've seen this in other threads. Is it so hard to believe that someone who is by all accounts, a bit of a shit, could be doing this for his own sick reasons. Dementia does not automatically make people violent, that's a misconception. Even if it is that, it's not a reason for her to put up with it.

dementia? dementia my arse

he writes books and articles, and his book came out in 2013

he ios an abusive cunt. end of

I agree that people can change their views and society can. A lot of men (and women) hold sexist views which they don't realise are sexist until they are called on it and the point is explained to them. DH can be a bit traditional about some things. Let's say he has changed his views about quite a lot of things over the years! As have I by going on forums like this.

A lot of men who would never sexually harass women, for example, find it hard to believe the harassment women regularly receive. The Everyday Sexism project has been an eye opener for some.

No I'm not saying that he's not capable of being an abusive twat. He may well be, and my first instincts told me that too. He most probably is. But I can't help ignore his age. My dad makes some horrible comments due to his dementia and I know it can completely change a persons personality. I'm in no way defending what he did either.

He's apparently released a statement:

'However, breaking his silence about the incident, Mr Saatchi today issued a statement in which he sought to play down the significance of the row.

?About a week ago, we were sitting outside a restaurant having an intense debate about the children, and I held Nigella?s neck repeatedly while attempting to emphasise my point,? he told the Evening Standard.

?There was no grip, it was a playful tiff. The pictures are horrific but give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place. Nigella?s tears were because we both hate arguing, not because she had been hurt.

?We had made up by the time we were home. The paparazzi were congregated outside our house after the story broke yesterday morning, so I told Nigella to take the kids off till the dust settled.? '

A picture is worth a thousand words .

Worth far more than that wankers , for a start .

Ain't nothing playful about the look on her face , and WHO holds someone neck to emphasise a point ?? And I 'told' Nigella ? Really ?

Hmm. Maybe I was wrong then.

Not sure what kind of point needs to be emphasised with throttling .

Normal people do not hold someone's neck repeatedly during an intense discussion in order to emphasise a point. It's entirely possible that neither CS nor NL realises that, of course.

Well I agree with him, you can't judge a situation if you're not there. Most likely he's a violent dick but perhaps there is a more innocent explanation or unusual circumstances. You don't unless you were right next to them and you weren't. Any situation can be taken out of context when viewed from afar. That's not a justification for anything, it's a simple fact. Your dp is right.